It was close to midnight, and Savina was thankfully fast asleep against her. The nurses came in a few times to check on her, but when they found her asleep, they left her as it is, after taking a few notes for the file. Savina had whimpered a few times, but thankfully she was able to calm her before it turned into a full-out nightmare. She hadn't quite gone back to sleep after Barba left, she started getting updates from her team, as well as some whispered conversations with Tucker and Dodds. She had flat-out asked them both why they were asking her when she was off the case, but they reminded her that she was still the commanding officer. The first question they both asked as soon as she picked up, was why they were whispering. And after checking on Savina, they got updated on the progress. She also received a call – which she promptly ignored – from Savina's social worker. She was still beyond pissed at the woman, and didn't trust herself to keep her temper in check while talking to her. It was still too raw for her, too fresh, especially after today. She hated how helpless she felt, how useless. She didn't know what to say, because she remembered being in this situation, and the usual placards people fire off at you only served to piss her off. She gave her the assurance that it will pass, that things will get better, that she can take all the time she needed to recover…but she couldn't take away any of the pain.
Her heart broke with each sob, each shake. She couldn't stop her own tears from falling, and had only registered that she pulled her into her arms, when she felt the tears on her top. And for a split second, she was overjoyed at the feeling of finally having her baby in her arms. But then the sobs and tremors set in, as well as why she had her in her arms. She remembered how she felt every time she heard Lewis's voice, or saw his face this soon after the attack. How it brought back every single moment of those dreadful four days, every thing she felt, every sound, every scar and scream.
She looked down at her, a small smile lifting the corner of her lips when she saw her snuggled up against her. Her head was resting on Olivia's chest, nestled in the crook of her neck; her hands had released Olivia's top and were now tucked between their bodies; her knees were bent and resting against Olivia's thighs; her hair – now fully dry – was much lighter than Olivia's. Olivia still had one hand cradling her head against her chest, her fingers softly running through her hair, while the other one draped over body, occasionally rubbing her back soothingly. She noted – for the first time, she was ashamed to admit – how small she was. She was shorter than Olivia, significantly shorter, and a smaller frame than Olivia did at her age. The one thing she seemed to have passed on – aside from her eyes, and apparently the genetic disposition for a crappy childhood – were her curves. She was by no means thin, or petite.
Her phone buzzed once more, and she saw a text from the social worker. Trevor Lanagan had already told her that a copy of the temporary custody order was sent to social services, and that they were notified of the DNA match. He said the social worker looked quite shocked, and was stumbling over her words to justify her inadequacy. She suspected that Barba would probably dig up a way to make her pay for her part in all of this, and Trevor did confirm that she will probably be demoted or placed under probation for quite some time for this. She sighed in frustration as she quickly read the text, sneering at the screen when she saw the woman's feeble attempts at an apology, and an even worse attempt at a justification. She slammed the phone onto the bed behind Savina, and just rested her head on top of hers. She didn't know what came over her, but she started talking to her, pouring her heart out to her. Maybe it was the fact that she knew Savina couldn't hear her, maybe she was too exhausted to exercise any form of self-control at the moment – and honestly, refraining from killing the social worker and the nuns was exercise enough – but she found every thought that passed through her head since this whole mess started stumbling out of her mouth.
"I know I already told you this, but there was not a second that went by that I didn't think of you; what you look like, sound like, act like. Every year, you'd grow just a little in my imagination. Every time I went home to a dark apartment, I'd imagine the sound of scampering feet as you came running at me. How it would feel to hold you, to feel your weight on my chest as you slept. Even when I'd overhear a parent complaining about the endless arguments with their teenaged daughters..…I would've given up anything just for one. I hated when the Captain would send me home after a tough case, because I always went back to an empty apartment. Even if I was seeing someone, I always pictured you greeting me at the door. I didn't tell anybody about you, because I was afraid they'd take the pictures in my head away….force me to deal with it, and try to move on, and I just was never ready to let you go. I never regretted keeping you, not for a split second. When I saw that plus sign….it was the happiest moment of my life. A lot of women complain about the toll pregnancy takes on their bodies, and so did I. Especially towards the end when I couldn't find a comfortable position to sleep in, but it may have also had to do with my impatience to meet you. You used to kick a lot, usually during at night. And when you went on a kicking spree, the only thing that calmed you was if I sang. I honestly don't know how it calmed you, I could never carry a proper tune, but you seemed to like it. And everybody told me to wait until I have little elbows and knees poking into me…..but that never happened. I would've given up my soul if it meant having you back. I spent hours in the church holding the dead baby, and begging her to open her eyes. I never thought this was possible, and I wish with everything in me that it was under different circumstances. That you didn't have to go through what I did. Maybe if I hadn't lied about beating him up, she never would've gone after you. I wish I could undo all of this, take it all away, I wish she had taken me instead. When they first told me that you were mine…..for a split second….I was glad you didn't grow up with me….that you weren't in the apartment when Lewis attacked me, or he would've gotten you too. Maybe I should've killed him when I had the chance….no trial….no jury….no you."
Olivia's tears were running freely down her cheeks by the time she was done, and her voice had gone from a soft, soothing tone, to choked-up whispers and sobs. The last word was barely a tad over a whisper. It's true she regretted the series of events that led her to Savina, but she didn't regret Savina herself. She only wished the circumstances were different.
"I love you, baby," she whispered lovingly into her hair. "Always have, and always will," she vowed. She knew Savina was nowhere near ready to hear that, so she figured this was a good time.
She felt the bed vibrate slightly, and her hand immediately snacked the phone off, but Savina had already jerked in her arms. She looked down at her once more, and saw her eyes flutter open. Her eyes flicked over to the screen, and she saw Barba's name on it.
"Sorry about that," she apologized sincerely, instantly missing Savina when she rolled out of her arms onto her back.
"It's okay," Savina assured her, her voice slightly hoarse from sleep. She quickly answered before it went to voicemail, and Barba freaked out. She had moved to sit up, to give Savina more room on the bed.
"Hey," she greeted. "Yeah, she just woke up," she said into the phone. "How's Noah? Did he give you a hard time with bedtime?" she asked, smiling slightly at whatever Barba told her.
Savina used the distraction of the phone call to study her mother, she was still sitting on the bed next to her, but she wasn't facing her. Her right hand was holding Savina's left gently, her thumb running absent mindedly over her knuckles. And much to Savina's surprise, it soothed her, it felt good. She smiled when she saw her smile at the mention of Noah, when she noted the change in her tone as she spoke to Barba. And despite her better judgement, she found herself wondering what it would've been like if she had grown up with her.
She was pulled out of her thoughts by the sound of the door opening, and they both looked up in time to see a nurse walking in with a tray. Savina's face immediately fell, and Olivia knew what those were for. The dressings for the wounds were a much smaller size, and she had a small chair with her that OBGYNs use for deliveries.
"Barba, I'm gonna call you back," Olivia said hastily into the phone, and hung up. Her eyes cut to Savina, who looked as white as the sheets she was lying on. She got off the bed, but kept her hold on Savina's hand. To her surprise, Savina tightly clutched her hand, and Olivia stilled. Olivia heard the nurse talking, telling Savina that she needed to change the bandages on the wounds, explaining the process to the slightly trembling teenager, but Olivia wasn't sure that she was even listening to a word that was being said. Her eyes were fixated on the tray, and she saw her face muscles clench as she desperately tried to keep the tears at bay.
"Lieutenant, would you like to wait outside?" the woman offered, and that seemed to catch her attention. Her head whipped around to Olivia, and she could feel her heart break at the pleading look in her eyes. She tightened her hand around the trembling fingers, and used the other to cup her cheek. "I'm not going anywhere," she assured her gently, before turning her attention to the nurse. "I think I'll stay," she said, as she lowered herself onto the bed, facing Savina.
The nurse merely nodded, and then started to adjust the bed's position. Once the back was up all the way, and the foot part was lowered, she placed the small chair at Savina's feet, and gently moved her feet up to rest on the bed.
"Try to relax," she instructed gently, and Savina's knuckled went white as they squeezed Olivia's hand.
Olivia had her body positioned to block Savina's view of the nurse, with her arm supporting her weight on Savina's other side. She gently leaned forward, and rested her forehead against Savina's after the nurse's instruction, knowing what was to come next. "I'm here, baby."
Savina jerked slightly, a soft whimper escaping her, causing Olivia to move even closer to her. Her heart broke with every jerk and whimper, and it took every ounce of resolve she had to keep her own tears at bay. The whole process took less than twenty minutes, but to the two of them, it seemed like hours. Savina had silent tears making their way down her cheek, and her breath was coming out in short, shallow, silent gasps. The nurse put the bed back to how it was, apologized for the inconvenience, and then took her leave. Olivia was still sitting on the bed next to her, one hand gently rubbing her side up and down soothingly, while the other held the her trembling hand to her own chest. Her eyes were now closed, her chest heaving slightly with each ragged breath she took. Her body trembling beneath Olivia's fingers, the occasional sob escaping past her tightly closed lips.
After a few agonizing minutes, her face relaxed a bit, and her eyes fluttered open. Her breathing was a bit more normal as well, and the trembling had thankfully stopped. She still had tears in her eyes, but they were no longer cascading down her cheek.
"Thank you," she whispered.
Olivia shook her head gently. "You don't have to thank me, sweetheart."
The loving nicknames were not something she was used to, especially not from a parent. Her own parents died when she was four, and she barely remembered them. She had a few memories here and there, but they were scattered. She still remembered their voices; her father as he read her a bedtime story, and her mother as she sang her a lullaby. But she didn't remember them ever calling her 'baby' or 'sweetheart'. Her grandmother hadn't either, she either called her 'honey', 'darling' and sometimes, 'ladybug'. It surprised her that Olivia easily gave her the endearment terms so easily; that they didn't sound forced at all. On the contrary, they sounded so natural from her, so loving…..like a mother would sound. She didn't know what had gotten into her, when she held onto her hand. But to her surprise, when Olivia told her she was staying with her, the wave of relief that flooded her both scared her, and made her feel safe, and wanted. She was so tired of acting tough, of acting like she didn't care, and didn't need anyone. She was sick of it….she was exhausted, and it felt good to have someone look out for her for a change. Although she would never admit it….not even to herself yet.
She looked exhausted, and Savina finally noted the time on the clock hanging on the wall behind Olivia. "You should probably head home. It's getting late."
Her voice was still thick with tears, and slightly hesitant. Olivia used her free hand to push some of her hair behind her ear, as she shook her head gently, smiling lovingly at her intent gaze. "I already told you, I'm not going anywhere."
"What about Noah? I'm sure he needs you," she retorted gently.
"Rafi's got him, he can handle him."
"You sure?"
Olivia smiled, touched that despite everything, Savina still worried about Noah's wellbeing before her own. "Positive. I won't leave you alone, I promise."
Savina studied her for a few moments, trying to find a single hint of lying, for a reason not to trust her, for an ulterior motive to why she could be doing all of this. She was well aware that she was yet to find anything, that every time she looked at her, all she saw was a mother, but she couldn't help it. She had been stung far too many times, her heart had been broken, and her hopes crushed more times that she cared to count or even remember. She guessed it would probably take some time for her to adjust, to let go of all those demons she spent years harboring. That it will take some conscious effort on her part to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, to stop treating them like they're a foster family that's about to send her back, or will kick her out after the first mistake. She remembered what she told her about talking to someone, and even though she was not really ready for that quite yet, she supposed it wasn't such a bad idea.
She finally nodded, giving her mother a small smile in return, as the latter continued to stroke her cheek gently. Her mother! That was weird to her….even in her own head. She could feel her eyes getting heavy – even though she just woke up – but she was just so exhausted and drained. She had barely gotten any sleep the night before, and had gotten a few hours when Barba came that morning, but they weren't enough to keep her going.
Olivia noted the sleep in her eyes, and also the hesitation to fall asleep. She knew it all too well. Your body is exhausted, craving sleep like it's a drug, but your brain reminds you of what awaits you in the darkness. The shadowy figures, the haunting sounds, the feel of those hot keys and hangers as they marked your flesh, the pain in your wrists as the wires cut into them.
"If you wanna go back to sleep, go ahead. I'll be here when you wake up, and I'll be here if any nightmares occur," Olivia assured her, and she merely nodded.
They held each other's gazes for a little while, before Savina shifted on the bed, moving onto her side, Olivia's hand still clutched in her own, before she finally closed her eyes.