After the attack on Azkaban, it took another six days for everything to get settled and another three weeks to organize the trial.
Harry, though still a bit sore, had been discharged from St Mungos the previous week. His body, they'd decided, would have to heal itself. Every healing potion and spell hadn't done anything but made him feel worse.
Now as he got dressed the day before Sirius was supposed to appear for his trail (again), he smiled. The unexplainable joy was overwhelming. He was going to get out.
After over a year locked up, he would be out again. Even if they couldn't, if Sirius didn't want to, if he wouldn't be with him, just watching him regain his freedom, to see him smile again, would be worth it.
He pushed back the sadness as he picked up a bag from the table, leaving the house and flooing to the Ministry. He wouldn't show him that he'd been hurting. He didn't quite think it would make Sirius happy to see him upset, but why show that he'd still been thinking about them? (He couldn't help it, though the past two weeks or so had been much easier.)
His mind drifting again, he hummed happily, slipping into a daydream.
----
"What do you mean I can't?" He asked the person in charge of the area indignantly. It was creepy enough, the white walls making him feel on edge already, but being told he couldn't see Sirius was not helping his souring mood.
"The ministry ordered that he receive no outside contact. He's not responding anyway." He followed the man as he turned and walked along the corridor. Hurrying behind him, he watched as he stopped at a door with a small window. "Almost a month and he hasn't made a sound."
"What exactly happened?" Harry asked and the man didn't turn his eyes.
"The room that you requested for him before his trial, he completely tore it apart, nearly bled to death from his wrists. They say it was after the trial was postponed. I guess the shock must have gotten two much."
"What do you mean?" Harry asked him, though he probably knew the answer already, a hundred times more complex than anything the healer knew.
"Twelve years in Azkaban, a few months of freedom and then being locked up again. Finding out that he avoided murder by a few weeks must have pushed him over the edge. And from the old records we dug up, almost twenty years ago, he was diagnosed with depression but never treated. And these things have a tendency to flare up when the mind is put under great stress…"
Harry didn't answer. He'd never known that. He had the feeling no one else did. Twenty years, he would have been about sixteen. It made sense to him now… Before he ran away from him. Harry wonder if maybe that had been influenced by it.
"I'll turn a blind eye this time, Mr. Potter. You're the first visitor whose come. Usually we people clambering to get to their friends and family everyday." The man sounded rather disappointed and walked away from the door. Who was supposed to come? He'd been in hospital, under strict testing and then bed rest, Dumbledore was still mad at him for not continuing his school when he'd seen that he was not as depressed over his miscarriage as before and was now trying to keep control of his school. And Remus…
God bless his soul.
How would Sirius take it when he found out? He'd go after Greyback of course. Harry knew he'd have to stop him. He already had that one his list of things to do and the sliver knife safely hidden in his robes.
He pushed down on the handle of the door and it opened. He looked at Sirius, asleep on the padded floor. Who would ever guess the loudest and most reckless of the marauders would be the last one standing?
Kneeling next to him, Harry felt guilty. It was his fault.
He couldn't pinpoint exactly when he started feeling for Sirius, but acting on it was one of the boldest and scariest things he'd ever done in his life. Even worse than Voldemort. Those few seconds after he's pressed his mouth against his Godfather, waiting for a response, would be the most memorable of his life. Even more so when he'd felt the bigger tongue reach past his lips…
Sirius had been willing to wait before they had sex, but no, he'd insisted that he was ready. He had had thought of it as a way to show him that he loved him, that he was willing to give up the last of his innocence. Though he'd been reluctant, playing the responsible adult card, he'd given in eventually…. Harry'd never dreamed of any of this happening.
He ran a hand along his cheek sadly. Blinking, Sirius's eyes opened, looking at him but not speaking.
"Hey." He whispered softly, smiling at him. Sirius tried to move, to sit up and Harry noticed how his arms were strapped, like a muggle strait-jacket. Harry sighed, shook his head and took the silver knife out. Sirius's eyes widened and he pulled back. Harry put a hand on his arm.
"It's okay… I'm just going to cut you lose." He cut the strap hold it and Sirius was able to get his arms out. He pulled the jacket off and threw it across the room, now sitting shirtless. He looked at Harry again and he smiled again, this time somewhat embarrassedly. "That's much better."
"Why are you here?" He asked hoarsely.
"I came to see you."
"But why?" Harry blushed and the hand on his arm pulled back as he looked to the floor.
"Even if we aren't… and you don't want to be… you're still my godfather. But if you don't want me here, I understand." He got up to leave, feeling horribly ashamed. Sirius had broken up with him. He didn't want to see him. Why had he let his small bit of hope embarrass him? His heart had made a fool of him yet again.
He felt Sirius's hand on his arm and turned his head slowly, still looking down. Sirius lifted his head with one scabbed hand, looking at him.
"I do want you here, I do want to be…" He said, his voice shaky. "With you. I want it to be us."
"And that's exactly why you dumped me?" Harry pulled back. "What exactly do you think I am? What exactly do you think you are?" He stood up, picking up his bag and standing up.
"I'm arrogant. I'm self-centred. I'm moody and stubborn. But I need you. If you want me to get on my knees and beg I will. I just…I need you so much." Harry looked down at him and Sirius bowed his head, his shoulders slumping in defeat. He heard a whisper next to him.
"You may be all those things," Sirius dared to look up into Harry's eyes… "But you're still mine and I love you more for them..."