The day went by fairly uneventfully, Lucia and Noah made quite the commotion all day, with Savina sometimes joining in, as Olivia and Barba watched on happily, occasionally participating as well. So by the time Noah's bedtime rolled around, he was so exhausted, that he actually fell asleep without fussing, and Lucia had taken that as her cue to head home as well.
It was almost 10, and Olivia was wrapping up the kitchen clean-up, while Barba took care of the living room mess, when Savina appeared in the doorway.
"Hey, sweetheart," Olivia greeted, as she dried her hands. "You want me to help you get the couch ready?" she offered, but Savina chuckled, though the humor didn't quite reach her eyes. "No, that's okay. I'm not sleepy, so I think I'll just watch TV, and give the room another try tonight," she said softly, her fingers fumbling nervously with the hem of her shirt, as she looked anywhere but Olivia.
"Sweetheart, what is it?" Olivia encouraged gently, as she closed the distance.
Savina kept staring at her fidgeting fingers for a few more seconds, before she took a calming breath, plastered a smile on her face, and finally met her mother's gaze. "Never mind, I'm just gonna ask Lucy in the morning," Savina brushed it off, and turned around to leave, but Olivia caught her arm, and noticed that she winced slightly as she moved back to face her. That, coupled with the feel of the bandage wrapped around her wrist in her hand, lit the bulb in Olivia's head.
"You need help with the dressings?" Olivia barely managed to keep her voice leveled enough to mask the pain. The pain wasn't just from the entire messed up situation, but because of what she realized Savina just did. She had come to ask for her help, but decided - for some reason - to just ask Lucy, and not her own mother.
"Um, yeah. But it's okay, it can wait till tomorrow. I got them all, just the one on my thigh, and my wrists. I'm sure Lucy can help me with them in the morning," she offered, but didn't take her hand back that was still resting limply in Olivia's hand with her thumb moving over the bandage absent-mindedly.
"Savina, you don't have to do this. I was gonna check up on you once I was done anyway. I didn't forget, I know they need to be changed," Olivia alluded softly, but Savina shook her head.
"Olivia, really, it's no big deal. I..." she trailed off, not entirely sure how to finish the sentence, as her other hand found the hem of her shirt once more, and twisted around.
"You what?" Olivia wondered, and Savina sighed sadly before she mumbled. "I think we'll drive Rafael crazy if both of us start getting nightmares," she alluded, her attempt at humor masking the true message behind her words, and Olivia nearly lost it.
"Yo...you...," she cleared her throat. "You wanted to ask Lucy so you wouldn't trigger me?" she stammered, and Savina smiled gently at her. "I know a thing or two about PTSD, and I know that certain things can act as triggers for nightmares even years after the incident. And I really don't wanna trigger you, or remind you of the worst four days of your life," Savina almost pleaded.
At that, Olivia couldn't hold herself back any longer, and she pulled Savina into her arms, as she buried her mouth and nose into her hair. To her surprise, Savina didn't push her back, she merely stiffened for a second, before she relaxed slightly, and just allowed Olivia to hold her, and get the comfort she needed.
After a few seconds, Olivia finally let Savina go, with a bit of a plan in mind about how to try and ease her fears, and to hopefully stop the tiptoeing around her. She silently took her hand, and led her back to her room. Savina, albeit her confusion, silently followed her mother. Dread filling her that she may have driven the only family who seemed to want her away, or that she did something to upset them somehow. Once they reached the room, Olivia walked over to the pharmacy bags open on the desk, and took out the supplies she needed, as Savina made herself comfortable -well, as comfortable as one can get in these situations- before she sat on the edge of the bed, and sorted out the supplies in her lap.
She saw Savina bury her face into a pillow, and her hands fisting around it, as she tried to keep her emotions under control. "You know," she started, her voice gentle, as she carefully removed the old bandage from the wound, and started to clean it. "Ever since I was ten, I had dreamed of becoming a mother. I never really fantasized about the fairytale wedding, or the princess wedding dress. I always wanted to get to the part with the baby," she continued, her eyes frequently flickering over to Savina, whose fists had loosened slightly from around the fabric, and her eyes were now open, but staring at an invisible spot on the wall. "When my desk sergeant pointed out my heightened sense of smell, and my seemingly sudden and weird cravings, I immediately put two and two together. I bought about ten different types of pregnancy tests that day, and took them all. I wasn't in a relationship, I knew I would be doing it on my own, I had absolutely no idea how I was going to handle work with a baby...I wasn't sure about anything. But those two minutes while I waited for the results, I spent them praying that they come back positive. I was crying throughout the entire doctor's visit, to the point that he actually suggested that I terminate the pregnancy. I hadn't figured out anything, but I was sure of one thing. I wanted the baby. I wanted you...and the rest of it...well, it can all go to hell for all I care," her voice had gone down to a mere whisper by then, and she looked up after she was done with the burn mark on her thigh, to find Savina's beautiful molton-brown eyes staring back at her, both in wonder, and fear alike. She saw the tears glistening in them, and she gently pried her hands away from the pillow, taking them into her own.
"I spent the longest four days of my life with Lewis, but they weren't the worse. They definitely rank high up, but I knew that it was only a matter of time before my squad finds me. I knew that all I had to do was keep fighting, and survive. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction, and I knew they would come to my rescue. The worst day of my life was walking back into my apartment that was filled with baby stuff without a baby; was standing over the small casket that held the one thing I wished for the most, was all those years I spent dreaming of what my daughter would look like. You're not a trigger, you don't bring back memories of Lewis. You only remind me of all the fantasies I had in my head about what having a daughter would be like, and it reminds me to make the most of every moment," she finished, her tears now sliding down her cheeks one by one, as her hand found Savina's face, and cupped it gently, her thumb moving gently over her cheek, and wiping the tears as the slid down one by one as well. She felt Savina squeeze her hand, and she smiled. It was a small gesture, but it was huge to Savina, and to Olivia. It meant that Savina believed her, that she managed to take a fraction of the fear embedded in her baby's head away. That coupled with the look in Savina's eyes...that faint glimmer of trust, were enough for the time being.
Six o'clock in the morning came too soon for Olivia, she felt like she just fell asleep mere minutes ago, and her body needed more rest. She had quite a day ahead of her, and her brain was not ready to wake up yet. She groaned slightly when she heard the bathroom door open, and the light streaming from it hit her face.
Barba chuckled at her groan, and smiled sympathetically at her. "Morning to you too, sweetheart," he teased, and she merely groaned again, as she pulled the covers over her head. "How can you be possibly be perky so early in the morning?" she whined, as he pulled the covers off of her, and helped her get her messy hair out of her face.
"Easy. I didn't go to sleep after the last nightmare," he answered truthfully, and she smiled -almost sadly- at his thoughtfulness.
"That was two hours ago, Rafi. You could've stolen some sleep," she said gently, as she took his hand into hers.
"Actually, after you fell asleep, Noah whined a bit, so I settled him. And it was just in time for another nightmare," he informed her, and she shook her head helplessly. "It didn't take me long to wake her, but by the time she fell back asleep, I barely had an hour before I had to get back up, so I just decided to get some work done instead," he continued.
"You won't be able to last the day like that," she shot back gently, and he simply shrugged. "I can always crash on the couch during lunch if the need arise, but I've had far less sleep before, and managed to survive," he dismissed her. She smiled lovingly at him, as she pulled herself up on her elbows, and caught his lips with hers.
"You don't have to do all this," she whispered against his mouth, once she pulled back, and he sighed in aggravation. "Liv, how many times do I have to tell you this? I don't do anything because I have to. And at the risk of repeating myself for the third time, she's my daughter too. I want to be here for her too," he shot back gently, and she could feel her heart melt at his words.
An hour later, they were both showered and dressed, and Noah was already fed and ready for his day with Lucy. Luckily for Olivia, Savina hadn't woken up again screaming, and in the few times she checked on her, she seemed to be peacefully asleep.
Lucy had just let herself in, just as Olivia was clipping her badge and gun to her belt.
"Morning," Lucy greeted cheerfully, as she bent down to welcome a squealing Noah into her arms. "Hi, baby boy," she kissed his cheek gently, and he gave her a smacking kiss.
"Morning, Lucy," Olivia greeted, as she walked over to the brunette, with her purse and coat in her hand. "He's already been fed, so he just needs to finish his milk, and should be ready for his play date with you," Olivia told her, her eyes narrowing at a cheeky Noah. "And I left the door to Savina's room open, the noise from the living room should help her sleep, but I just need you to keep Noah out of the room, she barely got any sleep last night," Olivia said, and Lucy nodded sympathetically at her. "And can you listen for any noises coming from her room, just in case she's having a nightmare? And just check in on her from time to time?" she hoped, and Lucy nodded eagerly. "Of course, Liv. I'll keep an eye on her. Don't worry," she tried to assure the worrying mama bear, but she knew that no amount of assurances can give keep the worry and fear at bay.
Barba basically had to drag Olivia away from Savina's room, and out of the apartment ten minutes later, so she won't be late for work. He knew that Chief Dodds was showing up with the mini version of himself, and Olivia had to be there to greet them, otherwise Dodds Senior was not going to let that go.
And he was right, less than a minute after she had dropped her things in her office, she saw them both walking into the squad room, and heading straight for her office. She plastered a smile on her face, and hoped that the three large coffees she drank before she came in, as well as the makeup she used that morning would hide how tired she really felt. She knew the worry was another thing, but Dodds was a father, he could at least understand that she can't really switch her heart off.
By the time lunch hour rolled around, she was all but ready to throw in the towel and call it a day. She had been showing Mike Dodds the ropes all day, and despite what she feared, he was a quick study, and he didn't seem to have as many assumptions as she would've thought. Though she didn't know if this was his true nature, or if he was merely dialing it down on his first day, or for the sake of the circumstances. She was sure that Fin and Rollins had filled him in on the specifics of Savina's case, without all the horrific details of what Freed did to her. Amanda had preferred that he stay away from that angle as well, and pursue the Church, and the nuns like Carisi.
Carisi was the biggest surprise in this case, his insights were not only good, but had panned out quite beautifully. He not only managed to track down her purchases of baby care stuff, but also the various types of pregnancy tests she took, the prenatal vitamins, and her insurance reimbursements for her OB GYN visits. He had even managed to secure a subpoena for her records, and had taken the doctor's statement, which confirmed what they all already knew; Olivia never thought about getting rid of the baby, and was very eager to meet her. And for the first time in nearly fifteen years, Olivia wished her mother was alive. She was the only other person who knew about the pregnancy, and she was sure that Serena would've been all too happy to testify to what a ridiculous, and stupid decision it was for Olivia to keep the baby. Since she never really truly hid her disdain for the child, nor did she hide happiness that she never lived.
Lucy was standing in the kitchen, washing out the dishes they used for lunch, when she felt her phone vibrate in her back pocket. She quickly dried up her hands, and reached for it, smiling when she saw Olivia's name flashing on the screen. She had been calling every hour on the dot. She quickly hit the answer button and pressed the phone to her ear.
"Hey, Liv," she greeted. "Yeah, no, everything's fine. She woke up about an hour ago, asked me and Noah to help her wash her hair, and Noah had a blast splashing the shampoo bubbles onto her face and mine. I was just washing our lunch plates," she listed, before she nodded into the phone. "Yeah, she ate some grilled cheese toast, and drank some juice. Noah managed to coax her into eating a cookie, but that's about it. I made sure she took all of her meds, and she's now watching a movie with him," she replied to whatever Olivia had asked on the other end. "They were still picking out a movie when I left them to it, so I don't know yet," she said, before nodding once more. "Of course, I'll tell her. Okay, bye." And with that she hung up the phone, grabbed the plate of grapes, and headed out to the living room. She found Savina lying on her side on the couch, with Noah wedged between her thighs and stomach, as he watched Thomas O'Malley try to entice Duchess on The Aristocats.
"Sav, your mom called. She said she'll pick you up around 3 to take you to Dr. Lindstrom," Lucy told her, and Savina craned her neck slightly to look at her.
"Wow, I didn't think she'll be able to get me in that fast. I thought these things usually take weeks," she said.
"They usually do because of the insurance, but if you're paying out of your own pocket, they can usually fit you in sooner. And your mom has known the man for years, which also helped," Lucy stated simply, completely unaware of how Savina's face paled.
"She's paying for the sessions herself?" Savina mumbled in disbelief, and the tone of her voice made Lucy realize her slip. "These things cost a fortune! I thought that they'd be covered by the city, or social services or something since Dr. Thompson had suggested it," she ranted, and Lucy's brain was going a thousand miles a minute in an attempt to think of something to say to back track.
"Well, your mom wants the best of the best, and that's Dr. Lindstrom. I'm sure it'll only be temporary until she can get you covered by her insurance as her daughter," Lucy tried, but Savina started to shake her head, as she made a move to get up, her hand already reaching for the phone. "I can wait until the insurance kicks in then," she shot back, but Lucy jumped to her feet, and stopped her.
"Savina, stop. You don't have to do this. Your mom did the same for Noah when he came into her care; she made sure he got the best care she could afford until she sorted out the legalities and the paperwork of the insurance. She loves being a mom, and this is her way of playing catch up for the lost time. She's been in your shoes, and wants to help you any way she can. Let her," she suggested, but Savina still didn't seem convinced. So she tried a different approach. "I know it's hard for you to accept help, to believe that there are people around you who want to help you, and would do anything for you. I know it'll take time, but you just have to open yourself up to the possibility. I promise you, you won't be disappointed."
I am truly sorry for the long wait, and I assure you it will not happen again, but y'all know how crazy summer gets.
To all of you who follow my other SVU fic, the new chapter should be up soon. As for the OUAT and Charmed fics, those should be up by the end of the week as well.
Let me know what you all think of this.