"We went to the Salerno's apartment yesterday," Savina stated, as she stared out the window overlooking the city.
Dr. Lindstrom adjusted his position on the couch to study her face a bit better, he wasn't expecting her to say that, nor was he really expecting her to go back to her foster family's place at all. "And why is that?" he asked.
She sighed heavily, she had avoided any eye contact with them, nor did she even spare them a glance. And yet, the visit hit her harder than she expected. One might argue that it was the visit to the cemetery that upset her, but she had felt like that since she set foot in the apartment.
"Diana came over the night before and said something about how I looked when I was little Olivia's age," she started. "That's when I realized I hid the few pictures I have of my childhood at their apartment, and never told anyone to bring them."
He nodded in understanding, though he wasn't sure why she sounded more confused than upset. "You went to retrieve them," he said, and she nodded. "Yeah, I still had a few things there as well. I only kept a few things, and told Finn to take the rest to Goodwill," she elaborated. "Was Detective Tutuola there as well?" he wondered, and she nodded. "Olivia doesn't have any official capacity as a police officer since she's my mom, so he came to make sure the Salerno's don't try to make any claims."
"And?" he encouraged, and she finally turned around to face him, as she rubbed her hands over her face, ran them through her hair, and pulled her cardigan around her body a bit tighter.
"I don't know. I feel weird," she confessed. "Weird? How?" he inquired. She plopped herself on the couch in front of him and fumbled with the hem of her cardigan. "When I saw the pictures, I just put them in the bag I had, almost as if I was hiding them, I didn't even look at them. Same for all the trinkets I kept. I didn't pull them out when I got home either, I just put the bag in the closet, and that was that." She rambled.
"Why don't you want to look at them?" he asked, and she averted her eyes, tears springing to them. "I don't know. Diana was surprised I forgot about them, and I thought it was just a slip. But when I had them in my hand, I wasn't happy about it. I thought it was because I missed my parents, and I was too vulnerable, so I asked Olivia to take me to their graves, and she did." She recounted. "And how did you feel?" he asked, and that's when the tears spilled. "That's just it. I didn't feel anything. I always dreamed of what my life would have been like if they hadn't died, and I remember bits and pieces about them, which always made me think that I truly missed them. But yesterday, when I saw the pictures, and stood over their graves…..I…..I….I…." she stammered, and he jumped in to fill the blanks.
"You realized you didn't really miss them, but rather the idea of them." She looked down at her hands, and he was sure he saw the shame in them. "Savina, look at me, please," he instructed gently, and she reluctantly raised her head. "This is normal. You were four when they passed away, the fragments you remember are not enough to form a bond. So, it's perfectly natural for you not to feel the same way about them now that you're in a stable, loving environment." He assured her.
"Yeah, but they didn't do anything wrong. They adopted what they thought was an unwanted baby. They don't deserve to be discarded like that," she cried through her tears. Lindstrom leaned forward in his chair and made sure he held her pained gaze steady. "They're not being discarded. You still remember them, you simply don't pine for them anymore, and that's alright." He said soothingly, but she still wasn't convinced, and he had a feeling there was more to it than what she let on. "It's not just that I don't pine for them anymore, it's….." she trailed off, unsure how to finish that sentence. How can she phrase it in a way that didn't sound so weak? So pathetic? And yet cruel towards two lovely people who did nothing but love her?
Lindstrom studied her pained eyes for a bit before the end of her sentence dawned on him. "You wish they never adopted you."
She buried her face in the palm of her hands at that and sunk further into the couch. He got off his seat, and knelt in front of her, taking her hands away from her face, and forcing her to look at him.
"Savina, stop beating yourself up about your feelings. They're not only normal, but perfectly understandable, and maybe even expected in your situation. You don't have to guess what life with Olivia would have been like, because you see it with your own eyes with Noah. You're not torn between two sets of parents, because the Matthews died before you were able to form any bonds with them. You're not even a little mad at Olivia because she never wanted to let you go, but you were ripped away from her. So, it is normal for you to wish you were never adopted by them; to wish you had grown up with Olivia. None of that makes you weak, or cruel to the Matthews, nor does it mean you're betraying them. You will always remember them fondly but realizing the true nature of your feelings towards them is alright."
They remained in their positions for a few minutes, until Lindstrom was satisfied his words were finally sinking in with Savina. She slowly nodded her head, and he patter her hands gently. "Is that why you didn't show the pictures to Olivia? Because you wish they never happened?" he asked, and she shook her head. "No, actually. It's because I don't want to hurt her," she confessed, and he frowned. "Hurt her how?" he wondered. She rubbed her face a few times and tucked her hair behind her ears. "She missed out on my entire childhood; mourned me for years. And I just show her pictures that undermine all that. Pictures of the life she should've had with me, that I had with someone else. I feel like it would be adding salt to the wound and acting like her pain didn't matter." She explained, and he smiled. For despite her obvious resistance in admitting that she was getting attached, she cared about Olivia, and had fallen easily into the role of a daughter worried about her mother.
"Or you could just be giving her a glimpse of it, so she can at least have those moments to look back at," he retorted.
Barba and Olivia were inside their room, as Olivia ranted about the Baker case.
"I know that something fishy is going on, it's just seems that the entire town is warped into this mesh of madness," she said in frustration, as she pulled back her blazer, and threw it in the hamper. "The Pastor is hiding something, the Bakers are hiding something; and the one paying the price is Lane!" she continued, as her blouse followed the blazer. "You should've seen it, Rafa. It's abhorrent what they put those kids through for the sake of the show. It's like a constant boot camp. Their house doesn't feel like a home, but a set. Everything is fake, and there are no pictures…." She trailed off, as she pulled a loose t-shirt over her head, and Barba frowned.
"Liv, what are you talking about? Their entire life is documented in pictures," he corrected her gently, and she sighed. "Yeah, I meant none that seem like they weren't faked," she back-tracked, but he saw right through her excuse. "Is this about Savina?" he asked, and she sighed heavily, as she plopped down onto the bed. "When she asked that night to go get them, I was thrilled. I thought I would finally get to see part of the childhood I missed out on. See what she looked like as a baby, a toddler….rather than the images in my head that I have no idea if they're true or not. But she just shoved them into the backpack, along with a small box, and said that everything else was going to Goodwill," she recounted.
"Did you try asking her to see them?" he wondered, and she shook her head. "I don't wanna put her on the spot." She stated, and he sighed, as he moved around the bed to her side, and sat facing her. He took her hands into his. "Liv, you wouldn't be putting her on the spot. Let her know she can say no if she doesn't want to show them to you, that it won't upset you, and take it from there. She's in uncharted territory too and might be at a loss about how to show them to you without causing bad memories to re-surface," he soothed. "The bad memories are exactly why I don't want to ask her. The pictures are reminders of her parents, whom she lost at a very young age. She asked me to go visit their graves, and then asked if being a Lieutenant meant less field work," she told him, and he smiled. "She's making sure you're not in constant danger; that she won't lose you too," he said, a small smile playing on his lips at Savina's thoughtfulness. "Which is why I can't ask her to show me the pictures, I don't want to add to her pain." She choked out past the lump in her throat. Barba for his part pulled her into his arms, and rested his head on top of hers, when she dropped it against his chest. He knew that as much as she cared about her victims; cases with children always got to her more; and now it was even worse. But in the quiet of the room, he heard the pacing of feet outside their room, and waited for a knock on the door, but the sound seemed to be walking away. He frowned when he heard the footsteps approach the door once more, before they walked away again. He chuckled, when he realized that Savina was probably pacing the hallway outside their room.
"Liv, I think Savina is outside," he said softly.
Olivia had been lost in her own thoughts, as she listened to the soothing sound of his beating heart, so she didn't hear the footsteps, until he spoke. She lifted her head, and like Barba, listened to the sound of footsteps as she paced towards and away from their bedroom door. She got up from the bed, and Barba simply turned towards the door, just as Olivia pulled it open.
The sound of the door opening halted Savina's pacing midway down the hallway. "Sweetheart, are you alright?" Olivia asked, her mind going over the schedule for the bandages changing. Savina smiled shyly at her and nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just thought you might like these," Savina said cautiously, as she handed her an envelope. Barba smiled, having a suspicion about the contents of the envelope, as he pushed himself off the bed, and stood behind Olivia, as she opened it and pulled out the contents. He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder when her breath hitched as the picture of an infant bundled up in a pink blanket with a pink beanie greeted her. Tears immediately sprung to her eyes, as she looked up to meet Savina's apprehensive eyes. "That's….." she choked on the words, and Savina nodded. "That's the day they brought me home."
Olivia blinked back the tears that clouded her vision, as she willed herself to move to the next picture. It was of a young woman beaming at Savina as an infant all bundled up in her blanket, and the love in her eyes unmistakable. The man who had his arms around them both, wore an equally radian smile as he looked at the little bundle as well, and Olivia had no doubt that these were the Matthews. She felt Barba slowly guide her towards the small couch they have in their room, and she didn't resist his gentle push as he sat her down. She felt the couch dip on both sides of her and could smell the coconut from Savina' shampoo. She kept looking through the pictures with Savina's voice narrating the moments. First time she stood up; first step; first birthday; and then a few random ones of the Matthews enjoying the company of their daughter. There was one with Savina looking to be about two sitting on Michael Matthews's shoulder, and Olivia could swear she could hear the laughter in the picture. She smiled sadly when she saw the pain in Savina's eye once the pictures were of her older than four. It tore her that her baby had to suffer through foster care when she was perfectly capable of taking care of her, just because some nuns decided to deceive her.
As soon as she got to the last picture, she threw her arm around Savina and pulled her into her side. To her pleasant surprise, she felt no resistance, and Savina nestled her head into the crook of her neck without much hesitation. "Thank you," Olivia whispered tearfully, and Savina simply tightened the arm she had around her waist. Olivia planted a kiss to the top of her head, before she loosened her grip, and Savina sat straight. "Do you mind if we make copies?" Barba asked, since he knew Olivia would probably shy away from asking. Savina smiled. "Do whatever you want with them; they're yours to keep," she stated matter of factly.
Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat. "Can I give you something?" she inquired. Savina nodded. "Of course."
Olivia got up, leaving the stack of pictures with Barba, who seemed fond of a particular picture of Savina around the age of two covered in snow. "You look so adorable here," he commented, and Savina chuckled. "Thanks."
Olivia headed for her dresser and pulled open a small drawer at the top. She got a velvet box out of it and headed back towards the couch. "I got you this for your birthday, since it was a couple of weeks before everything happened," she stated, as she handed the box to Savina. Savina smiled shyly at her, "Liv, you didn't have to." She objected softly. But Olivia shook her head. "You're my daughter," she stressed. "I was happy to." Savina smiled at her, and Olivia could see the tears prick at her eyes, but she was still too proud – and probably scared – to let them fall. She pulled open the box and gasped softly at the silver swan handing from the chain, with her birthstone tucked on top of its wings. "It's beautiful," she commented in awe, and Olivia beamed tearfully. "Diana showed me the video of you skating with Noah," she started. "And this reminded me of you when I saw it." She added. Savina chuckled. "God, she took a million pictures that day!" she lamented, and Olivia smiled. "Can you have her send them over?" she blurted out, before she could chicken out, and Savina nodded without missing a beat. She sighed softly, before finally raising her eyes to meet Olivia's. "I love it, thank you."
"Happy belated birthday, sweetheart." Was all Olivia could say.
So here it is folks, a new chapter. A bit late, I know, but life keeps getting in the way of fiction :( and since I have stopped watching the show :( since that Peter Stone guy came along, because I can't stand his acting, the muses take a bit of time before they get humming with the words.
Let me know what you all think of this chapter. I will review it in the morning for any grammar or spelling errors, because it's getting late, and my brain is shutting down:)
Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas, and a wonderful New Year.