Title: Infuriating obliviousness
Requested by: shiruartist&mija711
Rating: PG-13 to R (hardly)
Paring: SasuNaru (implied)
Summary: Naruto is oblivious to Sasuke's 'feelings' towards him. Ah, yeah. As if.
A/N: Sorry for the delay. All that time I was gathering sarcasm to be able to write it. I'm utterly sorry if there's too much of it in the fic.
Infuriating obliviousness
Two blondes sit in a café and discuss the latest discoveries of nuclear physics. Suddenly one gasps:
"Warning! There's a man out there! Move the talk to soap operas!"
Uzumaki Naruto learned about ninbirds and ninbees at the age of six. Gasp! Well, true to say, in Konoha kids usually got to know where babies come from when they turned seven, at Academy, during Sex Ed class. But Naruto, being the curious boy he was and placed under the supervision of Sandaime Hokage himself (who had a very useful artifact of a Magical Peeping Ball), got a peek at the truth a little bit earlier. Later on he platonically fell in love with Haruno Sakura, which didn't stop him from perfecting the oh-so-famous Sexy no Jutsu on the ground of numerous porno magazines and XXX-rated movies. Then fate put him under supervision of Hatake Kakashi, who had a habit of reading porno books in public - and let's excuse Naruto moments of hypocrisy – because walking around in form of fully matured naked girl is a bit worse, right? Many things happened from then on, but let's convert our attention to the fact that the already corrupted boy was taught by none other than Jiraya-sannin, the writer of notorious Icha Icha series and self-proclaimed Super-Pervert.
So now – let's face the truth. Do we really think Uzumaki Naruto was a sweet innocent boy? Oh, come on!
"Sasuke? Are you sick? You're feverish…" Naruto cocked his head to the side, staring at his flushed friend, currently sprawled under him on the ground.
"Get the hell off me, moron!" the Uchiha's cheeks went beat red and worried Naruto slid off him, suspicious of his state.
"Sure you're not sick?"
"No!" Sasuke walked away, waving him off dismissively.
Naruto watched him retreat and chuckled.
"Sasuke? Um, are sure you're okay?" later the same day the incident described above took place the two sat at Ichiraku stand, enjoying their meals. Or, actually, Naruto, having finished his miso ramen, was enjoying a cherry-flavored Popsicle, while Sasuke was trying to cover his lap with paper tissues, casting glances at Naruto, as he swirled his tongue around the stick of frozen juice.
"I am okay, idiot," Sasuke grumbled, shifting uncomfortably.
"Honestly, Sasuke, I think something's wrong with you!" Naruto stopped abruptly and turned to the Uchiha, a worried smile plastered across his face.
"Get lost."
"…and I even think I know what exactly is wrong with you."
"…" a vivid blush stained Sasuke's pale cheeks, as Naruto suddenly tackled him.
"What the hell!" the Uchiha hollered. They were in a dark alley and the blond pinned his teammate to the nearest oak without any witnesses.
"Do you think I can't see what's going on with you!" Naruto shouted back.
Sasuke glared at him, making no attempt to set himself free. Hi hissed into Naruto's face:
"Oh really?"
Looking deeply insulted, Naruto spat:
"No need to have an IQ of two thousand to figure that out, bastard! Whenever I look at you - and I've been watching for two weeks, as soon as I got te first signals - you're either unhealthily pale or sickly red; you're always feverish… and…" Naruto stared Sasuke straight in the eyes without even blinking and, not even changing his facial expression, calmly grabbed his groin. Uchiha's eyes bulged out. "And your … is …"
Sasuke didn't even know what to say. He was shocked. What else was he to do other than admit that yes, he did have some… feelings towards Naruto?
"Yes, that's true." He said looking away. This was certainly not the way he had imagined things to turn out.
"Sasuke…" Naruto stepped back, releasing him and the Uchiha was presented with the saddest smile one could ever muster. "When did this happen?
"I don't know… I didn't actually notice."
"Oh, God, I'm so sorry."
Sasuke, who hadn't even thought about being rejected, stared at Naruto, not getting where he was leading the conversation to.
"But don't worry, old hag Tsunade is a wonderful medic, she'll help you!"
Wait a sec. Did Naruto think he needed a cure! He'd rather say he needed a session of hot steamy sex...
"Naru-"
"just tell me, Sasuke." Naruto's eyes were filled with sorrow. "Who was it?"
"!" Sasuke felt dizzy. When did he lose the thread of their conversation?
"Who was it that infected you with syphilis?"
…
Silence fell among them.
"Syphilis?"
"Well, I thought that could have been tripper, but the condition of your … genitalia - oh, of course I looked up the symptoms in a medical encyclopedia - is a distinct sign of syphilis. Who was it, Sasuke? Who?"
What was he to do? Sasuke fled.
Naruto laughed. Oh, sweet revenge!