Dr. Peter Lindstrom was an experienced psychiatrist who almost exclusively dealt with trauma survivors; whether it was catastrophes, vehicle accidents, or sexual crimes, to name a few. The latter he'd published a few papers about, and was often a participant in debates in his treatment methods. He also found himself criticized often for letting the patients sometimes completely lead astray from the subject of their trauma, and "wasting" a session as some would name it; but he would always correct them. It wasn't a waste of a session; it was a chance for the patients to take a break from talking about the worse days of their lives to talk about the other things in their lives, their hobbies, or thoughts or activities. He also often found it revealed a lot about his patients, and eventually helped him in his process to break them out of the shells they burry themselves within after the trauma so they can heal properly.
And the two people who were the poster children for his method working better than mostly focusing on the trauma, were the two brunettes sitting on his couch at the moment; Olivia and Savina Benson.
He always smiled in amusement when he saw them together; the resemblance between them was uncanny, and it wasn't just the looks. Their mannerisms, their defense mechanisms, their protective walls…. Savina was basically Olivia, but in a teenager's body, and a few more issues than Olivia had when he treated her.
He often wondered what Olivia was like at Savina's age; did she have the same issues she had when she came to him? Did she have more baggage that she managed to work through as she matured?
He'd asked Savina if Olivia can join them for a session, because there were a few things he believed needed to be discussed with the matriarch Benson. But because of doctor / patient confidentiality, he couldn't say anything Savina didn't allow. And Savina was too nervous to do it herself.
She was too nervous even now!
"Olivia, it's nice to see you again." He greeted.
She smiled. "You too, Dr." she replied. "How's she doing?" she wondered.
"She's doing wonderful considering everything that happened." He responded. "How are you doing?" he inquired.
Olivia frowned; she thought she was here for Savina!
"I'm fine." She answered, her voice slightly distant as she tried to understand what was happening. She heard Savina sigh in frustration next to her, as she threw her head back. Lindstrom merely chuckled at Savina's impatient response.
"Told ya!" she declared, her hand gesturing towards a gob smacked Olivia.
"A little faith, please." He said gently.
Olivia was worried now. Did Savina overhear a conversation between her and Barba and was trying to trap her into admitting something? Was this about Elliot? Olivia swore that if his antics had made Savina doubt how much Olivia wanted her then and now; then she will track him down and he will live to regret it.
"I don't understand what's happening here." She finally said.
"Savina is worried that you might be avoiding your own emotional needs so you can help her with hers." Lindstrom explained gently.
"What needs would I be ignoring?" she shot back.
"You run one of the most elite units in the city; you deal with some of the worse crimes mankind is capable of. You have a toddler at home," he listed.
"Not to mention a dead daughter who came back from the ashes, along with memories of the worst experience of your life. Oh, and don't forget dragging in your former partner as well." Savina added bitterly.
Olivia's head whipped around to her, and she stared at her in shock. Savina had already mentioned something to that effect before, and Olivia told her she had nothing to worry about. She thought she'd gotten through to her, but it appeared she didn't.
"Savina, you're not a trigger." She protested, and Savina snorted. "That's not possible!" she fired back in frustration.
"Savina." Lindstrom called gently; his voice held a warning tone. One that Savina ignored.
"Aside from the night I got arrested and woke up screaming, I've actually been sleeping through the night. And yet, Rafa still looks like a dead man walking every morning. Noah sleeps through the night, so I know it's not him either." Savina countered.
"I can see why Eddie saw the resemblance between you and Rafa." Olivia couldn't help but comment.
Savina shook her head in frustration, as she looked over at Lindstrom. "She's deflecting!" she stated, as she shot off the couch, and walked over to the window.
Olivia moved to follow her, but Lindstrom stopped her with a hand gesture.
"Olivia, what Savina's worried about is valid. It makes sense that what she's going through would awaken your own trauma. And it's perfectly normal and expected for you to experience nightmares. Ignoring any feeling that may come to the surface will only hurt both you and Savina on the long run." Lindstrom spoke gently.
"You said it yourself, my job pretty much means I listen to survivors who went through heinous crimes on a daily basis. The chances of one or more of them saying something triggering is high, and I've learnt to deal with them. And this is no different." She explained.
"Except something similar is not the same as hearing the exact same experience repeated back to you, with a few more details, and from your own daughter no less. Not to mention the trauma of her return from the ashes, as she so eloquently put it." Lindstrom objected gently.
"Except it's not the first time I've gone through this." she countered pointedly, and that made Savina whip around in confusion.
"What do you mean?" Savina asked.
Olivia sighed. "How much did Freed tell you of what Lewis did when he escaped?" she asked instead.
Savina frowned slightly, and rubbed her forehead as she thought back to that particular day. "She said you claimed that he kidnapped a girl and threatened to hurt her if you didn't go to him; and you killed him when you got there, but fixed it so it would seem like a suicide." She recounted.
"He did kidnap a little girl, and threaten to rape and torture her if I don't go to him. And I believed him because he'd already raped her sister," she whispered in sadness, and Savina walked over to the couch and sat down. "He also told the girl not to spare me any detail of what he did because I would like it." She finished sadly, her eyes brimming with tears.
"Like it?!" Savina repeated in both surprise and disgust alike. "He's worse than I thought." She added.
"He's one of the worst I've ever seen." Olivia added. "But that doesn't mean that you're in any way a trigger, sweetheart." She assured her.
Lindstrom understood why Olivia desperately wanted Savina to believe that she didn't trigger her. She grew up knowing that she was the trigger for her mother; and said mother never missed a chance to remind her of that fact just in case she forgot. And she also took out her anger at the situation on Olivia. He knew Olivia hadn't shared that particular detail with Savina just yet, and he was hoping that she would take advantage of the session and broach the subject.
"Liv, that's quite impossible. You looked like you were the one who personally did those things to me when we first met at the hospital; pretty sure it reminded you of the girl as well, and both can be very triggering!" Savina countered adamantly.
"Sweetheart, listen to me." Olivia took her hands into her own, and she held her terrified eyes steady. "When I look at you, I don't remember Lewis! I don't remember those four days! I don't remember the trial, or that day at the cannery! I don't see all that." She counted off. She brushed a few strands of hair away from Savina's face, as she smiled lovingly at her. "I see the baby I waited for for nine months; the one who grew up bit by bit in my imagination as the days went by; the daughter I fantasized about having for seventeen years; the one I hoped against all odds hadn't been taken away so soon." Her voice held all the love and pain she felt, her hand was cupping Savina's cheek gently, her thumb moving back and forth lovingly. "I will say this till my dying breath," she continued, and Savina took a shuddering breath at the mention of death, her hand tightening around Olivia's, which made Olivia smile. The small gesture didn't go unnoticed by Lindstrom. "You're not, nor will you ever be a trigger for me. You're my daughter!" she stressed.
"What if one day it becomes too much for you to bear?" she whispered in fear, and Olivia frowned.
"What do you mean?" Olivia was confused, but Savina averted her eyes and broke out of Olivia's hold. She buried her face into her hands, before she looked over at Lindstrom for help.
"Savina is worried that in the long run, something might tip you over the edge and she would lose you and Rafael." Lindstrom explained. "That's why she's worried about the nightmares you're having, and worried that you might be pushing aside your own well being for her sake." He continued.
"Until one day you'll decide that it's not really worth it." Savina mumbled from beside her, and Olivia was mortified.
"What are you talking about?" Olivia wondered in horror.
Savina looked pleadingly at Lindstrom once more, she wasn't sure she'd be able to re-tell the story.
"She was almost adopted by a couple at age eleven," Lindstrom started, and Olivia shifted her attention back at him. "Until the couple found out she was the child of an escort." He finished.
"They said it didn't matter to them at first, but eventually they couldn't get over it, and stopped the process." Savina added sadly.
It wasn't all that hard for Olivia to read between the lines; Savina was scared they'd do the same thing.
Olivia lifted her chin and guided her to look back at her. "Savina; we'd never do that. You're our daughter, DNA or not, we would never do that." She assured her.
"But…." Savina started to object, but Olivia shook her head.
"No buts." She stopped her. "Noah's biological father was a notorious human trafficker," she informed her, and Savina's eyes widened in shock. "And his mother was a prostitute. None of that mattered to me; he was my son the second he was placed in my care, and I fought tooth and nail for him when his father wanted to take him from me. And if someone so much as thought about taking you away, they'd have hell to pay."
Olivia held her eyes steadily until she saw some belief start to creep into them.
"Why would you think we would give you up?" Olivia wondered.
"That was the only family who thought about adopting me; and I was with them for over a year. They found out the truth when they started the paperwork, but then one day I found Linda there telling me to pack because I have to go to a different home. I figured it out then, and asked her about it later. She didn't confirm but didn't deny it either." Savina recalled. "And yes, I know the situation is different here which is why I was worried that with the Lewis memories being triggered, it would push you too far. I'm always scared that it will end soon; I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop." She confessed.
"Olivia, I think a little honesty would go a long way." Lindstrom alluded. He meant Olivia's past, and she knew it, but she wasn't going to burden Savina with that now. Maybe not ever.
"Ok, listen. Yes, I am having some nightmares these days," Olivia finally came clean. "But they're not about what Lewis did to me." She continued, as her voice trailed off a little.
That made both Savina and Lindstrom frowned.
"I do relive the night I came home and found him in my apartment," she started her tale. "But every time I walk in, he has you tied up to a chair." She finished, and Savina's eyebrows shot up her forehead in surprise. She definitely wasn't expecting that.
"Is it the guilt over what you thought the day of the DNA results?" Savina alluded, and it was time for Lindstrom to get confused.
"Guilt?" he repeated in question.
"For a split second after they told me she was mine, I was glad she never grew up with me." Olivia told Lindstrom, and he was shocked, before it dawned on him. "If she had, Lewis would have caught her, and took you both." He realized, and Olivia nodded tearfully.
"Both?" Savina said in horror.
"I believe he would've made your mother watch as he hurt you." Lindstrom elaborated, and she felt the lunch she had with Olivia rising back up.
"And I can't stop thinking how different things would've been if you'd grown up with me, for both of us. I can't stop picturing the life we would've had." Olivia told her.
"But had I been there, we would've ended up in a far worse situation." Savina finished for her.
"And I'm so torn between those two thoughts; that sometimes I dream of him taking you away the day you're born." Olivia added.
"Olivia, wishing that she was never taken away from you is perfectly normal." Lindstrom intervened. "And it doesn't mean in any way that you wish she'd been there when Lewis attacked you. For all you know she could've been out studying with the Castillos, or for whatever reason not in the apartment." He said soothingly. "As for the day she was born, he was nowhere near her that day." He added. "I know that it will take time for it to sink in, but every time your mind wanders to those thoughts, take a deep breath and repeat what I just said to yourself loudly however many times it takes for those thoughts to leave." He instructed and she nodded.
"And Savina," he turned towards the younger brunette, and she looked over at him. "You were telling me today that what you overheard Olivia share that day at the hospital cemented how she felt about you in your head." He stated.
"That's why I don't want to hurt her, or push her too far." She interjected, and the honesty surprised both Olivia and Lindstrom. It made Lindstrom smile a little; Savina was scared of losing them because she did see them as her parents, and losing them would devastate her. But she wasn't ready to admit it fully to herself yet, and allow herself to fully open up.
"You won't, baby." Olivia assured her.
"And I second that." Lindstrom concurred. "And like I just said, it takes time for conscious thoughts to overcome subconscious fears. So just remind yourself of that speech you overheard whenever you need to. And of course, we'll still talk about it all here."
"And Olivia, my door is always open to you as well whenever you need me." He added once Savina nodded.
They left Lindstrom's office emotionally drained, but felt better and their fears slightly soothed. Olivia threw her arms around Savina's shoulder without thinking, but before she could rethink her actions and take back her arm, she felt Savina put her arm around her waist, and drop her head onto her shoulder.
Once in the car, Olivia turned towards Savina. "Savina, I know that a temporary custody order isn't much to assure you, but because of how you were separated from me, we need to wait until we at least indict the nuns before we get it all sorted out." She informed her.
Savina frowned at her. "I know."
"And if you want to contact your father…"
Savina interrupted her. "Why would I want to do that? It's pretty obvious he wasn't interested."
Olivia was shocked at the simple statement, and the lack of resentment, or even curiosity, on her part. "Why would you say that?" she wondered.
Savina shrugged at her. "You would've contacted him by now. Or I would've at least laid flowers at a gravestone." She said simply. "But since neither has happened, it would reason that you were the only one interested in becoming a parent." She continued, "And I'm not bothered by it. There were two parents that day in the hospital; DNA doesn't matter anymore to me than it does to you." She finished.
Olivia was stunned; Savina was starting to refer to her and Rafael as her parents, but hadn't referred to them as 'mom' and 'dad' just yet. But she smiled at how she thought of Rafael as a parent just as much as she thought of Olivia. Something that Rafael was very worried about. He'd been referring to her as his daughter from day one; and his reaction to Noah's 'Papi' was proof enough that he thought the same of the toddler as well. But he'd been apprehensive about how Savina viewed him.
Barba made sure he was home as soon as he was done with his day, because he knew Olivia would be at Lindstrom's with Savina. She'd called him once Savina left the diner after their lunch, and filled him in on everything that happened; including Elliot. She hadn't really asked Finn what transpired after she left, wasn't really interested. But Barba was. He wanted to be sure that the man finally got the message and wouldn't interrupt their lives again. He'd called Finn as soon as he got off the phone with Olivia.
No sooner did his call with the veteran SVU detective end, did his phone ring again, this time Lucy's name flashing. He frowned, trying to quickly run through the schedule they'd agreed to with Lucy for the day, before he finally answered.
It turned out she had a study group that day that she'd forgotten about; and she needed to get off work by six at the latest. Olivia had already informed her that she'd be late that night, so Barba promised her that he'd be there.
He grabbed a few items from a nearby grocery store on his way back to cook one of Savina's favorite dishes for dinner. He'd made it a bit of a ritual that he'd cook her something she preferred on days she had sessions; as a way to unwind her and hopefully cheer her up a bit.
Little did he know how much those little gestures meant to her, and how much it was needed that night in particular.
Noah had squealed 'Papi' the second he walked through the door, and ran towards him. But the toddler was getting faster by the day, and Barba didn't have enough time to discard the groceries, or brief case before the toddler slammed into his legs.
He smiled adoringly at him, as he tried his best to set down the groceries without breaking any of the containers. "Hola, mijo." He greeted affectionately, as he bent down to pick up the happily squealing toddler. He kissed Noah's cheek when the toddler moved to hug his neck tightly. "How was your day with Lucy?" he cooed softly, very much enjoying the feel of the toddler's arms around his neck. They might be small, but the warmth his hug radiated was surprisingly engulfing, and never failed to erase the toll the day left on his mind and body.
His smile grew as he listened happily to Noah's babbling, no doubt about his eventful day with Lucy, who was grabbing her things to make her exit.
"So sorry to spring this on you like that, Mr. Barba. But I totally forgot about it, until they called to let me know they moved it to the library." She hastily explained.
"No worries, Lucy. I was going to come home early anyways because I knew Liv was going to be late. And Lucy, for the millionth time, Rafael is fine." He corrected her gently.
"Rafael." She nodded at him. "Do you guys want me here early tomorrow or anything?" she asked, and he shook his head.
"No, so far everything's on schedule. We'll let you know if anything changes." He informed her.
She smiled in farewell at the duo, and quickly took her leave.
About two hours later, Noah was happily babbling to himself in in a corner Barba had set for him in the kitchen so he can keep an eye on him while he cooked. He had some music playing and was singing along with it, so he didn't hear the front door open or the footsteps that followed.
The Canadian Tenors' version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" was one of his favorites, and he could never resist singing along to it. It also almost always helped Noah sleep when he was fussy. He was engrossed by the tune, that when another voice joined him, it made him jump in surprise as he looked towards the doorway to find the source.
He smiled affectionately – albeit a bit surprised – when he saw the voice coming from Savina. Olivia was just as surprised, but she had a content smile on her lips, and such love radiating from her eyes it melted his own heart. But despite all that, he didn't miss a step as he brought the song to a close with her.
Her voice was soft, out tune and practice. But to him and Olivia, she was the best singer in the world. The small act meant more to them than they could ever put into words, and more than she possibly even thought it would.
"Ina." Noah cheered excitedly at the sight of the brunette, who chuckled at his enthusiasm and walked over to the gated corner and picked him up.
"Hey, sweetheart." She greeted affectionately.
"Are we invisible now?" Olivia commented incredulously. But the smile erased any doubt that she was simply joking.
"Speak for yourself, I got a proper welcome." Barba teased, as he leaned to the side and kissed her lips softly. "Hola, Cariño." He whispered lovingly against her lips.
"Mami." Noah now called, having had all the cuddles and kisses he wanted out of Savina, and finally realizing his mother was in the room.
"Hi baby." Olivia greeted softly, as she took him from Savina.
"Need any help?" Savina asked Barba, as she rolled up her sleeves.
"You can start on the salad if you want." He suggested.
"Sounds good." She replied, as she grabbed the cutting board and knife, and went to work.
Barba saw that both brunettes were a bit drained, but could also see that some of the ghosts they both had haunting them were chased away. Olivia seemed calmer, and Savina wasn't as apprehensive as she normally was.
Whatever happened at that session, he only wished it'd happened sooner.
Less than an hour later, dinner was ready and the table was set. The whole familial atmosphere was heartwarming for the small family. They sat around the table talking amicably with each other; both adults avoiding mention of their jobs, or the recent run in with Elliot.
"You still owe me the rest of that 'take your daughters to work day' story." Savina reminded Barba.
"How much of it did you get last night?" he asked, his sideway smirk making Olivia chuckle. He loved talking about that day.
"Liv said something about a belt stunt to impress her." Savina repeated the statement tantalizingly, smiling cheekily at Barba's playful glare.
He regaled her with the tale, with commentary from Olivia which made Savina laugh, and occasionally join in on the teasing.
Until he got to the part with the belt, and she choked on her food.
"You let him choke you with your own belt!" she exclaimed in disbelief.
"I knew he wouldn't be able to resist; it's a compulsion. And it was the only way to prove to the jury that he's not the charming host he claimed to be." He defended.
She shook her head in disbelief, still laughing as she pictured it. "And that's when he won you over?!" she teased Olivia.
"Well, no. That's when I knew he'd fight for the victims until his last breath." Olivia explained, laughing.
"Quite literally!" Savina pointed out.
Barba smiled; he'd given up on the dream of having a family when he was still a child. After all, what kind of father would he be if his own father was the only figure he had for reference?
He'd briefly dreamt about it when he met Yelena, but that went down in flames. And after that, he put it out of his mind and never dared even humor the fantasy of it.
And he was still worried that he'd turn out to be like his father. That he would hurt Savina or Noah. That he would fail to protect them.
So this scene; a nice, quiet, loving family dinner where they shared stories and laughed with each other was the perfect fantasy he didn't even know he wanted.
But he was sure glad he got.
Alright my lovelies; a long chapter to make up for the long wait.
Would love to hear what you all think of it.
New Chapter shouldn't be long since almost half of it was part of this chapter but it would have been SUPER long so I split them.
Reviews make me happy and have the muses singing in my ears :)