THE RECOVERY CONTINUES

True to his word, Jack O'Neill made sure the twins were with him when he went to visit Sam the next day. To his great relief, Dr. McKenzie easily agreed to the idea, especially once Jack reminded him Sam was scheduled to come home just twenty-four hours later.

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Sam's POV…

They'll be here in a few minutes. I've been bouncing around this room fiddling with things for the past half hour. I'm acting like Jack; no small object in the room is safe from my nervous little fingers.

I'm nervous. Who am I kidding? I'm scared. Of my children? What a silly thought! I've faced down armies of Jaffa and here I am, Samantha Carter O'Neill, scared to see my beautiful little babies.

I don't want to hurt them. I didn't ever want to hurt them. And I have. Will they ever trust me again? Why should they? I'm not sure I trust myself anymore. McKenzie says I'm learning to trust my thoughts and my instincts again. I sure hope so. I'm ashamed of myself, of how I treated my children, how I've treated Jack these past weeks. They deserve so much better.

In the midst of her musings, the intercom rang, announcing visitors. After two weeks, Sam was well acquainted with hospital protocol; she checked her appearance one more time and made her way to a visiting area.

There were three private family visiting rooms in Memorial's psychiatric unit. Dr. McKenzie had set aside one for the O'Neills' use this afternoon. The room was fully carpeted and furnished as a comfortable family room with couches, a recliner, and ottomans.

Jack, the twins and baby Jon, were waiting for Sam when she arrived. Jon was securely in Jack's arms, the twins standing silently on either side of their father. They look scared too, Sam thought sadly. They don't know what to expect, what I'm going to do.

Sam walked slowly towards her family, smiling at the children in particular. Then she got down on her knees and threw open her arms, hoping for the instantaneous reaction she got. Both children ran into her arms, snuggled close and buried their little faces on either side of her neck.

Sam was crying silently, the happy tears that so often confused Jack. To make it easier for him, she looked up from the embrace long enough to flash a genuinely bright smile, undimmed by the tears that surrounded it. As was her hope, the smile warmed Jack's heart.

The twins continued to hold on for dear life. Their silence was unnerving to Sam. Just as she was ready to say something to break the spell, both twins pulled back just enough to look her in the eyes. Grace asked, "Are you really coming home, Mommy?"

"Yes, Princess, I'm coming home tomorrow," Sam answered.

She was rewarded by a glorious smile from her little girl. "Come home today, Mommy. Please," Grace pleaded.

Sam pressed a kiss to her little girl's forehead. "I love you, Princess. I can't wait to come home. I've missed all of you so much," she said, turning slightly towards Jake and kissing him as well. By then she'd stood up and led the twins over to the sofa where her husband sat quietly with Jon.

Sam was pleasantly surprised. After their initial reticence, the twins, especially Grace, her little magpie, talked nonstop as they usually did when they were excited. And they were very excited to see their mother. So much so that Jack struggled with his desire to protect Sam. He had all he could do not to restrain some of the twins' enthusiasm for fear Sam would be overwhelmed. But he remembered something McKenzie had said at the discharge planning meeting. The psychiatrist, fairly confident in his patient's fledging recovery had told Jack the worst thing he could do would be to treat Sam like she would break. And Jack instinctively knew he was right.

Finally, Jake asked the question both children had been wondering about since they entered the hospital. "Mommy," he said, "do your feelings still hurt?"

Sam looked briefly at Jack, knowing immediately this must have been the way her husband explained her depression to the children.

"I feel a lot better Jake. My feelings aren't so sad anymore. And I'm very happy to see both of you." The smile that reached to her eyes let the children and Jack know this was an accurate self assessment.

"So are you all better now, Mommy?" Grace asked.

Sam wasn't sure she knew the answer to that one herself. She suspected McKenzie would say something evasive like "recovery is a process" and "it takes time". Sam did not want to admit that to herself, let alone her little girl. She took a deep breath and looked at Jack, who simply nodded to her. He was not about to do what he knew she could do for herself. After all, she needed to communicate honestly with the children once again and feel confident about it.

"I'm much better, Grace. I don't need to sleep so much and I have more energy," she said. And then, "It's going to take time to get completely well. But I know I'm ready to come home."

"Can we help, Mommy?"

"You already have. Just seeing you and Jake helps a lot."

Jack was often proud of his wife, but today was special. She was on her way to conquering a completely different kind of enemy. And she and their family were winning.

On Saturday, the twins made their second trip in as many days to Memorial. Along with their father, they brought Sam home.

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Doctor McKenzie had explained to the O'Neills that Sam's continued recovery would depend on faithful adherence to the prescribed antidepressants as well as participation in psychotherapy. He couldn't guarantee how long either of these would be needed, but estimated a six month window of treatment.

Sam had never voluntarily gone to a mental health therapist of any kind. Sure, she'd talked to McKenzie and other military psychiatrists as part of mandatory debriefings after difficult missions, but that was as far as it went.

She had prided herself on her strength of character. Life might be difficult, painful things might happen. But Sam Carter always came through and often ended up saving everyone else. Even when she needed the saving, her ability to manage the psychic pain that accompanied many of the necessary losses in her military life had served her well.

So this was uncharted territory. Struggling with depression was different. It wasn't sadness, a bad day or even normal grief that plagued her. This was an illness her normally logical mind couldn't fully comprehend. To her dismay, it was an illness that didn't vanish with treatment. And now, as she was feeling somewhat better, that logical mind was working overtime trying to figure out what went wrong and why full recovery was taking so long.

A day after her return home, it was time to begin outpatient therapy. Seeing a therapist while she was hospitalized was a given. For one thing, she was so sick those first few days, she couldn't even think to protest the idea. For another, it was McKenzie and so the whole process felt like an SGC debriefing. Sam suspected these weekly outpatient sessions would be more personal, and she wasn't looking forward to it.

Jack and Janet had set up the initial intake appointment with Diana Montgomery. A clinical social worker with appropriate military clearance, Diana was in her early sixties and had been recommended by Ben Archer, the therapist Jack worked with years ago.

For many years Diana's clientele had consisted of persons referred to her by the armed services, largely for post traumatic stress disorder and other psychiatric problems related to military service. Within the past five years, after an experience in her own family, she'd devoted a segment of her practice to women experiencing postpartum depression.

As she met her new patient for the first time, Diana saw a well dressed, pleasant, but mildly agitated woman. It was clear to her from the beginning that Sam would rather not be in her office. Diana's job over the next few weeks would be to help her patient readjust to life with her family and continue her recovery. This first awkward session would set the stage for their therapeutic relationship.

After initial introductions, Sam and Diana sat silently for the first ten minutes of the session. Finally, Sam began and was surprised by her own candor.

"He deserves better than this," she said simply.

"Who's 'he' Sam?"

At the question, Sam turned to look at Diana for the first time. "My husband, Jack."

"And what is it you think Jack deserves?"

"Better that this, than me," she said softly, tears beginning to flow. When Diana didn't speak, Sam continued slowly. "I'm no good for him anymore. I can't do anything right."

"Do you believe that's how Jack feels?"

"What I believe is that Jack O'Neill is too good a man to complain. He wouldn't want to hurt me."

"And…"

"… and he's been responsible for three kids by himself these past few months, worried about me and probably worried that I might hurt one of the kids. Since Jon's birth, I've barely gone into work, so I haven't been a lot of use there either. I barely let Jack near me, let alone think about having sex. That's not the woman he married."

"Okay. So where is she, Sam?"

Sam looked at Diana, wondering how to answer the fairly rhetorical question.

"Damned if I know. She's sure as hell taking her sweet time getting back here."

"So you miss her, don't you, this 'superwoman' Sam everyone's been telling me about."

"Yes, of course, I miss her. That's who I'm supposed to me. The person everyone expects me to be."

"Or at least the person you expect you to be. Did it ever occur to you that Jack will love you even if you aren't Super Sam?"

Sam looked at Diana dismissively this time thinking she doesn't know anything about us, and huffed, shaking her head.

"Guess that's a no," Diana posited. "So Jack's not really the kind of man who deserves much at all. If he has to have Superwoman, he must be pretty shallow," she concluded watching her patient's face look angrier by the minute.

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare criticize him!" Sam shouted, surprised by her own sudden animation. Why am I letting this stranger get me so upset? She wondered.

"Sam, I'm not trying to criticize your husband. I'd simply like you to consider the possibility that he is as fiercely loyal to you as you are to him. That kind of man will love you whether or not Super Sam comes back."

Sam simply looked at the woman and began to cry once again.

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That night after the twins were asleep and Sam had finished feeding Jon, Sam and Jack were finally alone together. It was Sam's second night home from the hospital. The adjustment was more difficult than she had anticipated.

She was fearful of making mistakes with the kids, she handled Jon more carefully than necessary for fear she'd hurt him and Jack, oh Jack. Though she wanted his comfort and closeness, she was so afraid he'd want more that she'd found herself pulling away from him in bed last night. She knew her rejection hurt him. Here she was again hurting her family, the last thing she wanted to do. How could she even begin to talk with him about this?

Then again, the Sam Carter she remembered was fearless, so what did she have to lose?

"Sam, lets go out on the porch for awhile. The sky's clear. It's been a long time since you explained why we can't reach those stars by Stargate," Jack said lightly, smiling gently and a little suggestively at his wife.

"Jack, can we talk?" Sam asked in a smaller than usual voice.

"Sure, we can talk on the porch," he said without thinking.

"How about right here? Is that okay?"

"Of course, Sam. Whatever you want. I just thought…"

"I know. It's been a long time."

As they sat down, facing each other in separate chairs, Sam began again, "I'm sorry, Jack. I want to be with you. I just can't right now. It's supposed to get better as the medication works and some of the other symptoms subside…"

"Sam, sweetheart, I love you. This is what you've been upset about today, isn't it. Did you really think I'd pressure you? I'll be here when you're ready, Sam." Then after thinking about it for a moment and watching his wife's face, he knew there was something she wasn't telling him. "You're afraid you'll get pregnant again, aren't you?"

How does he know me so well? Sam thought, disturbed, yet at the same time, relieved.

She simply nodded, hanging her head.

"Last I knew there were ways to prevent that, Sam. Granted we haven't used any lately," Jack said, awkwardly trying to make a joke. "Sam nothing's going to happen until you're ready. I'm just so glad you're home." As Jack watched her face, a gentle smile played across it, no doubt in response to his lame attempt at humor. His Sam was coming back, and he was determined to be there for her in whatever way she wanted or needed in the days ahead.

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Surprisingly, the next morning was easier. Sam was more relaxed. She could have sworn Jack looked happier and she'd slept peacefully in her husband's arms all night. Maybe Diana's idea of talking about things was a good one after all.

TBC

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