RECLAIMING LIFE
When Jack told Sam he'd be seeing Ben Archer for brief therapy, she breathed a sigh a relief. She'd been worried about her husband. Despite her trust in Jack, she feared their marriage might not survive her depression and truly believed they stood a better chance with help than without it.
Day by day, Sam knew she was getting stronger. It was easier to get up in the morning, less of a chore to take care of the kids, she was less afraid of something happening to Jon. And she'd begun to finally feel the familiar stirrings of desire when she was close to her husband. She was glad; she was beginning to think she'd never want to make love again. There were still problems in that area but thank goodness things were getting better.
In fact, at her medical check up the other day, Janet had matter-of-factly broached the topic of sexual dysfunction and depression. Now this was about the last thing Sam wanted to talk with anyone about, but after all, it was Janet.
"I've been thinking about cutting back on the pills, Janet. I know one of the side effects is sexual dysfunction, decreased libido, or something like that," she said trying her best to make light of it. "If I take less of the medication, maybe things will improve."
Janet took a deep breath and turned to her good friend and patient, trying her best not to look perturbed.
"Sam, for a brilliant woman, you can be downright stupid sometimes!" Janet reconsidered the vehemence of her response, and continued. "I'm sorry, but after all you've been through, you'd consider stopping the medication that's helped you feel so much better without discussing it with Dr. McKenzie?"
"I'm discussing it with you. Janet, I want to be with my husband. I want things to be the way they were. We both deserve that, and I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen."
"Sam, loss of interest in sex is a fairly common part of depression. Add to that the fact that several of our most common psychotropic medications have decreased libido as a side effect and what you're experiencing is no surprise. But there are other medications you can try that don't have the same side effect. Let McKenzie work with you on that."
"Janet, I'd die before I'd talk to McKenzie about this," Sam said, not quite able to meet Janet's eyes.
"For the record you should feel free to talk with your psychiatrist about anything and this is no different. But let's look at this as a consultation. As your primary care provider, I'll consult with McKenzie around a trial of different meds. Is it okay for me to talk with him?"
"I suppose, as long as I never have to lay eyes on him again," Sam replied, only half in jest.
OoOoOo
It had been four weeks since her discharge from the hospital. Sam was getting anxious to return to work. She'd been away from the SGC for months and was starting to miss her role in the Stargate program.
"Jack, what do you think about my going back to work?" Sam asked, ready for just about anything in Jack's answer.
"You think you're ready?" He questioned by way of reply.
"Maybe a couple days a week to start?" Sam suggested.
"Okay, why not. Let me talk to Landry," Jack offered, thinking he could smooth the way and make it easier for her.
"Jack, remember you're out of his chain of command now. So you wouldn't be calling to make my return an order. I think it's up to me to go through the proper channels, like anyone else," Sam said, looking at him intently.
"You're up to that?" Jack asked, watching her quizzically.
'Hey you," she said teasingly, coming over to wrap her arms around her husband, "if I can't navigate military bureaucracy, I can't very well save the world at the SGC, now can I?"
"Excuse me, Ma'am. Go get 'em," he said with a gentle smile, glad to see his wife's spunk and self confidence gradually returning. Although a big part of him wanted to protect Sam now more than ever, Jack knew that Sam's desire to return to her normal life was a huge step in her recovery.
OoOoOo
Within ten days of their conversation, Sam started back at the SGC, two six hour shifts per week. Although she was feeling much better and chomping at the bit to get back into the thick of things, everyone encouraged her to take it slowly. Some people did this with the best of intentions.
Others, like Dr. Lee, saw her return at a threat to the status they'd achieved during her absence. Working with Dr. Lee had never been a great partnership, but now it was more of a challenge than ever. Sam was only slightly surprised when he treated her in an unnervingly guarded and condescending manner. Worse yet, she heard rumors that the man went to Landry complaining about someone "mentally unstable" being given access to sensitive classified information.
So it was that over the first few weeks of her return to the SGC, Sam struggled with her own insecurities in an environment where she knew great things were expected of her by some, while others were waiting for her to fail. Supported by her family, friends and most of her colleagues, she began the process of confidence building that would allow her to once more be accepted as the "foremost authority on the Stargate".
Of course, twelve hours a week did not allow for much work at the SGC itself. Sam gradually did more work from home, allowing her to care for baby Jon while she still managed the lab, at least long distance. She was also, once again, on call for emergencies, problems no one else could fix.
During her second week back on duty, Sam was called at home for a problem with the dialing program. It was the middle of the night. Jack's first reaction when he answered the phone was to tell the young lieutenant to wake up Dr. Lee. But he knew the man probably couldn't fix it. Besides Ben Archer had been after him to let Sam do as much as she could. So with some reluctance he handed Sam the phone.
"You shouldn't have to go in there in the middle of the night, Sam. You need your sleep," he said when she announced that she'd need to take a first hand look at things in order to fix the problem which seriously jeopardized SG12's current mission.
Sam, in the middle of getting dressed, turned and gave her husband one of her withering looks. It was that look that said "just because my reproductive organs …"
"Okay, okay," Jack said, relenting and holding up his hands in surrender. (Jack had teased Sam on more than one occasion about her feminist rant during their first meeting.) "I just wish I could drive you in," he said, from his perch on the side of their bed.
"You have three little sleeping angels to look after, Mr. O'Neill. And I'm planning to be back for breakfast. French toast would be nice."
"We could bundle the kids up and all drive in together, Sam," Jack offered. "Knowing the twins, they might sleep through the whole thing."
"We will not, Jack O'Neill," Sam said definitively, coming over to plant a kiss on the top of his head. "I'm okay. Promise."
"I just don't want you doing too much too quickly."
"I understand. I'm taking good care of myself Jack. And you're taking good care of me. Right?"
"I love you, Sam," he said, standing up and gathering her into his arms. "I suppose since I'm married to the smartest woman in the world, I have to share her with humanity. I'll have the French toast ready to go when you get back."
OoOoOo
When Sam arrived at the SGC, she was mildly irritated to find that they had indeed called in Dr. Lee first. He was deep in thought, sitting in the control room when she arrived. Reluctantly, he brought her up to speed. Seems she was called only once it was clear no one else would be able to solve the problem.
Brushing her initial irritation out of the way, Sam got to work. Within an hour, she'd written a subroutine to reverse the damage a virus had caused to the dialing program. When the gate sprung to life with its familiar "Woosh", Sam received congratulations for a job well done. Standing silently, less than a meter away from her was Dr. Lee. The astonishment in his eyes was plain for all to see.
On her way out of the control room, Sam deliberately walked past Dr. Lee. Stopping briefly, she addressed him somberly. "Depression doesn't eat IQ points you know, Dr. Lee," she said in the friendliest voice she could muster. Sorry to disappoint you, she thought, as she quietly left the area.
OoOoOo
When Sam arrived home around 0800 that morning, everyone was happy to see her. Of course the twins greeted her at the door, wide awake and ready to move on with their Saturday morning.
"Daddy's making breakfast," Jake announced.
"And the kitchen's a mess," Grace added, knowing her mother would appreciate that little tidbit.
"Morning, Sam," Jack called from the kitchen. "You're back just in time. Breakfast is ready as soon as you are."
"That's great. Thanks, Jack," she said as she made her way to the kitchen, wrapped her arms around him from behind and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. She'd decided to ignore the fact that the kitchen was indeed "a mess".
"Mark called," Jack told her quietly.
"Sorry I missed him. Is everything okay?"
"Well, frankly he was more than a little irritated that I let you go into work in the middle of the night. Something about you should quit the Air Force and focus on …"
"He what?"
"As if I could stop you," Jack said with a teasing smirk. "He's forgotten his sister is a force of nature when she's determined to do something."
"I thought he understood," Sam said with some disappointment.
"He's just concerned, Sam. And he's not here to see how well you're doing first hand. He's not sure he can believe me. What do you say we have Mark and the family out for a visit? Are you up for it?"
"That's a good idea. It's time."
TBC
OoOoOo
A/N: Thanks for reading. Reviews eagerly anticipated.
I'm off for a week's vacation in the woods without Internet connection. I'll get to do lots of writing, but no posting till next weekend.