Better Than Me, a harry potter fanfic

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be

Guilt is a terrible thing, he decided. She had been so young and full of life. She had had such promise, such a great future had lain ahead of her. And he had nearly taken it all away with three little words. As he paced throughout his room, memories came back to him. He attempted to halt them with a rough shake of his head, but to no avail. Giving up on his pacing, he made his way to the bed where, he noticed, he still expected her nightgown to be.

I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

When he woke up the next morning, he told himself he wouldn't think of her. Told himself he wouldn't miss her. Yet he failed. Halfway through the first class of the day, her smiling face came unbidden into his mind. It was then that he realized he missed her. No, not just missed her, yearned for her. Yearned for her laugh, her smile, the way she talked, the way she walked, her very presence. And it filled his heart, cold and jaded as it was, with sorrow.

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room

While attempting to clear his head, he sat himself down at his desk and attempted to observe those around him. When he opened the drawer to place his wand inside it, he was shocked to find a small book there. Opening it, he found photographs. While turning the pages, he remembered that first night…in the astronomy tower…the first time she had…

But he shook off the emotions treating to burst forth from him. In his mind he was calling himself pathetic. He couldn't even control his own emotions. If he couldn't control his emotions, how was he supposed to care for her? How was he supposed to protect her, when his own feelings kept getting in the way?

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end

So he coped the best way he could. He sent Gryffindor into the negatives numbers, followed closely by Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. He sneered and snapped as his reputation dictated him to do so.

But that night the other side of the bed was unusually cold, and as he buried his face in her pillow, he felt his world shatter, and he regretted pushing her away.

He no longer cared to pretend that she meant nothing to him. That would be a bold faced lie, and he'd told too many of those in his life. He just wanted her to know the reason why he did what he did.

I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

Before he fell asleep that night, a memory played in his head. It was the night he had forced her hand. The night he forced her to leave. And he remembered her last words to him. She never spoke to him again. And not very long after that, she left him forever.

But her words…they had not been a declaration of love. She had not begged him to let her stay. She made no pitiful excuses about why they should be together. She simply wanted to know…

"Why Severus? Why are you making me go?"

And into the darkness, he finally answered the question she had asked him more than seventeen years ago.

"You deserved so much better than me. You just couldn't see it."