The alarm sounded throughout the camp. Harry, Ron, and Hermione followed it to the girl's barracks and faced a Death Eater that had been hit by the Immobulous curse and had a cage thrown over him.
"WHY WERE YOU RUMMAGING THROUGH MY THINGS, THIEF? WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT? NOW YOU HAVE A BURN ON YOUR HAND AND-"
"Hermione, shut up. It's just a Death Eater."
"RON I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD SHUT UP! THIS IS SERIOUS!" Hermione took a deep breath.
"This Death Eater tried to gain access to the undestroyed Horcruxes!"
"Ah, this is serious," Ron consented, smiling as Hermione's face quickly turned puce.
"Indubitably," Harry said, ignoring the faint look of horror across Ron's face.
"Quit using big words!"
"Ron shut up!"
"Stop telling me to shut up Hermione!"
"SHUT UP! YOU LIKE THAT NOW?"
"NO I DON'T!"
"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?"
"SHUT UP HARRY!" Both Ron and Hermione yelled at him.
"Whatever, listen, we have the Death Eater and the Horcruxes are safe, so let's portkey this guy to Azkaban and finish dinner," Harry said as his stomach growled.
"You're right Harry," Hermione agreed as she took out her wand. "I'll be the one to do it, seeing as you both would botch the spell-"
"I'M WARNING YOU HERMIONE! IF YOU SAY ONE MORE THING ABOUT ME NOT BEING A COMPETENT WIZARD I'LL DO SOMETHING!" Ron gripped his wand tightly and pointed it towards Hermione, ignoring Harry's pleading signs for him to stop.
"YOU'LL DO WHAT RON? PUKE SLUGS AT ME?"
"THAT WAS BASED ON A MALFUCTIONING WAND, AND THAT WAS YEARS AGO!"
"Oh really?" Hermione whispered viciously. "Because I seem to remember that happening yesterday." She raised her eyebrow at him, urging him to take the bait. Ron glared at her quietly, choosing not to say anything.
"Guys," Harry began. "How about all of us take him out, okay? Let's not get into a big fight about one stupid Death Eater." Hermione nodded and Ron shrugged, a clear signal to Harry to finish what they needed to do before they became angry again. The trio turned around and stared startled at the now-empty cage. Hermione began to sob silently and Ron began pacing as Harry began blasting things with his wand.
"Damn! I knew we should have made the cages apparate-proof! I told you Hermione!" Ron yelled at Hermione.
"SHUT UP RON! DON'T YOU THINK I FEEL BAD ENOUGH?"
"No," Ron replied harshly. "I think you could feel a whole lot worse."
"YOU GUYS ARE MAKING THINGS FALL APART!" Harry yelled as Hermione and Ron pointed their wands at each other for a duel.
"OH LIKE YOU AREN'T TO BLAME AS WELL HARRY!" Hermione yelled as she cast the tickling charm at Ron who sent a dancing charm at her.
"FUCK YOU GUYS! I DON'T NEED THIS PRESSURE!" Harry stormed out of the tent, running smack into the Death Eater who promptly shot red curses at Hermione, Ron, and Harry. Five minutes later, the trio awoke to the angered faces of Mad-Eye Moody, a hooded figure, Dumbledore, and Snape.
"Congratulations," Moody bellowed so the whole camp could hear. "You've failed your first mission! You fell apart and the Death Eater 'killed' you! CONSTANT VIGLIGANCE!" Hermione rubbed her head and frowned.
"What was shot at us?"
"Stupefy," Dumbledore replied.
"I'll pound whoever shot that hex at me!" Ron yelled, rubbing his aching head. "Who was it?" The hooded figure chuckled.
"I know that laugh!" Harry yelled. "Tonks! How could you?"
"Wotcher, kids. I am paid for this job you know," She replied, winking at an outraged Snape.
"Dumbledore, I must say, Potter, Weasley, and Granger should be disciplined accordingly. Imagine if that had been a real Death Eater! Not only would the Horcrux be gone, but our, dare I say it, wizarding world heroes as well." Snape glared wickedly at the trio and ignored Tonks as she came up behind him and poked his shoulder.
"Ah Severus, don't be so miserable! Lighten up, it's only the lives of the wizarding world! Next time we'll just have to call them from the dead," Dumbledore said and chuckled.
"Albus, there is no spell to bring the dead back to life, you know that."
"Yes, I do Alastor. I was just trying to lighten the mood."
"Dumbledore, with all due respect, this is not the time to lighten the mood! The mood does not need to be lightened! WILL YOU STOP POKING MY SHOULDER MISS TONKS?"
"Geez," Tonks backed away from him. "I was only going to mention that your fly was unzipped, no need to bite my head off."
"Do you think someone bit his head off?" Harry whispered to Ron.
"I dunno, but that guy needs to get laid." Ron replied. "Maybe if we paid Tonks to do it…?"
"I HEARD THAT!" Snape yelled at the boys.
"I think that's a great idea!" Dumbledore said, earning blank astonished looks from everyone. "I can pay you three galleons Miss Tonks."
"Albus, please do not go pimping out my Auror, I cannot have her getting pregnant with Snape's child. Besides, I think he's gay."
"I AM NOT GAY ALASTOR!"
"I'll do it for ten galleons," Tonks said, earning even more blank stares and indignant squawks from Snape. "Besides, I'm really horny."
"It's settled then!" Dumbledore said as he turned towards the horrified trio imagining Snape having sex. "I think you three ought to leave now, but we shall see you here tomorrow at six in the morning. Don't be late!"
The trio exited the girl's barracks scarred for life and headed back to the empty mess hall.
"I guess what we all know to get Dumbledore for Christmas then, a pimp hat, with a big feather sticking out of it," Ron said as the trio walked around camp.
"Ron, don't be disgusting," Hermione said as Harry snickered at the image of Dumbledore in a pimp hat; it beat thinking of Tonks and Snape having sex. "It should be purple with leopard print. And we should get him some high-heeled boots with fish in them!" Harry sighed and listened to the two start to bicker about Dumbledore's pimp outfit and muttered to himself, "Next mission I will not fuck up if this will be the results."