TW for discussions of (sensory seeking, non-suicidal) self harm and anxiety/panic
Skye watched as Bobbi, and then Jemma, took their turns with Dr. Garner. Each one had seemed nervous going in and had seemed relaxed coming out. The thought didn't comfort her as much as she thought it should have. It wasn't that she was nervous about talking to Dr. Garner – she liked him and he had proven through their several sessions up to that point that he was better than most therapists she'd been forced to see. He didn't ask dumb questions, didn't criticize her or call her a hopeless case. He was kind and funny and easy to talk to. But she wasn't sure she wanted to admit to him how badly she had been struggling the last couple of weeks.
It had been one thing to open her heart up for Jemma – Jemma would have seen it regardless – or for someone like Bobbi or May to prod some truth telling out of her after they found her upset. It was another thing entirely to walk into Dr. Garner's office and just start talking about all the things that bothered her, unprompted. It was his job, of course, but that didn't ease the nagging embarrassment that scratched at her insides when she thought about what lay before her.
May went back with her when it was her turn. Sometimes Phil was the one who accompanied her, but Skye figured since May had talked with her a little bit about everything she was feeling, it might be easier to just keep the conversation going once Dr. Garner got added to the equation. Even though it was maybe a little childish, Skye sat close by May on the couch in Dr. Garner's office, close enough that she was almost pressed up against May's side. May didn't seem to mind, and Skye had to admit that it made her feel a little calmer to be anchored to someone like May. Until Dr. Garner closed the door behind them, that is.
"Hi Skye, good to see you," Dr. Garner greeted her as they all settled in. "How are you?"
"Fine," Skye said automatically. Dr. Garner's mouth twitched in a faint smile, but Skye found herself more focused on the shut door than on the nuances of his face. She couldn't pull her eyes away from the heavy wooden door. Couldn't stop the sound of the latch clicking into place from reverberating around in her brain, sounding a little too much like the gunshot from the warehouse for her taste. Suddenly the room felt very small, too small, too hot. Her heart flung itself against her ribs, beat after beat, pounding faster than the speed of light.
"Skye?" May gave her arm a little shake, snapping Skye's attention away from the door. "Are you okay? You look green."
"What?" Skye choked out, turning wild eyes on May. "Yeah. Sorry." She felt like she was going to pass out. Or throw up. Or maybe both. She wasn't sure which one would be worse to have happen after the other. She had been surreptitiously leaving all the doors open around their house the past several days, so she had kind of forgotten how sickening a closed door could be.
"Skye, you're scaring me a little. What's wrong?"
Skye's first impulse was to spit out a 'nothing' and do her best to swallow down the surging swell of panic that was clogging her throat, but May's hand found its way to her knee, reminding Skye of their conversation yesterday. This was exactly what they had talked about. She was supposed to tell them when she was feeling scared, even if it was over something as stupid as door.
"Can… can we open the door?" she asked, sudden shame muting her voice down to barely above a whisper. Her ears went hot, and she stared down hard at her cast resting in her lap, trying to force herself to take a deep breath.
"Of course," Dr. Garner said quickly. Skye didn't lift her eyes, but she could hear him stand and cross the room. When the click of the door unlatching met her ears, she raised her head, and the sight of the hallway through the open door made her muscles turn to putty with relief. She sagged into May's side and let out a shaky breath.
"Skye, I apologize," Dr. Garner told her as he retuned to his seat. "I didn't realize we needed to leave the door open. I'm sorry for upsetting you."
"It's okay," murmured Skye. Now that the tidal wave of terror had ebbed away, she was left feeling a little bashful about how she'd overreacted. She hadn't known the door would bother her as much as it did. "It's just a dumb door."
"Making this space comfortable for you is never dumb," Dr. Garner assured her. "I'm always happy to adapt things in here to help you, as long as we're all still safe."
"Skye…" May cut herself off with a shake of her head. She looked like she was confused, almost. "I didn't know… is this why I keep finding all the doors half-open around the house? I just assumed people were forgetting to close them."
"It's me," Skye admitted. "Sorry. I was hoping people wouldn't notice."
"There's nothing wrong with leaving the door open," May said quickly. "I just didn't know that was something you needed."
"Do you mind if we talk about the door for a minute, Skye?" Dr. Garner asked.
Skye shrugged. She wasn't sure she had anything concrete to say about her bizarre new peculiarity, but she figured Dr. Garner wouldn't be too keen on letting her leave before they'd talked about it.
"How do you feel when the door is closed?"
"Sick," Skye said almost automatically. "All hot and nervous, like my heart's going to explode. As soon as it's closed, all I can think about is how badly I want to go and open it. It feels like I'm stuck when it's closed. Trapped."
"How long has this been happening?"
"Ever since…" Skye faltered and lifted a curious look Dr. Garner's way. "Did they tell you what happened to us? At the warehouse?"
"The broad strokes," he said quietly. "An incredibly harrowing experience, I'm sure."
"We got locked in this room, me and Jemma. Locked up and there wasn't any way out, except through this window that Jemma found. We broke it and climbed through, but then my… Cal... he caught us and brought us back. That's when Jemma got…" She swallowed hard. "I know it's stupid, but any time the door's closed now, all I can think about is being locked up again. About not being able to move or do anything. About the sound the gun made when it went off and… and…" Her throat felt tight, something burning in the back of it, and she could feel her chin quivering slightly as she tried to keep her composure.
"Well, it's certainly not stupid," Dr. Garner assured her. "It's a very normal thing, to have strong reactions to the things that remind us of traumatic events. We don't control what things trigger those kinds of reactions – for some people it's particular sounds or smells, a certain word or phrase… it sounds like, for you, a closed door stirs up not only a lot of frightening memories, but a lot of intense emotion as well."
"I just wish it wasn't something so… I don't know, normal, I guess," Skye said. "I can't exactly avoid closed doors for the rest of my life."
"That's true," nodded Dr. Garner. "There will likely be a number of situations where you'll be faced with a closed door. Sometimes you'll be able to leave the door open, or you might be able to ask someone else to leave it open, like today. There's nothing wrong with asking for help in that way in most cases. But in the event that you can't avoid a closed door, I do have a few things that you might find helpful."
He walked her through a number of different strategies for staying calm, like taking deep breaths, counting things, or talking through something he called 'grounding phrases,' which sounded a lot like some of the things Miss Hand had made her say when Skye had called her during her Thanksgiving freak out.
"I think it might also be prudent for all of us to work together to come up with a safety plan," he added, after a moment. "Especially for a place like school, where you might not be as easily able to calm down or remove yourself from a stressful situation. You and Melinda and Phil can work on that together, although I would also recommend bringing in someone like your teachers or Mrs. Hinton at school. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just a concrete plan to get you somewhere calm and safe, preferably with an adult to help, if things get overwhelming."
"We can work on that," May agreed, giving Skye's hand a squeeze. "Right, Skye?"
"Yeah, that all sounds okay. Better than what I did to try and calm down yesterday, at least."
"What happened yesterday?" Dr. Garner asked curiously.
Skye's ears grew warm again. "I got kind of upset when May had to leave for work. And I might have kind of… bonked myself on the face with my cast to try and calm down."
"Her cheek," clarified May. She brushed a few fingers lightly over the place where Skye had hit herself yesterday. Luckily, it hadn't developed a bruise, although the sensation of May's cool fingers on her skin made Skye's face feel hot. "It looks fine now, but it was pretty pink and puffy yesterday."
Dr. Garner made a thoughtful noise, but he didn't seem all that upset or worried, much to Skye's relief. "Can you remember what you were feeling when you were hurting yourself like that, Skye? Why that was the thing that you tried to do to calm down?"
"It's hard to explain," Skye shrugged, dropping her gaze down to her lap once more. "I wasn't trying to hurt myself, not like that, anyway. It wasn't about the hurting. It was more like… I just needed to feel something, I guess? Something strong that crossed out the other feelings I was having, like I was going to explode or spin out of orbit. Like a reminder that I was real and here, almost. And then doing it over and over again… I don't know, I just couldn't stop. I told May, it was almost like when I have to bounce my leg up and down so I don't feel like running around a room. I have to get it out, the energy or the feeling or whatever."
"Like a release?" Dr. Garner asked.
"Yeah, I guess."
"I'm going to suggest something," he said. "It sounds to me like there's some degree of sensory-seeking happening here. You said you wanted to feel something – you were already feeling things deeply at the time, but it was an emotional feeling, not a physical one, which is why, I'm guessing, you sought out something with such a strong sensory component. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel something physically to help you work through your emotions, but I would encourage us to try and brainstorm some things that can still provide you with that physical sensation without causing you harm. Does that make sense?"
"You mean like Bobbi's twirling, or when Jemma taps on stuff to help calm down?" Skye cocked her head to one side. "I tap with her sometimes, but it doesn't really help me feel better, it's more just so she has somebody to do it with."
"Something like that," Dr. Garner nodded. "You already mentioned one – bouncing your leg. If that's something that helps you, I see no reason why you shouldn't continue to use it. We can think of some other things, too. Maybe there's an object you can use to squeeze tightly, or you can shake out your muscles, crack your knuckles, something like that. Something to give your body something to do while you take the time to try and name the emotion you're feeling and work through why you might be feeling that way. Something to give you time to calm down, or if you can't calm down alone, enough time to get somewhere safe where someone else can help you."
"Does that really work?" Skye asked dubiously.
Dr. Garner smiled. "For some people. It's a little bit of a trial-and-error process, certainly. We'll just have to try some different things until we find something that feels good to you, that helps you. I know some people prefer something a little more intense, like playing sports, or –"
Skye made a face. "Bobbi's the jock, not me. I get enough sports in gym." That made Dr. Garner laugh.
"Well, it's not for everyone," he said. "There's other kinds of physical activity, too, of course. Running, walking, biking… Yoga is a popular one, tai chi –"
"You do that one!" Skye exclaimed, swiveling her head over towards May and grinning up at her. "I remember Phil telling me one time, except I thought he said 'chai tea' the first time. That's why you get up so early, right?"
"That's true," May said, and the corners of her mouth pressed in tight as she fought off a smile. "I've done tai chi for a long time. It helps me focus, start my day right. I could teach you, if you want."
"You'd do that?"
"Of course." The smile that May had been biting back broke free, washing over her face. "And I won't even make you get up at 5 to do it."
"I think that all sounds like a wonderful idea," Dr. Garner said, joining May in her smile. "Skye, let's give a couple of these things a try, plus we'll keep plugging away on some of those emotional awareness exercises I gave you last month. I think those will continue to be helpful. And then we'll check in next week and see what tweaks we need to make. Sound good?"
"Sounds good," Skye agreed.
"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about before we go?" he asked. "I know Jemma mentioned you all are going to the doctor today, how are you feeling about that?"
Skye wrinkled her nose. "Nobody likes going to the doctor."
"That's true," Dr. Garner said with a chuckle. "Although it's not so bad if you have a good one."
Realizing what she'd just accidentally implied, Skye looked up quickly, eyes wide. "I didn't mean– I was talking about like, regular doctors. Getting shots and seeing how far behind everybody you are on the growth chart and stuff like that. Not you."
"I know, Skye. I was just teasing you, don't worry," smiled Dr. Garner.
"Coming here isn't so bad," Skye assured him. "I mean, I don't always like having to talk about feelings and stuff, but it doesn't suck like other doctors' offices. You're pretty cool."
"Thank you for saying that."
"And I don't have to worry about you making stupid reports to social services. You wouldn't ever tell CPS to split us up."
"I do take that part of my job seriously," Dr. Garner said, his tone proving his point. "But I have never been given a reason to think that you and Jemma and Bobbi aren't in a safe and loving home. And it's clear that the five of you work well as a family. I can see how important you all are to each other. I can understand how someone who doesn't know you all very well, a doctor in an emergency room, for example, might not see things as clearly, though."
"Maybe." Skye twisted her mouth around into a frown and stared down hard at her cast with furrowed brow. "Still, if they had just listened to me and believed me when I told them how things were, it wouldn't have gotten so messed up."
"It can certainly be very difficult to feel like no one is hearing you when you're trying to tell them something important."
"And I mean," Skye continued, old traces of the frustration she had felt at the hospital last week rekindling a faint and smoky fire in her chest, "it's not like I'm not used to it. People ignore us all the time, and normally it doesn't really matter. It's just how it is. But I told them over and over again that they had it all wrong. But they wouldn't believe me. I felt like I was shouting from the inside of a fish tank or something. Like just bubbles were coming out and people just kept staring at me and tapping on the glass instead of paying attention to what I was trying to say."
"That sounds frustrating."
"A lot of horrible stuff happened that day," Skye said quietly. "Horrible, scary stuff. Jemma almost died. But it wasn't until the doctors told me that we were getting split up that I really felt… powerless. Like nothing I did or said mattered at all. Cal, he made me and Jemma do stuff we didn't want to do, and he had this gun that made it so we had to do whatever he said, but he still tried to listen to me. Which sounds crazy, I know. But he wanted me to like him, so sometimes I could get him to do what I wanted. The doctors, though… I guess I just kind of forgot how much other people are in charge of my life. I don't get to have a say in anything. Where I go or who I live with." Beside her, May bristled slightly, and Skye did her best to suck in a steadying breath.
"Some people say that having one's agency removed is one of the ways in which people become most dehumanized," Dr. Garner said. "In other words, when we aren't allowed to have any control over our own lives, our own selves, we start to feel less human, less whole. It sounds to me like you've been denied a great deal of control over your own life lately."
"I got to come home, though," Skye murmured. "I told Miss Hand and the investigator that May and Phil and Jemma and Bobbi were my choice, and I got to come home. That was a good thing."
"Very good," May said quietly. She tipped her head forward and touched her forehead to the top of Skye's head, just a gentle little bump that made Skye feel like she had just swallowed a spoonful of warm honey.
"I know I'm adding onto your homework list, but think it might be a good idea for you and Melinda and Phil to work together to find some other ways for you to build up some agency," Dr. Garner suggested. "It doesn't have to be anything big or dramatic, but maybe you three could come up with one or two choices a day that you get to make, just for you. Things that make you feel like you don't have to shout from inside a fish tank to be heard."
"Not feeling like a fish will be nice," Skye decided. "And maybe Jemma and Bobbi could get some things to choose, too."
"I'm sure they'd appreciate that," May smiled.
They finished up then, exchanging goodbyes and getting to their feet. As Skye followed May out the open office door, she turned back to look at Dr. Garner.
"You're a really nice guy, Dr. Garner. Not just for a doctor. And thanks. For… for not making me shout."
A broad, warm smile slowly spread across Dr. Garner's face, like cozy sunlight creeping into a room as the sun rose. "Any time, Skye. And thank you. That means a lot to me. I'll see you next week, okay?"
"See you then."