Drugs or Me

Author's Note: Wow, you guys blew me away with reviews for this. I honestly didn't know if you would like it, but I was definitely proved wrong. I always feel like the second chapter won't live up to expectations but I'm gonna try. I hope you'll all stick with me and keep reviewing, I love getting them. Enjoy guys.

Chapter 2: Breakdowns & coping with loss…

- 'Keep my heart somewhere drugs don't go, where the sunshine slows, always keep me close' –

It's about four in the morning now as I flick my eyes over to her clock. The red numbers blink ominously, the way they had when I left the house four hours ago, the way my missed call blinked on my cell phone numerous times. My mom had to be worried to death by now, but I couldn't wake her, she looked far too peaceful for me to interrupt her now.

I considered standing to make the call in the hallway, but the way she was snuggled up against me prevented me from doing so. I knew the trouble I'd be in when I finally got home, but watching her breathe and the small smile that graced her face every so often made what lay ahead seem worth it. It had been a while since I'd seen her so content with the world around her, and it upset me that the only time I saw this side of her was in her subconscious.

I was startled from my thoughts when she stirred, flipping over to look at me. She seemed only half awake as her eyelids drooped. I could see she was exhausted from the bags under her eyes, and it only proved to make me feel even worse about how shitty of a friend I'd been to her when she needed me most.

"Sleep," I kept my voice low and soft, I know it's what she needs right now.

"I can't…I need…" her sentence trailed off as she went to stand to go to her drawer. My heart dropped into her stomach as I saw her pull the vile from her drawer…I guess it was something I should've expected, after all it was what I was confronting her about in the first place.

She stumbled toward the bathroom that connected to her room, and I watched as she gathered a few blank CD's and twisted the cap off the small tube. I knew something had to be done, despite how cruel her reaction to me would be, I stood.

It only took me a few swift steps to reach her, and standing against the door frame I watched her prepare the drug for herself, and I don't think in years to come I'll ever be able to explain the feeling of watching the girl I had been in love with throw her life away. It made me want to throw up seeing her throw herself down this dark hole, and it's something I don't think I'll ever want to experience again.

"Peyton," she refused to look at me, but I think she could hear my disappointment as I stood. Nonetheless, she continued her business, ignoring my presence after she had pleaded with me to stay. I can't let her do this, my mind keeps telling me to do something as she lifts the CD with the white powder up to her face and it's now that I'm able to spring into action.

My hand reaches out toward her, but she snaps her head to look at me before I ever make contact with what she's holding. "Don't touch me," there's venom in her voice at that moment, and to be honest, it scared the hell out of me to see her personality flip in front of my eyes.

"I can't let you do this."

"Well, then leave," she hisses, turning back to what she was doing. I remembered thinking earlier that she didn't need me to yell at her, or tell her what she had done wrong in her life. But now, seeing the state she's in and watching how she's living I know what I have to do.

"Peyton…" I take another step into the bathroom, reaching for the CD quickly and snatching it from her hands.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" there's fire burning in her eyes at me, and I quickly take a step away from her.

"I'm helping you, you need help," my logical thinking isn't making any progress with her as she steps toward me, I know she's angry, well more furious than angry.

"I didn't ask you for help!" she raises her voice at me, taking a few more steps as I continue to move backwards.

"I'm not letting you have this, I can't watch you do this to yourself!" I raise my voice to match hers, I won't let her take control here though I see her looking at me with such rage that I did have second thoughts about this whole thing.

"THEN LEAVE! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE, SO GET THE FUCK OUT!" her words sting me, and I wince under the intensity pouring out of her eyes. We never fought, it had never been like us and I'm not so sure how to react to that.

"I'M NOT LEAVING, PEYTON. I TOLD YOU THAT, I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SO GET USED TO IT!" after that I expected her to yell at me to hit me, but instead I watch in pain as the tears fill her eyes. I toss the CD off into a corner of the room, her eyes following it all the while.

She scurries back to the bathroom, retrieving the vile, attempting to inhale some small amount before I could get to her. Again, I moved to the bathroom, taking her away from the vile that was laying on the sink, but she wasn't making the task easy for me. She seemed like a small child in my arms, flailing and kicking, trying to get away from my grasp.

"LET ME GO!" she's crying and screaming at the same time, and I'm not sure which is winning out. I refuse to let her go and I know she's so angry with me right now, but I'm hopeful that she'll move past it when she sees I'm only here to help.

I can't describe what It was like watching her collapse to the floor in tears, as I take the vile, dumping it's contents down the drain, making sure they're gone. And to my shock she scrambles off toward the corner where the CD had landed, and she's on the floor looking for any trace of the white powder that had sunk into the carpet minutes ago.

It takes a lot of strength to pull her away and back into my arms. She's steaming mad, and she's punching my chest with all the strength she's able to muster but I hold her close to me, making sure she knows I care, that I've always cared even when it didn't seem like it.

"Let me go, Luke," her voice is hoarse as it leaves her throat, but I keep her close as her chest heaves with the sobs. She's shaking violently now, and it's scaring me, terrifying me. I'm a seventeen year old boy, I'm still a little kid as far as anyone's concerned, and I didn't sign up for any of this, and it's petrifying me to watch her shake in my arms. I should be the strong one here, I should be able to take care of her with a few kind words, but right now, I'm incapable of all thought.

"I won't let you go," is all I can rip out of my mouth, it's all I can say to her right now. I know she asked for me to release her, but after so long I know more than anything that she asked me not to. That her words were asking me not to release my hold on her. And I'm trying not to, I am, but it's quite possibly the most difficult thing I've ever done.

We're laying back on the bed fifteen minutes later, and the tears are still pouring from her eyes, she can't seem to stop them now. We're both laying on our sides, she's facing me, crying into my chest as I rub her back again. I don't really know if the rubbing is doing anything, but maybe it's more to calm my own nerves. I can't help but feel emotionally exhausted, and I think she feels the same way but can't calm herself enough to let sleep come.

"This isn't what she would've wanted," I tell her, and for the first time she meets my stare, looking stunned.

"My mom?" she chokes on her words and I wonder if it was right of me to bring her mother into the picture. I know that's a huge reason why she is the way she is, why Jake leaving was like the final straw in her life. I nod at her, my eyes flashing sympathy to her, but she shakes her head adamantly.

"Don't pity me, Lucas," her words are strong and firm for the first time in hours, but they disintegrate again, "I know I failed…" she stops talking abruptly, the tears are coming again and I don't know if her eyes will ever run dry.

I want to say something right now to let her know how wrong she is about herself, how proud I am of her, despite this whole situation. How proud her mother would've been.

"You're not," and I know it's lame, and it doesn't even come close to what I wanted to say to her, but I've never been all that great with speaking words.

"I AM! LOOK AT ME! I'm on drugs, I'm having an emotional breakdown…it's a good thing she's not here, she would hate me," her voice shakes again through those last four words, and it's then that she loses it worse than ever before. Her sobs are loud, tearing me up inside, and her body shakes harder than before, the sobs racking her body. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to comfort a girl who's so broken.

"I swear to you she wouldn't, Peyton," I can't tell if she hears me, she doesn't react to those words, so I force myself to speak again, "She'd be so proud of you, so unbelievably proud of her little girl, you have to know that…" she manages to look at me again, through her tears that have yet to cease.

"How…you don't know that…you can't. I'm not worthy of being anyone's daughter, Luke…" those words break my heart over and over again.

"I know she'd be proud of you, because I am," finally there's all the words pouring from my mouth that I'd needed moments ago, "I'm proud of you. I'm proud of who you've become, forget all of this, we all make mistakes, we're all hurting. It doesn't make anyone love you any less because I never have," she leans into me again, silently thanking me for being what she needed tonight.

"No?" her voice is nearly a whisper and I know it's raspy from all of the tears.

"Never. I've never loved you any less, and neither has your mom or dad. Or any of your friends. Don't you ever doubt it, ever."

"I don't know what to do anymore…I can't do this anymore. I feel like I just…I have no will anymore," her voice remained as soft as I'd ever heard it, but the silence surrounded us, making it so easy to hear what she was telling me.

"Then I'll help you –"

"You can't, you're leaving in the morning. Everyone leaves when morning comes around," she seems to have no self-worth anymore and I think that's what worries me the most at the second. She doesn't seem to have any will to live, to be there with me, and I don't know how to change that. We're still kids, I don't know how to save her anymore.

"I'm not leaving, Peyt," I have to reassure her, she has to know this.

"Well, even if you stay here…how is that going to help?" this is the question I had just been dreading, the question I really and truly didn't know how to answer. Because I didn't know how I was going to help, I honestly didn't. I didn't have a plan when I left my house at midnight, and I still didn't.

"You want the truth," she nodded into my chest, still not looking at me, "I don't know, Peyton. I don't. I don't know how I'm gonna help you, but you know…" I lower my voice a few octaves, whispering to her again, "I'm going to fight for you, you're not gonna do this alone. I won't let you, I won't. I'll fight for you if you need me to."

She nods again, pushing herself closer to me for warmth, I can feel her shivering again.

"I'm so tired," I heard her whisper. I didn't know exactly what she meant by that, whether she was actually physically tired and needed sleep or mentally tired of everything around her. I took a guess, assuming both and with that I wrapped a blanket around her and laid an arm over that, making sure she knew I was there.

"I'll be here in the morning, I promise."

Wow, these damn stories drain me. I hope this lived up to what you expected, I don't know how much I like it, but I think it's the most logical next step to this. I hope you liked it. Review and tell me, please, everyone who reviewed the last chapter, keep going!