Drugs or Me

Author's Note: Hey, sorry for the small delay, with the holidays I've been busy, and since everything's been somewhat happy for the holidays you may know how hard it is to put so much of yourself into a really depressing story. But I'm trying. I hope this chapter lives up to expectations.

Chapter 3: An Attempt to Get Back to Normal

- 'If you could only see, the stranger next to me. You promise, you promise you're done, but I can't tell you from the drugs' –

It's not the morning light that wakes me, and it's not the sounds of Peyton throwing up in the bathroom…it's that I haven't slept all night because my mind would not stop moving. I was trying to desperately find a way to help her, and it being only seven o'clock hasn't allowed me much time.

I shove myself from the edge of her bed, walking to the bathroom where she was hunched over the toilet, her face pale, she looked like she was in pain. A pain that coincided with the fact that she was having drug cravings and I had dumped her last vile.

The look she shoots me makes me wince slightly, and I do take a step away from her momentarily, but a second later I find myself behind her as she empties the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Pulling away she looks at me with so much hurt pouring from her eyes that I can feel her pain, I can feel it so intensely that it tears and pulls me down onto my knees next to her.

She falls into my arms, crying again, almost a reenactment of the scene I had just experienced a few hours before. And I have to wonder how many times we're going to go through this before she'll ever be okay, before she'll accept me for being there for her, and taking care of her through all of this.

"What about school?" she chokes out hoarsely, and I cringe at the sound of her voice sounding so raw.

"There's only today and tomorrow before break, I won't miss much."

"Luke, you can't…you have to go to –" she tries to protest but I cut her off with a look.

"I'm not going, I'm not leaving you by yourself like this, I told you I wouldn't. Just let me be here," she's silenced after that, her body still shaking against me. I can see her mood improving just slightly, and I can see the beginning of her trust for me building when I'm able to meet her eyes.

It's about ten minutes later, we're still on the floor as I hear her speak softly, "My dad's not coming home for Christmas…" I can't tell if she's crying, but I know that she's upset, she's always been upset that he never comes home anymore.

"You're spending Christmas with me," I announce, she pokes her head up at me, her eyes questioning my motives. "I'm not trying to accomplish anything here but being a friend. I don't want to date you, or get in your pants if that's why you're looking at me like that. I want to help, I want to see you back to the girl I met at the beginning of this year. I want my friend back," she nods slowly, absorbing everything I just told her, taking it in and processing what I wanted.

"I don't…I don't want to be this person anymore," she confesses, her voice cracking again, and every time it does it hurts me a little bit more. But I know, by that statement, she's letting me in, she's letting me know she wants me there to help and it makes me feel a little bit better about the whole situation.

"Well, that's progress, because I'd really like the girl I met at the beginning of this year back. I kinda miss her," I enjoy teasing her from time to time, usually it cheers her up a little. And my theory proved right as she smiled, a small laugh coming from her stomach. "Well, someone's feeling better."

"I think today's gonna be a good day…if you're gonna stick around I can't guarantee they're all gonna be good, but on the good ones I can promise you'll enjoy my company," she dared to look up at me and flashing a small smile she looked back down. It was all I could want for today.

"Well since you're having such a good day, how about we go out to civilization for a little while."

"I dunno," she sounds reluctant, and very self-conscious.

"C'mon, we'll go visit Haley for a little while. I'm not trying to bring you to the mall or anything, I just think maybe something relatively normal will help you feel a little bit better," my suggestion makes a strange look appear in her eyes and I watch the question form on her lips.

"Do you think I'll ever be able to be normal again?" and that's the question that does me in. I feel like crying right now, that this girl in front of me who I had been so close to was so broken that she had to ask if she'd ever be alright. I want more than anything to assure her that she will be, but I can't.

"I hope so," is the only true answer I can give her.

"I feel like a stranger, Lucas. It hurts to smile anymore, and I don't feel okay. I'm not okay," her eyes look so lost, so defeated. And it's now that I again bring up the fact that I'm a seventeen year old kid, dealing with such intense emotions and problems that I don't know how to help her anymore.

"That's why I'm here to help –"

"But what if you can't," she cut me off quickly, the tears filling her eyes once more.

"Can't I at least try?" I'm pleading with her now, and I can feel my voice crack that she's pushing me away again.

"What if it's just a waste? Just go be with Brooke, she's happy, she doesn't have these issues," her voice is cold and it's becoming distant again.

"I don't wanna be with Brooke, I want to be here –"

"No, you just think you do. Brooke needs you, she's the one who's in love with you. She's perky and always smiling and happy. That's the kind of girl you're looking for, you don't need me who's only going to bring you down, just leave," she began to push against my chest, but her words were biting and hurtful.

"Please…" my voice cracked and I felt the tears burning against my eyes, I had to be strong for her, but I felt so small as she tried her hardest to keep me away. I felt like a little kid getting yelled at for doing something really wrong, but was it so wrong that I wanted to help her?

"Lucas, why're you doing this? We haven't been all that close for a long time, you've been telling everyone Brooke's the one, you pushed me away and called us a mistake, and for a long time you acted like you didn't even care... what're you doing here?"

I felt a few tears fall from my eyes and I quickly brushed them away, watching the surprise fill her eyes at that. I take my hands to my eyes, rubbing them around like a three year old, but I'm exhausted and I've been dealing with all of this for two days, I couldn't focus.

"Honestly, what are you doing here?"

"Jake called and –"

"No, because you didn't have to come, you could've sent Nathan, or anyone. This is a lot to handle, obviously," her tears fell too, "but you had to come for a reason, no one chooses to do this for fun," she made no attempt to wipe her tears this time, and looked at me with her red swollen eyes, not knowing how her questions had left me speechless and totally caught off guard, why was I here?

"I…"

I'm really sorry its been a while. I just recently lost my grandmom though, and things have been hectic with that. Hopefully I can put some of that emotion into this though. I hope you'll forgive the delay and that this was okay. I know it's not long, but…