Drugs or Me

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay again, it's just a lot of stuff has been going on. But I'm doing my best and I hope you're enjoying the story.

Chapter 4: Someone to Lean On

- 'Don't let go, we'll dig a great big hole, down an endless hole, we'll both go' –

"No, because you didn't have to come, you could've sent Nathan or anyone. This is a lot to handle, obviously," her tears fell too, "but you had to come for a reason, no one chooses to do this for fun," she made no attempt to wipe her tears this time, and looked at me with her red swollen eyes, not knowing her questions had left me speechless and totally caught off guard, why was I here?

"I…" how was I supposed to answer this? Any answer I gave her would seem like total bullshit…and it would be, considering I didn't even really know why I was there. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" she pushed, her eyes looking very spiteful.

"No…I honestly can't tell you why I'm here right now, or why I'm doing all of this. I mean you're right, I could've sent anyone, but I came. And I don't know why…"

"What do you mean you don't know?" she rose her voice a few octaves, and my emotions began to flood my eyes. I can't believe I'm going to cry in front of her, but a tear drops as I'm trying to form thoughts on no sleep and so much emotion around me.

"I mean I don't know, why can't you just leave it be? Why can't…why can't you just let me help you, Peyton, why do I have to have an ulterior motive?" my tears begin to fall even faster and I'm rubbing my eyes like a four year old, but I was seventeen years old crying in front of a girl and I felt like a jackass.

"Because people always leave, Lucas. No one stays by my side by choice, and this must be out of guilt or something, so get out!"

"I'm not leaving," as the tears continued to fall I still stand my ground, or more sit my ground on the bathroom floor, but either way.

"JUST GET OUT!"

"Why do you keep doing this? It's like once every four hours and I can't do it anymore, Peyton. I'm seventeen years old, I'm not an adult and I can't handle you, but I'm trying. I'm trying because I want to be here for you, please, please let me. I can't watch you go down this road alone, I won't," her eyes didn't soften the way I've been desperately hoping they would.

"Fine," her tone had lost all emotion, "you won't leave? I will," she didn't care to take a coat with her, nor did she grab her shoes, she just walks out, leaving me crying on the bathroom floor as my emotions finally get the better of me.

It's been an hour and I'm not sure if I'm expecting her to walk through her bedroom door or not…but it was obvious that her good day had checked out when I suggested we go out. And I begin to worry, so my first instinct is to call Haley, though Peyton has always been closer to Brooke, I know she's been able to talk to Haley more seriously. And I don't know if Haley knows about all of this, but I know that I need help.

"Haley?" I say her name through my ever-cracking voice, and a few tears continue to drop as I hear her answer me tiredly.

"Luke? It's a late opening, the point is to catch up on the sleep, not give me a wake up call," she coughs to clear her throat.

"Hales…I need your help, I just I don't know where to find her, and I'm worried," I can feel my guard falling from under me, and I can hear the urgency in Haley's voice as she hears me crying.

"Lucas, where are you? I'll be right over," I can hear her fumbling around for clothes, since school doesn't start until nine on late openings I knew she was dead asleep, it's only 7:45.

"I'm at Peyton's…hurry, Haley I need to find her," my tears are scaring me now, I haven't cried this much since my favorite aunt died about five years ago. I hadn't even cried this much the night I found out Brooke might have been pregnant, but everything's catching up, and I'm worried sick about Peyton. I didn't know where she was or who she was with, and as I had been watching her deteriorate over the last few days I suddenly realized, she was taking me down with her.

Haley ran through Peyton's house in a desperate attempt to find me, I could hear her footsteps from my spot on the bathroom floor. I still haven't moved, I can't find the strength to move today, I'm so worn emotionally from being this rock for Peyton and physically I'm running on no sleep. And it's about now that I realize how strong Peyton is to keep going, because if I was in that situation I don't even think I would be able to talk, let alone storm out of a house.

"Luke!" I can hear how frantic she is, and when I see her face her eyes are full of worry. I watch the sympathy fill them next as she makes her way to me, engulfing me in her arms, and it's nice to be taken care of for a few minutes, to know that I don't have to be so strong all the time.

"Thank you," my voice is soft and as she lowers herself to her knees I can feel myself collapsing against her, crying again and mumbling about where Peyton might be and how worried I am about her. I wrap my arms around her tightly, holding on and I think it scares her a little bit to see me so fragile for once.

"C'mon, let's get you home for a little bit, cleaned up, changed and we'll figure this out," she stands, reaching her hand out, waiting for me to accept the invitation.

"What if she comes back? She's gonna think I left her," and I can't stand the thought of what she might do to herself if she thinks I've left her. I promised I wouldn't and I won't break that, I know that I can't.

"She won't. We'll leave her a note, this isn't healthy, Luke. You're mentally exhausted, this is a lot to handle right now, you need to sleep," her worried eyes are what make me grab her hands and get into the car with her.

She drives us back to my house, my mom is at the café for the day so I know I won't have her prying for information. Haley makes sure I make it to the bathroom before I hear her leave again, announcing she's going to drive around a little bit to see if Peyton is anywhere near here.

The hot water feels like the best thing ever invented right now, and as it falls down my back I realize just what the worrying is doing to me. I lift my hands toward my face, watching them shake profusely and I know that this isn't healthy, as Haley told me. But I also know that there's no way I can sleep without knowing if Peyton is safe, which means sleep is nowhere in the near future. I realize I haven't talked to Brooke In days, and it occurs to me that Brooke has made no attempt to contact me either, so I succeed in pushing her to the back of my mind for now.

Peyton is my top priority, and I'm so scared, she could be anywhere. For all I know she's out making some type of a drug deal, and I'm telling myself that when I find her I won't let her out of my sight next time, because I need her to get better. I need that girl back, and I still haven't found a reason why, or a reason that will let me understand why I care so much.

Haley walks in as I'm pulling a few slices of bread from a drawer, and I know that look she has on her face. She hasn't found anything and I release a sigh from the disappointing news.

"I don't know where she is," she plops herself down at my kitchen table, running her hands through her hair.

"I just want her to be okay," I admit and I watch a small grin form on Haley's face. "What're you smiling about?"

"Since when do you care so much?"

"Hales," I take a seat across from her, "you know Peyton has a problem with drugs right now, right?" she shakes her head, a look of surprise crossing her face.

"Didn't know that," she looks almost disappointed, and it crushes my heart, because I know that's exactly what Peyton doesn't want from her friends.

"She does, and that's why I'm so worried, I dumped her last vile. And she was throwing up this morning, and I'm scared that she's buying more when she cried this morning about feeling normal. I want that girl back, I miss her…"

"Lucas, even if she does have this problem, you haven't cared this much since when you two were sneaking around. What's suddenly piquing your interest here?" she had basically just rephrased the question Peyton asked me earlier and still I was no closer to an answer.

"I don't know. I told her the same thing this morning –"

"I think you do, I think somewhere you know why and I think I know why too. But I think you just won't admit it to yourself, and if it is why, it sucks, Lucas. You can't keep doing this to these girls –"

"Hey, I didn't say anything. You're putting words in my mouth, Haley," in my own defense, I haven't come to terms with my feelings for either of them, so I won't stand to have Haley tell me what I feel.

"I'm not putting words in your mouth if they're already in your heart, so quit being a jackass about the whole situation," she crosses her arms over her chest, the international Haley sign for back off or she's leaving.

"Look, I'm sorry. I just don't know where I stand right now, and even if you are right, I don't need that getting in the way right now, and Brooke means a lot to me too. So, just, please, let me do this on my own," she nodded, taking a breath as we fell into silence.

"Where do you think she is?" Haley's question makes me jump, I had been so absorbed in my own head I almost forgot she was there. "Luke, are you okay?"

"I'm fine…I just zoned out. I have no idea where she is, and while this is killing me I think I might need to let her come back to me on her own time," I met her stare sadly, and she gave me a lopsided, sympathetic smile. It was very Haley-like.

"I know it's gonna hurt, but maybe that's the best idea. What happened when she left? We never really talked about that…"

I recounted all of the events up from me arriving at midnight to her leaving. By the end of my story Haley looked so shocked that she had missed so much.

"I'm sorry I haven't told you any of this. I was going to call you this morning, I mean I was trying to get her out of the house to talk to you or something, but she left."

"Don't worry about it…God, I'm so sorry, Luke. I had no idea. I wish you hadn't gone through that alone, I wish she hadn't gone through so much before that alone. You need rest."

"I can't. I can't do that until I know she's okay," I saw the smile playing on Haley's lips again and I let my own smile tug on the corner of my mouth, shocking me because I hadn't been able to truly smile in days. Just goes to show what a best friend can do for you.

"I'm gonna stay with you then," she offered, but I continue to shake my head adamantly at her.

"You can't miss school, Hales. You love school –"

"Look, I know your Mr. Big Tough Man, and you can take off to take care of Peyton, but if you don't let someone take care of you, you're gonna be in that state too. If you sit alone with all those thoughts in that head of yours, you're going to have a nervous breakdown, so let me sit with you, keep your mind off things, please," she begged, flashing me the smile I have never been able to turn down.

"You have tutoring today-"

"Luke, they'll live. I'm your best friend, and I haven't been around much, so give me the chance to make it up to you when it matters, eh?" she slapped my hand playfully, but I grabbed her hand before she's able to pull it away.

"You know I love you, right?" she smiles at me, winking once.

"Of course, who doesn't?"

Alright, I know it's a little out of the depressing stage, but my God this story was hard to write. They were really dark, depressing chapters, plus this is growing hard on Lucas too, and he knows there's nothing he can do to help her unless she wants it. And he needs someone to lean on as much as Peyton does. I hope this chapter was alright though, I think the friendship between Haley and Lucas came across well, so review and tell me what you thought.