Drugs or Me
Author's Note: So, thanks for the reviews for the last chapter. I'm really trying to get the updates out faster. I hope you're all enjoying the story, and remember if you're reading to leave a review, they do help. No matter what you might think.
Chapter 6: Strong Enough
- 'If you could only see, the stranger next to me, you promise you promise that you're done, but I can't tell you from the drugs' –
Two hours is the most sleep I've gotten in quite a few days, and I have a feeling it's the most I'm gonna get when Peyton starts shivering next to me. I pull her close, making sure the blankets are tucked tightly around her, but nothing I do can calm her…it's what's going on inside and I realize that it's something I can't help.
"Peyt…" I don't mean to startle her, so I make sure to keep my voice low. She opens her eyes, and while I know the withdraw will set in soon, she seems relatively alright for now, a wave of relief washes over me with that notion.
"Hey," she rolls over in my arms, laying on her back but still able to see me from her position.
"How ya feeling?"
"Well, obviously the shaking is starting to set in…and I just really don't wanna lose this feeling," she seems so fragile as she's talking to me, but I think I'm finally starting to accept the fact that I'm not superman, there's nothing I can do to help her but be there for her when she needs me.
"I need you to know something…" she looks over at me, rolling over again and laying her head on my arm.
"Shoot."
"I guess it took me these last few days to figure out that there won't be anything I can do for you while you're upset and moody and don't wanna be around me. I can't help you the way I kept trying to…and I need you to know that I can't, I'm seventeen years old, the same as you, and I can't always deal with all of this, I'm weak too sometimes…"
"Luke, you don't have to be here-"
"Yes, I do. I care about you way too much to not be. And as much as I won't be able to help I need you to know that I'm gonna be here the whole time, even when you try to push me away or kick me out. And next time you leave I'm coming after you…you're not gonna be able to get rid of me that easily this time around. And maybe it's not up to me to save you, but I'm going to…if you won't admit you need the help then I'm going to be here anyway. I won't let you fall back down that whole, so be aware. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon," the smile that emerged on her face shocked the hell out of me, but it was a good shock.
"You mean more to me than any guy I've ever known, just so you know," I nodded at her sudden confession, but in all honesty it did make my heart jump to hear those words. I didn't know what I was feeling anymore, it was all such a mess. And I know my confusion will hurt Brooke, I have no doubts about that…and I don't know what I'm going to tell her when I finally figure my life out.
But I guess I've got a few days to do that.
It's four hours later and we're still laying in her bed trying to soak up the last day she can feel even slightly normal. We've spent a vast majority of those four hours in silence, but we did joke around, we did laugh and it was good to hear from her, I won't lie. Overall, I know she's the only girl besides Haley that I could do this with, that I could lay for four hours on a bed with without making out or sex or getting in an argument, and I know that's something that definitely sets her apart from any other girl, from Brooke.
"Hmm, wanna put the radio on?" she releases me from my thoughts, and I nod, grabbing the remote and I flick through a few stations to find something entertaining.
I caught of few seconds of rap songs, which Peyton wrinkled her nose at, making me laugh at her disdain towards the genre of music. The beginning of a guitar came through the speakers to which Peyton snatched the remote through my hand.
"What the hell is this?" I tease, making her whack me in the arm.
"It's Sheryl Crow, dude. This is a good song," she smirks, making her point.
It's when the lyrics pick up that I hear her voice against the music, she's happy if only for a few minutes, making me feel ten times better about the whole situation I know is ahead of us.
"God, I feel like hell tonight, tears of rage I cannot fight. I'd be the last to help you understand, are you strong enough to be my man?" she points to me with the last question, smiling, and upon getting up on her knees pulls the remote to her mouth to use as a faux microphone.
"Nothing's true and nothing's right, so let me be alone tonight. Cause you can't change the way I am, are you strong enough to be my man?" she continuously points at me with the last question, a smile always playing on her lips. Occasionally, I watch her body shake involuntarily, and I know that she'll be gone come nighttime but for now I'm ready to enjoy what she's willing to give.
"Lie to me, I promise I'll believe, lie to me, but please don't leave. I have a face I cannot show, make the rules up as I go, it's try and love me if you can, are you strong enough to be my man?" the song gets a bit faster at this point, and it's now that she jumps from the bed, trotting around the room, her voice gets louder with this part and I don't realize why until I hear what she's singing.
"When I've shown you that I just don't care, when I'm throwing punches in the air. When I'm broken down and I can't stand, will you be strong enough to be my man? Lie to me, I promise I'll believe, lie to me, but please don't leave," her smile fades as does the song…and I begin to wonder if she wants me to answer the question from the song.
"I'm strong enough," I smile at her, teeth and all, something people get very rarely from me…I've formed a reputation at being broody and I hold it up well.
"I know that…" she flops back on the bed next to me. "So, is this what we're doing all day, because when people lay in beds they either make out, sleep, or just aren't in it…and since we've already slept and made out," with that comment I feel my cheeks flush bright red "…why Mr. Macho Man Lucas…are you blushing?" she's poking fun, I know that, but it still makes me feel bad about Brooke I guess. Even with that knowledge I refuse to break her good mood.
"I dunno, what would you like to do all day?"
"Well, I guess it's pretty noticeable to both of us that I'm not gonna feel like this tonight so should we do something with this wonderful mood I'm still in?"
"Well, I can see you're in a good mood but after that singing my mood was shot to hell," I quickly stick my tongue out at her and before I know a pillow is coming at my face, full force…and I've gotta hand it to her, she has a strong hit.
"Alright, this works too," I take the pillow from my side of the bed, hitting her back, but without a second's notice another pillow is in my face, knocking me off balance and throwing me to the floor.
"Luke!" she squeals looking over the bed where I'm laying on the floor, feeling very taken advantage of.
"You did not just do that," immediately I'm up off the floor, spearing her to the other side of her bed, landing on top of her in the most awkward position known to man for two friends who just made out while one is going out with the others best friend.
"Um…so…" she stutters, trying to find something to say to me because I still haven't moved. I'm still hovering over her, unable to make myself go somewhere else.
"So…" my breathing is shallow, and I don't know what else to do but let my head drop towards hers, and I know how wrong it is again, but it's all I seem to want to do when I see her smile. I'm less than a centimeter away when she whispers something.
"Luke, we can't do this again," and I nod, I know she's right, there's no doubts there…but I can't help myself.
"I can't stop it," my voice is soft again, and she nods, letting her eyes close as her arms snake around my neck pulling me down faster to her. It's just as we're both anticipating what's coming that the front door opens and Brooke's voice is ringing through the house, her footsteps pounding up the stairs.
"Oh my God," she half whispers/half screams, quickly using her right hand to thrust into my chest, pushing me away with an unbelievable amount of strength for how small she is. I quickly hit the floor from her shove, watching as she dove under the covers and closed her eyes, and I mimicked her actions on the floor as Peyton kicked down an extra comforter and pillow.
"Hey, lazy asses, time to say goodbye to Brooke!" she shouted, making her presence known to probably the whole neighborhood. It then struck me that she was leaving, she was headed off to some big fashion show that her parents got her tickets for…and I had forgotten all about it until now.
Brooke entered Peyton's room, I could hear her feet, and she giggled at us… me respectably on the floor, or so it seemed. And Peyton sleeping soundly in her bed, it suddenly seemed clear how deceiving appearances really were.
"Okay, Broody and Goldilocks, time to get the hell outta bed and say goodbye to me! I'm leaving today, you two, you should be crying and depressed," she giggled again, sitting on the edge of Peyton's bed. I heard Peyton roll over, the bed creaking beside me, and I knew it was safe to let my eyes open. I look up to see the girls talking quietly, Brooke looking so happy with the way her life's going, if only she knew.
"Hey, I'm sorry we weren't up," I stand, letting her hug me, unable to make eye contact with Peyton who I knew was staring. We had really screwed things up again, and I knew this was no time for Peyton to be getting involved with anyone, she needed to fix herself first, not to mention I was with her best friend – timing just never worked for the two of us.
"Eh, don't worry. P. Sawyer needs her sleep," she winked at the girl in front of us, launching herself into Peyton's arms only seconds later.
"I'll miss ya, B. Davis," Peyton was amazing at making this fake life around her, this fake smile that seemed totally real to everyone but me.
"You too…but I'm being nice and leaving you with my wonderful boyfriend, I'm sure he'll take pretty good care of you. So, you be nice, Luke," she looks up at me, her eyes gleaming, making my heart skip a beat, I'm such an asshole.
"Scouts honor," I joke, holding up my hand as Brooke laughs, hugging me again and pulling me out into the hallway. Immediately she kisses me, catching me just slightly off guard I kiss her back, but I know that my heart isn't in it the way she wants it to be.
"I'll see you in a week. I love you, Luke," she smiles, but it's just not the same anymore.
"You too, call me."
I'm not sure if she notices I didn't say the words back to her, I'd always been so free with them before…but now it felt like a lie, and now I couldn't make myself say them to the girl in front of me.
"Will do, please help her, Lucas."
"I've got it all under control, we'll be fine."
She nods her head, taking off down the stairs and back out the front door. My heart aches, and as I enter Peyton's room she's in tears again, her head buried in her hands. I knew it was affecting her, but now I finally see how much she's hurt by what we did, what we're doing – at this point neither of us know where we stand with anything.
"Hey…you okay?" she looks up at me, the sadness is so apparent that it hurts me to look at her right now.
"No…Luke, what're we doing? We can't do this to her again…she's so happy."
"We'll just make it a one time thing, and what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I don't want to see her that hurt again, either. And I know it's a really shitty thing not to tell her, but if she doesn't know, then we're all better off," I take my seat on the floor, she moves down next to me as I run my hands through my hair, why did I have to make things so stressful?
"Why are we never just friends?" and there it was.
"We've never been just friends…and I honestly don't know if we'll ever be able to be just friends…"
"But why is it so damn hard for us? No one else has a problem being friends with their best friend's boyfriend…what's wrong here? We're fucking everything up again, and we were just about to do it again. Maybe you should leave, maybe that would make it easier," I shake my head at her adamantly.
"I told you I'm not leaving. God damn it, Peyton! Have a little bit of faith in me, and stop pushing me away," I rose my voice, and I knew the moment I did it that it wasn't the right move.
"I'm sorry, Luke, I'm so sorry," she cried, "I just can't go through all of this again with Brooke and you, plus this whole drug thing on top of it, it's too much."
"Okay, let's just take it one step at a time. We won't worry about the Brooke thing, let's just concentrate on you getting better for now and then once we conquer that, we'll figure the rest out…" she nodded, but she continued crying, letting some of that pent up emotion out in front of me, "C'mere."
I pulled her to me again, holding her against my chest on the floor against the bed. We were going to take things one step at a time, and while it was such a calming thought I couldn't get the big picture out of my head…and I didn't know how I was going to survive a week without Brooke, because when she was around it reminded me that everything I was beginning to want again was off limits. And without her I was never good at avoiding the temptation, but for now her heart beat against my own lulled us both to sleep for a few more hours where we could escape the world outside.