AN: Thank you for all the support! It is very deeply appreciated!
Did the afterlife feel like being trampled by a herd of centaurs? If so, it wasn't meeting Severus' expectations. He had always thought death was sweet oblivion, a place free of any pain or sorrow. Yet, his head throbbed harder than it ever had.
Perhaps he was in hell. There was pain in hell, at least according to Dante. Given everything he'd done, he deserved to rot for an eternity. If this was hell though, where was Satan? Was he still gathering the welcoming party? What tortures awaited him?
Beside him, Crookshanks let out a weak mew. Severus frowned before examining the cat. If he was in hell, God was a complete and total bastard. He may deserve hell, but even a cat as obnoxious as Crookshanks deserved to be in heaven rubbing up against the angels and swatting at the birds who flew too close to him. Only a vicious god would damn an animal to hell.
Severus groaned as he sat upright. Nothing seemed to be broken, not surprising if he was dead. He examined Crookshanks. Nothing appeared to be wrong with him. At least they would spend a few minutes free of eternal torment.
The door was cracked open, allowing a ray of sunshine to poke through. Severus glanced at Crookshanks, who in turn stretched. "Shall we?"
Crookshanks stepped towards the door and touched it with his paw. Severus opened the door the rest of the way.
Within seconds, he felt his stomach churn.
All around him were bright, gaudy, small, dilapidated buildings which appeared to be built for people of approximately three feet in height. Daisies as large as his face dotted the gardens, along with dandelions. A few lollipops sprung from the ground, accompanied by candy canes and apple trees.
What hurt his eyes the most were the colors. Hogwarts was bathed in candlelight, but this world was more technicolored than a hallucinogenic potions trip. Every bright, clashing color was present. It was enough to exacerbate his headache.
Then he noticed the yellow brick road. He suppressed a groan. This was no hallucinogenic potions trip, at least none that he'd taken. He'd seen this place before, sometime long ago, back when he was a child flipping channels, desperate for something to keep his mind off his parents' latest screaming match. This couldn't be, no, it just couldn't be…
"Hello."
Severus choked back his laughter. Minerva McGonagall stood before him in a poofy powdered pink gown with wings sticking out. Her golden crown was dotted with ruby jewels; a Gryffindor to the end.
Crookshanks looked up at Severus, as if awaiting a clue for what to do next.
"Crookshanks, I have a feeling we aren't in Hogwarts anymore," he replied in a low voice. "Or Kansas for that matter."
Crookshanks meowed in agreement.
"Who are you?" Minerva asked.
"Oh come off of it. You know who I am," Severus snapped.
"I fear I don't," she replied in an innocent voice. "Or else I wouldn't have asked your name."
"No, you know my name." He jumped out of the shack. "I know you know my name because you are an illusion caused by me bumping my head too hard on the way down from that tornado, or perhaps you're the devil preparing to torture me with this saccharine world. It would be just my fate to spend all of eternity stuck in some asinine muggle movie."
"Muggle?" She pulled out a silver wand with a star on top. "What's a muggle?"
"What do you mean you don't know what a muggle is? You know very well what one is."
"No, I fear I don't," her voice was sweet, but her eyes took on the familiar 'no-nonsense' quality he'd come to know and expect.
"Fine, a muggle is someone with no magic."
"Like a munchkin?"
Severus smacked his hand against his head. "Sure, let's go with that."
"Well, you must not be a muggle given that you were able to defeat the Wicked Witch of the East."
"The Wicked Witch of the East?" He scowled. "Tell me, who would that be?"
"She was an awful witch name Bellatrix."
"Bellatrix?" Severus glanced down at the shack. Underneath were a pair of silver boots attached to legs he recognized as Bellatrix.
"Of course, my first act in Oz is to kill someone," he grumbled. "At least it was Bellatrix and not Albus."
"Who's Albus? The Minerva-like being asked.
"Nobody you would care about." He shook his head. "Let me guess, Bellatrix was a crazy, fanatical follower of a dark wizard who I must now defeat."
"No, the wizard is a very good being," she answered. "He did everything he could to defeat Bellatrix. Alas, there was only so much he could do."
"Right," Severus nodded. "I remember this part of the movie. You're Glinda, the Good Witch of the South."
"No, I'm Minerva, the Good Witch of the North."
"Excuse me, Minerva," he answered. At least the names remained the same.
"So tell me," she pointed her wand at him. "Are you a good wizard, or a bad wizard?"
"I'm a wizard who would like out of this technicolor nightmare."
"In other words, a grumpy wizard."
"Yes, that is an accurate characterization."
"Well, you don't seem to be too dangerous. A little grouchy, but I'm sure that can be fixed."
"Let me guess, you'll wave your wand and instantly I'll smile," he sneered.
"No, I have a better idea." Minerva spread her arms and danced to the center of the town square. She began to sing, "come out, come out, wherever you are."
A few small beings emerged from behind the plants and the houses. Music began to swell.
"Once there was a wicked witch in the lovely land of Oz. And a wickeder, wickeder, wickeder witch there never, never was."
"No!"
Everyone stopped dead in their tracks. The music died.
"I refuse to be a part of a musical." Severus snapped. "If you want to exposit facts I already saw in the movie, you may do so in spoken word, not via song."
"What's wrong with a song?" A munchkin who appeared to be a smaller version of Colin Creevy asked.
"Singing is inane and obnoxious."
"But it makes everyone feel better. You should try singing with us!"
The other munchkins agreed. Severus suppressed a groan. The last thing he needed was the entire Gryffindor house in small form.
"I cannot sing," he answered.
"Anyone can sing," another munchkin who looked like Padma Patil began.
"Trust me, my voice is more suited to a musical about a murderous barber than it is for a production such as this."
"Fine, you don't have to sing," a munchkin who appeared to be Luna began. "But you cannot stop us from doing so."
"Unless he's a wicked wizard too!" A munchkin who appeared to be Terry Boot exclaimed.
"No, he's not an evil wizard," the Luna munchkin approached him. "Just a lost wizard."
"Yes, I am lost, and I would like to go home," he demanded.
"Fine, but you shouldn't be so angry about it," Luna munchkin replied. "We won't force you to sing, but we have been practicing this song in secret for quite some time, so you will have to sit back and allow us to perform it."
Before Severus could answer, the munchkins broke out into a rousing rendition of Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. It took everything in him not to scream as their squeaky voices assaulted his eardrums.
It was official. He was dead and was going to spend the rest of eternity reenacting a movie he absolutely hated! It was a worse fate than anything Voldemort could've possibly dreamed up.
In the middle of the song, Luna revealed herself to be mayor. The coroner, who appeared to be Angelina Johnson, declared the wicked witch dead. As much as he hated the musical number, there was some relief that Bellatrix could no longer torture anyone. She'd caused enough trouble in his universe. It was gratifying to see her die twice.
As the song wound down, Severus couldn't help but think he was missing something. At some point he'd need to go down the yellow brick road, but there was something which occurred before he left. What was it?
Boom!
A cackling filled the air as orange smoked billowed in the town square. The munchkins screamed and hid behind the flowers, candy, and diminutive houses. It was then that Severus remembered what came next. He braced himself for the newcomer, yet nothing could quite prepare him for her appearance.
A green faced Molly Weasley, dressed in a black dress and a black pointed hat scoured the town square. She turned around until she saw Bellatrix's legs.
"Who killed the Witch of the East?" Molly glared at him. "Was it you?"
"It would appear so," Severus deadpanned.
"You," Molly strolled over and pointed at his chest. "You ruined everything!"
"What exactly have I ruined?" He asked in a bored tone. "Was she your sister who was going to bring the potato salad to your family reunion?"
"No! My potato salad is far superior to hers!"
"Did you need her alive for some other reason?"
"No! I wanted her dead!" She shrieked.
Severus stepped back. This Molly was just as loud as the one in his world.
"I wanted to kill that bitch, but you denied me the chance!" Molly yelled.
"You wanted her dead?" Severus asked.
"Yes!" Molly's eyes were aflame. "I had so many plans. It was all coming together. I was so close to getting everything I wanted, but then you had to go and ruin everything!"
"How could I have ruined anything? You wanted her dead, and now she's dead. Shouldn't you be thanking me for doing your dirty work for you?"
"Not if it means you get what I want!"
"Get what you want?" Realization dawned on Severus. Oh dear God tell him he wasn't in women's boots.
"Her shoes! I want her shoes!"
"Take them," he argued. "It's doubtful they'll fit me anyway."
"Don't be so sure," Minerva pointed her wand to Severus' feet.
He let out a groan. Instead of his black boots, they were replaced with silver ones. At least they were comfortable.
"Give them to me!" She demanded.
"I may consider if you say 'pretty please,'" Severus smirked.
"No!"
"Then my answer is no."
"No! You can't do that to me. I-I'll kill you too."
"You'll do no such thing." He reached for his wand. "You'll," he felt in his pocket. It was gone. His wand was gone. Of course it was. He'd left it on the counter when he took Crookshanks to return him to Hermione. He was as good as a muggle in this insane asylum.
"Don't give her those shoes," Minerva whispered in his ear. "They must be very powerful if she wants them."
"Obviously they're more powerful than my missing wand," he muttered.
Molly approached him. "Give me those shoes!"
"Be gone," Minerva pointed her wand at Molly. "You have no power here. Be gone! Before somebody drops a house on you too."
Crookshanks hissed at Molly and stuck out his claws at her.
"Good kitty," Severus purred.
"Very well," the Milly which glowered at him. "I'll get you my gitty, and your little cat too!"
"It doesn't have quite the same effect as 'I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too,'" Severus noted.
"You, pretty!" Molly cackled. "You only wish you were, you old, greasy git."
With that, Molly disappeared into a ball of flames.
Severus shook his head. He was going to need ten headache curing potions after dealing with this Molly witch.
"Are you okay?" The Luna munchkin asked.
"I am fine." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I just want to go home."
"Sadly, I can't take you there."
"I know." He looked up. "I have to follow the yellow brick road to Emerald City to see the wizard. Then I have to do a few other things before I can return to my own house."
"Wow, you are a powerful wizard if you know everything," the Dean Thomas munchkin answered.
"How do you know all of this?" The Katie Bell munchkin asked.
"Let's just say this isn't the first time I've been acquainted with this kind of journey," Severus answered.
"You've visited Oz before?" Seamus munchkin asked.
"No, but I know someone who's been here."
"Who?" The Alicia Spinnet munchkin asked.
"A woman named Dorothy."
"Who's she?" Luna asked.
"Nobody you should concern yourselves with," Severus answered.
"Well, whoever she is doesn't matter. Follow the yellow brick road, and you'll soon be home," Luna munchkin explained.
"Follow the yellow brick road," the munchkins began as the music swelled.
"If you could please," Severus raised his hand. "If I have to deal with the Wicked Witch of the West shrieking every time I so much as look in her direction, I'll need as few musical numbers as possible. I would like to spend a few minutes headache free if you don't mind."
The other munchkins looked at Luna.
"It's okay," she answered. "He just needs to go home. He'll feel better once he's there with the people who love him."
"Indeed," Luna's words were a knife to his heart. If he was honest, he was in quite the dilemma. He could either stay in the land of squeaky voices or return to a place where Hermione and Ron would soon be living in wedded bliss. Suddenly Oz didn't seem like such a terrible place.
"You should really get going before we begin the next musical number," Luna replied.
"Indeed," he looked down at Crookshanks. "Are you coming with me?"
The half kneazle stood beside him and rubbed his leg. Severus relaxed. "I suppose every Dorothy needs a Toto."
He began walking down the yellow brick road in blissful silence, Crookshanks close behind. If he remembered the movie right, he would be able to face the challenges with ease, provided he soldier ahead and not pick up any dunderheaded companions.