Drugs or Me

Author's Note: Wow, thanks so much for the reviews, I'm glad you guys liked the last chapter as much as I did. I don't know how great this one will be compared to the other, but hopefully you like it.

Chapter 9: No Way to Reach Me

- '(Take me) If only you could see (I need your help), (So far away) The stranger next to me (To pull me up take the wheel)' –

Christmas is only three days away, the unusually warm weather we were having was suddenly transformed into winter. The radio has been on very low, informing me that it's only thirty degrees outside, I can't really feel it, not with how tightly she's wrapped inside my arms. I know she's awake, I can tell from the way her heart is pounding in her chest. She's scared of what's forming between us again…to be honest so am I.

I'm amazed at where we are right now, it's somewhere I could've never foreseen a year ago. Back when she wanted nothing to do with me and I wanted everything to do with her. Here we are now though, the same people, both stuck mid-way from where we were. She's the girl who's trying not to want anything to do with me, and I'm the boy who's trying not to want everything with her, I'm still dating her best friend. And I can't be sure how she feels after the last few weeks, but I'm still trying to respect the fact that she felt something very powerful for Jake, something more than what she felt for me…or so I've heard. And I have to remind myself that her heart may still be with him, that she may never let me back in. I'm not even supposed to want back in…but I do.

And I'm mentally kicking myself for being so damn unable to pick one of these girls. I glance over to her bureau, to see a picture of the five of us at one of the beach parties over the summer or early fall. I see myself standing next to Brooke and Peyton, and I know that it was never me being unable to pick. It was me being impatient and a sixteen year old boy who was unsure he would be able to handle all of the issues that she came with. And it was so ridiculously wrong of me, now that I look at it in hindsight. And laying with her now I know I can handle those issues, I want to…I need to. And I'm still not supposed to, I'm still tied down.

I see that she's also looking at the picture, I feel her heart speed up even more in her chest. Finally it's becoming painfully obvious there's a picture sitting in the frame behind her portrait of us. I really don't want to pry, but I'm curious, I want to know what she's trying so desperately to keep hidden.

"Go see," she says quietly, referring to the picture frame I'd been staring at.

I stand, slowly making my way to her bureau, I don't know what's going to be there. Taking the back from the frame takes longer than I want, but eventually I do pry it off, pulling the second picture out. I feel my heart jump through my chest, it proved everything I'd been thinking about: both of our feelings for the two other people in our lives, that those feelings were temporary. I stood next to Peyton in the captured moment, we were obviously talking but it seemed more like we were off in our own world in that second. Brooke was on the other side of me, sending us both a malicious look, Jake stood on the other side of Peyton watching her as though she was the bane of his existence. But the feeling didn't seem returned, the feeling he had for her was definitely in her eyes…while she was looking at me. And seeing it now, captured in time, all my feelings for her were there too.

Were we all living in another world?

Had everyone been so oblivious to what seemed so obvious in the picture? Were we all blind?

"When was this?" I don't turn to look at her yet, I can't. It would hurt too much to see her so lifeless, but so okay in this picture, so full of life at one time.

"Two weeks before Jake left," she tells me, her voice sounding much stronger than it has. It strikes my memory, I remember the day well. Brooke and I had gotten into a huge fight that night over my lack of attention to her during the day. The picture was proof of my wrong doing.

"Why'd you hide it?"

"For a while…I couldn't bear to look at either of you," I'm surprised to hear such an honest confession from her, it's possible we're making even just the smallest amount of progress.

"What do you want?" I sit next to her still in my boxers.

"To feel okay, to be happy again," she admits, "I need to feel okay," she pleads with me. But there's nothing I can do to give her what she wants to feel. It's such an abstract need, something she has to do for herself.

"You will."

"You don't know that."

"No…maybe I don't. But you're strong, and you're so brave, it amazes me. Every day."

"I'm not," she breaks, "Look at you, you've been here taking care of me, because I couldn't take care of myself. All I've done is cry and scream, and lose my self-control, I've been acting like a baby. Jake couldn't even take care of me, he had to call you. I'm weak, Luke."

"What are you talking about, huh?" I lift her chin until her eyes meet my own. "I don't know anybody else who could get through this. Your strength always surprises me, you've never ceased to amaze me, remember that," I wink at her quickly, it's nice to see her try to smile for me.

We're both quiet again, she moves to position herself against the headboard, she motions for me to mimic her actions. Her head turns so she can look at me clearly.

"We need to talk…" the seriousness scares me a little, but I already know what this is about.

"Jake," we say at the same time, making her crack a smile at me.

She takes a deep breath, "I loved him, Lucas. Very much, contrary to what you might think or what that picture says or the fact that I took drugs even when I was with him. He meant everything to me for those few months, and I thought when he got back I would stop with the cocaine, that I would be okay as soon as he got back. That we would just kinda pick up where we left off," I watch her fidget with her hands, they're trembling, I see just how hard it is for her to go into everything with Jake.

"Even after these few weeks…you and me…I just thought when he came back yesterday that I would be able to just let you leave and he would take care of me and I would just get better. Obviously, that's not really how things worked out. When he walked into my room yesterday, nothing felt right, watching you leave yesterday didn't feel right. Don't get the wrong impression about you and me, just things with Jake aren't right, and I don't like it when you're not here sometimes. I've gotten used to you again…after everything from before with us, we're a lot better now than we've ever been. And I don't want to lose it, not after everything you've done for me. So, just stay with me…for the rest of this, and we'll figure it out from there."

I nod my head to her, signaling that I would go along with her plan, but I have one question that I need to ask, that I need to know the answer to.

"You and Jake…were you more than…"

"More than you and me?" she questions, watching me nod again.

"What we had was more than what we had…but not more than we have now. I just can't even believe where we're at now, it's definitely not what I expected a few months ago. But then there's always been something between us, I guess you can see that in the picture. It's always gonna be there," she smiles. And it makes me feel a little better, I see she's in better spirits today too, even after last night's scene. "But don't get the wrong idea, Lucas, please," her whole tone changes and I'm not sure what to make of it, I grab her shaking hand, holding it to me.

"About what?"

"Everything with us. You're still with Brooke, we both know that. And things with Jake and I are still up in the air…we can't go jumping to conclusions, hurting people left and right. Just right now…I need you here, so just be with me the way you've been, be here for me until it's over and then we'll work on everything with the four of us. Just please don't leave…"

"I'm not. I won't. I keep telling you I won't, but I left when Jake stepped in…I'm not doing that this time –"

"You're gonna have to later, I need to talk to him still, I need to let him know he should concentrate on things with Jenny and Nikki, that you're here to take care of me for now. I need to let him go gently, he's still part of me, Luke," her eyes meet mine, telling me everything's she's saying is sincere. "I loved him, I can't just toss him aside. Just give me a little time later today when I feel up to it."

"Whatever you want."

I'm sitting on my bed, I can feel my eyes closing slowly, but I continue to move around not allowing myself sleep. I left Peyton's an hour ago, she said she wanted to talk to Jake first and she'd call me when he left. I figure the best way to stay awake is to have a talk with my Mom now, it's been a while, I feel like I've kind of neglected her.

"Hey," she's sitting at the kitchen table, drinking something while reading a magazine that's situated on the table in front of her. I have a feeling she's not really concentrating on it, that she's only using it as some type of distraction.

"Lucas…it's been a while," she won't look up at me, she won't even really acknowledge my presence across from her.

"Can we talk?"

"I don't know, can we? I haven't seen you in a week to even say two words to you…and I know it has something to do with Peyton, I get that it's serious. You're a responsible kid, I trust you, and I know you wouldn't do what you're doing if it wasn't something serious, but is it really that much to call me? To let me know you're alive or what's going on that it's taking you away from school or working or anything else a responsible teenager should be doing?"

Her speech only manages to bring me down, make me feel worse about how rash my actions have been lately. I knew from the first night that I should've said something, that I should of told her about everything that was going on around me.

"Look…I really don't know how to explain the last week Mom. And to tell you the truth…I guess part of me didn't want to say anything to you because I didn't want you to see Peyton differently, to look at her like she was someone different. She's made some mistakes, she knows that and I'm trying to help her get past them."

"What kind of mistakes, Lucas?"

She looks stern, but full of sympathy for how tired I am, for all that I'm trying to deal with. And I'm scared to see her reaction to what I'm about to tell her, the information about this girl who's helped her run her night club…I don't want to see the shattered look that will cross her face at the choices Peyton's made.

"She…back when she was with Jake, she started using cocaine, Mom," I quickly avert my eyes down the wood that is our table. I can't bear to see how let down she'll look.

"Wow," she slowly heaves a sigh then speaks again, "Look at me."

I raise my lost, tired eyes toward my Mom, the woman who took care of me and raised me to be the man who is able to stand by Peyton when she needs me. I want to do nothing more than thank her in this moment for making me who I am.

"Lucas, I don't think of her differently…I can't. I know what that girl's been through, what she's dealing with, and while I'm disappointed that she made that choice it could never make me see her any differently. She's seventeen, she made a mistake…and I know that it probably doesn't get me the Mother of the Year Award for telling you this…but I'm glad you're there for her. God knows she needs someone right now, and I can see it in your eyes, how much this is taking from you, but I'm glad that I raised you to be the man you are, being there for her. Can I ask you something?"

I already know what it is…I've known.

"Why you? Why didn't you send Nathan or Haley or even Brooke, she is her best friend. Why did you go?"

"Jake asked me to check on her, and he's a friend of mine, so is she…I couldn't leave her" I tell her as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Is she really just a friend? Is that why you went darting out of here at two in the morning when your phone went off?"

"You heard that?"

"I heard the phone, I heard you run through the house trying to find your keys and I heard you mumbling Peyton as you nearly tripped out the door. I'm a mother, Lucas, I hear it all," she gives me a small smile like she's the all knowing god.

"She's just a friend who needed my help, Mom."

Though I'm not totally sure who I'm trying to convince of this more.

"Right…and would you have sprinted out of here the way you did if that girl Anna had needed you at two AM?"

"Of course."

"Lucas, can I give you a little advice that might help you breathe a little easier?"

"Sure," I do want to hear what she's going to say, I'm hoping it'll help me get out of all of this in one piece.

"I've seen the way you look at that girl, the way you try to hide your smile when she enters Tric every night, or the way your eyes light up when you talk about her. And maybe you love Brooke, I'm not saying anything bad about her, she's a great girl, but you can't control who your heart wants. Just stop lying to yourself for once and maybe things will work themselves out," she winks at me, patting my hand before she stands and walks away with a smile gracing her features.

I'd love to say parents don't know everything…they probably don't. But this time, maybe my mom is right, but for now I'm gonna have to hold onto the lies and hope that advice will still hold true when we're all past this.