Drugs or Me

Author's Note: Sorry about the delay. I've been working on the one-shot I just posted and summer just started so I was out enjoying my summer. Anyway, hope you like this one.

Chapter 12: There's No Script to Make You Live Enough

- '(Take me) I wish that you could see (I need your help), -

I return to her around three in the morning with my nose severely bandaged. She's tossing and turning on her bed, but she's still asleep. I can't get the previous night out of my head, the way she felt against me; it was something I'd often thought about but was pretty sure it would never happen for us. I know she didn't feel the way I did about it – to be honest, that does hurt just a little. I'm not gonna lie about that. Seeing the empty look in her eyes when she lay beneath me overwhelmed me with guilt. Guilt for doing this to Brooke, guilt for doing this to Jake who was a good friend of mine, guilt for doing this to us because that wasn't how I wanted it to happen for us.

Avoiding all of the creaky boards in her wooden floor, I make my way to her bed. I know she can feel me as I slide in next to her, keeping her tight against me. I can feel her shaking still, her teeth are chattering now. It's been about two weeks, I just want this to be over with, I want Peyton back, the girl I fell in love with and never really got my own heart back from.

"I didn't, Luke," she whispers against my shoulder without moving away from me.

"I know…I can tell…"

"I wanted to," a hot tear hits my skin as I feel her hands wrap around my neck as best as she can.

"It's okay, that's normal. What matters is that you didn't."

"Is your nose okay?" she asks me softly, genuinely concerned for my condition.

"It will be…"

"I'm so sorry, Luke. I really am, this whole thing with Jake is my fault, it's all over me –"

"This was not your fault, it wasn't. This is a guy who loved you very much hurting because you had to let him go. You had to do this, and it was a normal reaction. You didn't do anything to cause this, don't you ever think that," I know how it feels to lose her, to watch her walk away when your heart pleads with you to go get her back. I know that I would've felt the same way as Jake; it was just a reaction that I hadn't really expected from him; the guy who had once asked me to take the high road.

"What does this mean for us?"

Shit. Its one question I really can't answer.

"I really don't know. You let Jake go –"

"I didn't love him, Luke; I couldn't keep doing that to him. I loved him so much once, but that time has passed, he asked me to move on. But it's finally making sense now…"

"What is?"

"I never really moved on from you, I think he knew that, he just didn't want to admit it. He asked me to move on, but that was impossible, my heart has been with you all along…"

It's what I've wanted to hear for over a year now. Those words make my heart soar and jump into my throat all at the same time. Just because she let Jake go didn't mean Brooke was gone from our lives, she never would be.

And she was never going to give us her blessing.

It's Christmas Eve, she's looking a lot better, but I can see she's still hurting, inside and out. We still haven't found a solution for our problem, so for now, we're just living in the present. She knows what this is going to do to Brooke just as well as I do. We can tell her we didn't mean to hurt her until our faces turn blue, she'll never believe it, nor will she accept it.

"So, we're just stopping at the café for a little while, right?"

"Yeah…you sure you're up for this? We don't have to go, me and you can spend Christmas Eve here –"

"We will not. Luke, this is your family and this is a tradition. It doesn't matter how good I'm feeling today, today is about you."

"Okay, alright," I lift my hands in surrender, "just promise you'll tell me if you're not feeling good tonight, I know it's been a good day, but I don't wanna make you uncomfortable."

"It has been a good day, and maybe tonight won't be perfect for me…I mean the nights never really are, but we'll make it work."

I stand behind her, looking at how much better she's starting to look. My hands snake around her waist, keeping her back against my chest. She lays her cold hands against mine, almost like a silent thank you for the last few weeks.

She's not perfect; she still shakes at night and sweats. She still can't sleep well, and throws up occasionally, but we're making it there, step-by-step. And at the rate we're going I'm thinking she'll be okay by at least New Year's. And from there we'll figure out what to do about our thing with Brooke.

"So, you ready?"

"Yeah, let's give this a try…" she takes my hand, letting me follow her out of the house. I can't say we don't act like a couple, as far as all of our actions. There's been flirtation and a lot of touching but nothing has come even close to what we did a few nights ago. It was the ultimate betrayal to Brooke, I know this. It's worse than the last time. I haven't kissed Peyton since that night; my stomach churns when I think of Brooke walking in and seeing us. My lips against hers make me feel horrible and perfect at the same time. It's the weirdest feeling, and I can't help but enjoy it.

They all look a little bit surprised to see Peyton there, her hand in mine. But they quickly recover, welcoming her with open arms; I can tell they're all happy to see her.

She leaves me to hug Haley and Nathan, and I can't help but smile at how normal this feels. It's like her drug problem is gone for the night, it's like Brooke and Jake are gone for the night. It's just us, and it feels good.

"Lucas, she looks good," my mom and Keith walk up; he gives me a pat on the back.

"She is good. She's getting better, slowly but she's getting there," we all watch her move around the small crowd occupying my Mom's café.

"What was the hand holding earlier?" I knew Keith was going to pry, I didn't expect him to be so blunt about it though.

"Nothing, she just grabbed my hand. It was nothing, Keith," he smirks at me, I'm pretty sure he knows better. My mom just shakes her head, she knows how this played out last time, all three of us ended up with a broken heart.

"Please, don't get hurt, and don't hurt her, Lucas. She really can't afford that this time around, it'll send her back down."

"I'm not, Mom. We're going to figure things out with Brooke when she gets back –"

"What are we figuring out, boyfriend?" she giggles, and my whole body freezes. "I thought I'd surprise you, come in early so we could spend Christmas together," she kisses my cheek and hugs my mom and Keith.

I can see Peyton frozen across the room with Haley and Nathan. They both look like they know what's about to erupt, but they don't really even know the half of what's happened between the two of us. I can't take my eyes away from the blonde across the room; she looks tense as she begins to shiver. Her face flushes quickly. I know the stress isn't good for what she's trying so desperately to escape.

"Mom…" she's watching the same thing, nodding to me that she'll tell Brooke where I went.

I move through the crowd with expertise, sweeping her off her feet. She's sweating and she doesn't look good at all, she doesn't look anything like the girl I was just with fifteen minutes before.

"You can't do this, Lucas, go back to Brooke," she tries to order me around, but she's in the passenger seat next to me before she has any time to protest.

"Peyton, you're burning up. I'm not leaving you; I told you I was gonna take care of you."

"Your girlfriend is inside, Lucas, it doesn't matter what you told me."

"It will always matter, you mean more to me, will you ever understand that? We're going to tell Brooke when this whole thing calms down, just trust me for now."

She nods her head through her shaking; I can tell she's running out of energy to try to bring me down. She throws up before we can make it inside, so I carry her up her steps into the cold shower to cool her down, once more soaking myself in the cold water. Her face returns to its normal color and her shaking becomes a little bit less violent.

She fixes the water temperature as I sit down under the warmer water. Without a second thought she tucks herself against me in a hug, sort of straddling me at the same time. My hand rubs circles around on her back, as her breathing slows down.

My cell phone is obnoxiously ringing from the sink, I'm just able to reach it and answer it, knowing exactly who it is.

"Boyfriend, how's she doing?"

"She's alright, she'll be okay. It just hit her again, but I've got her."

"Good, can I talk to her?"

I hand the phone to her, she lays her head on my shoulder under the water, being careful not to get the phone wet.

"Hey, Brooke," her voice sounds hoarse from earlier.

She puts Brooke on speaker phone to further keep the phone from the water; it also allows me to hear their conversation.

"Hey, P. Sawyer, how you feeling?"

"Better. I'll be okay, I'm sorry I had to leave the party."

"Don't worry about it, I'll come by and visit a little bit later. Is he taking care of you right?"

"Yeah, he's doing a good job, Brooke. Everything's going good. Call me before you come."

"Definitely, it'll probably be like an hour, but I'll give ya a call. Feel better, and tell Luke I said I'd beat his ass if he wasn't doing a good job with you," she laughs a little; it makes me feel a little bit better about the whole situation.

"See ya, Brooke." She throws the phone out of the bath tub before swiftly turning to me, smashing her lips against mine. Her tongue invades my mouth within seconds, catching me completely off guard.

I pull away breathless.

"Peyton…"

"We've got an hour; I need you to do this for me…"

"We can't keep doing this; this isn't what I want for us. It's not right to be screwing around like this because it hurts and this takes the pain away for a little while."

"I'm not hurting, Luke. I know what it's gonna be like when Brooke gets here, you're still her faithful boyfriend and I'm still the tag along who can't get past her drug addiction. But right now, you're my guy, and right now it's you and me. And right now, I want this…"

She's practically in tears pulling my shirt up over my head; this whole thing is hurting her a lot worse than I thought it was. This whole thing with Brooke takes a bigger toll on her than any of us I think. But I won't let her self-destruct and I won't let her lose herself in sex.

"Peyton, c'mere," I pull her into me, getting us both out of the tub and into clean clothes. I pull her back down to the bed with me, letting her cry against me for the millionth time in the past few weeks. I know I made the right decision this time, when the time is right we'll get to that, and it'll be the way we both wanted it to be between us.

I don't think there's too much left to this story, a few more chapters. Anyway, I know it wasn't my best work, but it was needed in the plot. Review for me!