Gomenasai
Disclaimer: I do not own DN Angel or anything associated with it. If I did, it would be different coupling, I assure you.
Warnings: Yaoi (malexmale relationships), very mild swearing and depressing thoughts
+What I thought wasn't mine
In the light
Was one of a kind,
A precious pearl+
I knew from the moment I saw him unlock that door to the art room, the moment he unwittingly gave himself away as Dark, that we could never be friends. He was light, I was dark. They existed in each other, but not peacefully. We were destined to fight, to kill, to avenge. It could not be any other way. History showed that.
+When I wanted to cry
I couldn't cause I
Wasn't allowed+
From what I had learnt before I met him, life was pain. The pain of Krad taking over my body; the pain of my "father" lying through his teeth to me; the pain of Dark's magic, crushing me slowly; the pain of not being able to be … normal. I could never cry because I had to get up and face the world. But now you have introduced a new kind of pain into my life. The pain of never being able to love you.
+Gomenasai for everything
Gomenasai, I know I let you down
Gomenasai till the end
I never needed a friend
Like I do now+
You always wanted to be friends. I always wanted more. Together we stumbled into this mess. Now all I can do to keep it this way, where neither of us is seriously hurt, is to be distant from you…even though I need you. I need you more than you'll ever know Daisuke.
+What I thought wasn't all
So innocent
Was a delicate doll
Of porcelain+
I once believed that you weren't innocent, you were simply playing dumb. How wrong I was. No one on earth could be more innocent than you. You always smiled and greeted me with natural cheeriness every time I saw you. After a night of stealing, you would seek me out to ask how I was going. I tried to ignore your kindness, and I know that hurt you, but you never knew that every time you came near me, Krad was waiting.
+When I wanted to call you
And ask you for help
I stopped myself+
There were times when I tried to reach out to you, Daisuke. Subtle ways, so that no one would notice, but as soon I started, I would stop. I couldn't ask you. I couldn't ruin your perfect innocence by weighing you down with fears about me. Instead I kept my stoic mask and pushed Krad and the pain deeper within me.
+Gomenasai for everything
Gomenasai, I know I let you down
Gomenasai till the end
I never needed a friend
Like I do now+
You and Dark have sent out a notice for tonight. You say you will steal the "Fuyu no Kaze." I'm not sure I even care so much what you steal now. The only thing I care about is the fact that I have been forced by destiny and my father, to hurt you. I'm sorry for every time Krad hurt you, for every time I hurt you. But I will never be able to tell you I'm sorry. Just as I will never be able to tell you I love you.
The outlook from the town fountain is stunning. It reminds me of the drawing you did from art class of this exact outlook. Somehow, your drawing is more beautiful than the actual view.
+What I thought was a dream
A mirage
Was as real as it seemed
A privilege+
"Hiwatari-kun!" your voice wakes me from my despairing reverie. I turn to find you running around the fountain towards me, waving, your usual giant smile lighting up your face. Suddenly you trip as always and you go sprawling. The shoulder bag your carrying spills its contents, paints, pencils, brushes and paper, everywhere.
"Hello, Niwa-kun," I say gently as I offer you a hand. You smile and laugh nervously before taking my hand and letting me pull you up. Together we collect the far spread contents of your bag and I wonder why you are here.
"Sorry, Hiwatari-kun. I'm a bit of a klutz," he laughs again, as he stands up and I admire the beautiful sound.
"Perhaps," I smile a small smile that is saved only for him, but not that he knows that. We sit at the edge of the fountain and he slowly takes out his paper and pencils. I watch him out of the corner of my eye, not really feeling the need to talk.
"What are you doing here, Hiwatari-kun? It's unusual to see you around town!" his usual cheerfulness that I was thinking of before comes out. He cocks his head and looks at me with those captive ruby eyes, silently asking me in our own language if I'm okay.
"It was such a beautiful day," I indicate the bright blue, morning sky dotted with fluffy white clouds with a nod of my head, "I thought it would be nice to come here."
"It is very beautiful…" he said slowly. He stared vacantly at the sky for a moment before going on with his sketch. I let him draw in silence for a long time. It's nice to silently enjoy the sun and his company. At the best of times, we don't need words. We just need each other.
"May I ask what you're drawing?" I say after awhile, eyeing his sketch with some curiosity. From here it didn't look like a landscape.
"Oh, no, it's nothing really. It's very bad," he instinctively pulled it away from my sight with a very worried look on his face.
"I'm sure it's beautiful Niwa," suddenly he went bright red and looked down. For a second I though his eyes were purple, but I blinked and they were red again. "May I please see it?"
Wordlessly he handed the sketch over to me. I nearly fainted. It was of … me. A faint shade of pink crossed my cheeks but I reprimanded myself for having foolish hopes.
"It's very good, Niwa. You have lots of natural talent," I couldn't believe my voice was actually steady when I said that. Inside I was feeling rather shaky all over.
"T-thank you … Hiwatari….," he stuttered before taking the drawing back. His face matched his hair now, and I had the slightest hope that it was something deeper than the fact that I had complemented his drawing.
"I should be the one thanking you, for going against your family's history," I meant every word I said. I hope he knew that. I leaned back on my hands, and closed my eyes against the sun.
"Mm," he didn't have an answer to that. I didn't expect him to have one. Instead he desperately searched for another subject, "Are you ready for tonight?"
I sighed and looked away, wishing he hadn't asked that question of all the ones he could have.
+Gomenasai, for everything
Gomenasai, Gomenasai,
I never needed a friend,
Like I do now+
"I'm never ready to go and hurt you, Niwa-kun," I said quietly, closing my eyes again, blocking out the images Krad was trying to send me of Daisuke, screaming in agony on the floor of a deserted museum.
"I don't mind you hurting me like that Hiwatari-kun," I heard him set his drawing materials between us, "What really hurts me….is when … you turn away, when I try to be friends with you."
My eyes snapped open. I looked down at the younger boy who refuses to meet my eyes. He was leaning on his drawing book and looking into the fountain.
"I know you want friends, Hiwatari-kun, you've told me so… and you are friends with the twins and Takeshi and Masuhiro … but why won't you be friends with me?" Daisuke's words were breaking my heart. He looked so sad and I could see tears swelling in his eyes.
"You know why we can't be friends," I sighed. I knew this day was coming, where I would sever all ties between us, but it's for the best….is it?
+When I wanted to tell you
I made a mistake
I walked away+
"I know I'm dark and you're light but…we can still be friends," these words were obviously hurting him as he said them. I sighed again and shook my head. I looked the other way and blinked back the tears that were threatening to roll down my face.
Slowly I got up and started to walk away. Every step was killing me. It was taking all of will to stop myself from turning around and telling the truth. That I wanted to be friends…I wanted to be more than friends.
+Gomenasai, I let you down+
The pain was too much. I could hear him crying softly as I walked away. I let you down. I couldn't even stay and tell you how I feel.
"Satoshi! Please…don't go!" he yelled from behind me. I could just picture him standing there, tears running down his face, hand stretched out towards me. Krad threw the image back at me again, and again, laughing as he did.
The sound of faded to nothing and the sun suddenly felt cold.
"Satoshi…" I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn't do this. I couldn't walk away from the one person I loved. I knew I would hurt him, just as he hurt me yet suddenly that didn't matter.
+Gomenasai, Gomenasai,
Gomenasai till the end
I never needed a friend
Like I do now+
I turned and saw him standing there. All my resolve melted as I saw the pain in his face. It hit me that doing this was hurting more than anything Krad could have done to him.
I slowly walked back over to him and put my arms around him. He clung to me as if I was going to disappear.
"I'm sorry, Daisuke," I buried my face in his bright red hair and I felt my willpower leaving me. All the pain I kept locked away inside of me began to pour out, "I just didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want Krad to hurt you. I'm so sorry."
"Satoshi…" was all he could say. His head was resting on my shoulder calmly but his pain was evident in the fact that his hands were twisted into my shirt.
"Daisuke, I've always wanted to be your friend, your protector…I've always wanted to let myself…" can I break the final barrier? Can I pour out my soul to the boy in my arms? Of course I can. I already have, "To let myself …love you."
His hands clenched for a moment but when he looked up at me his face showed disbelief and almost…hope. Suddenly, I realized, as I had been lost in my thoughts he had moved closer to me. Our faces were inches apart. I could see the drying tracks of crystal tears on his face. He looked down for a moment, uncertainty staining his crimson eyes.
I closed my eyes. I knew he didn't love me. He couldn't. It was a one in a million shot and I had just made the biggest idiot out of myself.
Warmth radiated from my lips. Suddenly I could feel his lips brushing against mine, pouring his soul out, into me. He leant back and I opened my eyes only to stare into his. He looked shyly up at me and I gave him one of the special smiles, saved only for him. He leaned into my embrace again and I promised myself I would never let him go.
"You never let me love you either."
A/N:
Wow, that so was meant to be a short oneshot but wound up as 5 pages. Woops. Well I hope you all enjoyed it! Hoorah for SatoshixDai fluff!! It was just an idea that popped into my head 'cause this song suits them so much!
Forgot to mention I do not own the song lyrics. The song is "Gomenasai" by T.a.T.u.