Chapter 2: Baby Shopping
"This is the one! A little ugly, yes, but definitely evil." Dr. Evil, Frau, and Number2 were doing baby shopping. Number2 was wearing jeans and a polo shirt instead of his usual suit. Frau was wearing her costume for when she visited Dr. Evil in jail in "Goldmember" (blonde wig, pink shirt, jeans, shrug jacket, sunglasses, right down to the Taco Bell bag) only this time her stomach was padded to make her look pregnant, and she and Dr. Evil were wearing wedding rings. Dr. Evil was wearing slacks, a coat over his usual silver shirt, and a hat; and he was trying to grab a nearby toddler out of his stroller. Luckily for the toddler, his mother pushed the carriage away, saying "How dare you call my child ugly and evil? I'll have you know, sir, that he's an angel! You'll be lucky if I don't sue you!" Dr. Evil was stunned. "What was HER problem? I would have paid good money for that kid!" "Uh….Dr. Evil," Number2 said "Baby shopping means buying things FOR a baby, not buying a baby." "I knew that. Now let's get to that furniture store." So they walked off to IKEA, except for Frau, who was waddling behind them trying to figure out how to walk with that damn padding under her shirt. But when they got to IKEA, they met with a terrible shock: none of the baby furniture there was evil! Dr. Evil wandered among the cribs in utter dismay. "Bears. Clouds. Balloons. Rabbits. Moons. Isn't anything here evil? Wait- here's one with little yellow hand grenades!" "Those, Herr Doktor, are pineapples," retorted Frau. In desperation, Dr. Evil walked up to a table carved out of a dark wood. "Here it is, gentlemen, an evil changing table! It even has little drawers for all the baby stuff!" Number2 said "Dr. Evil, that's a coffee table." It was going to be a LONG shopping trip.
Many stores later, they finally found slightly evil furniture (well, at least it had no cutesy prints on it and it could be painted black with little Dr. Evil logos), sort of plain baby supplies (OK, they don't seem to make those anymore, but let's just pretend they do, OK?), and some black layettes at a store called GothSpawn. Now there was nothing but to wait a week for the baby's arrival.
"For the last time, it's a BOY!!!!!" yelled Dr. Evil at Scott. The baby was due to arrive anytime that day, and they were all wondering whether it would be a boy or a girl. Actually, to tell the truth, they were arguing over the matter. "Look, all I'm saying is that it MIGHT be a girl," argued Scott. "Ja, Herr Doktor, Scott could be getting a sister," Said Frau, backing him up. "Whatever it is," Fat Bastard begged "Can I eat it? PLEASE????" "NO!!!!!!" "Well sorr-y," said the obese Scotsman. Just then, there was a knock on the door. "I'M A FATHER!!!!" Dr. Evil yelled as he ran to answer it.