Chapter 12: And Now We Break for Resolutions
"It is a long and historic tradition for Hogwarts' students who remain in school during the holidays, every seven years, to write a list of New Year's Resolutions. These are for your own benefit, and should be taken seriously. They are a private matter and are used to help you better understand your goals for the coming year." Professor McGonagall handed out parchment amid hushed whispers and laughter from the few pupils in the Great Hall. She sorely wished that the idiot who invented this was in some place very, very hot.
Somehow or another, as more students came in, McGonagall managed to repeat the speech with a straight face. She remembered her New Year's Resolution, from back in her third year.
Snog Jeremy Parker. Then date his hot friend.
It was amazing she somehow became single.
But, if we wanted to know about Professor McGonagall's third year thoughts, this story would be taking place in her third year. Instead, this tale concerns Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Kera Carutasu, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, and Neville Longbottom and Cho Chang. Oh, and the Dark Lord, his wife/ concubine person, and several nameless muggles who willvery soondie of theChicken Pox.
Harry's List:
1)Kill Malfoy.
2)Kill Malfoy.
3)Get Ginny underneath some heavy mistletoe.
4)Kick some Voldemort ass.
(His parents would be proud… we hope.)
Ginny's Resolutions:
1)Become one with inner Harry's Girlfriend-ness.
2)Publicly humiliate Malfoy and my brother at the same time.
3) Get Harry to get me an identification bracelet.
(Right. I feel no real need to comment.)
Ron and Hermione's (two different sheets, same blank stuff):
1)Not remain a virgin.
2)Lose it to someone hot.
(We're still waiting to see what the dictionary saysabout the definition of 'hot'. I mean, come on, Viktor Krum?)
Kera's List:
1)Do stuff. Maybe with some people. Like… a party?
2)Figure why the hell I'm writing this nonsense.
3)Oh… turn Snape's hair a shocking purple by end of term.
(Yes, rather nice goals.)
Draco's:
1)Turn Pansy into pig.
2)Kill pig.
3)Feed to Julia.
4)Laugh.
5)Kiss some people.
(Why, he's actually thought this one out!)
Neville and Cho (they only wrote one):
1)Pass the pregnancy test.
(A/N: Okay, I'm saying it now. Please avoid asking me if Neville's pregnant. HE IS A GUY. G-U-Y.)
Voldemort, being curiously absent from the school, has none. He is off giving people the flu, and doing other Voldemort-y things. (Yes folks, you heard it here. Voldemort is the actual cause of the flu. And you listen to your health teacher because…?)
All those poor muggles:
1)Not die.
(I'd say something harsh here but… man, they're unlucky.)
(A/N: Curious as to why this dumb, plot less, and otherwise annoying chapter was stuck in? Well, truth is, I'm feeling guilty and bored. Yes… very bored. Bored enough to go try to write some New Year's- well, okay, maybe not that bored. No one is ever actually that bored enough to write down their resolutions. Maybe say them. But, you give up after five days. No, it's always some combination of peer pressure, cheap TV marketing and advertisement, and leftover pudding. If you'll excuse me, the pressure is building to write the horrid little things down now. After all, it is already Oct. 8.)