A/N: Well, here ya go. Another new one! I've been writing up a storm lately and like I said, have SO many stories in the works at the moment. I can't seem to help it! It's like I've been thrown back into 2008 and can't get enough of my Spashley. This one has a much different tone than Rearrange Us if anyone is reading that. I don't have nearly as much of it done as some of the others I'm working on but I was just so excited about it, I wanted to post.

Let me know what you think!

Part 1

What does it cost to hold another's heart? Because the ache is rarely one-sided – no it's a process, falling in love. Like the leaf that falls needs the branch that needs the tree that needs the roots that needs the ground. Falling is never done singly. No, it can't be, right?

But I cannot trust my suppositions any longer. I can't be trusted and maybe I should never have been in the first place. Because I swear, I swear, when she looks at me, the world stops. It's sad that I cannot even say with certainty that she's looking at me. I mean, how could I? Plus, and more importantly, why would she? I cannot trust myself any longer, or ever again. Because I am alone in this, I know it through my bones.

This is the fourth time I've tried such a thing, and I am no more hopeful than the last. In my defense, I started off with bright eyes and ample faith. It was quickly struck down like lightening pummeling through a vacant home. My home.

"Think you'll try talking today?" He has such kind eyes. But I just shrug. I wouldn't even know where to begin.

"I don't even know where to begin."

"I want to help you, Ashley. I think I can help you." He looks tired, I wonder if he's tired of me. He's also a bit dopey looking, I never noticed that before. All wide-eyed and smiling all the time. I like him, I do, but the smiling is a little creepy.

"You smile a lot," I point to his face, as if he can't see that he's already smiling. That just makes him smile more.

"Life is worth smiling for."

"Maybe for you," I challenge.

"Yes, maybe for me," he nods in understanding. He seems to understand a lot. "Have you been having trouble sleeping lately?"

"I'm always having trouble sleeping." It's true, since my father showed me Nightmare on Elm Street when I was eight.

"Maybe I can prescribe something for you."

"Not interested."

"Well, it's your choice of course. But I think it may help."

I shake my head. I don't care if it helps, I don't want anything in my system anymore. It was too hard to wash everything out in the first place. Even if I can't sleep. I don't want to go back there. "No, thank you."

"We can revisit it later."

"There's a girl," I say quietly. He seems to perk up at this. I finally gave him something, and it's been months. "That's why I can't sleep." Partially true.

"Tell me about this girl."

I shrug. "She's beautiful."

"What's her name?"

"I call her Blue Eyes."

He chuckles a little, his green eyes twinkling. "You don't know her name?" No! I don't! It's incredibly frustrating, actually.

"I haven't exactly spoken to her yet." I shift in my seat uncomfortably, he's looking at me funny. I feel vulnerable now and I want to shut down. But he's only trying to help, and this is all a part of the healing process. At least, that's what I think.

"How come?"

"Scary," I deadpan. She's the scariest person I've ever seen.

"You're scared of her or scared of rejection?" he asks. But he asks in that shrink way where he already knows the answer.

"Can't it be both?"

"It can."

"Then both," I nod for extra effect.

"Where do you know her from?" he continues with his shrink-y line of questioning. If he didn't have such a soothing voice, this might have annoyed me. But he's kind of warm, kind of nice. I think I like his voice, a lot. It's kind of gruff but also kind of like velvet. "Ashley?"

"She brings me coffee."

"She's a barista?" he asks with that same twinkle. His eyes are laughing at me. I should probably be mad but he does have nice eyes. They're gentle.

"Yes."

"And you like her?"

I think I love her. "I do."

"Well, homework assignment: talk to her."

And suddenly I'm panicked. Because, how could I? How could I ever manage enough strength to speak to an angel? It's simply impossible. "I can't."

"Why not?" Because when she looks at me I can't breathe.

"I'm shy."

He snorts that time. I should take offense, but again, it's kind of endearing. "You're many things, Miss Davies. But shy is not one of them. Talk to her."

And then the session is over and I'm walking out of the building into the frigid air. I wrap my jacket tighter around my body, clenching my jaw so that the crave of nicotine will dissipate. No more smoking. I walk to the coffee shop, a path that I know all too well. A path I have memorized from every significant destination in this city. She'll be there today. It's Wednesday and she has the night shift. I probably won't talk to her, but at least I'll get to look at her.

"Hey Ash!" Aiden greets me as I enter the shop. He pulls me into a hug, holding on a little too tight if you ask me. He never did take rejection well, I should find time to explain it further.

"How was your session?" My sister speaks next: Kyla. She's waiting there with Aiden, waiting for me. Because they know I'd never miss a night shift away from the pretty blonde. They know I'll stay there for hours pretending to listen to the lame open mic bands, pretending to people watch, when really, I will be pretty-blonde watching. I'm always watching her.

"Good. He gave me homework," I say plainly. I've been more open about my sessions lately. It makes Kyla feel close to me, and I think I owe her that.

"Oh yeah?" she asks, finding a spot on the comfy couch against the wall. The Coffee Shop is the coziest place on Earth. All of the seating is couches or cushions on the floors. There are blankets and books everywhere. It's warm.

"Yes. He wants me to talk to Blue Eyes," I nod behind the counter where she stands, smiling nonchalantly as if the full few of her perfect teeth doesn't nearly knock me out every time. How could she be so unaware?

Aiden frowns but Kyla beams. "I think that's the best homework assignment I've ever heard of!"

"I don't know if I can," I groan. I've been playing the role of creepy voyeur for nearly 4 months and not sure if I could give that up. What's better than being able to watching someone completely unabashedly? If we met, she'd be looking for me then. And I wouldn't be able to hide.

Kyla rolls her eyes. She's been trying to get me to speak to Blue Eyes for months. Obviously to no avail. My sister's annoying though, and I know she'll make me go. So, I'm not surprised when she pulls me from the couch and pushes me toward the counter. And I'm not surprised when she discreetly pinches me in the back when I try to run away.

I am surprised at how blue this woman's eyes are up close. I'm surprised at how my chest constricts when she shoots us both a confused smile. Her eyebrows furrow a little and she tilts her head when I don't speak immediately. Oh my god, I'm going to pass out.

Kyla speaks first. "Hi Spencer."

Who the hell is Spencer? Blue Eyes grins and nods her head in greeting. Blue Eyes must be Spencer. Wait, Kyla knew and didn't tell me? The traitor! I shoot her my best attempt at a death glare before feeling the absolute softest hands on my wrists. Soft hands that cause electrical waves to shoot through my entire body. Kyla walks away, giving me a wink.

"I was wondering when you'd finally come and talk to me." And she does that fucking head tilt again. Okay, is she trying to kill me, seriously? Does she not understand that thing is deadly?

"Um…I…"

"It's just, you've been coming in here for months now. And you always get your friends to come order for you," she giggles. "And you stare a lot."

I do not! "Nuh uh."

She giggles again. Oh god, I'm done for. "You do."

I so do.

"Don't worry," she continues, "I think it's cute."

And there goes my heart. Officially, I think it exploded. Or it couldn't have, because there's a giant goofy grin on my face. I should say something, she's looking at me expectantly. "Ashley," I manage to stumble out. She's looking at me confused again. "My name is Ashley."

"Oh, well it's nice to meet you Ashley." She sticks out her hand and I just stare at it. I'm not sure my heart can take the taser attached to her palm right now. But how could I give up an opportunity of having her soft, soft skin on mine again. Dilemmas!

She must have sensed my hesitation, because she pulls her arm back. But her smile is still there. I wonder if I made her smile. "You too…Spencer," I let the name roll off my tongue. Oh, yeah. That's a good name. A great name.

"So," she says after awhile. I find it very difficult to form words in her presence, let alone full sentences. "Vanilla latte, right?"

"Huh?"

She giggles again and I smile. She has such a nice giggle. "Vanilla latte, that's your drink, right?"

"Uh, yeah, how did you—"

"You're not the only one that stares," she shrugs, stepping back to make the drink. And I'm left there, smiling like an idiot. She makes my lattes perfectly, no one does it better. And watching her this close will make the drinking experience all the more satisfying, I just know it.

She hands me the drink; a series of numbers are written on the side. But I can't even think about that right now. All that I can focus on are her fingers brushing slightly with mine. "Thank you," I sputter.

She smiles again, pulling her hand back and giving me a look I can't discern. "I get off at 10."

"You…10…?"

"Mhm," she hums, smirking. "My number's on the cup. Ya know, to make it easier when you ask me out."

My jaw is on the ground. Who knew she would be so forward? That's my job. What is she doing to me!? The only thing I can do next is reach into the pocket of my jeans to grab some cash. She pushes it back, though, her fingers touching mine again. It takes everything in me not to flinch from the tingling sensation.

"It's on me."

I walk off then, back to Kyla and Aiden. A goofy smile still plastered on my face. The kind of smile that splits my face into two halves, from ear to ear. Aiden's frown and Kyla's smirk tell me that my mood is apparent to everyone. She glances down at the cup and shakes her head, chuckling a little.

"I take it things went well?" Better than well. She asked me out, kind of. Well, she asked me to ask her out. Or insinuated it, or whatever.

"Yes."

"So, you going to call her?" Aiden asks coolly. Jealously is not a good look on you, Dennison.

"I think so."

"Are you sure about that? I mean, you know what happened last ti—" Kyla elbows him before he can finish. It's no matter, I knew where he was going with it and now I'm frowning. He's right, honestly. I haven't given myself up to anyone since…since everything changed.

"God, Aiden, you are insufferable." That's Kyla's voice, but I can't pay much attention. Now I'm just thinking about what my life used to be. "Seriously this jealously shit is getting old."

They're arguing but I'm tuning them out now, looking back at Blue Eyes – Spencer – who is chatting with one of the other regulars. She's just so breathtaking. How could I even begin to understand the weight of her significance? I'm in this alone, truly. She couldn't love someone like me, not someone who is broken.

"I'm too broken," I whisper to myself. Kyla and Aiden are too caught up in themselves to notice, but when I look back to the blonde she's looking at me. Our eyes meet and the icy blue paralyzes me. The corners of her mouth twitch downward, her forehead crinkles from her brows pushed together. I want to run and tell her not to frown, that the world is sad if she isn't smiling. But I can't, I'm paralyzed.

I never call her. I leave the shop shortly after watching her frown and let 10pm come and pass. Kyla thinks I'm an idiot, Aiden thinks I'm just being safe, and I know that I'm just a coward.