Part 7

I've been watching her. For the past two hours, I've been awake and watching her sleep peacefully in my arms. This is my drug.

"Do I need to call Dateline?" she mumbles, her eyes still closed. Wow. Her voice…in the morning…wow.

"What?"

"You've been staring at me forever." She smiles and pulls me closer. There wasn't much space between us in the first place but now I'm close enough to feel her heart beat. It's in time with mine, it's always in time with mine.

I lean down and press a soft kiss to her lips. My favorite lips in the universe. "I can't help it."

"Is that creepy or romantic?"

"I think I toe the line between the two," I mumble into her lips. I really can't get enough. And then that reminds me. There are some demons I've been holding at bay. And the source is sitting only a foot from me, resting precariously in the closed drawer. It's so ridiculous how something so small could be the end of me.

"I love waking up to you," she says. Her eyes are still closed, she looks so content.

"Yeah?" I ask, biting my lip. She has no idea.

She finally opens her eyes and blushes when she sees me still staring. It's the most beautiful addition to her porcelain skin. She's incredible. "Thank you," she whispers, staring right into my eyes. "For, um…"

"You don't have to thank me," I assure her. It was my pleasure, truly. For her to trust me, to allow me to bring her to that place, it is beyond what I have ever imagined. But I need to take care of things. "I, uh…"

"Are you okay?" She cradles my face in her palm and I almost crumble from her touch. God, she deserves so much more than me. But I'm selfish. "Ash?"

"I don't want you to leave," I say honestly, looking right into her crystal blue eyes. "But I have to, um…"

"Oh, okay. That's okay…" She looks a little put out as she sits up to start collecting her clothes. I don't miss the blush that crosses her cheeks again when she realizes that she's still naked from the night before. She does however miss my smirk at the remembrance of those moments.

"I'm sorry, I just…didn't know you were coming over." I really don't want her to leave but I have to take care of this. "Are we okay?"

"We're great." She smiles and kisses me once on the lips before gingerly pulling on her shirt. When she winces from the pain, I immediately wrap my hands around her wrist, trying to help. "I got it," she says forcefully, causing me to pull back. "I'm sorry, it's just frustrating."

"It's okay," I reassure her. I get it. I'm familiar with pain and with wanting to handle it all yourself. "Let me drive you home."

"No, I drove," she says, now standing and pulling on her pants. "I borrowed my parent's car."

"Oh." Really? Oh? Come on, I thought I got better with this articulation thing.

"See you later, Ash." She's out of my bedroom before I can even hop up from under the sheets. And I let her go. I don't hear the front door close for another minute and I know she was waiting for me, to see if I'd go after her. But I just couldn't.

My throat is sore, my head is pounding, and my anxiety is officially past it's breaking point. I take one more look at the menacing drawer whose contents make every goosebump on my arms show themselves. Then I get up and shower, needing to be somewhere else.

"Hello, my name is Ray and I'm an addict…"

I zone out a bit as the aging man starts to speak. I know Ray, I've known him for awhile now. He was a big help to me when I first came through and then again when I eventually relapsed. He's old, around seventy, and started shooting heroin before he turned nineteen. He's been an addict for nearly fifty years, and clean for 30. It's…remarkable, honestly.

I needed this. As much as I crave Spencer, as much as I need her, too, I know that I can't let myself slip back. Absentmindedly, my fingers find the flat scars on my forearms – the reminders of my weakness, my disease. When everyone starts clapping, I snap out of my daze and realize Ray has stepped down.

With some trepidation, I stand and make my way to the front.

"Hi, my name is Ashley and I'm an addict."

The response comes in a chorus, "Hi, Ashley."

"I've been sober for…11 months and some change." I smile, thinking back to receiving my one-day chip at my first meeting. My second one-day chip. "And last night, I called an old friend of mine, and old dealer. I had it right there in front of me. No one was home, and they wouldn't be for hours. I was ready. And I almost…" I shut my eyes tightly, remembering the cravings from the night before. From this week and a half.

"I met someone," I continue. "Someone who I feel is changing my life in ways she can't even comprehend. She smiles at me and my heart nearly stops. It's exhilarating…and terrifying." I sigh and close my eyes briefly. "She holds me so close to her and she has no idea what I am, who I've been. And I'm so scared to tell her. Um, she got hurt about a week ago. She was attacked and she could've…" I stop, not even able to finish the words. "I can't tell her. And I ran right to my demons. They were just waiting for me…waiting for me to fail."

Everyone is looking at me, listening very intently and waiting for me to continue. I take a breath. "I didn't use. She showed up at my door literally seconds before, and it was like I could breathe again. But I know I need something else…so I came here…"

Everyone waits a few seconds, making sure I'm done speaking, before clapping and congratulating me. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel freer than before. I really needed this. And now I need my girl.

"Spencer, wait!" I rush out, putting my foot forward to stop her from slamming the door in my face.

It's been four days since my meeting, four days since my night with Blue Eyes, and I've been avoiding her. I needed some space to make sure I was strong on my own. I needed to be strong for her. She's called and texted and even showed up to the loft but I had Kyla lie for me. I didn't miss the look of hurt and disbelief that crossed her face when Kyla reluctantly sent her away.

"Please, Ashley…just…" She sighs, obviously torn between turning me away and allowing me inside. The internal struggle is playing out obviously on her face. I hurt her, I know this.

"Let me explain. Please," I beg her. I'm pathetic, no use is denying it. She has every right to be upset with me, furious even. I have not been a good partner to her, especially while she's been recovering from an incredibly traumatic experience, but I can't have her turn me away. I see her face soften and I know I've already won. I don't know how I feel about that. "Spencer…"

"Ninety seconds," she asserts, firmly, before moving aside so I can step through the door. Without another word, she walks slowly up the stairs towards her room, still moving clumsily due to her stitches. She goes to her bed and sits, letting her fingers play with the edges of a frilly comforter that I know she hasn't used since she was a teenager. I'm silent for awhile, more than excited that she let me in but completely unsure of what to say. "50 seconds, now."

"I'm sorry." My voice is low and soft, but firm. I need to apologize and I need her to know that I mean it. "I'm so sorry. You have no idea. I…I've been terrible…"

"Are you waiting for me to disagree?" she asks after I pause.

I shake my head quickly and continue. "There's a lot you don't know about me, Spence." That's the first time I've ever shortened her name. It would feel odd to use my usual term of endearment now. "Like, really a lot."

"Like what?"

I shake my head again, this time out of exasperation with myself. "I wouldn't even know how to start."

Spencer sits up so she's fully facing me now as I stand near the closed door. Her blue eyes are cloudy and she looks exhausted. I know she's been crying and I know it's because of me. "Let's start with why you blew me off the other day."

"I had to be somewhere."

"Where?"

I bite my lip. "I can't say."

She sighs. "Why not?"

"It's not something I'm proud of."

Again, she sighs. It's more frustrated than her last. "You're being frustratingly cryptic."

I move all the way over to her now, and take a seat next to her on the bed. I haven't been this close to her since our night together and I almost faint at the enticing smell of her shampoo. God, I've missed her so much. And I'm an idiot.

She doesn't move as I scooch closer. I take that as a good sign. "Do you trust me?" I ask almost suddenly. Her head shoots up and her stormy eyes meet mine easily. They were looking at her already. "Do you?"

"Yeah," she breathes and brings her lip between her teeth. "I do."

I take her hands in mine. They're so warm. "Then trust me when I say that I am deeply, deeply sorry. And I promise I will never do anything like this again." I kiss her softly on the cheek, my lips burning at the familiar sensation. "I swear."

"I believe you. But I still want to know what's going on."

"And I want to tell you. Just…give me some time. Please?"

She's silent for a full minute before I hear her soft voice. She's so close now, I can feel her breath on my ear. "Are you safe?"

"What?" I lean back so I can look into her eyes. She looks concerned and confused, but she's full of sincerity.

"Just tell me you're safe. Whatever is going on, promise me you're not in any danger or anything like that."

I watch her as she fumbles with the zipper on my jacket, pulling it up and down and squeezing the cloth in her fingers. "I'm safe. I promise."

"You're so pretty," I say to Blue Eyes as we lay in my bed. She insisted we came here after making up at her house. Apparently, her family is quite nosy and we wouldn't have gotten much privacy had we stayed longer. And I'll never complain if Spencer wants to laze around in my sheets. "Seriously, it's like your superpower."

She rolls her eyes but her smile splits her face in two. "I missed you."

That makes me swallow and my heart speeds up just a bit. "I missed you, too," I reply in earnest. I run my index finger down her jaw, just studying every feature of her face, and smile when a warm blush starts to coat her cheeks. "Do you want to stay over tonight?"

"Are you gonna kick me out in the morning?"

I think she's joking but I still wince at her words. "Sorry about that."

"I want to stay over if you promise to at least make me breakfast. I'm a classy gal, ya know."

A small chuckle escapes my throat and I pull her closer, taking care not to touch her bandage.

She's warm against my side and curls into my touch, pulling me that much closer. Times like this are what I crave with my favorite blonde. Innocent touches and soft breaths, just holding each other impossibly close, wanting nothing more than to breathe together.

"Tell me about your family," she says quietly, playing with my fingers that are resting against her abdomen.

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything you feel alright telling me."

"Well, you already know Kyla…unfortunately." She pokes me in the stomach at the light jab toward my sister before I continue. "We met when I was seventeen, right after my...um, right after my father died." Spencer knew that my father passed away when I was a teenager but I never elaborated much. "It was a drug overdose."

"God, Ashley. I'm so sorry."

I kiss her on the cheek, silently telling her that she has nothing to be sorry for. "It was hard at first but now I can't imagine my life without her. Aside from her, there's only my mother. And she isn't worth talking about much."

She's quiet for a bit before she speaks again. "Did she hurt you?" she asks so innocently that I nearly start crying on the spot.

I sigh. "Yeah, she hurt me."

"Is she still hurting you?"

I'm shocked by the question, but slowly, a sad smile forms on my face. "Yeah. She's still hurting me," I say quietly.

Blue Eyes pulls me closer to her and nuzzles into my neck. "You're too good to be hurt like that, Ash."

"I'm okay, Spencer."

She smiles. "I like it when you say my name."

"I know," I whisper, placing a soft kiss on her temple.

A beat. Then… "Are you a drug dealer?"

That. That, I was not expecting. I snort, nearly choking on the saliva in my mouth. "What?"

"Well, you disappear and you're all mysterious. You never seem to work and yet you live in this insane loft. I dunno." She shrugs but stays nuzzled into my side, discussing this so casually, you'd think she was asking about the weather. "What else could I think?"

I fight the smile that's threatening to break free. "Would it matter to you if I was?"

"Um…" She thinks it over for a few moments. "I think so. I mean, I think it would matter if it was dangerous. And I'm assuming it would be pretty dangerous."

"I'm not a drug dealer," I say slowly, but can't help but have a hint of humor in my voice. I can't believe she thought I was a drug dealer. "Your apathy about that prospect has me a bit concerned, though."

She shrugs. "Just cause your profession is dangerous, doesn't mean you are."

"You do realize that I'm not a drug dealer though, don't you?"

She leans up and smirks, sending chills down my spine. "I know. You're too skittery."

I frown at that. "Am not."

Heaven definitely consists of Spencer Carlin propped up on my kitchen counter, with me standing between her legs, and her lips on mine. I know, because I'm there now. I squeeze her hips and groan when I feel her tongue slip into my mouth and tilt my head so I can get a better angle.

"I love your lips," she whispers, so sweet and soft.

I love you. "Thank you."

She giggles. "Thank you? Really?"

But her fingers are lightly scratching against my scalp and I can't respond, I can only hum out some form of acknowledgement. This is perfect.

"Hey Ash—oh, god! I'm so sorry."

I take it back.

"Kyla," I force out through gritted teeth. "Don't you knock?"

She looks at us both dumbly, furrowing her brows. "You're in the kitchen."

"Shut up," I mumble.

"Hey Spencer, how are you feeling?" Kyla smiles at Blue Eyes who is still blushing profusely at the interruption. I grab her hand to help her down from the counter and she gives my sister a brilliant smile.

"Much better, thank you."

"You know you're some kind of magician, right?" Kyla says, prompting both Spencer and I to look at her with confused expressions. I don't miss that Kyla's use of that description is the exact way I have described my girl in the past. Blue Eyes really is a magician.

"What?" she asks, looking at me for clarification as well.

Kyla drops her bags onto the ground and grins. "Ashley was such a bitch before you came along."

"Hey!" I snap indignantly.

Blue Eyes just chuckles and kisses my cheek, immediately turning my frown into an ear-splitting grin. She does so much to me without even realizing it, I swear.

"That's hard to believe," Blue Eyes says, eyeing me. I just shrug and grab her hand, pulling her toward the couch.

"No, really. You should've seen her. She was all mopey and broody."

Spencer laughs freely. "Now broody I can see."

Neither woman seems to care about the pout I have plastered on my face in this moment. But a second later, Spencer kisses it away and I forget my troubles.

"You're so cute," she says, wrapping an arm around my neck.

This is all I need.