Disclaimer: Voyager belongs to paramount.

Chapter 5: Pink Rose

One year and ten months

An exhausted Chakotay stood outside his captain's quarters and waited to be admitted. Just as he was about to press for entry for a second time, the doors opened and his crying son was thrust into his arms. "I've been trying to get him to bed for the past forty minutes," Kathryn explained as she walked away, "you try."

He stepped into her quarters, pulling his son up against his shoulder and running a hand soothingly over his hair. "Is this what you called me here for?" he was surprised, "I thought it was an emergency."

"Try depriving your captain of sleep for two nights and I'll give you an emergency," she threatened as she picked up an empty mug and took it over to the replicater to be recycled.

"You're not sleeping well?" he asked, concerned.

"No," she turned around slowly, "he's not sleeping well, and therefore I'm not getting any sleep." He watched her as she headed over towards her bathroom, undoing her jacket and chucking it on the couch, "read him a story or something," she suggested without looking around, "I'm having a bath."

Deciding that he wasn't going to allow her to leave it at that he followed her into the bathroom as she started running the water. "Are you angry at me or something?" he asked as he stood in the doorway, Noah settling into quiet sobs against his shoulder.

Sitting on the edge of the tub she gave him a glare, "angry, why the hell would I be angry at you Chakotay?"

He frowned, "well you're stressed out about something, and I don't think missing sleep because of your son is that main problem here."

"You're right," she said exasperatedly, "my problem is the father of my son; he plays daddy for two months and then as soon as we're back on Voyager he becomes like a ghost. You can't just step out of Noah's life like that, just because your own is a little complicated right now!"

"I thought you wanted things to go back to the way things were before," he stated, remembering their conversation just before Voyager had 'rescued' them from New Earth.

She remembered the heated argument, remembered snapping at him and telling him that she wished she had never gotten involved with him. She had instantly regretted the words the moment they had left her mouth, but she had been too stubborn to apologise right away, and he had been avoiding her since their return, and so she hadn't had a chance to take back any of the things that she had said to him. She sighed, "not with Noah. He needs you…" she smiled tiredly, "and I need to take a bath and get some sleep."

Her words lightened the mood somewhat and he nodded, "he seems to have calmed down, I'll try and get him to sleep."

"Thank you."

Chakotay left the bathroom, the door closing behind him as he headed over to the nursery. "Have you been problematic for your mummy Noah?" he asked, chuckling as the little boy looked up at him with the same chocolate brown eyes with the most innocent of expressions plastered over his face.

It was the first time Chakotay had been in the nursery since his return to Voyager, and he was stunned to see that Kathryn had replaced the grey standard cot with the one he had made on New Earth; he had assumed that she had left it on the planet with the bath and other things that would have found no use back on the ship, obviously he had been wrong. Approaching the book case he glanced at the selection of books, then having a thought he picked up a padd, "computer, download my reports to the padd."

Sitting down on the armchair in the room, he reached into the cot beside him and pulled out a blanket, wrapping his son loosely in it before resting Noah on his lap. "Lets start off with security," he spoke softly, "Tuvok usually gets me to sleep." The small boy rested his head against his father's chest, and listened contently as Chakotay read out the entire report in his official bedtime story voice.

Twenty five minutes later and Kathryn entered the room to see Noah sleeping contently on Chakotay's lap, and her first officer reading silently to himself. "How did you get him to sleep?" she asked, sitting herself down on the bean bag by his feet.

"I thought it would be Tuvok's security report that would send him off, but it turns out that our son is quite partial to the ramblings of Neelix's wish list for the mess."

Kathryn chuckled to herself, "good idea."

"See, I can multitask," he pointed out after several weeks before she had accused him of being unable to carry out more than one task at once as he had sat on the floor playing with Noah, and managed to burn their dinner.

"Well done," she rolled her eyes, obviously in a better mood than she had been when he'd arrived earlier, "so you're not just a pretty face then."

He laughed lightly, "only sometimes." With that he slowly rose from the arm chair and lifted his son into the cot, careful not to make any sudden movements that would wake the sleeping toddler. Knowing that leaving him straight away was one sure way of ensuring that he woke up, he stayed by the side of the cot for a while, running his fingers over Noah's hair to remind him that he was still there. "What do you want me to do then?" he asked without turning around.

"About what?" she asked, absently rubbing her temple.

"About Noah."

She took a moment in replying, "I want you to be involved in his life Chakotay, I want our son to grow up knowing that you're his father."

Chakotay turned around, "even now we're back on Voyager?"

"Especially now," she replied simply.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair before resting his hands behind his body on the frame of the cot. "And what about us?" as he asked she looked away from him and concentrated her gaze on the corner of the room. "I don't want us to lose what we had on New Earth," he decided to be completely honest despite his fear of laying his heart in the open, "I love you, and I don't want to lose you…"

"I know," she looked back up at him, he was sure he saw tears forming in the corner of her eyes, "but I don't see how we could make a relationship work on Voyager; New Earth was different, there was no command structure, I didn't have the responsibility of a crew on my shoulders, I didn't have the worries I have now of this uncharted part of space… if I opened my heart to you, and then I lost you Chakotay, I don't know how I would get them home feeling that kind of pain."

"You won't lose me," he insisted softly and in a way that almost made her believe him, "I will always be here for you, I will always share your burden… and if I die before my time, then it will just be a little harder for you to know that I'm still with you."

She looked unconvinced, and being a woman of science and very little faith he wasn't surprised, so he went to his knees in front of her and rested a hand on her upper arm. "Even if you never let me into your heart again, I will always love you," his words held a determination that made her trust them completely.

"You don't understand," she met his eyes, "I was engaged to a man before Mark, but he died, and to have someone I loved so much taken away from me like that was unbearable. Until you I didn't think I could love anyone that way again."

"You were engaged before Mark?" he concentrated on her first words.

She nodded slowly, "fourteen years ago, lieutenant Justin Tighe," smiling somewhat bitterly she went on, "he died in a shuttle accident with my father… I only barely survived the crash."

Chakotay looked at her carefully, "and I guess with my record of flying shuttles you're not exactly put at ease."

Kathryn chuckled despite the tears that glided down her cheeks as she did so, "not really, no."

He leaned forwards and placed a kiss on her cheek, "I don't want to push you," he stated, "I've got tomorrow morning off, why don't you bring Noah round for breakfast?"

"I'm sorry about what I said just before we left New Earth," the apology finally arrived, "I don't regret what happened… and I can't think of a better father for my son."

"I wish I had met you before Seska," he said with a small smile as he pulled back.

Meeting his gaze, "do you know what you're doing to do?"

"No," he shook his head.

"This ship is behind whatever decision you make," she told him, "you know I am… and I don't think Noah would mind a younger brother to grow up with."

He thought of mentioning that he might mind their son growing up with a half Cardassian, but he knew she was too diplomatic to support his attitude so he just climbed up from the floor to standing. "I'll see you tomorrow morning." Then he left the nursery and made his way out of her quarters.

/\

One year, eleven and a half months

In the end they had gone after Seska's son; it was a trap of course, and now they were piling into caves to avoid the harsh daylight. Chakotay couldn't help but feel totally responsible as he watched the faces of the people as they walked passed him into the caves. "Da," the young voice caught his attention and he turned to see B'Elanna carrying Noah who had already noticed his father and was almost clawing away at B'Elanna's arm to get to him.

Smiling he took Noah into his arms and placed a kiss on his forehead, ever grateful that Seska hadn't managed to put two and two together and work out that he was the father to the captain's son. "Neelix has apparently found water," she informed him, "but then he apparently found water the last two times he said that."

"I think he has this time," he assured her, "at least I hope that rag he gave to me was soaked in water from a spring," he shot her a worried expression. "I've sent a team out, they should be back within five, ten minutes."

The engineer rolled her eyes then gave him a knowing grin, "any luck with a fire?"

Her bemused expression was supported by his lack of one, "not yet, no."

She shook her head with a smile, "anyway, me and Harry are going in search of food."

"Take a team," he instructed.

She nodded as she started to walk away, "of course."

"And come back before it gets dark," he called out after her.

-

Eventually Chakotay had got a fire going, after remembering an old trick his father had taught him with a lock of Kathryn's hair. Harry and B'Elanna hadn't exactly had any luck with their food gathering, having only brought back one shrivelled type of fruit that Neelix wasn't sure whether was safe or not. B'Elanna had decided to revert to basic survival training and had eaten a small amount of the fruit, saying if she was still alive by morning then it was a possibility.

Most people were sitting close to the fire after the temperature had suddenly dropped as night fell. Chakotay himself sat towards the edge of the cave, watching as other people socialised and tried to make light of their dire situation. Noah was happily playing with Ayala, who being a father himself with no children was quite happy to adopt Noah for a few hours every now and again.

Movement on a space on the rock he was sitting on caused him to turn around to see Kathryn seated beside him. "You're awfully quiet," she noted, "I haven't seen you speaking to anyone for a while."

He shrugged, "I guess I don't really feel like talking."

"You want me to leave you alone?"

He met her gaze, "I'd appreciate your company."

She smiled, her face glowing ever so slightly in the fire light. They sat in silence for a long while, both contemplating their situations and both considering strategies for how to cope. Chakotay took his arm around her back, she seemed surprised at the sudden contact, but no one was watching them so he didn't change his position. "I think they know," he tried to put her at ease.

"Know what?"

"That something happened between us on New Earth."

"Well they're not stupid."

He agreed, "I don't think anyone could accuse our crew of not having incredible insight."

Grinning she looked briefly across all of the men and women in her crew, "or gossiping either," she added.

"I wonder what they say…"

She laughed lightly, "you don't want to know."

Looking down at her he raised an eyebrow, "how would you know?"

Shrugging she answered, "I have my ways and sources."

He remembered the countless times she had been aware of ship gossip many days before himself, "I'm going to catch one of your snitches one day."

She just smiled and shuffled a little closer to him on the rock, "good luck with that," it wasn't a confession that she had spies amongst the crew, but more of a challenge for him to find out. "Do you think we'll ever get off this planet?" she asked after a long pause.

Glancing across at her he shook his head, "we don't have many allies in this part of space, and fewer that would delve into the depths of Kazon space… but maybe if Paris is still alive, he might be able to mount some form of rescue mission."

Kathryn sighed, "I hope so."

It wasn't like her to sound so defeatist, to just accept what appeared to be her fate, but he guessed that she was probably just exhausted from the very long day, and the even longer week before that. "It looks like we're stranded again anyway," he pointed out.

She could only chuckle at the irony of the situation they again found themselves in, "I guess. But I much preferred New Earth to this planet."

Taking a look around the cave walls he had to agree with her, "we could call this planet New Vulcan, and then we'd feel a little closer to the alpha quadrant."

It was difficult to bite back the laugh, but she did it anyway just in case Tuvok could over hear their conversation, "I don't think that would be very fair to the vulcans in our crew. But I didn't just mean aesthetically, although we were stranded on New Earth, at least I had you, and that was good enough compensation for never being able to leave the planet's surface."

"We could still be together," he said for the hundredth time, "here, or Voyager, or where ever."

"Do you really think we could separate our personal and professional lives?"

"I promise you Kathryn, it would work… I would do whatever it took to make it work."

She looked up at him for a long moment, wondering not for the first time if it would be worth just throwing caution into the wind to open her heart to him. Eventually she settled back against him, one thing for sure was that she would always wonder what could have been if she never gave a relationship with her first officer a chance.

/\

Two years, two months

When Kathryn woke she instinctively reached an arm across the other side of her bed, when she only came into contact with the sheets she opened an eye and was dismayed to see Chakotay wasn't there. "Computer, time," she called out.

"The time is six hundred hours and forty three minutes," came an automated reply.

Usually after working late Chakotay would let himself into her quarters and climb into bed with her, and usually she didn't know he was there until she woke herself the following morning, she was more than a little disappointed to realise he wasn't sleeping beside her.

A relationship hadn't been planned, it had just sort of happened once they had returned to Voyager from barely surviving an almost demon class planet. Noah had been an excuse for him to come around, and for her to give him access codes to her quarters. The late dinners were excused by his want to make sure that she was eating well. The wine had been a gift from a kind people they had met early on in their journey, and on good authority from Neelix if it wasn't drunk within those first few weeks of their return then it would have gone to waste. The sleeping over was a result of over indulgence in the wine, but after that, they had given up with excuses.

The door to her bedroom opened, and Chakotay poked his head through, but didn't enter straight away. It took her only moments to realise why, as Noah walked into her room, one hand in Chakotay's for support, the other holding a pink rose. She couldn't stop the smile that took over her face when she saw them both. "Happy mothers day," his dimples were evident on his face as he picked up the year and a half old boy and placed him on the bed by his mother.

Noah stuck out his arm to his mother, offering her the rose, "thank you very much Noah," she placed a kiss on the toddler's forehead as she took the rose from him, half an eye on Chakotay as he sat on the other side of their son.

She was then handed a card that Chakotay had been hiding behind his back, she removed the envelope to see a hand print on the front of the card, and inside Chakotay's writing pretending to be from the small boy. "Noah decided which hand he wanted to stick in the paint all by himself," he informed her, a grin still evident on his face.

Kathryn chuckled lightly, then sat up properly and took her son into her arms placing a kiss on his cheek and then proceeding to tickle him, he squealed delightedly before she stopped and held him at arms length, taking in his appearance. He was dressed in a stripy blue and white shirt and cotton dungarees, his feet bare and struggling to find footing as she held him in the air. He had grown so much, and it was only at times like these when she took a long hard look at him that she noticed how much she sometimes missed with having to captain the ship. His first comprehensible word had been spoken in engineering with Carey, he had started crawling for a few days before he allowed her to see him, his first couple of steps had been taken whilst Chakotay was looking after him and she was helpless in the knowledge that she would miss many more important occasions.

"I've given us both the morning off," Chakotay spoke, drawing her attention back to the real world, "and I've booked holodeck time."

She rested Noah back on her lap and then looked across at him with a frown, "why did you decide on a pink rose?"

He shrugged, "you like pink, you love roses… any preferences for what you want to do this morning, or shall I just stick to my original surprise."

"Why do you celebrate mothers day?"

"Is everything okay?"

"Chakotay…" she pleaded.

"I celebrate mothers day for the same reason that everyone else does; it's traditional, and despite its religious routes it's the most popular day for children to celebrate their mothers, is that okay with you?"

She sighed and shook her head looking down at the rose in her hand, "it's just odd you chose a pink rose."

"Why? You didn't like the one I got Tuvok to send you last year?" he gave her a knowing smile.

"That was you?" she looked up at him with surprise.

He chuckled lightly, "well, I mentioned it to Tuvok, he came up with the plan, and I chose the rose; it's the same my father used to give to my mother on our equivalent to mothers day."

Reaching out she placed a hand on his cheek, "thank you."

Kissing her palm he shook his head, "no, thank you."

"For what?"

He almost laughed at her words and at the bafflement plastered over her face, "for giving me my son," he replied, "for allowing me to be in both your lives… for loving me."

She put Noah down, "I don't really think you gave me much of a choice," then she closed the gap between them whispering: "and I'm very grateful for that," before she kissed him on the lips. He returned the kiss, but the moment was broken by their son demanding attention from them both, they laughed and pulled back to watch him attempt to walk unaided on the mattress of the bed, only to topple over. Chakotay decided to take him into the main living area whilst Kathryn got washed and dressed, allowing Noah to walk on a firm surface as he got the breakfast ready.

To be continued.