Disclaimer: Voyager is property of paramount.

Chapter 9: The Captain's Mask

Three years, seven months- (references to message in a bottle)

Chakotay entered what he thought would be a deserted mess hall with his son, only to see that there were still a couple of small lingering groups talking quietly amongst themselves, he was less surprised when he realised they were all Maquis. As he slipped into the kitchen he noticed B'Elanna sitting alone in the corner and instantly his heart went out to her; she was taking the news of the Maquis losses particularly hard, and he could tell that she was disappointed that no one had contacted her directly, even if she did pretend that she didn't care.

After he had warmed up a mug of milk he walked over to where B'Elanna was seated, Noah followed shortly behind when he realised his father had moved from the kitchen. "Hi there," he smiled softly as he sat himself down beside her on the couch.

She frowned, "it's a little late for Noah to be up," she commented.

"We've just been down the holodeck," for any other person he would have left the explanation at that, but she was one of his closest friends so he elaborated. "I'm trying to give my wife some time alone."

B'Elanna looked up, concerned, "bad news?"

He shrugged, "I'm not sure, she hasn't told me yet, but probably."

Noah climbed up onto the couch in-between them and almost as if he sensed B'Elanna's sadness he reached out to hug her. She chuckled softly as she pulled him up onto her lap, "thank you Noah, that's just what I needed."

Chakotay reached across for the mug of warm milk and handed it to his son, who took it and gingerly started to sip the white liquid. They both watched the young boy for a while, neither really wanting to start the conversation, but they both knew they had to at least say something.

"Do they know how many?" she said at last.

He was a moment in replying, then shrugged, "a lot."

"Your sister?"

"She's fine," he assured her, "she never did join the Maquis in the end, and has sent me a letter saying I was stupid to do so in the first place."

"I'd love to meet your sister if we ever get back to the alpha quadrant," she stated.

"When we get back," he corrected, "I'm sure she'd like to meet you too, I think you'd get on well, although you'd probably just end up trading embarrassing stories about me."

"But there are so many," she joked, then sobered, "does she know that you're married?"

He shook his head, "the doctor decided to omit the details of the model Starfleet captain marrying the Maquis she was sent to capture, which is probably for the best, so I think it'll be a surprise for her when we get back and she learns that not only am I married but that I have a son."

Chakotay smiled and reached out to ruffle Noah's hair, but B'Elanna paused and waited until her old friend had pulled back and looked back up at her before she made a response. "Even though he's not really yours?"

Voyager's first officer opened his mouth to say something, then seemed to change his mind and frowned, "I haven't thought of him as anything but my own son for a long while now."

"I guess he's known you as his dad since he's been able to speak," she noted, only now finding it a little odd.

He shrugged starting to feel a little uncomfortable with the conversation, "Kathryn and I have been involved since he was young, I wouldn't want it any other way."

"Did the doctor make arrangements for Noah's father to be informed that he had a son, like Sam's husband was?" she gave him a long look.

Averting her gaze he shook his head, "I don't know."

B'Elanna looked down at the small boy on her lap, "if I didn't know better, I would easily mistake him for your biological son."

Chakotay looked up sharply, not realising until too late that his shocked expression untold every lie he and Kathryn had said up until that point.

"Oh my god," she said slowly.

"B'Elanna," he glanced around the mess hall quickly and seeing that other people were still present he realised his top priority was to avoid a scene, "let me explain."

"Exactly how long have you and captain Janeway been together?" she asked as she placed Noah back onto the couch.

"It's not that simple," he attempted to tell her.

"Fuck you," she shouted, before standing and making her way to the exit.

He stood with the intention of following after her, then Noah said something to him and he remembered that he still had his son to take care of. "Ayala," he called out to one of the former Maquis who was already looking in his direction, "can you take care of Noah? I just have to go and calm B'Elanna down."

The bridge officer nodded, needing no further explanation as B'Elanna was well known for her mood swings, and most people agreed Chakotay was best at dealing with her.

"B'Elanna," he called after her as he caught a glimpse of her turning around a corner, but she didn't stop so he ran to catch up with her. "B'Elanna," he called again, this time closing in on her, but she still refused to turn around. When he was close enough he grabbed her arm, which was almost a mistake as she harshly shook off his hand and turned around to growl at him.

"We thought that you knew what you were doing, we trusted you to do what was best for us Maquis, but you were sleeping with her all of that time; you were only doing what was best for you!" She shouted, not caring who heard her.

For some reason her words angered him and his jaw set, "we stayed on Voyager because they needed us and we needed them."

"But you were sleeping with her," she interrupted.

"Not back then I wasn't," he insisted.

"Then use whatever play on words you want to Chakotay, the fact remains that you're not denying Noah is your son," she pointed out, "and I mean biologically before you give me all the crap about how you've decided to raise him like your own son."

Voyager's first officer ran a hand through his hair, the corridor wasn't his preferred place for a conversation like this, but no one was around so he guessed it would have to do. "The caretaker impregnated Kathryn with my child," he stated.

She looked at him for a long moment, then laughed, "you had me going for a second there, do you really expect me to believe that?"

"Yes," he let out a long breath, "because it's the truth; I didn't even find out until she was five months pregnant, and only because the doctor told me. Kathryn had no intention of telling me that I was the biological father, and when I did find out, she made it perfectly clear to me that she didn't want me to have anything to do with him."

"Why not?" although she wasn't sure whether or not she believed him she did find herself wanting to hear all of his story.

"Because she knew that this would happen," he sighed and relaxed his shoulders when he realised that she wasn't going to make a bolt for it. "The Starfleet Maquis balance on this ship was so fragile that she worried if anyone found out about me being Noah's father that it might further the divide."

"Is that the truth?" she gave him a piercing look.

He rested a hand on her upper arm, "do you really think that captain Janeway would sleep with a random Maquis leader just to ensure loyalty to herself?"

"No," she replied at last, "but you could have told me!"

"Would you have been so quick to understand back then?"

Slowly she shook her head, "I guess not."

Chakotay paused and pursed his lips before continuing, "can you keep this just to yourself?"

"Of course," she shrugged, "but don't you ever plan on telling the rest of the crew?"

There was a long pause from the older man and eventually he shook his head, "maybe," he replied, "I should probably get back to Noah though now."

"Chakotay," she said just as he turned to go.

He looked back at her to see her closing the gap between them as she wrapped her arms around his neck, "congratulations," she said once she had pulled away, alleviating the baffled expression across the commander's face.

His face broke into a smile, "thank you."

-

It was a while later that Chakotay returned to his quarters with a sleeping Noah held in his arms. His wife looked up at him from the couch as he entered, and they exchanged a brief smile as he walked directly through to their son's bedroom. Having changed the boy into his pyjamas and tucked him in for the night he re-emerged from the small room to see Kathryn still sprawled out across the couch, her head turned and eyes gazing out to the stars.

He made his way over to her and sat down beside her, laying an arm across the back of the couch and turning his body slightly to face her. He reached out a hand to cover her own that she was resting on her knee and gripped it loosely, running his thumb over the back of her hand. She responded by turning around to face him, and after a moment their eyes met. "I received a letter from Mark," she said at last.

He nodded, but didn't say anything, allowing her to tell him in her own time.

"He became engaged to a woman who he's working with a couple of months ago," she stated.

He was a moment in responding, but then squeezed her hand, "it's good to know he's moved on."

She looked up at him, "it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty."

"About what?" he frowned.

"About us," she replied honestly, "Mark was so apologetic in his letter, but here I am, married to you, raising a son that could have been his… three years ago I was still making plans to marry that man, I just can't help feeling that I've betrayed him in some way."

"You've moved on like he has," he tried to reassure her, "you haven't betrayed him."

Kathryn looked down, "I never loved him like I love you," she said quietly.

Chakotay smiled softly at her words, then slowly took her hand fully into his own and brought it up to his lips. He watched her face, her eyes still fixed down into her lap, and emotions playing across her face. He kissed the back of her hand gently, then turned it over and brushed his lips against her palm, making a trail of kisses up to the front of her wrist. Before he could make any further advances though she pulled her hand free of his grasp, and again turned away from him to fix her eyes on the stars.

For a long while he watched her, and slowly realised that she had no intention of telling him anything else that was on her mind. Inwardly he sighed and glanced at the chronometer, it read twenty two hundred, he knew he had to be on duty by eight hundred hours the next morning and reasoned with himself that he should probably go to bed. He looked back across at his wife, her chin now rested on the fist she had made of her hand, her wedding ring sparkling in the light. Unconsciously he touched his own gold band, and twisted it round on his finger.

"When are you coming to bed?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," she answered, "I've got some work to do."

He paused, he knew she was lying, if she really did have work to do she would have been doing it now rather than sitting staring out of the view port.

"Is there anything else on your mind?" he pressed.

Finally she looked across at him, "what do you mean?"

Chakotay shrugged, "you've been a little distant these past few months," he pointed out.

Something close to anger flashed across her eyes before it disappeared, "you mean since I miscarried our daughter I haven't been having sex with you?"

He let out a long breath, now regretting having brought it up, "I will wait until whenever you're ready," he assured her, "if it's time that you want. But if it's something that I can do, or that maybe the doctor…"

"I'm fine," she cut in.

"Are you worried about getting pregnant again?" he asked, trying his best to ignore her snappy tone.

"I said I'm fine," she gave him a cold glare that really did make him feel uncomfortable.

There was only so much of her pushing him away that he could handle in one night, and he was coming close to his limit, "okay," he backed off, "you'll probably wait until I'm asleep before you come to bed," he reminded her of what had become customary now in their relationship, "so I'll see you in the morning."

He walked off in the direction of their bedroom, and as predicted didn't see her again until he found her sleeping beside him the next morning.

/\

Three years, eight months

There were a tense few minutes on the bridge as they all waited nervously for B'Elanna to report to them. Finally, the bridge lit up as they came off emergency power and Kathryn's badge chirped as a com link was opened from engineering. "The warp core is back online," the engineer reported.

Everyone on the bridge visibly relaxed, then they heard Harry's voice from engineering, "ninety seven percent, ninety nine, one hundred and one," they could actually hear his smile as he paused, "captain, warp core efficiency has been improved by four percent."

Turning to face Chakotay the commanding officers exchanged a smile, "well done," she praised, her com badge still active.

"I recommend that you wait four point five three minutes before starting up engines," they then heard the stoic voice of Seven, "I will need some time to confirm that the Borg technology has been properly integrated into the ship's systems."

Kathryn nodded to herself and out of the corner of her eye saw Tom turn around from his station and shoot her an annoyed look; he hated leaving Voyager adrift. Ignoring his obvious discomfort at not having control of the ship she turned to her first officer, "I'm going down to engineering to see how they're doing," she explained as she stood from her chair.

To her surprise he stood also, "I'll come with you," he said, and before she could protest he looked over at the chief of security, "looks like you have the bridge Tuvok."

Tuvok nodded solemnly, and handed over control of his station to another officer as they walked passed him and entered the turbo lift.

"Engineering," she instructed the computer once the doors had closed, then without looking around at Chakotay who was stood beside her she asked: "any particular reason you've decided to come with me?"

He shrugged, "I want to be able to pull you out of there as soon as it looks like you're starting to get on B'Elanna's nerves."

She raised an eyebrow and turned to meet his gaze, "I never get on B'Elanna's nerves."

Chakotay grinned, "any inspection from the captain is nerve racking," he explained, "you also have a habit of staying longer than necessary in engineering, and seeing as B'Elanna hasn't had sleep for twenty four hours, and has been forced to work with Seven for the past few days… I don't want things turning nasty."

"Do you think it was a mistake to make those two work together?" she asked.

He was about to say that it had been a mistake to allow the Borg drone to stay aboard Voyager, but decided that it was probably best to keep that particular opinion to himself. About to say instead that they had to learn to work with each other sooner or later, his words were cut short as the lights flickered and then cut out completely before the turbo lift suddenly shook, throwing them both against the wall. It didn't take either of them too long to work out that the turbo lift had stopped. Kathryn slapped her com badge, "Janeway to the bridge, report?"

It was Tuvok who replied, "the warp core has shut down, I am certain as to why."

"Emergency power?" she asked, aware of Chakotay moving around in the darkness.

"Online, but there has been a severe power loss."

"B'Elanna to Janeway," the transmission was interrupted.

"Go ahead B'Elanna."

"There has been an integration problem with the Borg technology," she sounded as if she was hurriedly moving about, "there was an explosion on deck nine, we had to shut down the warp core to prevent damage from an energy back flow, emergency power was used to contain the explosion as soon as we noticed the build up. I'm heading down there now with Seven to re-establish a connection."

"How long with that take?" Kathryn asked.

There was a short pause, "an hour or so," came the reply, "we're having to get there by foot because turbo lifts are down."

"I'm aware of that," she said through gritted teeth, "I'm in one right now."

"Oh," it was a moment before she replied, "I'm afraid that you're going to be there for a while captain."

"Is transport not possible?"

"Not with the power shortage, Harry is prioritising systems, I'm afraid transporters aren't one of them."

She sighed, "let me know of your progress."

"I will," came the reply before the communication was ended.

Chakotay was now sat beside her in the pitch black space, "so much for warp core efficiency."

"Don't say it," she leaned back against the wall.

"Say what?" she could almost feel him smiling.

"That you warned me about using the Borg technology."

He laughed, "I guess 'I told you so' isn't really going to help anything right now is it?"

She rolled her eyes, "not really."

Suddenly the lights in the turbo lift again flickered and they found themselves bathed in the soft glow of emergency illumination. "It seems that Harry has prioritised lighting," he commented.

Kathryn squinted a little as her pupils became accustomed to the change, "he could have at least made one, small, site to site transport."

Chuckling lightly, he shuffled a little closer to her, "it can't be so bad being stuck alone in a turbo lift with me," he said suggestively, leaning down to place his lips to her neck.

There was barely a chance for his lips to make contact with her skin as she pulled away, leaning her body to one side until he had moved back, at which point she returned to her previous position, leaving him feeling somewhat rejected. "We're on duty," she reminded him.

"We're stuck in a turbo lift," he pointed out, "and likely to be here for some time…"

"The doesn't automatically mean we should have sex," she snapped.

"I wasn't…" he was about to say that hadn't been his intention, but he cut himself short, "I'm sorry."

She looked away from him, and getting the message he moved further away from her and sat back against the wall of the turbo lift, preparing to endure what would no doubt be a very long and uncomfortable silence.

Half an hour passed and they still hadn't spoken to one another. She would occasionally ask the computer for the time, or contact the bridge for an update, but other than that, it was the only occasion that she said anything. Chakotay was sat with his eyes closed, head leant back against the wall half in meditation but unable to enter fully into one that he was used to experiencing without the help of his akoohna. Unable to fully centre his thoughts, he was constantly aware of a very agitated Kathryn Janeway sitting close by him, tapping her fingers in a repetitive and obviously frustrated fashion.

Opening an eye he looked across at her, trying to decide whether or not to air the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind the past few weeks. He realised that if he was ever to bring up the topic, this was the best opportunity that he had ever been given, as it was the one time where she didn't have the option of avoiding him, by walking off or hiding herself away in her office from him.

"It's not about the miscarriage anymore is it?" he asked at last.

Her head shot round sharply, and a confused expression consumed her face, "what isn't?"

Shrugging he shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, "you're pushing me away, and I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that we lost our baby."

"Is this about sex?"

"No," he quickly interjected, "this is about you working late, missing dinner, spending most of your time in your office in preference to the bridge… you don't let me touch you, you won't speak to me, and I'm finding it hard to speak to you," he paused and took a long breath, "I get the feeling that you're avoiding me, that you don't want to be with me any more."

"Chakotay, I love you," she told him, thinking that it might be enough to quell his worries.

It wasn't enough though, and he felt he had to press the issue further, "I'm not questioning that," he assured her, "but things haven't been right between us for a long while. Not since we were in Borg space, or before then with our previous Borg encounter…" he decided not to go into details. "We were able to pretend that things were okay when you were pregnant, but I think we both know that the pretence has come to an end."

"I just need some more time," she insisted, "I've forgiven you for the affair, I know that it's not something you would have normally done had you been thinking straight. It's taken me a while, but I do trust you again."

"It's not just about trust though," he sighed, wondering how to put his feelings into words, "our relationship isn't what it used to be, I think we both need some time to figure out how we should continue."

She shot him a small smile, "I agree."

Although she may have agreed, he wasn't sure she completely understood what he was suggesting, "I think we both also need some space."

A frown consumed her face, "what do you mean by space?"

"Some time apart," he elaborated, "maybe I should move out for a while back into my old quarters."

"A separation?" she interpreted.

"No," the word sounded too defeatist, but he realised that was probably what it really was, "we'll just live apart for a short while until we can figure out a way to recover our marriage."

"You're giving up," she stated.

"I'm not giving up," he was quick to counter, "you know this is for the best."

"We're still going to see each other every day on the bridge," Kathryn reminded him, "I don't see how that fits in with your idea of us having some time apart."

He sighed, she had a point. "I know, but I'd like to think that we can keep our personal and professional lives separate from each other."

"You know it hasn't worked out that way," she snapped, "our arguments on the bridge end up in our quarters, and our personal disagreements disrupt our duties."

"I think that's part of our problem," he said, his bottom jaw set as he struggled to make her see his point of view.

"A problem you assured me we wouldn't have before we got married," she reminded him, her voice rising as her anger started to get the better of her.

Folding his arms he turned away from her, "I guess I was wrong."

"If you move out, don't expect me to take you back," she threatened.

"Then don't expect me back," he replied harshly, refusing to meet her angry gaze.

Wanting to yell at him, and to hurt him as he was hurting her it took her a while to realise that the turbo lift was again moving. "Bridge to Janeway," it was Tuvok.

She was a moment in replying as she stood from the floor and composed herself, "go ahead."

"The turbo lift should now be working," he stated.

"It is," she confirmed, "that was faster than I expected."

"Apparently Seven was quick to diagnose and rectify the problem," he explained.

Glancing across at Chakotay who was now standing she replied, "I'll have to thank her later," before she cut the com link.

The doors opened and she stepped out, but Chakotay didn't follow and she shot him a questioning look as if to ask why. "I'll go back up to the bridge," he said quietly.

Kathryn nodded, reluctantly realising that they would have to finish their conversation another time. She watched the doors close between them and soon found herself alone in the corridor. Taking a moment to clear her mind of the problems concerning her marriage and pulling on the captain's mask she turned away from the doors of the turbo lift and headed for engineering.

To be continued.