Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and its characters.

Authors note:

This chapter has taken me for ever to write! For some reason the ending never felt right, so I kept rewriting it, and many hours later I'm still not completely satisfied, but it's as good as it's going to get so please don't ask me to make any alterations… I need sleep. Anyway, I'm a little worried that you're all going to come after me with knives at the end of this, so just remember that I do have a master plan, and that in time it will all come together. I promise.

Chapter 10: Disaster On Hold

Three years, nine months- The killing game

Kathryn Janeway lay back in her bed acutely aware of the sunlight streaming through the bedroom window. Hands ran all over her naked body and open kisses were placed over every part of her cream white skin, eventually forming a trail that led up to her neck, then up to her jaw line… she pulled away before he met her lips. As she sat up and pulled the sheets back he slumped back against the mattress and watched her with vague annoyance as she swung her legs down to the floor.

"We don't have to be up for another hour or so," he reminded her.

"I want to take a shower," she stated without looking at him.

The last night had been their first night together, and he realised that for whatever reason she was feeling ashamed by what had happened. "Come back to bed," he pleaded, "we can take a shower together later."

She didn't answer, so he took a stab at what, or who was bothering her. "You called out a name last night," he reminded her, "'Chakotay'. Who is he?"

Slowly she turned around to face the man in her bed and met his eyes with her own, "my husband," she explained.

"Expecting him back?" he asked with a quirky grin.

"Not right now," she replied honestly, vaguely aware of how strange this conversation was, "we're separated."

"Then what's the problem?" he frowned.

She gave him a long look, "I still love him."

He looked up at the ceiling for a moment, "does he still love you?"

Kathryn reached out for her dressing gown and stood up, "I don't know," she answered honestly, remembering the way that Chakotay had announced he was moving back into his old quarters a month previously, and the argument that had followed. Shaking off the memories she pulled on the holographic garment and made her way over to the ensuite bathroom door, the stranger in her bed was gone by the time she got back.

-

Chakotay sat in his office reading through the reports of the latest incident aboard Voyager when the door chime sounded. "Enter," he called out, putting the padd down to one side. It was Tom Paris. "What can I do for you Tom?"

The lieutenant entered further into the space and held out yet another padd, "the captain wanted me to give you this; I think it's the brief for tomorrow morning."

He held out a hand to accept the padd and was about to say goodbye and thank Tom when he saw the younger man take a seat opposite him. "Anything else?" he asked cautiously.

"I just wondered why the captain couldn't bring you the brief herself," he folded his arms and leant back in his chair.

Chakotay shrugged, "I guess she's busy."

"She was sat on the bridge chatting to Tuvok when I left to come in here," he stated, "and they weren't talking about ship business."

A small grin crept across the first officer's face, "did you tell the captain that she could walk over here and deliver the padd herself?"

Paris almost slipped out of his seat in shock at such a suggestion, "and risk being placed in a torpedo launch hole and fired out of the ship?"

Chakotay laughed, "and what makes you think I'm not going to do that same?"

"Because, by my count, you still owe me your life," it was a reminder of when Tom had rescued him back on the ocampan home world.

The older man just smiled and shook his head, "I saved you from the maquis on this ship many times during the first few months out here, if anything, you owe me!"

"Okay, whatever," Tom held up a hand in defeat, "that's not the reason why I'm here."

"Then please get to the point." Although Chakotay's voice was still the calm and mellow tone that it usually was, there was a little more of an edge to it now.

The pilot sighed, "remember when you and the captain announced that you had gotten married to the rest of the crew?"

"Just about," he said cautiously.

"And you promised us that you would always put the ship first, and that you would do your best not to allow anything that may happen in your personal lives to interfere with your duties?"

Chakotay was starting to see what Tom was getting at, "right…"

"Well you're kind of breaking that promise," he stated. The first officer opened his mouth to retort, but Paris decided to cut him off before he could make a response. "I don't know what you and the captain are going through, and that's none of my business, but as a member of this crew it is my business to point out that you're allowing your relationship with the captain to interfere with your duties."

There was a long moment that followed in which neither man said anything, and Tom started to wonder if he should have just followed Harry's advice and kept out of it. Then finally his commanding officer slumped back in his chair and gave him a tired look, "I pressured her into a relationship Tom, she told me it wouldn't work and so I promised her it would. I countered her argument that as the ship's commanding officers a relationship would undermine our duties, and somehow I convinced her to marry me. Now I'm the one backing out and she's just too mad at me to see that everything she predicted has come true… Don't you think I've tried?"

"Then try harder," Tom said insistently, "this ship is falling apart, and you're to blame."

"It's not as simple as that," he felt angry, but his voice sounded closer to exhausted.

"I know," the pilot agreed heatedly, "you had an affair, undermined her orders on one too many occasions and lost your baby, it's sad, but you have to move on one way or another."

"How dare you," he warned and leant forwards ever so slightly in an effort to intimidate the pilot, "you have no right to bring that up."

Tom didn't even batter an eyelid, however he wasn't stupid enough to stay any longer to further provoke his commander, so slowly he stood from his seat. "It seems that no one else on this crew wants to tell you this, so it seems I'm going have to. You have to find a way to make your marriage work, because otherwise there's no way to make your command work." His words had a note of finality to them as he stood to exchange a final look with Chakotay then turned and exited the office before he could be throttled.

-

There were many thoughts and emotions that flickered across Chakotay's face when he opened the doors to his quarters to come face to face with Kathryn, he settled on surprise, then when he saw her own expression he jumped to worry. "Is everything okay?" he frowned, "nothing's happened to Noah?"

"No, Noah's fine" she reassured him, and then he realised she looked a little anxious which was a rare state to see Voyager's captain in, "we need to talk. Can I come in?"

If he had have said he wasn't flabbergasted at her sudden willingness to talk to him he would have been lying, and the only word that made it to his lips was, "sure," as he stepped to one side of the door.

Kathryn entered into her husband's quarters, taking a look around the place she hadn't stepped foot into for over a year since she helped him to pack his things to move in with her. To her disappointment she realised that he looked settled in the place; she had been silently hoping that he was still living out of boxes, that maybe he only saw them living separately as a temporary arrangement until they could work things out.

"Take a seat," he instructed when he saw her standing around awkwardly.

She shot him a short smile, wondering when they had grown so distant that they no longer felt comfortable in one another's presence, and sat herself down on his sofa, watching as he took a seat opposite her in his armchair.

"So what did you come here to talk to me about?" he asked, deciding to let her take the lead on this one.

From her long pause he could tell that she was feeling very reluctant to confront the topic, but he knew that it had to be her that raised it, as there was no other way of settling it with her. She looked awkward for another moment, then he saw her face suddenly flick into a forced confidence as she met his eyes, "I wanted to know whether or not you have any plans on moving back into my quarters."

He looked at her for a short moment, her words unexpected. He got the distinct feeling that either she was trying to edge around the subject of their relationship, or had just come to his quarters to be malicious, he knew she wasn't totally above stooping to such a level. "What?" he frowned, still not sure of the relevance of her enquiries.

"I've been finding your things all over the place over the past four weeks," she explained, her expression now giving away very little, "I want to know whether I should bring them all over here, or if I should just wait until you've finished making your point."

Chakotay had to force himself not to jump up from his seat at her last sentence, "and what point do you think I'm trying to make?" he asked quietly instead.

"That your unhappy, that I'm not being the wife you want me to be, you want more shore leave, you're fed up with me using up replicater rations on coffee…" she shrugged, "I'm really not sure what point you're trying to make."

"How about: our marriage isn't working, and I'm fed up with you ignoring that fact," he folded his arms.

"You want a divorce?" she tempted him.

"No," he gave her the expected answer, "but I want you to tell me why we shouldn't."

He tried his best not to grin when he saw her face suddenly drop as he rolled the ball into her court, and she was forced to choose between winning the argument or saving her marriage. "We have a son together," she reminded him.

It was a lame reason and they both knew it. "So?"

"So tell me what the hell I'm doing wrong!" she suddenly snapped.

Their eyes locked, hers angry and afraid, his tired and lonely from the fight. "You have to forgive me," he said at last.

"For what?"

"For Riley Frasier," he told her, "for turning this ship around in the face of the Borg, for getting you pregnant," he paused, "and for making you love me."

Kathryn opened her mouth, about to tell him that he was being stupid, that she had long ago forgotten about Frasier and the Borg, that she had wanted the child just as he had, and that her love for him was inevitable. She stopped herself and again met his penetrating gaze, "if you can forgive me."

He frowned, he couldn't think of anything he had to forgive her about. Anything she had wronged him about over the years he had already forgiven and forgotten; he wasn't one to carry a grudge. "There's nothing I need to forgive you for."

"We slept together on the holodeck," she blurted out, "whilst we were living out the lives of people in the Hirogen's version of the second world war… I'd already gotten my memories back, but you were still brainwashed."

Chakotay looked at her for a long moment, unsure what to make of her words, unsure that he'd even heard her right. He wasn't able to remember any of what had happened during the holodeck scenarios, all he did remember was suddenly becoming aware of the French surroundings of the simulation before finding himself fighting the Hirogen for control of the ship. In the three days since then he had noticed that Kathryn was more distant towards him than what had become normal, and had been actively avoiding him since, but he had never suspected that anything might have happened. Finally he looked back round at her, "get out."

"Chakotay…" she reached out to him.

He stood before she had a chance to place her hand on him, and took some steps to give them some distance, feelings of hurt and betrayal coming close to overwhelming him, "please leave."

Under his angry glare she suddenly felt very threatened, and although he had never hurt her and she was sure he never would, she knew that he was using every ounce of self control to prevent himself from chucking her out of his quarters. She stood and made her way over to the doors, turning around just before she exited to she him with his back to her, gripping tightly onto the back of a chair, she didn't stay long enough to find out what he did next.

/\

Three years, ten months- Unforgettable

A long silence followed after Chakotay had handed the padd to Voyager's captain, and as he patiently stood in front of her desk waiting for her response, he realised the longer it took her to respond the worse the outcome would be for him. Finally she tilted her head to one side, and shifted her eyes to meet his, she frowned, "and this is?"

"My resignation," he informed her.

Slowly she nodded and calmly rested the padd on her desk, she straightened her posture and put her hands together on her lap. "Do you plan on leaving the ship… with Kellin?"

He looked shocked, "no, and no," he answered quickly and reassuringly, "I can't remember what happened with Kellin, and I can't remember falling in love with her like she claims, whatever happened, this has nothing to do with that."

"Then what is this about?" she asked, a hint of anger finally making it into her voice despite her calm exterior.

"This is about what's best for the ship," he replied, "our relationship has been interfering with our duties for too long. You only selected me as your first officer four years ago to keep the peace between our two crews; I think it's time for me to hand over the reins to Tuvok like you should have done a long time ago."

Kathryn continued to look at him, the setting of her jaw telling him that she wasn't going to allow him to leave her office until he either withdrew his resignation, or convinced her that it was the right thing to do. "And what position would you take instead?"

"There would be an opening for security chief," he shrugged, "I probably wouldn't be as… efficient as Tuvok, but I know my way around tactical and I'm confident I could…"

"No," she interrupted him.

He met her gaze with a soft expression, "Kathryn, you know this is the right thing to do for the ship."

"Not for me," her words surprised him and he watched as she stood from her desk and quickly crossed her office to the view port. She stood with her back to him for a long while as he waited for her to explain herself, finally her shoulders sagged and she placed a steadying hand against the wall. "I need you Chakotay," she said at last, her voice nothing more than an unintentional whisper.

"Kathryn… of course I will always be here for you," he let out a sigh, "I don't know if we can make our marriage work, but if it's to stand a chance, we need to do this."

"I don't need you in my bed," her head shot round sharply, "I need you on the bridge, sat beside me!" She realised that she was allowing her anger and frustration towards him to get the better of her and so she took a long calming breath, "of course I want our marriage to work, but this ship and crew takes precedence over what I want… we started commanding this ship out here together, and I can't do this without you Chakotay."

"I'm still going to be here," he insisted, "just not as your first officer."

"I'm not accepting your resignation, so you can return to duty commander."

He looked at her for a long moment, "is that it?"

She frowned, "is what it?"

"Does it not concern you that this crew is suffering because our command team isn't working from the failure of our marriage?" he gave her a desperate look, "it seems that we can't work together, and apparently you can't work without me."

"Maybe a mutiny is in order," she suggested sarcastically.

"Maybe it would be if you weren't such a good captain," he countered.

"I'm only a decent captain because of you," she tried again to explain, this time only to receive a baffled expression from her husband. "You're the only one who will argue with me, tell me honestly when I'm being selfish or disregarding what's best for Voyager, I trust you completely with this ship when I'm not on the bridge, and most importantly I feel I can discuss anything with you."

"Just not our relationship," he ended for her.

She looked across at him, her mask slipped for a moment as he caught her off guard with a personal comment, and for a nano second he caught sight of the worry, stress, pain and guilt that she had been subject to experience since they had become stranded in the delta quadrant. It was on rare occasions like this when he was again reminded of the true pressure of her command, and also of his promise to do whatever it took to lighten that burden. Inwardly he sighed, although he didn't regret his promise, it did make him realise that if his assistance in her command was what she needed, then there were no two ways about it and he may have to make the choice to sacrifice their marriage for their command.

"Fine," the mask came back up and she made her way over to her sofa and sat herself down, crossed her legs and folded her arms, "let's discuss our relationship."

Her snappy tone did not go unnoticed by him, and despite his uncertainty over how genuine her offer to talk was, he decided that it was as good an offer as she had ever given him. "Okay," he said at last.

"Any particular place you'd like to start? Or shall we just skip to your most recent affair?" she suggested, her voice still clipped.

"We're separated," he reminded her, "Kellin was probably just my way of getting back at you after the way you used me on the holodeck."

"I said I'm sorry for that," she said quietly, not wanting to be reminded of it any further.

"I'm still not sure if I should consider it an affair with another man, or just another night I'm never going to remember, like Kellin. Either way, I feel betrayed by you," he admitted, "but I've already started to forgive you… maybe that's why I couldn't fall for Kellin a second time around."

"When's she going back?" she changed the topic slightly.

"Her ship will arrive for her in two hours," he informed her, then let out a long breath. "Kathryn, I didn't move out because I didn't want to be with you, or because I want to see other women. I did it because you needed to think about what you really wanted from our marriage. I wish I could give you more time, but I think we have to start making some decisions now before we tare this ship apart. What do you want from me?"

"What we had on New Earth," she replied honestly, "but realistically all I can have is your friendship Chakotay, I think we both know that this relationship isn't working and we need to find a compromise that will work."

It took him a moment to process what she was saying, for he had half expected her to ask him to move back into her quarters, to again be the husband that she had married, and to be the father that he had been becoming. "And you think that abandoning our marriage and settling on a friendship is the compromise that we need?"

"Yes," she said simply.

He paused for a moment to think and ran a hand through his hair before finally looking across at her, "it's not like you to give up."

A small smile made it to her lips, "I'm not giving up on this marriage, I'm just putting a disaster on hold."

He nodded, "I'm not ready to give up either… I love you too much. "

"I love you too," it wasn't a confession, more of a reminder.

Chakotay smiled softly, his dimples almost melting her, "if we weren't on Voyager…"

"It would be a lot easier," she finished for him.

"You make it sound like this is it."

"It kind of is."

He paused for a short time as her words sunk in, "for now anyway." The conversation trailed to a comfortable end, and a weird sort of resolution had been reached. "I'd like to withdraw my resignation," he announced.

She smiled, "what resignation?"

To be continued