Disclaimer: Paramount owns all.
Chapter 12: To lessen the guilt
Four years, seven months- Dark Frontier
It had been a while since Voyager's commanding officers had simply sat down to enjoy a meal with one another, without the conversation centring on work or interruptions from the bridge or a young child to feed at the same time. Chakotay realised that he missed it; the companionship late in the evening, the friendly banter and casual conversation that they easily engaged in, the glass of wine with a meal and the bitter taste of coffee afterwards, just small things that over the past year that they had been separated he had experienced very little of.
Having replicated coffee, Chakotay walked over to the sofa where she was sat, "I'm not going to be able to talk you out of this am I?" he broached the topic they had previously agreed to avoid.
With her head rested on her fist she shook her head, and he could see her bracing herself for another argument, "no," she replied firmly.
He let out an audible sigh, knowing defeat when he felt it. Deciding that she was now far beyond reason he handed her one of the coffees and took a seat beside her. "Promise me that you'll come back in one piece," he met her gaze with a determined look.
Kathryn nodded slowly, "I will."
Giving her a lingering look he eventually broke eye contact and took a sip of the replicated black liquid. "Do you mind me asking you something?" he said after a long silence had passed.
Looking a little uncertain she narrowed her eyes at him, "depends on what you want to ask."
"Why is Seven so important to you?" he dared the question.
She frowned, "I would be doing the same right now for any member of this crew, Seven is no exception."
He bit his lip, wondering whether or not he should continue knowing that it could easily turn nasty, he decided to brave it. "I know, that's your excuse right now. But in the past, you've always been more lenient with Seven than other member of this crew; you've given her more freedom and more of your attention…"
"Is this about jealousy Chakotay?" she interrupted, "about me spending more time lately with her rather than you?"
"Kathryn," he tried to calm her down, but it was to no avail.
"She has required more of my attention because she needs help in recovering her humanity, in discovering the individual that she has the potential to be." Her voice hinted on anger; their many disagreements lately had been over Seven, and he felt there would be many more to come if their plan succeeded.
"Why make it your personal mission though?" he pressed.
"I'm the captain," she needlessly reminded him, "I'm responsible for every member of this crew."
"You're also a mother," he felt that he needed to remind her of that.
She shot him a confused expression, "so?"
"Lately you've been neglecting your son in favour of a Borg drone," the bitterness did not escape his words, and it managed to stun her into a short silence.
"Sometimes this crew and ship have to come before Noah, you know that," she reminded him.
"Sometimes, but not all of the time," he countered.
"Is this still about Seven?"
"No, not just her," he admitted, "this is about you centring your life on this ship, on your work, on getting this crew home, and yes, on Seven."
"I'm the captain," she replied, her teeth clenching ever so slightly, "there's a price to pay for the larger quarters, the private office and the comfy chair," she pointed out sarcastically.
"But the price is never seeing your son." Chakotay sounded exasperated. "You're not there in the middle of the night when he wakes from a bad dream, you don't read him bedtime stories, you rarely take him to the holodeck… Kathryn, you're missing out on watching your own son grow up."
"Our son," she interrupted him, deciding to change the direction of conversation, "are you trying to tell me that you're fed up with being a full time father again?"
"No," he said firmly, "I'm just confused as to why you don't want him."
For a long moment their eyes met in a battle of determination and wills, for the first time in a while it was her who gave in and glanced away. Quickly she placed her cup on the short table and stood from the sofa, "I have a busy day tomorrow," she stated without looking at him, "I should be going."
As she took a few steps towards the door to leave she felt a hand grab her arm to halt her exit. Kathryn turned to see that her first officer had jumped up to prevent her leaving, she tugged for him to release her arm, but he gripped it tighter and closed the gap between them. Taking her other arm in his other hand he pulled her almost violently so that she was facing him. "You are not leaving here until you start telling me the truth," he sounded dangerous. As she continued to refuse to meet his gaze, he placed a hand under her chin and forced her to look at him, when she did he was surprised to see that tears were shining in her eyes.
At first she had thought he would release her when he realised that she wasn't going to tell him anything, but he didn't, they remained standing in the middle of his quarters, with him towering over her wearing a furious expression, his jaw muscles flexing under strain, and Kathryn trying her best to hold back tears, all the time it becoming more and more obvious that for once he wasn't going to give in. "Because I don't deserve him," she said at last, breaking down into tears even before she had finished her sentence.
In shock at what she had said his anger suddenly evaporated and was replaced by confusion. He suddenly became aware of his tight grasp of her arm and jaw, and so released her, only to pull her into a loose embrace. She easily melted against him, taking her arms around his waist and burying her face into his chest as she lost complete control of her emotions and allowed the tears to freely fall. "I don't understand," he admitted, placing one hand on the small of her back and the other on her shoulder as he pulled her closer against him.
"I stranded Voyager," she explained between sobs, "I'm responsible for everyone being separated from their families and friends, I had no right to move on the way I did."
For a moment Chakotay experienced complete clarity as to why she was the way she was. At some point she had taken a look at her life and her marriage to him and she had realised she was happy when others weren't because of her actions at destroying the caretaker's array. He had always thought she had been pushing him away because of the miscarriage, and although that may have been part of the reason, he realised that this was a bigger part of it. But it hadn't been enough to drive him away, seven months ago during her depression she had realised that her son made her just if not more happy, and so again, she had made the choice to deny herself even that, because if she were to move on, to her it would lessen the lives of those who had died because of her decision over four and a half years ago not to return to the alpha quadrant.
"I'm still here because of you," he mumbled into her hair, in such a low voice it took her a short time to realise what he had said, and by the point he was already continuing. "Us maquis would have either died in the badlands fighting the Cardassians, or we would have rotted away in a federation prison. Many people are better off for your decision."
Placing a hand on his chest she pulled back a little and looked up at him, "but most are suffering because I destroyed that array."
"To save an entire planet," he reminded her, reaching up to place his hand gently against the side of her face, wiping away tears with his thumb. "I wish I could have given that order to save you from this guilt," he told her with complete sincerity.
"I guess that's why Seven is so important," she said at last, but only to receive a frown from him, "because saving her from the Borg lessens the guilt, and spending my time on her takes my mind off that which remains."
Sometimes he didn't understand the depths of compassion she reached, the responsibility she had decided to take squarely on her own shoulders and the reasoning she used to shutting herself off emotionally. But at times like this all he had to understand was that this was Kathryn, and although she was stubborn, and obsessive, and practical, and difficult at the best of times, she was also kind, loving, wise, genuine and caring to the point of always putting others before herself… and that was why he loved her, and there was nothing he could ever hope to do about it, other than stand, and watch and catch her when she fell.
He met her deep blue eyes with his own dark brown and noticed that the tears had stopped falling, and now she looked up at him expectantly, waiting for him to either release her, or find an excuse to hold onto her for longer. Letting out a long breath he took his hand from her cheek and raised it to the top of her hair, running his fingers through the shortened silky strands, before resting his palm against the side of her neck. He ran his thumb slowly across her jaw line, and with his eyes asked her a question his lips still weren't ready to interpret. She didn't move away from him, and so he gradually closed the gap between their two bodies, leant his head down to brush his lips against hers.
For the longest of moments that Chakotay had ever experienced their lips simply touched, they didn't part and they didn't move, they just rested against one another in a very tender and natural fashion. They were barely touching, but if felt intense and passionate all the same as if he were kissing her deeply and with intension. When he did pull away it wasn't to apologise or to make a further advance but to put into words what he wanted from her. "Stay with me tonight."
His voice was filled with emotion, and his eyes displayed those emotions perfectly for her. Worry, regret, pain, lust and of course love, but mostly she just saw his desperation not to lose her. "It can only be for tonight," she informed him.
"That's enough," he lied.
Slowly she nodded, and before she knew what was happening he had pulled her into his arms and was showing her the many ways that he had missed her during their time apart.
/\
Four years, nine months
Amongst the large group that was gathered in the mess hall it was only Seven who stood with a puzzled expression, which was unexpected as she was one of the few who had not actually been surprised by Chakotay's announcement two days previously. She turned to Harry, who was stood beside her with a glass of fruit punch in his hand and just ending a conversation with Chell.
"Lieutenant, I am confused towards the crew's reaction to this news," she said once his attention was upon her.
He frowned, "how do you mean?"
"It is as if no one knew."
"We didn't," he responded.
"You didn't know that Noah Janeway was Chakotay's son?" she looked all the more confused.
"No," he shook his head, "did you?"
"Of course," she stated in a matter-of-fact sort of way. "When I came aboard Voyager, I was quickly aware of the family unit involving the captain, commander and their son; it was one of the first studies that I made of humanity. Janeway and the commander were involved in an intimate relationship that they had confirmed with their marriage. They both showed obvious affection towards Noah and he to them which clearly indicated that he was their child. The three of them shared the same quarters… which at the time I thought was essential for a family unit to exist, but since, I have observed that it is not necessary…"
"Seven," he held up a hand to stop her, "we were all aware that they had become a family, what none of us knew was that Noah was Chakotay's biological son… The captain and commander were not involved until a couple of years into our journey, and so we had all assumed that Chakotay had decided to adopt Noah and raise him as his own child."
"Then you were not aware of the phenotypic resemblance between father and son?" she asked.
It took him a moment to realise what she meant, then he nodded, "we were aware that they looked alike, but none of us had met the captain's fiancé who she had said was the father, so we never put two and two together."
She nodded, slowly, "are you not angry at having been deceived for so long?"
Harry shook his head and smiled, "the way Chakotay explained it, I think they both made the best decision in not telling us at the time."
"Not everyone would agree with you though," she reminded him of the obvious absence of some of the maquis crew at the birthday celebration.
"They're just shocked Seven," he explained, "some of Chakotay's friends are upset as they feel like he didn't trust them enough to tell them."
"B'Elanna Torres is here," she noted, "I would have expected her to be most disappointed."
Frowning he glanced over to see the half Klingon with her arm around Tom's as they both chatted to Neelix. "I have a feeling that she might have known," he said, only just forming the hypothesis as he spoke.
The Borg drone seemed content with the ensign's attempt to answer her question, and she was sure that the doctor would be able to answer the further questions that she wished to ask regarding the history and relationship between Voyager's command team. "Thank you for your insight ensign," she said politely, before walking off in the direction of Tuvok.
He stood by himself for a short while before he saw that Chakotay was finally alone as he approached the drinks table to help himself to a glass of the punch, that may or may not have been spiked by Tom.
"Commander," he greeted once he had crossed the room.
"Harry," Chakotay smiled.
"I wish to give you a very belated congratulations."
"I've been getting that quite a lot these past couple of days," he didn't seem at all annoyed by it, "thank you, and thank you for the present you gave Noah; he loves stories, especially now that he can read them himself."
The not so young ensign smiled, "I hear that you and the captain plan on including Noah in Naomi's lessons?"
"That's right."
"I was wondering if maybe I could do some teaching?"
Chakotay nodded, "sure, what subject do you have in mind?"
"Music," he said, encouraged when his commander's face broke into an even wider smile at the suggestion, "I play the clarinet, and thought maybe I could cover my own instrument and also the theory."
"That's a wonderful idea," he said honestly, surprised that no one else had yet suggested it. "I'll let Neelix know, and we'll place you on the school schedule. How about we start off at once every other week, and then build it up to once a week as they both get older?"
Harry nodded enthusiastically, "that sounds great."
They talked for a little longer, which was unusual as the two men very rarely engaged in one to one conversation. It wasn't that they didn't like one another, or that they didn't get on, it was just that they both moved within very different circles on the ship, and it wasn't very often that they had the chance to get to know one another. When Neelix came out with Noah's fourth birthday cake, the entire room erupted into song, but Harry and Chakotay hardly noticed as they became separated within the large group.
Naomi sat beside the birthday boy as he knelt on his chair to blow out the candles, encouraging him as he blew them all out in one breath. Kathryn, who was stood behind Noah's chair looked up when she felt the pressure of a hand on her shoulder, carrying over the smile she had held whilst watching her son with his cake. "They grow up so fast," Chakotay commented, his eyes drifting towards Noah.
She let out a long sigh, "too fast."
Again he met her gaze, not for the first or last time wondering what she was really thinking. They would probably have gazed into one another's eyes indefinitely if it hadn't have been for Neelix offering them both a slice of cake. "I'm okay thank you," Kathryn kindly declined, but feeling cruel she added, "but Chakotay was just saying he was most looking forward to some himself." She could feel his hand squeeze her shoulder a little too tightly as her husband realised he was going to have to risk Neelix's cooking himself, she took her glass of juice to her lips in an attempt to hide her grin.
Chakotay held his plate in his hand and examined the green cake for a little longer than was necessary. When he saw the two children enjoying their own food he decided to force the icing covered sponge past his mouth and down his gullet as quickly as he could, vaguely aware that Kathryn was trying her best to avoid laughing whilst in the presence of ship's cook.
"Wow," he said in a low voice even though Neelix was out of earshot, "this is actually quite good," he made a point of chewing the cake.
She frowned, not sure whether or not she trusted him, "really?"
He pulled on a shocked expression, "do you really think anyone could pretend to like Neelix's cooking?"
Deciding that maybe he was telling the truth she reached out to take a piece of his cake, only to have him pull the plate away from her, "get your own slice," he instructed.
Kathryn looked a little annoyed, "Chakotay, just let me try some."
"No," he said firmly, and she could see he really had no intention of sharing.
She turned to Noah, and saw that he still had some cake remaining on his plate. "Honey, can I just try a bit of this?" she didn't really ask for permission from her young son as she reached out and took some anyway.
"Mummy," Noah complained as she placed a piece of the sponge in her mouth.
For a moment Kathryn wondered why Chakotay was suddenly grinning, then she tasted it: Leola root, her face dropped. "Keep chewing Kathryn," he leant towards her to whisper, "and smile before Neelix sees you're not enjoying his cake."
"Daddy," Noah looked to his father for support, "mummy just stole my birthday cake."
"It's okay son," he chuckled as Kathryn struggled to swallow, "you can have mine."
"I think we're even now," he declared once he was rid of his plate.
"Who puts Leola root in a birthday cake?" she hissed, astounded at the thought.
Chakotay shrugged, "the children seem to like it."
"Their taste buds have been desensitised with Leola root from a young age," she was quick to comment.
He laughed, "maybe Naomi's have, but I think your cooking was the beginning of the end for Noah's taste buds."
She shot him a semi-serious glare, "is that so?" Chakotay couldn't hide the smirk on his face, "then I guess you're not coming round to my quarters later tonight for dinner?"
His smile dropped, "I thought you were going to replicate."
"I'm not sure what I'm going to do now," her lip quirked up wickedly, "but Noah will be very disappointed if he finds out that we're not all spending the evening together."
"If I bring the last of the Nadocrane cider, do you promise not to poison my food?"
She looked as if she was considering her plea for a moment, "okay," she finally agreed, "but only because I don't like the idea of holding auditions for a new first officer."
-
Two months previously Chakotay had woken in his bed to feel happier and more content than he had in a long time, the reason being that his wife was slept beside him. He had turned onto his side and watched her for a while, studying the peaceful expression of her face, the small movement of her chest as she breathed in and then out, her auburn hair scattered across the pillow… It took him some time to remember that in four hours she would be leaving him for the Borg, he didn't want to think about if she didn't come back to him.
When she had woken it had been with a smile as she saw him lying beside her. Without protest she had lain in the comfort of his embrace, and promised him that she would return in one piece. They had had breakfast, and left for the bridge together, gone through the plan another thousand times, and then said a formal goodbye before she had left for the shuttle bay.
Nothing could have prepared him for the sight of her unconscious body, damaged with Borg implants and severely wounded. Somehow he had convinced himself that it wouldn't be that bad, that he would enter sickbay to see her sitting up and telling the doctor that she didn't require the fuss he was making. If he had have known what would happen, he would never have allowed her to leave. In those few moments as he approached her bio bed, unsure if her ghost white skin would ever return to life, he had hated Seven of Nine. He almost still did.
Since she had recovered and returned to duty their relationship had remained a mystery to him. They had spent that one night together, and had agreed at the time that it would only be the one night, and so far it had remained as such. But he was sure it wasn't just him who had been hoping for more; they had been going out of their way to spend more time with one another, turning up to crew events together, eating many late night meals alone, on and off duty they had been flirting dangerously and he was sure some of the bridge crew were starting to notice the electricity between them as they sat in silence, or engaged in friendly banter, or excused themselves to do work in her ready room.
It was late into the evening, and they sat on the sofa in her quarters with Noah on Kathryn's lap, and Chakotay telling him of who would have been his grandfather, and why they had chosen to give him a second name of Kolopak. They had already enjoyed a replicated meal, and Kathryn sat comfortably with one arm around her son, and her other hand grasping a mug of coffee as she too listened to a rare tale of her husband's life before he had left his home world to join Starfleet. It wasn't often that he spoke of that part of his life, she guessed it had been too painful given what had then happened to his family during the Cardassian attacks, but that had been a long time ago, and now he seemed willing to talk about it, probably having come to some form of understanding of what had happened.
Chakotay trailed off as he noticed the young boy falling asleep in his mother's arms, in a similar way he had first observed on New Earth as he had watched Kathryn read to their then infant child. She looked across at him when she noticed he had stopped, "maybe I'll finish off the story another time," he smiled, vaguely aware of how late it was.
She easily returned the smile, "I'd like to be there when you do."
"Me too," he met her gaze with such intensity that she was forced to look away.
"Chakotay…" she said, trailing off as she was unable to find the right words to say to him.
"I know." Surprised she turned her head to face him, "there's a reason we didn't work the first time."
"Me," she stated.
"No," he said firmly, "Voyager."
Confused she frowned and waited for him to explain.
He let out a long breath, remembering what it had been like whilst they were together, with ship's business constantly getting in the way, the never ending bickering, her guilt, his need for an emotional connection and their eventual resentment of one another. They both knew that they could handle a stolen moment, the occasional night here and there, an intimate friendship, but a romantic relationship destroyed them… at least aboard Voyager. "Out here, on Voyager, our friendship can handle a bump in the road, but anything more will only suffer."
Kathryn realised he had put into words what she hadn't been able to, and she was glad that he too had come to the same conclusion. "We were terrible together weren't we?"
"Well," he smiled softly, vivid memories of New Earth returning to him, "it was wonderful at the beginning."
"I don't think we were ever meant to be together though," she sounded resigned to their fate.
He shook his head in disagreement, "I have never loved another woman the same way, or with the same intensity that I love you, and I know that we're meant to be to together… just not on Voyager."
She laughed, somehow, and somewhat bitterly, "so in fifty years or so when we get back to Earth, we'll be all set."
"If that's how long it takes before I can have you all to myself," he said with such sincerity that she almost believed him.
"You won't wait for me that long," she stated.
He paused, being unrealistic would only make things worse. "But when we do get back, if we're both still available, I'd like us to give this another shot."
It was a few long seconds before she replied, "I would too," the words almost caught in her throat.
Chakotay placed a hand on her shoulder, and then glanced down at the sleeping form of his son, she too noticed his attention shift, but waited patiently for him to say what else was on his mind. "I know we've been spending a lot of time together recently," he said at last, "and I cherish the friendship that we have… but you need to spend more time with Noah as well, it's not fair for him to see you so little."
"If you mean for him to move back in with me…"
"He's settled now," Chakotay moved his hand from her shoulder to his son's head, "but lately he's been asking very little about you. I'm worried that if you distance yourself too much, you're going to miss out on something very special."
"I've been busy recently," it was a lame excuse.
Deciding not to argue he reached out and took Noah from her and into his own arms, "it's getting late, I should probably put him to bed or else he'll be cranky in the morning."
She felt helpless as she watched him standing with her four year old son in his arms, the boy very much a likeness of his father, with the same dark hair, complexion and eyes, it was any wonder why no one had worked out the connection by themselves.
Chakotay had calmly and rationally explained to the crew, at a large social gathering two days previously, that Noah had in fact been a creation of the caretaker's, using Kathryn's DNA and his own. There had been many aghast expressions, and some people had looked about ready to walk out at that point, but Chakotay had a knack of holding people's attention, and calming them down with nothing more than a look. He had gone on to explain the reasoning behind why they had never been told, and what had prompted the information being passed on to them now. The caretaker had encoded for parts of Noah's DNA to alter as he got older, and now those alterations were being made, Chakotay felt that the crew should know, so that they would be prepared for any changes that may happen to the boy.
The Starfleet crew had been the first to come round to the idea, approaching Chakotay to give him a very belated congratulations on becoming a father. The maquis crew however had felt somewhat betrayed at having been kept in the dark for so long. But one by one as they became used to the idea, and having always suspected at the back of their minds anyway, they too accepted the news and forgave their former captain for having not told them.
To be continued.