Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and its characters.

Chapter 13: Price To Pay

Five years- Equinox

Approximately three seconds passed between Kathryn pressing the button to open the doors to her quarters and Chakotay inviting himself in. Before she could ask him why he was there and what he wanted, he made a beeline for her bedroom. "What are you doing?" she called after him as he entered her sleeping area.

"Chakotay!" she followed in after him to see him on his knees and opening the draws to her bedside cabinet, "what the hell do you want?"

"I'm looking for something," he explained.

"Looking for what?" it wasn't hard to tell that he was angry about something, but she was confused as to why. "I gave you back the last of your things over a year ago!"

"I'm not looking for anything of mine," he stood and shot her a harsh glare as he moved around her bed to inspect her second bedside cabinet.

"Chakotay, if you don't start telling me what you're doing here, then I'm going to call security," she threatened.

He laughed, but didn't look around, his attention focussed on rummaging through her things, "call them."

"Chakotay this isn't funny," she stated, his refusal to explain anything starting to annoy her.

"It's not meant to be," he slammed shut the bottom draw and again stood, this time to head over to her chest of drawers.

"Don't go through there," she closed the small gap between them with the intention of pulling him away from her underwear draw, but as she got closer she was reminded of his obvious bad mood, his current unpredictable manner and the fact the he could easily over power her if he so wished.

After only taking a very brief look trough the entire chest he walked over to the wardrobe, "where are they Kathryn?"

"Maybe if you told me what you were looking for…" she snapped back at him.

"A month ago Noah mentioned to me that he saw you sitting on your bed injecting something into your neck with a hypospray," he said at last, but refusing to look round at her as he continued to search through her things, "at the time I thought he was probably mistaken. Given the current turn of events recently though, I'm not so sure."

Kathryn's eyes opened with sudden realisation, "what happened the other day had nothing to do with drugs," she quickly defended.

Turning around sharply he searched her face for the truth of her words, "and the hypospray?"

"For a migraine," she explained, "I get them quite often, so the doctor just gave me the hypospray so that I wouldn't have to keep going up to sickbay."

"Really?" he placed his hands on his hips.

"Really," she said, exasperated.

She looked up at him trying to look sincere, as he glared down at her, wishing that he could believe what she had just told him. He couldn't though, and when he realised that she was nervous about something, and then noticed her eyes flicker momentarily towards the door to the bathroom, he knew that she was trying to hide something from him. With a sudden movement he made his way over to the bathroom, ignoring her calls after him.

Taking a quick look around the space he saw the mirrored cabinet and decided that it was probably the best place to start looking. He wasn't sure if he should have been disappointed or glad when he opened the door to find the glass jars full of pills and the hyposprays, but one things for sure was that she had been lying to him. "How long?" he turned his head to face her as she stood, now just watching him from the doorway.

"They're prescription," she stated.

Knowing that she wouldn't readily answer his questions he decided that a display of actually how mad he was at her would be in order. Taking a jar out of the cabinet he threw it into the bath tub, hearing it shatter, but not bothering to look at bottle as it broke open and the pills all spilled out. He didn't take any pleasure at seeing her jump in surprise of his action. "How long Kathryn?" he asked again, taking another jar out in preparation.

"That's none of your business commander," she felt he was in need of a reminder of his rank.

To her dismay it didn't work as he took another jar, raised it, and threw it down into the bath. "I don't think you understand how serious this is Kathryn. You almost killed a man yesterday, and if you don't start telling me the truth, then I will get the doctor to relieve you of duty."

"You wouldn't dare," she hissed.

Folding his arms he nodded, "how long?"

Deciding that he didn't have any right to be there and to question her, and she had no reason to answer his questions, Kathryn turned and headed back through her bedroom and into her main living area, only to be ambushed as Chakotay sprung out of the other door from the bathroom, grabbed her by her arm, pulled her over to the wall and pinned her against it with his body. "Do not walk away from me!" he shouted in her face.

Never before had she felt so intimidated by her first officer, sure, she had seen him use the same tactics against other people, and he had been in the maquis so she was perfectly aware of what he was capable of, but she had never expected for him to turn on her. "If you do not release me now," she muttered into his ear, her jaw taught as she restrained her anger, "I will call security, and I will have you confined to the brig for the rest of this journey."

"You're bluffing Kathryn," he took both of her wrists into each of his hands, his breathing heavy and warm against her face, "because without me, you're nothing, and we both know that."

"Release me," she gave him one final warning.

"Not until you tell me what you've been taking, and how long you've been taking it," he listed his demands.

Finally she let out a sigh and looked as if she was about to give in. "Vitamin C to increase my uptake of iron, Calcium for strong bones and teeth, Riboflavin…"

Letting out an annoyed grunt he released his hold of her completely and took some necessary steps away from her, taking a hand and running it through his hair. "Why can't you tell me?" he asked, the anger replaced by frustration.

"It's none of your business," she told him, making a silent sigh of relief as she realised he had no intention of following through on his hints of violence.

"Kathryn," he looked back round at her, his plea both in his voice and his eyes, "whatever you tell me will go no further than here and now, just trust me."

He looked at her for a long time and as she started to feel herself giving in, she turned away from him. "I can't tell you," she said at last "…because I'm ashamed."

Sudden realisation dawned upon Chakotay, and he instantly regretted his earlier aggressive stance. "A long time?" she only nodded, "for the past year, since your depression?" he pressed, and again she indicated that he was correct. "Before then?"

Letting out a long breath that she had hardly realised she was holding she again nodded. "It started out as just some medication to help me sleep every now and again, since about two and a half years ago. I was on antidepressants for a couple of months after I lost the baby, and started on them again about a year ago, I haven't come off them yet. Sleeping medication is in the form of a mild tranquiliser and has only become a necessity in the past six months. I have been getting headaches recently, so the doctor's given me a few things for that…" she looked sharply up at him, "I'm not addicted."

There was a beat before he replied, "I never said you were," his voice was calm and almost understanding.

"That's what you're thinking though, isn't it?"

He sighed, not in annoyance, or resignation, but with disappointment, "how could I not have noticed?" he said to himself.

"I've not exactly been open about it," she reminded him, feeling much more relaxed now in his presence.

Chakotay shook his head, and continued speaking his thoughts out loud, "I should have been paying more attention… maybe I just didn't want to see…" he looked at her, his next words intended at her, "I'm sorry."

She frowned, "don't apologise, this isn't your fault."

"You're my best friend… my wife. It's my responsibility to look out for you!"

Taking a step towards him she placed a hand on his arm, "this is my problem, not yours anymore."

Meeting her gaze he shook his head, "I hardly know you anymore Kathryn, you've changed so much, and I can't help feeling I'm to blame."

"I haven't changed," she insisted.

"The equinox?"

"An error in judgement," she shook off his reminder.

"You were angry an Ransom, not because of what he did, but because you saw what you could have been, and what you're slowly becoming."

"I am nothing like him!" she shot back angrily.

"You stooped to his level though," he countered.

"Desperate times…" she started but didn't finish the old saying.

Chakotay took a step away from her, "three years ago you would never have considered taking drugs such as antidepressants and tranquilisers on a regular basis, of threatening an officer's life for information, of giving up on your role as a mother. If you met that woman now, I wonder what she'd think of you, what she'd say to you."

"Three years ago you promised to share this burden, now you've just become another problem weighing me down," she shot back angrily, her eyes starting to shine with tears, "I don't think you've exactly become a better person yourself."

He shrugged, "a price I have to pay for serving below you," he replied cruelly, and she was too stunned to respond as he made his way out of her quarters.

/\

Five years, three months

Kathryn was so consumed in her own work that what Noah was saying to her barely registered until she picked up on one particular word. Ocampa.

"What was that?" she looked up sharply from her computer screen at the small boy sitting beside her on the couch in her ready room.

"This is Tuvok," he continued, holding up another piece of paper, not noticing his mother's sudden interest having not noticed her lack of one earlier. "Naomi thinks he's scary, but I like him, I think he's funny."

"No Noah, before then, what were you saying?" she glanced down at the coffee table that was covered with drawings her son had done and was trying to show her. One particular drawing caught her attention and instinctively she picked it up for closer inspection, "what's this one?" she asked, looking down at what appeared to be a picture of people standing outside on a sunny day, playing some sort of ball game.

"I just showed you that one," he told her, then proceeded to pick up another of his pictures, "this is the delta flyer."

"Show me this one again," she insisted, "is it somewhere you visited on the holodeck?"

"No," he resigned himself to going over the picture again, "but I'm going there one day."

A soft smile took over her lips, "is this Earth?"

"Earth only has one moon," he informed her, "this has three," he pointed to three faint circles that had been drawn onto the pale blue sky. "Ircsha, Casum and Orath, you can see them in the day time when there aren't any clouds."

Kathryn frowned, "so what planet is this?"

"Ocampa," he grinned, "and these are the children playing out side…"

"Where did you hear about Ocampa?" she interrupted him.

"I don't know," for a second he appeared confused, "why? Don't you like my picture?"

"No, I do like it," she was quick to reassure him, "but I just wonder why you drew it?"

He shrugged, "because I wanted to." He pointed to one of the figures, and then another, saying in turn: "here's me, and there's Naomi, and these are the other children that we're playing with."

Realising that he was probably getting confused between different stories he had heard over the years she decided to explain. "Honey, the Ocampans live under ground, they don't go to the surface."

"Why not?"

"Because many years ago there was an accident that meant they couldn't live above the ground," she put the drawing down on the table, "and Ocampa is very far away, it would take you a long time to travel there, but one day I can show you Earth."

The boy looked up at her, "I don't want to go to Earth," he stated.

"Noah!" she was surprised to hear to talk in such a way, having thought that she and Chakotay had talked enough about their home worlds to make him want to visit them as much as they wanted to get back to them.

"Neither does Naomi," he went on to say, "she wants to stay on Voyager."

Kathryn could understand the children having no desire to go to Earth, as they had never before been there, and Voyager was the only home that they had ever known, so it was reasonable for them to want to stay. What confused her though, was Noah suddenly decided to draw himself on surface of the first planet Voyager had encountered in the delta quadrant, a planet that had long ago left the conversations of Voyager's crew members. "Who told you about Ocampa?" she asked, curious.

Her question received another shrug, "I don't know."

Kathryn paused, then realised who he had probably heard about the planet from, "did Neelix tell you about it?"

For a moment he frowned, "I think so," then he looked up at his mother with a questioning expression, "he was talking about a woman who had come from Ocampa and used to live on Voyager, but I can't remember her."

"Kes?" Kathryn prompted, suddenly feeling somewhat guilty for not having thought for so long of the woman who had at one time been so much a part of Voyager.

"Yeah, that's her," he smiled as he remembered

"Yes, she did live for many years aboard Voyager," Kathryn confirmed, "but she left when you were very young, before a time that you can remember."

"Why did she leave?" Noah asked curiously.

"I think she outgrew the ship," it was the simplest explanation that made the most sense. "She used to take care of you when you were a baby, she was very fond of you."

"Is she ever coming back?"

"I don't think so," she bit her lip, wondering why he wanted to know.

Noah smiled, "I'd like to meet an Ocampan one day," he said offhandedly as he looked back down at the pile of papers on this mother's table and started to search though them for the next picture that he wanted to show her.

Kathryn looked at him oddly for a long moment, not quite sure what to make of his fascination with a planet and people that he had heard so little about. It was about that point that it struck her, in some ways the planet and the caretaker never left her thoughts as she remembered the decision she had made to strand Voyager over five years previously, and on a daily basis she played back the moments that had lead up to that decision in her mind as she attempted to convince herself that it was the right thing to do. On the other hand, she had long ago stopped thinking of her son of having anything to do with the caretaker, and the planet, and it was only on rare occasions such as this that she was reminded that it was only because of the caretaker that she had her son in the first place.

Making a conscious decision to give her son the attention he deserved for the rest of the afternoon that he would be with her, she closed down the computer screen that she had been working on, and listened to him as he finished giving her the background to the pictures that he had drawn. Before long she had forgotten completely about Ocampa, and the caretaker, and how Noah had been created by a superior alien being, and all she allowed herself to think about was her son's obvious love of art.

/\

Five years and five months- Fair haven

If someone were to ask Kathryn Janeway what it was like to command a ship, there were many different responses that she had given at different points in her career. For her first command, her response would have been that it was challenging, exciting, wonderful, difficult at times but very rewarding. As she gained more experience, and learnt that there were many disadvantages to being the captain, the truth of her answer became that not only was it difficult so make the tough decisions and to keep the respect of her crew, but also that it was tiring, her personal life suffered because of it and often it could be lonely as she had to force a professional distance between herself and those who served below her.

It didn't take her long to realise that people didn't want to hear the truth, all they wanted to hear was her first answer that she had given as a young naïve commander, that there was nothing better than being in complete control of your own ship. If she had have been honest, and said what it was really like, and people had have asked the question 'then why do you do it?' she would have told them that it was because there was nothing easier than slipping behind the mask of command and ignoring the problems in her own life. It had taken Kathryn a long while to realise that she had hidden behind the shield of being captain so many times, that at some point she had forgotten who she really was, and by that time she felt it was too late and too difficult to do anything about it.

The loneliness and isolation of her position in the delta quadrant didn't get to her at first as she had had a baby to take care of and the problems within her crew were enough to keep her mind occupied. Then there had been Chakotay, and for a long while she had felt very content and happy with her life, and she truly felt that her burden of Voyager's situation had been halved by him. But she had pushed him away, just like every other man in her life since Justin. Mark had put up with the distance in their relationship, and had probably known she didn't really love him, long before she had discovered herself, but for some reason he persevered and she was sure if they had have married they would still be together and probably have started a family.

Chakotay wasn't able to live with the emotional parameters she had eventually established between them. Although it had been intentional on her part to distance herself from him, having slowly come to the conclusion that she didn't deserve the relief from guilt and responsibility, love and affection that he provided, she had never meant to drive him away from her completely. He had wanted all or nothing, and when he had realised that he couldn't have it all, he had made the decision that she had been too weak to make, and had reluctantly taken the first steps to end their marriage.

Five and a half years into their journey, and Kathryn had a new and very simple answer to the question of what it was like to command a star ship, alone, in the middle of the delta quadrant: lonely.

It had been close to a year since she had last made love with Chakotay, and even longer since she had really been able to call him her husband. Although they had become good friends, there was now a line that neither of them ever crossed, sometimes it was simply averting certain conversational topics and other times a refusal to provide the comfort that the other was in need of. Either way the lack of companionship for Kathryn was often intoxicating. So when she found herself in the arms of a holographic character in fair haven, for the first time in a long time she was able to forget about all of the responsibility, stress and loneliness that came hand in hand with command.

Walking through the streets of fair haven with her arm looped around that of Michael Sullivan's she was so consumed in their conversation that she didn't notice her son until she heard him calling after her. Kathryn stopped and turned to see Noah running towards her, Michael realised her attention had suddenly shifted and followed her line of sight.

"Hello mummy," he greeted with a smile as he came to an abrupt halt.

"What are you doing here?" she asked with a frown.

"Fishing," he answered, then his gaze drifted up to the man who was stood beside her, "hello," he grinned.

Reluctantly Kathryn realised that introductions were in order, "Michael, this is my son Noah," she explained, relieved when his baffled expression softened into a smile as he reached out to shake hands.

"It's nice to meet you," he said, "my name's Michael Sullivan."

"Noah, Michael is a friend of mine," she added.

He nodded, the grin and dimples still pinned to his face. "Nice to meet you too," he said politely once he had shaken hands.

"Who are you with?" she asked, then noticed Chakotay approaching, dressed casually and holding two fishing rods.

"Hi," he said, having heard her ask Noah the question. He looked across at the man stood beside his wife mixed feelings of jealousy and resentment being pushed aside as he tried his best to be happy that she was happy. "You must be Michael," he said neutrally, then forced a smile, "I'm Chakotay, a friend of Kathryn's."

"I've seen you about," the holographic character noted, "you also know Tom Paris?"

"Yes," he replied.

There was a short and awkward silence, one that the Irishman was quick to fill, "so you're going fishing?"

"Indeed, down at the river."

He nodded, "you should get a couple of bites at this time of day, but be careful of the current, especially with a young child; men have drowned in that water."

"I'll keep him away from the river edge," Chakotay took on the advice, but knew that the computer safety protocols would prevent his son from coming into any danger. He glanced down at Noah, "we should probably be going," he gave his excuse, wanting to get himself out of the very awkward situation as quickly as possible.

"I'll see you later," Kathryn promised her son.

Noah nodded, "okay," and allowed his father to take his hand and lead him away.

"Bye," Chakotay said over his shoulder before walking away from them.

Once they had started to disappear out of sight and were well out of earshot she slowly turned around to Michael. "So you have a son?" he said, now allowing the surprise to leak back into his expression.

Kathryn nodded, "I wasn't ready to tell you."

The barman shrugged, "and the man with him? Is he really just a friend?"

"He's my closest friend," she answered honestly, but knew what he was getting at, "but Chakotay is also the father of my son."

"The father of your son," he repeated, "were you married? Were you lovers? Are you still?"

For a moment she considered going through the long story of how Noah had been conceived without either of their consent, how they had eventually become involved and then married, and after a year of marriage they had separated. She realised though that it was too complicated to explain, especially as she herself didn't completely understand everything that had happened, so she just nodded, "a long time ago, but it's been over for a while now. Was it that obvious?"

He smiled good naturedly, and encouraged her to take her arm through his as they started to walk back in the direction they had previously been heading. "I myself have been in a few confrontations with former lovers and the new men in their lives, the look your Chakotay gave me as you introduced us, was something close to what I felt my own face take on during those occasions."

She laughed, "and what look is that?"

"The look of bitter hatred and jealousy," he replied in a theatrical manner that lightened the truth of the words.

Slapping his arm playfully she looked up at him, "and exactly how many confrontations have you had?"

He shot her an aghast expression, "Katie O'Clare, I'll have you know that a gentleman never tells, and need I remind you that I am a gentleman to the core."

She rolled her eyes, although she knew he was a hologram, sometimes she could almost believe that he was a real flesh and blood male.

To be continued.