Disclaimer: Paramount, Viacom, rah rah rah.

Chapter 14: Larger Than Life

Five years and eight months- Collective

Chakotay vividly remembered the first time he had seen his son. It had been very early in the morning, and like many of the crew he had remained up all night to find out the progress of the captain's labour. After many long hours of waiting, the announcement of a baby boy had been made by the doctor, and the crew visibly relaxed and smiled and started a short celebration that had gone on for a couple of hours in the mess hall where many of the crew including their first officer had congregated.

Doing what he thought was expected of an impartial first officer he had remained at the celebration in the mess hall until it started to wind down to a close, and people started to remember that they were on duty later that morning, and began returning to their quarters. Chakotay had been about to do the same, as he knew that was what was expected of him, but for reasons that he later explained as curiosity towards the baby, worry over the mother and a need to be confirmed as a father, he had made his way over to sick bay.

Although he had known he was going to be a father for some months, and had known he had a son for a number of hours, it didn't really start to sink in until he saw the tiny baby in the incubator, wrapped in thermal blankets, and with an exhausted mother sleeping beside him. Those moments as his son had looked up at him for the first time, had been the most special moments in Chakotay's life, and he still looked back on them as such.

Now holding a baby girl in his arms, and awkwardly feeding her with a bottle, he was made very much aware of how inept he was with babies. So when his memories should have been concentrating on the emotions of seeing and holding his son for the first time, they instead slowly drifted to the feeling of helplessness he had felt every day after for about a year when he had seen everyone but himself with his son. There were still times when he woke up at night in a cold sweat having had nightmares of again being apart from his son… but they had become less frequent with the passing of time.

"How are you doing with her?" the doctor broke him from his revere.

"Not as good as you would be doing right now," he had complained at the time the baby had been thrust into his arms, and had yet to give up with his protests.

Shooting the commander a tight smile, the hologram crossed the sickbay with a loaded hypospray, and held it to the Borg baby's neck. "So what did you come here for?" he asked, once he had finished administering the medication.

"Actually, this is who I was here to talk to you about," he looked down at the small pink face in his arms. "Until we can locate her people, she needs to be placed into the care of someone within this crew…."

"Right," he said slowly, "is no one willing to take care of her?"

"No," Chakotay sighed, "quite the contrary, near to everyone has been volunteering, I came to ask your advice on who would be the best candidate."

"Why are you asking me?" he questioned, "isn't this something that you would normally discuss with the captain?"

He paused for a moment, wondering whether or not he should let the EMH in on the truth, he decided that it would be unfair not to. "Because, whoever doesn't get picked is going to be asking why, and I want to share the blame. The captain has therefore conveniently taken a step back from the decision making process and has asked me to take care of the matter myself."

"Ah," the doctor realised his commanding officer's conundrum, "good luck with that," he said, thinking that he might just be able to walk away without becoming involved.

"Just give me a name," Chakotay said, "then I can say that the carer was chosen by a sophisticated computer program."

Turning back around he raised an eyebrow, "I do believe that's the first compliment you've ever paid me commander."

"Just a name," he repeated.

Pulling a grim face the hologram looked rather reluctant to reply, "why can't you just do it?"

"Me?" he looked genuinely surprised.

The photon man nodded, "yes, that way you don't have to chose any one person above any other, and everyone will feel equally rejected."

Chakotay rolled his eyes at the mere suggestion, "Noah's enough of a handful for me at the moment," he shook off the thought.

The doctor sighed, "well, I suppose thinking logically, crewman Ashton would be the best choice, but whether or not she wants to…"

"I did see her name on the list of volunteers," Chakotay said thoughtfully, "why her though?"

The doctor shrugged, "she has experience with childcare, her records show that before she joined the maquis she worked at a day care centre for several years. Although she doesn't have children of her own, that actual works in her favour, as other parents aboard this ship who have been separated from their children, may find taking care of a new baby somewhat traumatic."

"Kathryn once mentioned that Claire had been very good with Noah as a baby," he recalled, "I think I'll ask her."

"I'm glad that's settled," the doctor beamed with relief as he reached out to take the baby from Chakotay's arms and held her against his shoulder to burp her, "now, if there's nothing else…"

The first officer shook his head, "that's it for now," he smiled, "but I'll direct angry crew members to sick bay, so just deactivate yourself if they get too much, and I'll have B'Elanna say that you've malfunctioned."

"Thank you, that's very kind of you," he replied dryly, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Chakotay grinned, and decided to make a quick exit from sick bay before the hologram asked him to sing the baby to sleep. As he returned to his quarters, the thought that he couldn't shake from his mind, was that he had actually been quite tempted to take care of the Borg baby himself. It wasn't that he wanted to find the easiest way out as the doctor had suggested, by making everyone feel equally rejected, or because he was up for the challenge of taking care of a baby, but more for the reason that holding that tiny girl in his arms had reminded him of what he had lost when Kathryn had miscarried, and for the briefest moment he saw a way of filling that void in his life.

It took him a while, but he eventually managed to shake the thoughts from his mind before he stepped through the doors to his quarters. Kathryn was there, of course, sitting on his couch reading through reports, she looked up when he entered, "Noah's playing in his room," she gave him an update.

"Okay," he noticed that she was starting to pack up, "do you want to stay for dinner?"

"No, I have work to do," she gave her excuse, "have you chosen someone to take care of the Borg baby?"

"Claire Ashton," he confirmed.

"Good choice," she smiled, "you know, someone's going to have to give the baby a name."

"I don't know," he shrugged, "Borg baby sounds kind of cute. I think the more pressing issue is doing something about all of these Borg we're letting onboard, Voyager's going to get a reputation if we keep it up."

She rolled her eyes, "hopefully a good one," she decided not to get into the Borg debate with her first officer, they'd had enough arguments when she'd allowed Seven to stay on the ship. Poking her head through the door to their son's bedroom she told him goodbye, and promised to see him the next day.

"I'll see you later then," he said when he saw her cross the room heading for the exit.

"Bye," she said over her shoulder just before she left

He looked at the closed doors for a moment as he remembered a time when they had been happy and content together back on new Earth. They had had their moments back on Voyager, but it had never been the same, and ultimately it hadn't been enough. With a deep breath he removed his mind from the place of new Earth, and concentrated it on the present time instead.

Looking in through the doors to his son's bedroom, he saw Noah sitting on the floor of his bedroom, contently playing alone with his toy star ships. Although everyone always told Chakotay that his son was his spitting image, every time he looked at Noah, he only ever saw Kathryn. He had her nose; small and perfectly shaped, and his hair was straight, smooth and silky like his mother's. He had adopted many of her mannerisms, such as rolling of the eyes, or fiddling with things whilst in deep thought. His face shape was starting to become angled and defined, and Chakotay was sure once his son had lost his puppy fat, as a teenager he would no doubt have a striking jaw line much like Kathryn's.

"Is that the enterprise you have there?" he questioned.

The boy glanced up, "yeah, it's losing against the Hirogen, but Voyager's about to swoop in and save it," he explained.

Chakotay chuckled, "have you started your homework?" he glanced across at the blank computer screen.

"I finished it," Noah stated, following his words with the sound of gun fire as the lifted a model of Voyager into the air and pretended that it was firing down at the enemy ship.

"You finished it?" Chakotay raised an eyebrow, and headed over to his son's desk, "did mummy help you?"

"No, mum was busy working," he explained.

"Did she pick you up early?" There were three padds with filled out and completed exercises, one in maths, one in federation standard and the third in science, he found it hard to believe that they had all been completed in the half an hour since Noah's classes had ended.

"I don't think so," finally he looked across at his father and trained his attention fully on him, "is it true that there are more children aboard Voyager?"

Chakotay was distracted by the question and forgot all about the homework, "yes, from the Borg cube."

"Borg?" he frowned, "like Seven?"

"Yes," Chakotay paused, and walked over to sit on the edge of his son's bed, "but they weren't Borg as long as Seven was."

"Are they like normal children?"

"I guess."

"How old are they?"

"Um… well they're not human, so their ages don't really compare to yours, but in equivalent terms, there's a girl about eight, and another who's only a baby, there are two boys probably a little older than you, and a much older boy. Why the questions?"

"I wanted to know if I could play with any of them."

"Maybe, after we've given them some time to adjust to being separated from the collective," pausing he looked across at his son, "do you wish you had more friends?"

"Sometimes," came a rather quiet reply, "Naomi doesn't like playing battles, and she says I'm too little to play her games, and mum's always busy, Harry and Neelix still treat me like a baby, B'Elanna's bossy, and Tom never takes me on his shuttle rides with him… sometimes I get lonely."

It was a reminder of some of the difficulties that came with raising a child aboard a star ship, especially in the middle of the delta quadrant, and his heart ached to see his son look so unhappy. "Do you want me to spend more time with you?"

"No," he looked momentarily down at the floor, then rolled his eyes, "I see you too much anyway."

Chakotay pulled a face of mock horror, "you know for that, I might ask Kath… mummy to cook dinner for us tomorrow."

Noah hardly noticed the error his father almost made as he looked alarmed at the suggestion. "I'm sorry," he took it back, "I want to spend more time with you… really."

Shaking his head he smiled in amusement, "I guess it's not the same as spending time with someone your own age though is it?"

"I guess," the boy shrugged, he'd never actually had much of a chance to meet any children at about the same level of maturity as him, as Naomi was the only other child aboard the ship and had long ago exceeded him (being half Ktaran), so she would soon be outgrowing him completely.

"Well when we get back to Earth I'm sure there will be plenty of children who would want to be friends with you there," Chakotay tried to make his son see the bright side of it all, but his words did completely the opposite as Noah's face fell further.

"You're always talking about going back to Earth," his voice sounded annoyed, "everyone is, but we've been on our way there for ever, and we're still not close to it."

"We're not as far as we used to be," he pointed out.

"Well I don't care about Earth, I don't ever want to go there," Noah shot back angrily.

Chakotay remained calm, he knew his son was only upset, "I suppose you'll be grown up before you see any of the federation planets," he said quietly. "Okay," his voice picked up, "how about I talk to Seven, and try and arrange for you and Naomi to spend time with the Borg children in the next few weeks?"

"Okay," he grudgingly agreed.

"Yeah?" he leant his head to one side and gave his son a questioning look.

Noah finally allowed a small smile to enter his face, "thank you."

"Come here," Chakotay opened his arms, and his son was quick to jump up from the floor and run into them, warmly embracing his father as he was lifted onto the lap of the man who was to him larger than life. "You know I love you more than anything Noah."

"I love you too daddy," came the boy's reply.

They remained in the tight and loving embrace for a short time before pulling back, "what do you want for dinner tonight?" Chakotay looked down at his son.

"Um, chocolate."

"Very funny," he chuckled, "how about casserole?"

"Can I help you make it?"

"Sure," he set Noah down on the ground, "go and wash your hands," he instructed as he stood from the bed and watched the five year old run off to do as he had been told. Chakotay ran a hand through his hair as he considered what his son had said, and he was taken back to a time as a young man growing up on Dorvan V and he had been thinking about joining Starfleet. At the time he had always considered that he would return to his home world, or settle down on a planet of some sort to raise a family, he had never thought about raising a child alone on a star ship, let alone in the middle of the delta quadrant. Not for the first time he wondered if it was selfish of both him and Kathryn to subject their son to the dangers of space, and the long journey to a place Noah may never consider home. Chakotay wondered about it, but for fear of Kathryn's reaction to the suggestion that they give up on their journey and settle down on a planet, he never mentioned it to anyone.

/\

Five years and nine months

Kathryn sat alone in her office performing her usual trick of working late into the night. She hadn't eaten, but was refuelling with her fourth cup of coffee that evening, and as she sipped gingerly at the hot black liquid she heard Chakotay's voice at the back of her mind telling her that she should be taking better care of herself.

When they had been together, he would constantly be nagging about one thing or another: to eat, to sleep, to work less, relax more, take shore leave, take fewer night shifts, spend less time in her office, spend more time with him… it was never ending, and had driven her mad. He had continued what he called caring and she called annoying for a long time after their relationship had fallen apart, and every now and again he would still force her to have dinner with him just so that he could be sure that she ate a proper meal, but in recent months his mission to save her from herself had become less insistent and disruptive and he had resorted to using passing comments and casual remarks to get his message across. She had never thought she would miss the nagging.

Thinking that maybe it was time to call it a night, and to head back to her quarters to take a long soak in the bath, she heard someone at the door to her office. Sitting back in her chair, she sighed out loud, gently rubbing her temple as she called out: "come in."

"You're up late," Chakotay noted as he entered into her office and headed over to her replicater, "tea, cream, no sugar," he instructed the computer.

Noticing that he was ordering a drink she knew that he was wanting to talk about something, and that it would probably be quite a long talk. He was also out of uniform, which meant that it probably wasn't about ship's business, as anything to do with Voyager he usually waited until the beginning of their next shift together to discuss. "I was just about to call it a night," she thought it might be enough of a hint for him change his mind about a drink and instead make arrangements to have whatever discussion he wanted to have another time.

"Then I won't keep you for too long," he said, picking up his cup and saucer from the replicater.

Kathryn restrained herself from again sighing, and instead watched helplessly as he sat himself in the seat opposite her, "so what are you here for?" she asked, bringing her mug up to her lips.

"Did you forget about Noah's check up today or could you just not be bothered?" he asked, not sounding nasty; just curious.

Her eyes widened in surprise as she suddenly remembered where she had been meant to be earlier that afternoon, "I'm sorry, it completely slipped my mind," she inwardly cursed herself for her error, "did you try and call me?"

"No."

"Why not?" she had been ready to assume that there had been some sort of problem with the comm..

"It doesn't matter," he shrugged, "I thought it would just be easier to listen to what the doctor had to say and then give you an over view later."

"An overview?" she repeated, "I wanted to be there Chakotay, you should have called me down to sick bay."

"You know, I was about to contact you," he admitted, "but by then we had already been waiting for ten minutes for you to turn up, and I figured that if it wasn't important enough for you to remember to turn up to in the first place, then it wasn't import enough to distract you from your work for."

"That's very petty of you," it was also very unlike him.

He shrugged, "call it what you will, but maybe next time you can remember where you have to be, and at what time without relying on me to remind you."

For a few seconds she considered responding in kind, but she really was too tired for a row and he did have a point that it was her fault for forgetting. "So what did the doctor say?" she asked, thinking it might be best to get to the point they both really wanted to get to before alpha shift started.

"He was just explaining some of the observations that you, myself and Noah's teachers have been making recently," Chakotay decided to drop his attack on her for the time being.

"Which particular observations?" she asked, not quite sure that she had really made any significant ones herself over the past few weeks.

He paused, wondering for a moment whether or not she too had noticed anything, but thought it best not to again bring up the point about the lack of time that she was spending with her son. "Well, in a few weeks, as you know he and Naomi were meant to be separated into different classes because Naomi is so much more advanced than Noah, and we thought that they might do better being taught individually at their different levels. However, in the past few months, Noah has slowly been catching up with Naomi on an academic level, so the doctor tested him, and looking at his educational development, he is the equivalent to a eight year old human boy."

"Eight?" the new information came as a surprise to her; she had known her son was quick to learn, but had never thought he was that far advanced for his age.

"I know," he leant back in his chair and took a sip of his drink, "apparently the genetic changes happening to Noah are affecting the speed and efficiency in which his brain can process information. By the time he's ten, the doctor thinks that he may have completed all of his compulsory education, but physically and emotional he will be no better developed than any other human ten year old."

"So we're keeping him in Naomi's classes?" she asked.

"For as long as he can keep up," Chakotay shrugged, then paused for a moment as he took some time to study her, "you don't look too thrilled at the news that our son's a child genius."

Her eyes flickered across to meet his, and she could see by his expression that he wasn't exactly celebrating either, "I guess most parents would be ecstatic to hear that their child is academically ahead of himself…"

"Most parents don't have to deal with genetic alterations occurring to their children imposed by advanced alien beings," he grinned mildly.

She smiled, "and to think Sam was expressing worries a few years back about the unknowns of raising a Ktaran child."

"I wouldn't change him though," Chakotay mused, and when a silence shortly followed his words he looked up to again examine his captain's response to his words. "You would?"

For a second she looked reluctant to reply, then she conceded with a small nod, "I would never change the person he is… but it would be a lot easier if we didn't have all of these little surprises with him every now and again."

"You think it would have been better if we hadn't have had him?" he asked, although already knowing her answer before she gave it to him.

She shrugged, "I love him," she insisted, "but Voyager isn't the ideal place to raise a child, especially as a captain. I feel I can't be a good mother, and I can't take care of him and spend the time with him that he deserves whilst I'm in command of this ship; I'm not sure how I managed my first year alone with him. I'm not sure how you cope with him and your command responsibilities."

He felt the tension in the room rising, and thought fast to defuse it, "I'm very good at delegating," he grinned.

Kathryn allowed the corners of her lips to lift up slightly, "I don't think I've every thanked you properly for all that you do."

"He's my son," he shrugged, "and if your role as captain has to come above that as a mother, then this is how it has to be, even if sometimes I don't seem to understand."

Smiling appreciatively she nodded, "I'm glad the caretaker chose you as the father."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow, "do you ever wonder why we were chosen?"

"Random, maybe, or because we were both captain's," she shook her head, "I don't think we'll ever know."

He nodded, and after taking a moment longer to think about what often consumed his mind, he shook the thoughts from his head and placed his cup and saucer on her desk. "Have you eaten this evening?"

Considering lying she was about to say that she had, but found herself shaking her head, "I was going to grab a bite to eat when I go back to my quarters."

"How about we go to the mess hall," he suggested as he stood, "I think Neelix still had some stew left when I passed through there a short time ago."

"Still had some left?" she looked cautious, "was it bad?"

He chuckled lightly, "there's only one way to find out."

Feeling that she had little other choice, she folded down the screen to her computer, and came around her desk, accepting his invitation as she followed him out onto the bridge.

To be continued.