Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and its characters.
Authors note:
Sorry it's taken so long for me to update, I wanted to do so sooner, but I've been struggling to find the time. Right now I'm badly hung over, but I've forced myself out of bed to put up this latest chapter up for you all, so please enjoy whilst I sleep off the rest of the day.
Chapter 20: Reconfirmation
Two days later. Six years, eleven months and two days. Earth, day one.
Chakotay sat alone in a darkened hotel room, slouched back on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table and a tumbler of whisky in one hand. He brought the glass up to his lips, and closed his eyes as the person at the door continued to buzz for entry; they had been doing so for the past few minutes, but he was taking the ethos that if he ignored them, they would eventually get the message and leave him alone.
Without warning the darkness and his solitude were disrupted as the room was bathed in the harsh glow from the lighting in the corridor, but he didn't bother to look around as someone forced their way into his assigned room. "Computer, lights," he heard B'Elanna instruct before he found himself squinting at the sudden brightness.
"You could have at least dimmed them," he commented, still waiting for his pupils to adjust as he felt her move around to the couch.
"You've been sitting alone in the dark for long enough," she pointed out as her weight fell on the soft leather cushions beside him.
"What do you want?" he sighed, now seeing enough to take another swig from the glass in his hand.
She turned to face him, and although he couldn't see her expression, he guessed that it would be plastered with something close to worry, "I finally heard the full story about what happened," she said, her voice filled more with compassion.
"Oh," was all he found himself capable of saying.
"I'm sorry," she sounded genuine, "I can't imagine ever having to make that kind of decision."
He nodded, "how's Kathryn?"
B'Elanna paused for a short time, "about the same as you… she's been granted special permission to leave the city and visit her family in Indiana until the debriefings start."
Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment, leaving them shut as he said: "I should be with her now, she's never any good at dealing with these kind of things."
"She's with her family," she reminded him, "you know she coped with difficult situations before she met you. Besides, you need to sort out yourself before you try and help anyone else."
He shook his head, "she blames me… since we arrived back in the alpha quadrant, she won't speak to me, she won't even look at me. I can't help myself wondering if I really did make the right decision."
"She'll forgive you with time," his old friend attempted to reassure him, "just worry about yourself for now."
"I guess," he said half heartedly before finishing off his whisky, and placing the empty glass down on the table in front of him, dragging his feet down to the ground as he did so. "So what floor are you and Tom on?"
"Two above yours," she thought maybe a change of topic would be good for him, "Tom's father is there right now, I thought I'd come down here to check up on you and give them some space."
"What's your father-in-law like?"
She smiled softly, "not the monster that Tom has made him out to be."
A small smile made it to his lips at her words, but it soon fell, and before long they had slipped into a slightly uneasy silence. "I noticed you hadn't asked about Seven," she said after feeling the silence drag on for long enough.
He sank back further where he was sitting, "why would I?"
"I thought the two of you were dating," he knew that she was trying not to make any personal comments about it, but a small amount of disapproval made its way into her voice.
"That doesn't mean that we have to know what each other are doing every second of every day," he pointed out, rather harshly.
She seemed unabashed by his tone, "she was asking about you."
Chakotay shrugged, "it's nice to know she was thinking of me."
"Starfleet have allowed her to remain on Voyager to regenerate," she needlessly informed him.
Suddenly he stood from where he was sitting, "that's good to hear," he said monotonically as he made his way away from her and over to the window of his hotel room.
"Apparently you haven't spoken to her in two days," she pointed out, "you seemed upset by Kathryn doing the same to you, I'm surprised that you're allowing for Seven to feel just as shut out."
"What are you trying to say B'Elanna?" he didn't bother to look around at her as he continued to stare out at the lights of the city around his window.
"If you don't care, don't string her along," she said at last.
His head shot round, "believe it or not B'Elanna, but I do care about her. I'm just finding it a little difficult to deal with people right now, seeing as I lost my son two days ago."
"Well talk to her," she sounded exasperated, "let her know that you need some time alone so that she stops bothering me with questions about you."
He moved his gaze back out to the window, "I'll be sure to do that. Thank you for coming by B'Elanna."
Chakotay's dismissive tone signalled that she was starting to over stay her welcome, and so she stood from where she had been seated. "I'll come by tomorrow," he wasn't sure if it was a threat or a promise, but he shrugged his shoulders anyway.
"I don't suppose I have a choice do I? You'll just invite yourself in anyway," he replied without turning to face her.
"Try not to drink too much in the mean time," she added, and he could hear her walking towards the exit of the room.
He turned just in time to see her walking back out into the corridor, her heavily pregnant frame disappearing as the door closed behind her. He let out a sharp breath and leant his head against the cold glass of the window, the alcohol he had earlier been drinking starting to take effect as he felt his body struggle to adapt as he shifted his centre of gravity. He stood there for a long while, before the fatigue he had been subject to over the past few days really started to take hold, and he found himself struggling to keep his eyes open, somehow he managed to stumble over to his bedroom, where once laid down on the mattress of his bed he went straight to sleep.
-
Kathryn Janeway had lived on coffee and autopilot since Voyager's unexpected entry into the alpha quadrant. The news that they were home still hadn't really sunk in, and they were still examining the sensor logs for those few minutes as the ship had travelled the great distance back to Earth to try to figure out exactly what had happened. The twenty one hours that it had taken for them to reach Earth, orbit and soon after land had felt like nothing more than a few minutes. She had sat on the bridge, making arrangements for Voyager's arrival on the home world of many, checking that the ship had suffered no damage during its highly accelerated flight and ordering the crew to get some sleep before their arrival, but taking none of the advice herself.
In the last few hours of their journey back to Earth, Chakotay had appeared on the bridge, his face almost as expressionless as hers as he had sat himself beside her, making several small but futile attempts to meet her gaze, or engage her in any type of conversation. Then finally, with Tom Paris at the helm they had swooped into the planet's atmosphere, and after a celebratory loop around the golden gate bridge, they had landed smoothly in the large docking port just outside of Starfleet head quarters.
The crew had lined up in the cargo hold, and she found herself making a small speech, thanking them for their loyalty and service, asking them all to keep in touch with her as they went on in their own separate directions, but the joy and happiness she saw in all of their faces she never felt on her own. They had disembarked, walking off the ship in the old tradition, greeted by a large crowd who had gathered to welcome them home, the cheers almost deafening as they moved across the raised platform to the large central building, the loud noise disappearing as they entered the large arrivals lounge.
The maquis crew were instructed not to leave the city, whilst the Starfleet crew were told that they would need special permission to leave. All of them were more or less forbidden from leaving the planet, until Starfleet and the medical teams had given them the once over. Debriefings were scheduled to start by the end of the week, and until then admiral Paris had encouraged them all to take the time to relax, contact their friends and families and adjust to being back on Earth.
Having been granted the permission she had requested to spend her first night back with her mother and sister in Indiana, she had made a quick check to make sure that all of her crew were safe and well, before jumping on the transporter pad with a duffle bag over her shoulder and appearing only seconds later a few metres away from the front door of the home she had grown up in.
She trudged up the gravel drive and climbed up the three steps to the front porch to ring the bell, knowing that if her mother wasn't in then she would undoubtedly find a key under the door mat and be able to let herself in. The door opened and revealed her mother, who instantly paled at unexpectedly seeing her daughter for the first time in seven years, "hi mum," Kathryn smiled tiredly, her words enough to break Gretchen from the shock of seeing her, as quickly she moved forwards to embrace the woman she had been doubtful she would ever see again.
Soon they were sitting in the lounge with freshly brewed mugs of real coffee, that Kathryn held in her hands for a long time as she took in the rich aroma wanting to savour every bit of her first mug after having been punished with replicated for the past seven years.
"So how did you get home?" he mother asked, sitting herself down in the chair opposite her.
She closed her eyes and tried to shut off the memories of the past few days, "we're still trying to figure that out," she eventually replied.
"You should have called to say you were coming Kathryn," she changed the topic, finding herself unable to stick to one line of questioning as her mind buzzed excitedly at seeing her daughter again. "I only found out on the news vids yesterday that you were back, and if your sister had have known you were coming straight back here, then she would have made the trip from Australia to see you."
"I'm sorry mum," she sighed, "it was all very hectic, I wasn't even sure what I was going to do until a couple of hours ago."
"Never mind," she smiled softly, "at least this way I can have you all to myself for a short while."
"I guess," she took her first sip of the black liquid in the mug, her taste buds suddenly coming back to life at the wonderful long lost sensation of real coffee, and she started to wonder how she had actually survived on replicated for so long.
"So where's your gorgeous little boy?" he mother asked eagerly, having been trilled at the news of hearing about her grandchild from her eldest daughter, and been sent pictures of him more recently when Voyager had established communications with Earth.
"He's not here," was all she found herself capable of replying.
"Of course," Gretchen nodded, "I remember you mentioned that he lives mostly with his father. This Chakotay sounds like an interesting man, the maquis cell leader that you made your first officer; it must have been difficult to find out that you were carrying his child."
She closed her eyes as her mother continued, obviously unaware of the latest developments, "I thought Mark was the father at first. I can't say there aren't times when I wish that he was," she added, feeling very bitter towards Chakotay for what he had done.
"Kathryn, at the end of the day it doesn't matter who the father is, just as long as the child is loved," her mother told her.
She nodded, but didn't say anything, preferring instead to drink her coffee.
"So when am I going to get to meet my grandson?" Gretchen pressed.
Finally her eyes flickered open, and she looked annoyed that her mother was persisting with her questions. "I'm tired," she stood from the couch with her mug, "shall I take my old bedroom or the guest room for tonight?"
"Either," the older Janeway shrugged, "but I just wanted to know when I could expect to meet Noah."
"I'm going to bed," she declared in preference to answering Gretchen, "goodnight," she said, before quickly disappearing out into the hall, grabbing the duffle bag that she had previously dumped, and heading up the stairs before her mother had a chance to catch up with her.
/\
One week later. Earth, day eight.
Chakotay took a mental note of the nurse's directions before thanking her and heading down the first corridor that she had indicated he should take. It was pure chance that out of the door opening just to his right as he passed, he should see Kathryn stepping out of it. He stopped dead in his tracks, as did she, and they found themselves staring at each other in surprise. Of course he had expected her to be there, but he had thought he might be lucky enough to miss her, or that if he did see her, they would both be in a room filled with other people so that they wouldn't be forced to forge any kind of conversation with each other.
"Are you arriving or leaving?" she eventually asked, finally finding her voice.
"Arriving," he replied.
She gave him a small and tight smile, "me too," she said, glancing down one side of the corridor she had walked out onto, and then down the other, "do you have any idea which way it is?"
"I've been given some directions," he shrugged, hesitating for a moment, "but it might be easier if I come back another time…"
"No," she sighed, "we should arrive together, show a united front."
He glanced away, "I don't want to play happy command teams with you anymore Kathryn."
"Then we won't," she seemed a little annoyed that he thought that might be what she was suggesting, "I just meant that it's getting a little difficult for us to continue avoiding each other now that the debriefings have started…" She took a deep breath, "I read the doctor's report on Noah two days ago, it seems that another few hours without treatment and he would have started to suffer brain damage. I guess you were right, Kes was the only real option."
Slowly he looked back round at her, "do you want to talk about this?"
"Eventually," she nodded, "but not in the middle of a hospital corridor."
"Okay," he said simply, then nodded in the direction he had been headed, "I think we're supposed to go this way."
Soon she found herself walking beside him, as he navigated them towards B'Elanna's room. The engineer had gone into labour at some point in the middle of the night, and the first time either of them had heard about it, was the next morning when Tom had called each of them individually to tell them that B'Elanna had given birth to their daughter Miral. It was now much later into the day, and whilst most of the crew were waiting for the next few days to visit, close friends and family of the newly made parents were all quick to arrive at the hospital to give gifts and congratulate both Tom and B'Elanna.
When Chakotay and Kathryn arrived at the room, their arrival together was not lost on B'Elanna, but Tom seemed unaware as his attention was focussed completely on the tiny baby in his arms. They had stayed a short while, to give presents and to each hold Miral, but Kathryn was the first to give her excuse to leave, and a short while later, Chakotay too informed them that he still had some reports to finish, and preparations to make before his next debriefing. He had placed a kiss against B'Elanna's cheek, and shaken hands with her husband, before exiting the room, leaving the engineer to wander if maybe he and Kathryn were taking the first steps to reconciliation.
/\
Earth, day seventeen.
Chakotay almost thought himself face to face with Kathryn Janeway until he noticed the dark brown curly hair, but the deep blue eyes, angled jaw and widow's peak were all the same. "I'm guessing you're the first officer," she looked him up and down, "your taller than you appear on the news vids."
He folded his arms, and a secretive smile took over his face, "you must be Phoebe," he stated, the many stories that Kathryn had told him of her sister over the years now flooding his mind.
She raised an eyebrow, "anything in particular you want?"
He ignored her hostile tone, "I was hoping to speak with Kathryn, is she in?"
Phoebe shook her head, "it's her weekend off, she's instructed me not to allow any visitors."
"I think she would allow me," he insisted, trying to look past her blocking the doorway to determine whether or not his former captain was close by.
The younger woman sighed, "she mentioned that you might come by, she told me specifically and categorically not to allow you entry."
He frowned, and looked down at her, "I'm guessing that she's been telling you wonderful things about me."
"She's barely mentioned you," the sister was quick to correct him, "which usually means something about a person. Are you even meant to be here?" she remembered being told that the former maquis were still not allowed to leave the city.
"I got special permission to come down to Indiana," he informed her.
"Oh really?" she seemed unconvinced, "do you mind telling me how you managed to get that?"
He sighed, not having considered for a moment that he might have trouble getting past the front door of Kathryn's family home, and not sure that he really wanted to spend much more time being interrogated by her younger sister. "Apparently they were able to make an exception for me because I'm Kathryn's husband," he explained.
Phoebe's jaw dropped, "her husband?"
"I guess that makes me your brother-in-law," he confirmed with a raised eyebrow.
"Kathryn never mentioned that part," she said, stepping to one side of the door to allow him access.
"Whereabouts can I find her?" he looked around the unfamiliar old house, although it was something close to what he had imagined from Kathryn's stories about the place, she had never gone into great details about he layout.
Stunned at the news her sister had married in the delta quadrant, she was only just about capable of directing the man to where her sister was, "she's shut herself away in her room," Phoebe explained, "up the stairs third door on the right."
Chakotay nodded a thank you, before heading for the stairs at the other end of the entrance hall and ascending them, hearing the front door being closed as he reached the top of the landing.
He wasn't too sure what he had been expecting, but when he had been told that she was in her room, for some reason he assumed that she would be lying in her bed, in the dark, possibly asleep. Instead, he walked in to find her bed neatly made and empty. He glanced around the room, but she was nowhere to be seen. About to turn around and inform her sister that Kathryn wasn't there, the distinct smell coffee caught his attention and he froze where he was standing as he attempted to ascertain where the smell was coming from. He noticed the curtains at the other end of the room moving in the breeze, and as they lifted a small way to reveal wooden planking he realised that she had a balcony, and so closing the door behind him, he made his way over to where he now suspected she would be.
The balcony was small, but there was enough room for a couple of chairs. The view was beautiful and breathtaking, looking out at the many fields that surrounded the old farm house, and a large wood a couple of miles in the distance filling the horizon. She glanced around at him when he entered, but seemed unsurprised, "I knew she'd let you in," was all she said, before returning her gaze to the view in front of them.
He stepped out properly onto the decking and took a seat beside her, "apparently you hadn't mentioned to her that we're married."
She raised an eyebrow, "we haven't been married for about three years Chakotay."
"I know," that fact had far from escaped him.
She let out a short grumble, "now you've left me with the mess of explaining it all to her."
He smiled softly, "well I hope your explanation goes better than mine to my sister; Sekaya's still trying to understand our relationship."
Chuckling lightly at his words she shot him a wistful smile, "I'm still trying to understand that myself, so good luck to everyone else."
He nodded, but didn't say anything further, preferring instead to slip into a comfortable silence, to allow her time to decide whether or not she wanted for him to leave. When after a few minutes she still hadn't said anything to indicate that she would rather be left alone, he decided that he should probably make the first attempt at engaging her in conversation. "So what are doing out here?"
"Thinking," she replied.
"About anything in particular?" he asked.
She turned around to meet his gaze, shooting him a soft smile, "about Noah."
"Oh," he said simply, feeling himself stupid for not having guessed that may have been the reason that she had secluded herself out on the balcony. "I've been doing a lot of that too recently."
She shrugged, "do you think he's okay on Ocampa?"
"He's with Kes, she'll take good care of him," he said reassuringly, "but knowing that doesn't stop me from missing him any less."
Taking her mug of coffee to her lips she nodded, "it sounds stupid, but when I heard you come into my bedroom, I half expected for Noah to be with you."
He gave her an emphatic smile, "that's not stupid, I keep setting an extra place for dinner, and I don't even realise that I've done it until I find myself about to call for him to eat."
She paused for a moment, and he could see that she was struggling to find the right words for what she wanted to say. "Do you think he'll ever come back to us?"
"I have to," he replied so quietly that she had to turn her head to check that he was still out on the balcony with her. She wasn't sure how best to respond, wanting desperately to comfort him, but not knowing how she could. A long moment passed, a moment that stretched out for almost an eternity, and then finally he looked up to meet her gaze, "do you hate me for what I did?"
Kathryn frowned, "no," she was quick to reassure him, placing her mug on the flat of the balcony railing and instinctively moving forwards to cover his hand with her own, "of course I don't hate you. You did the right thing by letting Noah go with Kes, and I'm sorry that I didn't realise that at first."
He looked down at their entwined hands on his lap. "Do you remember less than a year ago when Voyager was fragmented into different time zones?"
She frowned, "just about."
"I met our son in his early twenties," he explained, "never once did he mention anything about how he had been given the treatment to prevent his genetic alterations, and at the time I just assumed that maybe that was because he had never received any. Now all I can think about is that maybe he didn't mention anything because he assumed that I had already given my consent for his treatment."
Kathryn paused, she remembered him telling her about the event, but he had gone into very little detail about it, and so she hadn't really thought much about it since. "Either that or exactly the same thing happened as is happening now, and he worried that saying anything would change the time line considerably."
"A hint would have been helpful though," he sighed, "at least then I wouldn't have this constant worry that I'll never see him again."
"Sometimes it's best not to know what's coming," she pointed out, "otherwise we'd simply make choices of what we thought was the right thing to do, not what we know is the right thing to do."
"I guess," he shrugged.
"And surely if the treatment was necessary Noah would have said something then, instead of taking the risk that you wouldn't make the same decision."
Chakotay looked up, wanting to believe her words more than anything. "I guess if we assume that, we should be expecting him back with us sometime between now and the next fifteen years."
"Come on," she said, deciding to ignore his pessimistic tone as she removed her hand from his and stood from her chair, "it's getting cold out here, we can talk more inside."
He hesitated, but noticing the Goosebumps that were starting to appear on his arms he stood also and followed her through the glass door and into her bedroom. As he closed the door behind himself, he noticed her take a seat on the end of her bed, and seeing an arm chair in the corner, he decided to sit himself down there.
"What was he like?" she asked once he had settled himself across from her.
He frowned at the sudden change in the direction of conversation, "who? Noah?"
"No, the Tuvok in the future," she rolled her eyes, "of course Noah!"
He laughed as she lightened the mood, "a lot like you I guess," he said at last, "he had your confidence, and he'd kept your nose, your smile…"
"Did he mention me?" she interrupted.
About to tell her that a past version of herself had been with him he stopped himself before the words had made their way up to his lips, as saying them would raise further questions about what had happened. "Why?" he asked instead.
"I want to know if he resented me at all for not being there as much as I should have been," she explained herself.
"Kathryn, Noah has always understood that as ship's captain you had to make Voyager your top priority," he insisted, "although I may not have always seemed to understand that myself, I never for a moment allowed Noah to think anything bad of you for it."
She glanced away, "I always thought that when we got back to Earth I would be able to become the mother I always wanted to be to him. Now it seems that I'm not going to have that chance."
Standing from his chair he crossed the room over to her, sitting himself on the mattress beside her, and placing an arm around her back, "of course you will," he reassured her, "Noah will come back to us, maybe not in the next few days, but maybe in a few months, or years, and you can give him back all of the time you weren't able to give whilst we were in the delta quadrant."
She smiled sadly, and for a long moment they were both overcome by a natural silence, "was the destination really worth the journey?"
He raised an eyebrow, "I think about all of our crew would tell you that it was."
"And you?"
His lips curved up into a soft and genuine smile as he nodded, "every sacrifice I made was worth it just to fall in love with you."
Kathryn met Chakotay's gaze, and for the first time in a long while she saw the old look he used to hold for her in his eyes, a look that held so much love and devotion she was almost overwhelmed by it, and that told her that he would follow her to the ends of the universe. So lost in his gaze she almost didn't notice herself closing the small gap that remained between them as she brought her lips up to brush against his.
For a moment he didn't respond, and she started to worry that she may have done something wrong, that maybe he had been mistaken in what she had seen and felt. But then he returned the kiss, tenderly exploring her mouth with his tongue, one hand coming round to her lower back, the other being placed gently on her thigh. At some point the kiss deepened, and by the time she had come to her senses, she was already lying across the bed, with his weight delicately above, her body responding to every touch even before she felt it, her back arching as he ran his hands up her stomach towards her breasts.
They hadn't just made love that afternoon, they had confirmed it, and then reconfirmed it, never talking with words, but communicating with their lips and tongues, hands and fingers. At some point the light had fallen from the sky outside, and they had moved themselves beneath the covers of her bed. Kathryn had snuggled into his side, soon falling fast asleep, but he had remained awake for a long while after as he cherished the feeling of having her so close to him. Eventually he too found his eyes growing heavy, and placing a kiss against her forehead he too close his eyes and fell asleep.
To be continued.