Disclaimer: I have borrowed Voyager and its characters from Paramount, if anyone was in any doubt.
Author's note:
Just to clear up on a point raised about the previous chapter. I did think for a while whether or not Phoebe would know about Janeway's marriage, but I reasoned that Starfleet wouldn't release such personal information to civilians, and seeing as Janeway and Chakotay would have been separated for a long time before Voyager makes contact with Earth, then there was no reason for Janeway to tell her family about a failed marriage to her first officer, and thus the surprised reaction at the front door of the Janeway family home.
Chapter 21: Doubts and Fears
Earth, day eighteen
It was the light that crept through a gap in the curtains and fell directly onto his face that broke him from his sleep the next morning, but it was a hissing sound that caused him to wake properly. Opening his eyes he glanced around the room, and as soon as he remembered where he was the memories of the previous night came flooding back to him and he smiled to himself. Instinctively he reached out with his arm to the space on the bed beside him, but he was quick to realise that there was no one there.
There was a short moment in which he started to panic, worrying that Kathryn had left him at some point in the night, maybe regretting what had happened, but when he turned in the direction of where she should have been, he saw her sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to him, just out of reach from his outstretched arm. For a while he wandered what she was doing, and then he saw her place a hypospray in the draw of her bedside cabinet and lift a glass to her lips, he was almost certain that she was swallowing a handful of pills, his assumption was confirmed when he witnessed her place a couple of jars into the draw before closing it shut.
"So you're still self medicating," he commented, her head spinning round quickly at the sound of his voice.
"I thought you were asleep," she stated.
"I wish I still was," his face was expressionless and almost unreadable.
"Don't say it," she looked away from him, lifting the glass of water she had previously been drinking as she stood from the edge of the bed.
"Say what?" he called after her, as her naked form disappeared through the door of the bathroom. "I turned a blind eye to it aboard Voyager, I can do the same now if you want."
She re-emerged from the bathroom wrapping a silk dressing gown around herself, standing in the doorway to shoot him a harsh glare, "I'm still under a lot of pressure."
He lay on his back and looked up at the ceiling, raising his hands in defence, "I'm not here to judge," he stated.
"Why are you still here?" she asked cruelly.
Chakotay glanced across at her, "do you want me to leave?"
She looked about ready to tell him exactly where she thought he should go, but she stopped herself before the words made their way to her lips, and shaking her head, she instead made her way over towards her chest of draws. "I'm tired of this Chakotay."
"Tired of what?" he raised an eyebrow.
"Of fighting with you," she pulled out one of her draws and started to rifle through it, "we always have the same arguments, about the same things, and I'm sick of it."
He lifted himself up onto his elbows so that he could see her better as she slammed the draw shut and chucked a pair of panties on top of the bed covers. "I'm sorry for caring," he shot back sarcastically.
She glanced up at him, "you act as if we're still married."
"We still are," he reminded her.
"No we're not," she said exasperatedly as she opened up her wardrobe, "we've both moved on… you're with Seven, and the only reason that we haven't yet divorced is because we've been clinging on to the hope that one day we will be able to work things through for far too long."
"So what's this?" he asked, sitting up properly.
"This?" she chucked a load of clothes onto the bed, "this was just comfort sex, we were both upset about Noah…"
"Don't give me that crap," he interrupted her, throwing off his covers and climbing out of the bed, "last night happened because there's still something between us."
"Yes, because one of us can't let go," she muttered.
He didn't miss a word and turned to give her a nasty glare, "talking of dwelling in the past Kathryn, doubting decisions, slipping into depressions…" he purposefully trailed off.
"And back to our usual argument," she seemed satisfied that her previous observation had been correct.
"If you want to argue about something else, I've got plenty more topics to delve into," he informed her as he crossed the room.
"Where the hell are you going?" she asked.
"The bathroom," he stood in the door frame, "to take a shower."
"You can wait until after me."
He forced a smile, "you're welcome to join me," his smile quickly dropped and he disappeared inside. She waited a moment before taking any action, then when she heard running water she bolted after him.
Standing by the shower, he tested the spray of water to check that it was at the right temperature before glancing across at her. "Do you want to talk about this sensibly or do you want to continue to fight over the shower?"
"Talk about what?" she folded her arms.
"About what happened last night."
"I've already told you what last night was about," she said defiantly.
"So it meant nothing to you? I mean nothing to you?" he pressed.
"Yes," she agreed.
"So say it?" he took a step away from the shower and over to her.
Kathryn rolled her eyes, "say what?"
In a single step the gap between them disappeared as he lured above her, "tell me that you don't love me."
She tried to push past him, "this is stupid."
He wouldn't be moved to one side, and in one swift and single movement he had lifted her from the ground and she found herself being pushed up against the tiled wall, with his body pinning her against it. Before she could appropriately respond and even attempt to force him away from her he had lowered his lips to hers. She expected the kiss to be as harsh as the way in which he had grabbed her, but his gentleness shocked her into submission and she allowed for him to continue. Finally he pulled back, just enough for her to meet his gaze, "tell me that you don't love me and I'll stop," his voice was seductively low.
Kathryn found herself unable to speak or even move, as her eyes met with his and beneath his obvious fury towards her for her refusal to accept what they both knew was the truth she saw a vulnerability that she very rarely saw of him. A fear that she might just say the words that he was daring and coaxing her to say, that she would push him away for what would be the last time as he would be forced to acknowledge the truth that she may never take him back into her life.
"Say it," he insisted, his breathing heavy, and his grip on her starting to loosen.
"Don't stop," she said at last.
Again his lips were pressed against hers, this time she felt the passion that he had previously been restraining, she knew his intentions before he probably knew them himself and as like the night before, she found herself not caring about any of their problems or issues as she lost herself completely in him. Suddenly and unexpectedly his arms around her dropped, and he took a step back from her, she was uncertain as to why. "I can't do this," he said, taking a hand and running it through his hair, "this is too hard, loving someone shouldn't be this difficult." He looked up to meet her gaze, and she saw a desperation and sadness in his eyes that she couldn't explain. "I can't make love to you if afterwards all you're going to do is pretend that it never happened."
"Neither can I," she said simply, finding that she was now using the wall behind her for support.
He looked across to meet her gaze, "tell me what you want from me and I'll accept that. If you never want to see me again then I'll leave, if you want us to become friends, I can live with that. But if you want more from me, you have to be sure, because I don't think I can take losing you again."
"I'm not sure what I want," she told him honestly, "but I do know that I want you in my life, and right now that's all I can say with absolute certainty."
Chakotay nodded, "I guess that will have to be enough." She watched as he walked passed her and out into her bedroom, "I'll leave you to your shower now."
For a few long moments she remained standing in the same spot as she considered everything that had just happened. But finally she remembered herself, and closing the door to the bathroom she walked into the shower, imagining her problems simply washing away from her as the water fell over her body.
/\
Five days later. Earth, day twenty three.
Most of the crew had been offered apartments within San Francisco by Starfleet, but only about half of the offers had been accepted. Some people had preferred to find their own places to live, not wanting to live within one of the Starfleet compounds, and other people had decided to stay with families or friends until they decided themselves where they wanted to live, and what they wanted to do now that they were back in the alpha quadrant.
The restrictions over where the Voyager crew could go had been loosened as they were all allowed to move freely about the planet so long as they didn't attempt to leave, and the maquis informed Starfleet of their whereabouts every twenty four hours. The maquis and equinox part of Voyager were still in limbo, as although Starfleet hadn't arrested or charged any of them, they had not been released from any potential charges that may be hanging over their heads. Kathryn wasn't too worried about the maquis, as the other former maquis terrorists had already been offered an amnesty by the federation, and admiral Paris had quite confidently told her that the amnesty was to be extended to her crew. The equinox however did worry her, as the crimes they had committed were much more difficult to justify, especially as her own crew in a very similar situation had not resorted to murder to speed up their return to Earth.
Kathryn and Chakotay stood politely as the admirals who had been questioning them walked out of the briefing room in single file. They didn't look round at each other until the last admiral had left and the doors had closed automatically behind their departure. "Are you free for lunch?" he asked, noticing the time out of the corner or his eye.
"Only if there's coffee," her lip quirked up.
He chuckled, "two hours without coffee Kathryn, how did you do it?"
She rolled her eyes, "two and a half," she corrected him, as she closed the small gap between them and placed an arm around the back of his neck, "and I could go longer, except now that we're back on Earth with unlimited replicater power, and a coffee bar on every corner, I don't see why I should have to."
Placing a hand on either side of her hips he simply smiled, "well I guess I'll leave it to you to decide where we go." He leaned down to place a gentle kiss against her lips, "but I think you should know, I have a new coffee machine back at my apartment," he said suggestively.
Kathryn placed her palm against his chest, preventing any further advances he intended to make, "have you talked to Seven yet?"
"Yes," he said simply.
"And...?"
"I explained to her that now we're back on Earth I wanted the opportunity to give my marriage to you another go, and told her accordingly that I was ending my relationship with her."
"You told her about us?" she looked alarmed and suddenly worried.
Chakotay paused, "not anything that we've done so far," he shook his head, "but I indicated that we may have broached the topic during a conversation."
"How did she take it?"
"Quite well," he shrugged, "we haven't really spoken in the three weeks that we've been back, and I think she expected me to break up with her eventually anyway."
"I hope she's okay," she said worriedly.
"I think she will be," Chakotay attempted to reassure her, "there was nothing serious going on between myself and Seven, it's not like we formed any attachments."
"I know," she sighed, "but maybe I should check up on her later just in case."
Not sure he was completely comfortable with the idea of his wife consoling his ex-girlfriend about a break-up that she had been a factor in causing he felt there was no way of talking her out of it. "Maybe you should leave it a few days," he suggested.
She nodded, but didn't say anything further as she slipped into the privacy of her own thoughts.
"So about lunch?" he directed their conversation back to its earlier direction, "we could try the coffee bar at the end of the parade, I don't think I've been there yet."
"I went there yesterday," she pulled a face, "I'm not going there again."
He laughed dropping his arms from around her as she stepped out of them, "Kathryn, after seven years of drinking nothing but replicated coffee, you've very quickly become quite a critic of every one else's."
Grinning broadly she glanced across at him as she made her way across to the door of the briefing room, "scared of what I'll say about yours?"
"No," he replied quickly and confidently.
Her smile widened, "then I guess you won't mind if we go back to your apartment to try out this new coffee machine then?"
He folded his arms as they walked, "of course not."
Although the morning after their night together less than a week previously had not gone as either of them had expected, after their initial disagreement they were able to be civil towards one another as Kathryn had taken him down for breakfast to meet her sister and mother. Phoebe had been no more friendly and welcoming to him than she had been the previous afternoon, but Gretchen had been warm and inviting, kindly cooking him breakfast and stuffing him with food, talking to him animatedly as if she had known him for many years. Eventually though, he had made his excuse to leave, and Kathryn had walked him to the front door.
He had thought Kathryn would probably spend a short time dwelling over what had happened, before deciding to ignore the incident altogether, but she had surprised him by visiting him at his apartment the following evening. She had told him she had come to a decision, that she wasn't ready to give up on their marriage and wanted to again try to make a relationship with him work. He had stood at the door flabbergasted for many long moments before he finally found himself asking if she was sure. She had never really answered, preferring instead to close the gap between them and kiss him deeply, finding ways of expressing her love for him that night that were only put into words in the early hours of the morning, as they had lain spent and breathless entwined in his bed sheets. Since that night, they had been inseparable.
/\
Eight days later. Earth, day thirty one.
Chakotay stood by the entrance to the bathroom for a short while watching with amusement as Kathryn battled with her hair. She turned to shoot him a glare when she sensed him laughing silently behind her, so dropping his arm from the door frame he came up behind her, so that they could see each other through the mirror. "I remember when you used to have your hair long," he smiled as he lowered his lips to the top of her head, taking in the smell of her shampoo.
"Did you prefer it that way?" she asked, putting down the pins on the shelf below the mirror.
"I don't know," he frowned as he raised both of his hands to the top of her head, sliding his fingers between the strands from her forehead and moving them back. "I think I prefer which ever style causes you the least amount of worry."
She laughed lightly, "that's rather neutral of you."
He let out a grunt, pulling her hair back and gathering it his hands as he leant down to place a kiss against the top of her shoulder, moving up to her neck and then tugging gently on her earlobe with his teeth. "You're so beautiful," he stated, straightening himself up, releasing her hair from his grasp and meeting her gaze in the mirror, "and I am so in love with you."
As he circled his arms around her middle she reached her hand back to place her palm against the side of his cheek, "and I love you."
Again he leant forwards, this time to place a kiss against her temple, when he looked back into the mirror he noticed a sadness in her expression that hadn't been there moments before. He shot her a questioning look, "Noah should be with us for this," she said, her voice filled with suppressed emotion.
Briefly he closed his eyes, "I know," he said in little more than a whisper.
"I miss him," she stated simply.
"Me too," Chakotay found he was incapable of elaborating, of giving his thoughts and feelings words, but he knew there was no need as she felt just the same. They slipped into a short silence, one that was charged with emotions and regrets and much pain. "Do you ever think about the daughter we almost had?" he asked at last.
"Sometimes," she replied.
"Do you think things would have been different between us if she had have been born?"
Kathryn frowned and looked in the mirror to study his face, wondering what had caused him to bring up that particular part of their past. "Probably?"
"Better?"
She sighed and shrugged, "I doubt it."
"Maybe she knew we weren't ready for her," his voice had dropped to a whisper.
She shook her head, and covered his hands around her middle with her own, "Chakotay…"
"I walked away," he ignored her soft warning to stop the conversation, "I never saw my own little girl."
"This was a long time ago," she reminded him.
"What did she look like?" he asked.
Kathryn closed her eyes for a moment, trying as hard as she could to block the memories that he was provoking to the surface, it was to no avail, and for an instant she was back in sickbay watching his back as he walked quickly away from her. "She looked like you," she said at last, her eyes finally opening, "the doctor placed her in my arms and I remember I cried because she was everything I love about you. She was perfect, with ten fingers and ten toes, and so small… I held her until her body grew cold and then the doctor took her out of my arms."
"I'm sorry I left," he said genuinely, and she was sure she saw a tear forming in the corner of his eye.
"We shouldn't dwell on this," she told him.
"I know," he let out a sigh.
She ran a hand soothingly up his arm, "we'll talk about this more some other time, when we're not in any rush to be anywhere."
He looked relieved that she was willing to discuss it with him, as he knew neither of them had reached closure on the miscarriage, and it was something that was best if they dealt with together. Finally he shot her a small smile, "I'd like that."
She returned the smile, "okay."
"Are you almost ready to go?" he quickly changed the topic to the present.
"Don't even think of rushing me Chakotay," she warned him, her expression turning to that of vague annoyance, "I'm having enough problems with my hair as it is."
Giving his best efforts to not to laugh at her dilemma he released his hold on her, and moved to sit on the edge of the bath tub. "Sorry," he said, watching as she again lifted the pins and her hair and attempted to put it into the style she wanted.
"So have you decided what you're going to do?" she asked as she worked.
Earlier that morning Starfleet had made the official announcement that the amnesty already offered to the former maquis was also to be extended to those aboard Voyager, their field ranks had also been confirmed and they had all been invited to remain in Starfleet. Chakotay wasn't sure whether of not he was going to accept the offer, but he had been given six months to decide what he wanted to do so he was in no rush to make any decisions. "I not sure to be honest," he replied, "I'm taking the extended leave, and keeping my options open."
She nodded seemingly satisfied with his answer and she started to pin her hair up. "Is your sister coming down to see you this week?"
"Actually I wanted to talk to you about that," he said, not having forgotten, just having not had the opportunity to discuss it with her.
"Oh?" she glanced around at him.
Chakotay looked almost reluctant to continue, but he did so anyway with little more than a short pause, "I'm going to visit Sekaya on Dorvan. She did offer to come to Earth, but I wanted to visit my old home world for a while."
"Okay," she looked in the mirror, having successfully pulled her shortened hair into a French twist and now tucking in any loose strands that she had missed, "when are you planning on leaving?"
"Tomorrow," he replied.
She turned around to give him a surprised look, "so soon?"
He nodded, "I'll be gone for a couple of months."
"A couple of months?" she repeated, "I won't be able to take that amount of time off on such short notice."
"I'm not asking you to," he glanced down at the floor, "I thought maybe some time apart would be good for us, so that we can decide if this relationship is really what we want."
"You have doubts?" she asked.
"Yes," he said honestly, "as I'm sure you do. But I don't want to commit myself fully to this relationship without knowing one hundred percent that this is what I want, and I don't want you to do that either."
"This is what I want," she insisted.
"I know you say that now," he sighed, "but I don't want you turning around to me in one year, or two years, or ten years and telling me that you regret having rushed so quickly back into a relationship with me."
"Those are your fears Chakotay, not mine," she stated.
He sighed, "Kathryn, we made a lot of mistakes last time we did this, I don't want to repeat any of that."
"Mistakes?" she glared across at him, "you mean when you cheated on me?"
"This is what I'm talking about," suddenly he stood up, "we're still blaming each other for issues that we haven't had the time to properly resolve. This is why I think we need some time apart, so that we can deal with and process everything that's happened in the past seven years, things that we've had to sweep under the rug and ignore in order for us to function as a command team."
"And this time apart…" she raised an eyebrow, "are we going to see other people? Maybe you should sleep with a few women to get it out of your system before we commit fully to each other."
"That's not what I'm suggesting," he folded his arms, "but talking of things we need to get out of our systems, have you spoken to the doctor about coming off your drugs?"
"You make it sound so sinister," she rolled her eyes and walked out of the bathroom and into her bedroom.
"I ignored your problem aboard Voyager," he followed her into the sleeping space of her house, "but don't expect me to do the same now we're back on Earth."
"Is this a condition of our marriage?" she asked, heading over to her wardrobe.
"No, this is about you learning to take care of yourself," he insisted, "when I come back, regardless of what decision you make about our relationship, I am going to do something about this."
"I'll be counting the days," she replied sarcastically, slipping her feet into a pair of high heels she had produced from her wardrobe.
Realising he had allowed what had so far been a pleasant evening turn into a repeat of their usual arguments he sat down on the edge of her bed feeling more than a little deflated. She seemed just as reluctant as he was to continue the argument, and so when he made no further comment, she felt no compulsion to say anything further either.
Chakotay watched as she continued getting herself ready. They were preparing to go up to San Francisco for a welcome home ball that Starfleet had prepared for the Voyager crew, the pathfinder project, various admirals and diplomats, and the partners of all those invited. He himself was dressed in a tuxedo, that irritated him about the collar, and Kathryn was wearing a deep blue silk dress that clung in all the right places, and showed just the right amount of cleavage. With her hair done up, earrings catching the light and her make up perfect she looked positively breathtaking, and if they weren't already running late and consumed by a chilling silence, he was sure that his hands and mouth would be all over her, distracting them both from getting ready for the ball.
After a short while Kathryn was finally ready to go and meet the private transport that was waiting for them both outside. "If you really don't want me to leave, I'll stay," he said as he saw she was about to exit the bedroom.
She turned round to see him still sitting on the edge of her bed, "and what about your sister?"
He shrugged, "she did offer to come here, I suppose she would do that."
Kathryn paused for a long moment before replying, "I don't want to trap you Chakotay. If you think that we need some time apart, then that's what we'll do."
She sounded sincere, but he had to ask, "are you sure?"
Shaking her head she shrugged, "I don't think it can do any harm."
He nodded, "I can come back earlier if you need me."
She shot him a brief smile, "we should leave now before we go beyond the point of being fashionably late."
Knowing she was right he stood from the mattress and followed behind her as she made her way downstairs and then to the front door. By the time they had reached the large hall, although neither of them had forgotten their disagreement they had both mutually agreed not to discuss it any further, and to simply enjoy the ball as they went around together to speak to every member of their former crew, taking it in turns to find excuses to cut short discussions with admirals and diplomats.
When Chakotay had left for the transport station the next morning, she had kissed him goodbye and had pretended to be okay with him leaving. But however good an actress she was, he could still tell that she wasn't pleased with his decision to leave Earth so soon after they had decided to again attempt a relationship. He had tried to explain to her then that it was the right thing for them both to do, that with the time and space for them both to clear their heads and to decide where they wanted to go next with their lives it would make them stronger. She had simply smiled and nodded, but at no point had she agreed with him.
Feeling that such a response was as good as he was going to get out of her, he left her house to catch the cargo ship that was heading for his home world. Chakotay knew that Kathryn was simply worrying that if he left her, then he may not return, especially now that he had the whole of the alpha quadrant to disappear in, but he was more than confident that when he eventually returned to Earth, he would decide to settle down there, and do what ever it took to make his relationship with her work.
Almost The End.