A/N: Because of updating so irregularly, I realize I've erred in the storyline. Kenza and Harvey broke up four years ago, not five.
Harvey was completely right about being scared of what Kenza would tell him, to trust her when he listened to her ''a million more reasons to hate me'' speech.
Harvey ends up getting up from the table, walking out of the café. Everything is a blur; he doesn't see anything or anyone and doesn't even react to the guy he just bumped in to who curses and yells at him.
He hurls the door open with every strength in himself, he's not even aware that Kenza is jogging or running behind him, hot on his heels.
As soon as he gets out, the tightness resting inside his chest like a heavy brick, comes flying out of his mouth when he curses at the top of his lungs.
''Fuck!'' Harvey yells in the middle of a street, people passing by, Kenza behind him.
He turns to Kenza, sees she's given up on fighting her tears, because they're streaming down her face. He takes notice of how the tears stains have travelled down her blouse.
He's furious, livid, angry.
He's confused, betrayed, shocked and feels ambushed.
He continues to curse, mentions every single curse word that exists in the dictionary.
Kenza is just looking at him.
She doesn't tell him to shut up, she doesn't tell him he's causing a scene.
He respects her reaction and Harvey thinks she has every damn right to be understanding in this situation.
After Harvey's done cursing, gesturing with his hands and making several intangible and incoherent sentences, the anger levels go down and he starts to gain control of himself.
Kenza isn't the only one with tears in her eyes anymore, suddenly Harvey feels tears forming at the corner of his eyes.
He's quiet now. They stare at each other in silence.
''I have a son?'' Harvey asks, so softly, it's like the person yelling just moments before was a complete different person.
His gaze is locked with Kenza's.
Kenza stares at him intently, nodding her head to confirm the question.
It's confusing what happens next, but Harvey ends up feeling relieved. He doesn't know how or why, it feels completely misplaced, but somehow, somewhere, a little bit of happiness wakes inside of him.
''You have a son,'' Kenza says.
A tear drops from Harvey's eyes as he takes a moment to close his eyes, to register this information. He has a son; he has a kid. He has an actual kid.
''Why the hell wouldn't you tell me this?'' Harvey continues, language colorful, but his tone remains calm.
Kenza squeezes her eyes shut, tears still falling. She opens her mouth, but she chokes up on the words. Nothing comes out.
She tries again while Harvey just watches her mouth move. ''Because,'' she begins, takes a deep breath. ''I'm stupid.''
Harvey knows Kenza, she is the furthest thing from stupid. She is smart, logical, analytical, book smart and street smart, but in this moment, he can't do anything but agree with her so he nods.
It's not demeaning or insulting, it's just stating the fact, what she has done was stupid. Something stupid for both of them, unjust towards Harvey. Mean, cruel, whatever it may be.
Come to think about it, stupid for three of them.
They are three.
''Jesus Christ,'' Harvey whispers, grabs his jaw, covering his agape mouth. He's shocked.
''Why, Kenza?''
He takes a step closer to her, closes the spacious gap that existed just a moment ago when he was throwing his fit.
''I was scared. I was shocked. I was in disbelief. I lied to myself, I lied to everyone. I was supposed to give him away to a loving family, he was supposed to grow up with parents who were together, who were fit to raise him,'' Kenza explains, he hears the raw emotions in her voice, as if these thoughts and decisions were just to be taken yesterday.
She's reliving the moment.
''But towards the end, I couldn't. I really couldn't. I felt guilty for robbing that family off of their hope, but today I know, they have adopted two siblings and are so happy.''
Even in moments like these, Harvey remembers how caring she was of everything and everyone, always putting herself last, sacrificing herself for the sake of others.
He thinks that she's still in touch with this family, because she couldn't live with the guilt of harming someone.
Unless it was Harvey, apparently.
''But then I decided to have him. I was battling back and forth with telling you, but we ended things so nasty when I left for Seattle. I was thinking of the conversations the both of us had and then…'' She takes a deep breathe, pauses, looks down to the ground and back to Harvey. ''I think you know, why I was so reluctant to tell you, Harvey,'' she finishes.
Now it's Harvey's turn to feel like a dick.
He feels uneasy and has to swallow the gulp of discomfort in his throat, has to look away.
He nods because now he's the one remembering things. He doesn't know if he wants to think about the past, cringe at his past self or apologize to Kenza, even though he apologized so many times before.
''But it wasn't just that, okay?'' Kenza chimes in, sees him tracing off to his thoughts. ''You were right, in there.'' She gestures to the café beside them, where they were sitting and unloading a bunch of shit.
''It was also partly because of my parents; that I didn't tell you. They didn't know either, I hid this from everyone.''
She closes the gap between the two of them fully, puts her hand on his arm.
''Please, I need to sit down.''
Harvey immediately gets concerned, logically he knows that they're having an emotionally and very mentally exhausting conversation, but with all the information she's been giving him for the past hour, he thinks of her condition.
He grabs her hand and they slowly walk towards a bench; they sit down together.
They sit quiet for a bit, resting shoulder to shoulder and then all of a sudden, Kenza ends up grabbing Harvey's hand.
It feels so natural and habitual that their fingers intertwine perfectly, as if her hand had just rested in his latest a day ago. He feels more at peace.
Her welcomes her presence.
''When I came to Seattle, I was a wreck. I had no social life; I was overwhelmed with work. I didn't see anyone but my colleagues and clients for weeks, even months. I was buried with work and I was so depressed. Harvey, I was so heartbroken, but I refused to admit it to myself. I was mad at you for not coming with me, I was mad at myself for not telling my parents the truth. A woman, just a year shy from her 30s who was still lying to her parents. I lost myself, I was so cold and stoic. I barely spoke to my family. I kinda resented them after our breakup, even though they knew nothing of us, I blamed them for our breakup, I blamed you, too and I blamed myself. It was just such a dark time.''
Harvey just listens.
Kenza continues.
''Somewhere, midst the depression and all the stress with a new job, new promotion and new city, hell, a new state. I forgot about my own damn period,'' Kenza laughs at this and Harvey can't help but immaturely smile, because Kenza's laugh is one of Harvey's favorite sounds.
''Three months, dude.'' She jerks him with her shoulder, enjoying this playful manner of hers, her ability to switch the tension so easily in her conversations.
''Three months before I started remembering it, but even then, I didn't think I was pregnant. You know how stress sometimes messes up my period.''
Of course, Harvey knew. They were together for four years, lived together for three.
''I didn't have any symptoms. I don't know if that makes me lucky or unlucky, but one day, my stomach was killing me. I thought it was my appendix, because I remember when I had to drive you to the hospital for yours.''
Harvey remembers that, too.
He was a bitch, but Kenza was caring and patient and worried as hell.
While Harvey insisted it was nothing and he could drink it off, Kenza was already dressing him up to drive him to the hospital.
Kenza ended up being right, within 30 minutes, he was in an emergency room, removing his appendix.
''But when I arrived at the hospital, and the nurse asked me to, y'know, raise my leg, do a little jump and all that jazz, she asked me: ''Are you pregnant?'' Harvey, when I tell you, my world turned upside-down,'' she sighs, takes another small break and Harvey continues to listen, just brushes her thumb where their hands rest intertwined.
''Everything started to make sense, they did a urine test, and it was positive. I asked them to do another, they reluctantly did. I still didn't believe it. Then they showed me my blood results, too. And well, the math added up. Three months ago, we had our breakup sex.''
Harvey laughs this time.
He remembers it, can still feel Kenza's body underneath him and a part of him starts to feel warm by the memory alone.
''So I first thought of abortion, I had a panic attack, I felt so lonely and lost. I was losing my fucking mind. I booked a time, but I didn't go. I got too scared. Then I thought about reaching out to you, but I was so convinced that I wasn't gonna go through with it, that I was just gonna have this baby and give him or her up and no one would know. But like I said, I couldn't. I really tried though.''
Kenza stares blankly in front of her, her mind wandering off somewhere else.
Harvey thinks for one second that he can't imagine what she was going through, at the same time, he feels all of her emotions, too, just right now and just moments ago.
''When I decided on having him, though. I wrote so many drafts of messages to you, my whole phone is filled with unsent messages meant for you on my Notes app. Everyday I wanted to call you, everyday I wanted to write to you. You know I'm a better writer than a speaker, hence the unsent messages.''
Harvey nods, he doesn't know what else to do. He thinks she's great at both, but he lets it be. He knows she was the type to text and he was the type to call.
''But then… I remembered.''
Harvey knows where this is headed, he inhales sharply, his heart stops beating for a bit.
''Yeah,'' Harvey whispers, his voice shockingly hoarse.
Harvey and Kenza weren't the world's healthiest couple, but they were far from toxic.
The two of them could count on one hand their disastrous fights that left them with scars and a long recovery time and they both knew exactly what those fights happened to be about.
Kenza refusing to be honest about herself to her parents, making Harvey seem non-existent.
Kenza leaving for Seattle or Harvey making her choose between her job and him.
Their pregnancy scare, two years into their relationship.
Harvey thought he lost Kenza for good after the pregnancy scare. She packed her bags and was gone for more than a week, close to two weeks.