A/N: previous years
Harvey thought he lost Kenza for good after the pregnancy scare. She packed her bags and was gone for more than a week, close to two weeks.
She didn't answer texts, calls or voicemails and the two times Harvey went into her office, she was never there, it was as if she knew exactly when or how to avoid him, which knowing Kenza, was probably a very true statement.
Harvey feels shameful about it, even though he apologized profoundly after it happened and even when it happened, Harvey went way out of his line and crossed some boundaries he was never supposed to cross.
He remembers everything about that period of time.
They had been dating for two years, living together for one and Harvey was insanely in love, a way he had never been before.
Everything about Kenza left Harvey in a trance. Her curls, her dark skin, the small bump on her nose, her plump lips.
Her values, her talents, her stances, her work ethic, her activism, the way she held herself, the things she went through and handled it all so gracefully, the way she thought, the way she formulated herself, the way she joked, the way he made her laugh.
Everything about her was perfect.
Everything about the two of them felt perfect with the exception of Kenza's stubbornness about her family's stubbornness.
But for a week and even more, Kenza had been acting weird, seemingly cold, and distant. While Kenza was the usual type to always cling onto and cuddle with Harvey at the privacy of their home or majority of the time, initiating their fun times in the bedroom, this week all of that had just faltered away.
Whatever Harvey asked or did, Kenza wouldn't respond like she normally would.
While she would blast music every damn evening and dance and occasionally force Harvey to get up and dance to, sometimes even to Moroccan or Dutch music, all of this seemed to disappear.
Something was up and leave it to Harvey to let his past relationship issues come to surface. Instead of communicating like he normally did with Kenza, she was always open and honest about her emotions, not once acting out passive-aggressively, he came home a little drunk from an afterwork thing with some high-end businessmen from Hong Kong.
When he got home, Kenza was still up, watching some TV show he couldn't remember.
She greeted him, but not like she usually does. No hug, no kiss.
''Hey, babe.'' At least she still called him babe. He poured himself up some scotch before he went down to sit next to her. He sipped two large gulps of the scotch.
''Damn, you're a bit drunk,'' Kenza joked and for the first time in a long while, she smiled. But Harvey shut that down fast enough.
While Kenza was looking at Harvey, smiling to his face, Harvey's face was made of stone. He looked her dead in the eyes. ''Are you fucking someone else?'' He asked, point blank.
Harvey remembers the exact moment when he saw the sudden shift in Kenza's eyes. She looked like a part of her died. Instead of Harvey understanding that he erred, he made matters worse. He took another sip of his scotch, breaking their gaze.
They would both, much, much later, come to the conclusion that he made matters worse by being drunk, that maybe this conversation would take place even if he was sober, but not in this way, not in this extent.
''Well?'' Harvey asked.
Kenza inhaled sharply, he felt her shift next to him.
''Are you fucking kidding me!?'' She answered.
Harvey still didn't look at her, he was angry and he was drunk.
''Are you fucking kidding me, I said!'' Kenza repeated herself. ''Did you actually ask me that? Harvey, look at me.'' Harvey turned to look at her. ''Are you, really, coming home, way after you said you would be home, finding me on your couch with clothes I have been wearing for the past three days, if I went ahead and cheated on you?''
Harvey took his last sip of scotch, kept the glass in his hand.
''That's not an answer.''
''Where is this coming from? Why the hell would I be cheating on you?'' Kenza stood up from the couch now, the blanket falling off of her legs and landing on the floor at her feet.
''You tell me,'' Harvey prompted, clutching the glass even harder.
''I'm not cheating on you, why and how could you even think that?'' Kenza was standing over Harvey, looking down at him where he was reclining back on the couch.
Harvey smirked, thinking back to Tina's words I'm not cheating on you when Harvey found a black curl on his side of the pillow. Tina was blonde and Harvey was a brunette and since Harvey wasn't attracted to guys with black curls, it wasn't hard to understand which one of them were unfaithful.
While all of this was happening, Harvey was simultaneously thinking about his parents and their mess of a relationship.
''Why are you getting so defensive?'' Harvey asked, a smirk on his face.
He didn't find any hairs or see any sign of Kenza hiding her phone, she would leave it on the table, plain open for Harvey to see, but it was something… he didn't know what, but something was not right.
He didn't appreciate Kenza getting upset when to be fair, Harvey felt pretty calm. Yeah, he was drunk and being an ass, but this was not the woman he knows.
''Why am I getting defensive? Because I have no idea where the fuck this is coming from! You know I would never do that to you! What is all of this really about, Harvey?''
No babe, no baby, but Harvey.
Neither one of them knew how to react to what happened next, it made the two of them spend more than 10 weeks in couple's counseling together.
Harvey raised his hand, threw his whiskey glass from across the room. It hit the floor, shattered in pieces and when Harvey shamefully cleaned the pieces up the next day, fully sober, he would find out that several dents were made on the floor.
He heard Kenza gaps, he took one look at her and immediately sobered up.
Her huge eyes had gotten bigger, pure terror was reflecting in her eyes and her body posture, staring fearfully at Harvey. She wasn't tall, but all of a sudden she looked so much smaller and as if she happened to shrink within seconds.
''Kenza, shit, shit, shit,'' Harvey began and immediately got up from the couch, but his reactions were too sudden for the both of them.
Too sudden for Harvey who was apparently a lot more drunk than he thought he was, and too sudden for Kenza who immediately took several steps away from Harvey.
''Baby, no,'' Harvey continued. ''Baby, I'm so sorry, I'm so, so, so sorry.'' But it was too late and if there was one moment in his life that Harvey could replay over and over to hate himself, it would be this one.
It would be, throwing his stupid glass across the room, when he was drunk and with Kenza. Kenza who had just been in two short relationships prior to Harvey, the first one being with an abusive asshole who would punch walls and throw shit before he would physically attack Kenza.
While Kenza had spent two years of her life in therapy to undo the damage her ex had done onto her, she had began a new chapter in her life, carried her head higher and had no fears when the two of them would end up fighting.
Because they were overall good, every and any couple fights. They fought within limit, they fought with reason. They always came to an understanding.
For the first time, Harvey saw that her past had actually left her with scars she refused to show to anyone. She stepped back from Harvey and Harvey just put his hands up, ashamed and angry with himself.
''I'm so sorry. That was fucked up of me.''
Kenza had tear in her eyes, but she didn't cry.
''Do that again, and I swear to you, you'll never see my face again.'' Even through her tears and fear, she looked Harvey dead in the eyes and spoke with an unwavering voice.
''I know, Kenza, I know. It was uncalled for. I'm sorry.''
Harvey wished that was the end of that night, but it wasn't.
While Kenza locked herself inside of their shared bathroom, Harvey began drinking water to sober himself up. He didn't know how to handle the situation. He couldn't be onto her, he needed to give her some space, but at the same time, he wanted her to know how sorry and regretful he was and how much he truly loved her.
Even if she was cheating on him.
Kenza came out off the bathroom, Harvey hung his head shamefully, both of his hands resting at the kitchen island, he was a bit scared to look at her. But Kenza wasn't scared anymore, she was pissed. She stood at the other end of the kitchen island.
''Just because we haven't fucked for a week you automatically think I'm cheating on you?'' Kenza began. It was her time to be in charge of the conversation, taking up more space and dominance, similar to Harvey before.
''You wanna know why I've been so off? Here you go!'' Kenza took her hand out from behind her back and slid something onto the kitchen island.
Now Harvey had been in some pretty serious relationships before Kenza and had been in them a lot more than she had, but he had never gotten to the point of seeing a pregnancy test be brought up between them, and never on his kitchen island.
He had been smart about being protected and he thought Kenza was smart enough too.
He saw the two lines, wasn't stupid and knew exactly what that meant.
He looked up at Kenza in disbelief.
''What's this?'' Harvey asked, he knew what this was, but what the actual fuck? Kenza was pregnant?
''I'm pregnant.'' Kenza said, shrugging her shoulders slightly as if this was a casual conversation they were having.
''What do you mean you're pregnant? You… you're on the pill, no? I see you take them, I—I fucking went and picked up your prescription for you just two months ago.'' Harvey felt so childish, but he didn't even want to hold the pregnancy test.
Too many things were happening for his drunk brain to be able to register anything, he was really regretting his last glass of scotch.
''Gee, thanks, babe,'' Kenza retorted sarcastically.
''Don't be sarcastic with me, what the hell is this? We're not gonna have a baby, we talked about this, I'm not… I'm… no, just no. We are not bringing in a baby into this world, you're taking a pill or whatever they have to do.''
There were different ways of going about this situation especially when the two of them had had several mature conversations about bringing children into the world. They shared majority of the same views, none of them felt ready for it, at least not for another five years. They were happy with their careers and Kenza said she could never have a baby without being married, not because she herself cared, but because her family would never accept a grandchild out of wedlock.
Maybe one day, Harvey had made a remark about how he was one day looking forward to see what a mix of the two of them would be, but he didn't mean that to be just months after their conversation happened.
''Don't talk to me like that! Don't tell me what to do, you know how I feel about that.'' It reminded her of her parents and while she loved her parents and was dubiously loyal to them, she also hated them for being so controlling.
''Why are you not freaking out?'' Harvey countered.
''What do you think I've been doing for the past ten days!? I've been taking these tests day in, day out. I've been googling shit; I haven't been able to sleep or work.''
''Kenza, tell me, you are not keeping this baby, I can not have a baby right now.''
Harvey wished there was a manual for the right and wrong things to say, because he was winging it and while the two of them could have such mature and logical conversations, no logic existed in his brain tonight.
Everything was just heightened emotions, a mix of every possible emotion and a clusterfuck of confusion. ''And you think I can? I'm in the height of my career, I'm unmarried, my parents would kill me, I'm lost, I don't know what to do.''
In hindsight, Harvey knew that Kenza was talking about something bigger that night, she didn't know what to do with this whole situation, thinking she had to go through this alone, she had not even mentioned it to Harvey for over a week.
But Harvey happened to misinterpret it at that moment. ''What do you mean you don't know what to do? There is no baby, we are not having a baby, that's what you're going to do.'' Harvey ended up raising his voice and he was sure that Kenza hated him in that moment.
Even though just sentences ago, she had told him to stop being so patronizing, he repeated himself and this time Kenza started crying, it was mostly out of frustration, that he knew. For so long she had carried this by herself, being too scared to talk about it with Harvey and then he had accused her of cheating and then was telling her to abort a baby.
He knew that Kenza didn't want to have a baby, not now, but for one second, he couldn't stop himself to understand that she was scared of Harvey's reaction and scared of the procedure that the two of them knew was waiting her.
But they never got to that.
''I'm not having this, baby. And seeing your true colors show tonight, I don't think I ever want kids with you. You're a fucking plus 30-year-old who refuses to go to therapy, claims he dealt with his past relationship trauma, but you're projecting your insecurities onto me. Instead of thinking of any real, plausible reason for me being distant, you immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm sleeping with someone else. But let me be the grown up and say I'm sorry for not being able to bring this up with you sooner, I'm sorry for not being able to be honest with you, but I was confused as to how I ended up in this situation, I'm on the damn pill. I'm thinking about my parents, I'm feeling like I'm 17, brainwashed with the thought of sex and abortion is a sin. These are the things I've been telling you that you won't ever understand about me or even try to understand about me.''
Kenza was crying and while Harvey finally gained some insight and learned to shut up, when he wanted to hug her, Kenza refused.
He apologized thoroughly that night already.
But Kenza was obviously distraught, packed her bags and said she needed some distance, she had sold her apartment, so she was staying at a hotel, but also looking at other places. Harvey thought he was really losing her when it was the last thing he wanted.
After a week, she allowed Harvey to visit her at the hotel, they stayed up six hours that night, just talking things out. She had booked a time for the abortion for next week and Harvey was going with her. They didn't tell anyone, not even Donna, that they were taking time a part.
But the next day, Kenza called Harvey within work hours, that's how Harvey knew something was immediately wrong. He answered the call to a Kenza who sounded so incredibly exhausted, he rushed to the hotel, kept the spare key in his pocket from last night and once he was inside, Kenza called him in to the bathroom.
She was sitting on the toilet, tears in her eyes, her open palm reaching out to Harvey's hand. Harvey glanced to the shower, the floor was still a bit wet and there was blood near the shower drain.
Harvey sighed deeply, kneeled in front of Kenza, pushed away her wet hair, kissed her forehead and held her hand while they waited the miscarriage out.
The next day, Kenza checked out of the hotel and moved back in with Harvey. Harvey was the one to find her a new, greatly reviewed therapist to deal with what she went through and joined her after a few sessions to do counseling therapy they both agreed too.
While Harvey was scared that this fight was going to break them, it brought them closer together and it felt impossible, but he felt more in love with Kenza.
He had heard her traumatic stories and saw that she was living proof of going through something and coming out stronger, but now they went through something together, and he was there to witness how strong she was and there was no other person he would want to be next to than her.
Harvey never raised a glass or threw anything ever again, in fact, he took down all his scotch and promised to never drink it at home ever again. He never told Kenza that, but she knew.
They ended up coming out stronger, but of course it left its reminder and that's why Harvey could understand her not wanting to tell Harvey that they had a son together.