They sat in silence on that bench, Harvey's work phone had been buzzing repeatedly. They should've met after work instead of lunch hour, he thinks.
Even though he knows Donna's doing her best dealing with his work situation right now.
Kenza and Harvey sit in silence, their intertwined hands untangling out of their web, and Harvey lets his hands rest on his own lap, but his hand still remians warm from where Kenza's cold hand rested.
He looks at Kenza and notices just how exhausted she looks.
That something is off with her physically and his stomach churns again.
"So," Harvey breaks the silence, his voice hoarse and raspy. "Where do we go from here?"
It's a genuine question, what's next for them? What's next for their son? What does Kenza have, did she get treatment? Is she in treatment?
Did she come here to tell them they have a son and he's going to be living with her parents in the Netherlands?
Is she here to give him full custody? Are they gonna co-parent for a while?
Harvey must stop his own train of thoughts because he feels the air growing tighter in his chest. He identifies it as anxiety and it's the last thing he's going to entertain for now.
It's too much. Everything all at once is too much.
He still loves this woman, is sure he will to his last breath, but damn is he frustrated with her.
"It's been a long day today, I know you need to head back to work," Kenza responds and it feels so stupid in Harvey's ears.
He thinks she just dropped a bomb, several bombs on him and now she's just trying to usher him back to work like these intense fits of emotions and conversations didn't happen.
Work had been both of their main focus, the only reason they got so close in the beginning of their relationship. Sometimes Kenza would joke it was their religion, but now who gave a shit about work?
But she's right, he knows.
"Let everything sink in. I'm here when you're ready to meet me and talk to me more and of course… I want you to meet our son, your son," Kenza says softly, and Harvey feels at unease and ease simultaneously and he wonders how that can be.
But he just nods and doesn't even realize that one side of his mouth has curled upwards a bit, a nervous smile.
"Yeah," Harvey breaths.
"If you want to, of course," Kenza says all of a sudden, rushed and nervous.
Harvey shakes his head; it's only fit that there is room for so much anxiety between them. They spent years not communicating and all of a sudden they had to come to agreement about the greatest responsibilities out there. "I do," he reassures her. He wants to meet his kid.
Kenza stands up before Harvey, and she looks down at him where he remains seated on the bench.
The look she's giving him, those big brown eyes staring at him, is making him feel powerless again.
The hold she had of him.
The woman he would leave his work for, his city for, Jessica and Donna for.
"I'm sorry, again. I know I robbed you off so much and put you in a situation you never dreamed of. There's no excuse for my behavior. I can point blame all I want, but in the end, I made the choices for me to end up here. Unfortunately, I made the choices for you too."
Harvey just nods. Then Kenza takes a step forward, Harvey still looks up at her.
She gently embraces him in a hug, his head resting on her chest, and he feels the tender peck Kenza leaves on the top of his head.
Harvey embraces her, hands tightly around her waist as he inhales sharply.
It brings back memories of their breakup. This same position while he was crying on the couch, and she was telling him she needed to leave.
Harvey asked her to stay, told her not to leave three times. He still remembers.
The last thing she did was embrace him just like this. Both of their tears creating a mess.
Harvey finally snaps back to reality, brings himself back and Kenza also lets him out of her embrace. The moment lasted for mere seconds but felt so long still.
He feels so vulnerable and hurt again, in the midst of Manhattan too, during broad daylight.
"Get back to work," Kenza says with a smile on her face and Harvey smiles back and just nods.
"Let my driver drive you home at least," Harvey offers as he finally feels stable enough to stand up.
Kenza shakes her head no. "It's fine."
This was another confirmation just how much space, time and distance had altered their relationship, but Harvey accepts her answer, waits for her to get into her Uber and then he heads back to the office.
He calls Donna as soon as he's in the car.
The line doesn't even have a chance to ring once when Donna speaks, "Yes?"
Harvey takes a deep breath. "Holy shit," is all Harvey can let out.
But he knows he owes it to himself and Kenza to put a cork on this, because otherwise he would be overthinking the whole day, so he shifts his focus to work.
"About the Benson—?"
"All taken care of," Donna reassures in the same sentence, barely letting him speak.
"Jessica?" Harvey asks.
"Mike's on the case, I told both Jessica and Mike you have a terrible stomach, borderline food poisoning so you have to act the part when you get in."
Harvey chuckles and nods, much needed reaction for the time being. Him being pale and lightheaded will fit the part right.
Once he gets into his office, Mike is already standing there, and Donna has been eyeing Harvey the whole time.
"Hey, Donna said you were sick," Mike says, fiddling with the papers in his hands.
"I'll live," Harvey gets back.
Harvey finds himself turning off a switch in his head once he's at the office, he's thankful Kenza pushed him to get back the same day.
He's sure he would've lost it if he didn't.
Before he knows it, it's almost 7pm and Donna's finally made her way into his office for the final time.
He senses it in her demeanor, the way she sneakily shuts the door that she's here to talk about what they have been tiptoeing around the whole day.
Harvey looks up from his desk, letting the pen fall onto the papers.
"How are you feeling?" Donna asks.
Harvey shifts in his chair, finally letting the walls down and trying to register the question fully.
He opens his mouth and smacks it close, hands waying in the air as a gesture to find the right words and he finally does, "like a shit show," he answers.
Donna's head bobs up and down in agreement and understanding.
She wears the same expression he does. They're overwhelmed.
"How are you feeling?" Harvey reciprocates and watches as Donna takes a seat on the couch.
"Like a shit show," Donna repeats.
They don't get any further than that when they see Jessica right outside of the glass doors.
By the time she's opening the door, Harvey adjusts himself in his seat, with his back straight.
Another turn of a switch.
"Hey," Jessica greets as she walks in. "How's the quote unquote upset stomach, almost food poisoning?" Jessica asks and it's the way she's looking at Harvey that makes him feel she doesn't believe it in the slightest.
Before Harvey can answer the question, Jessica continues. "Must be pretty good when you were outside for lunch with Kenza Diouri," Jessica finishes.
Well, they were in a very public outing so it only serves them right. Harvey's too tired to ask how and who, so he just accepts his fate.
"Is she back in town? Crawling back to the office?" Jessica asks.
Behind Jessica, Donna lets out a humorless laughter, drawing Jessica's attention from Harvey to her.
Harvey stares at Donna dumbfounded while Donna seems nervous, looking between both Jessica and Harvey.
"I mean — I don't think so," Donna offers.
"No," Harvey answers her question. "She's not, we didn't talk any business, at least we didn't get to it," he explains.
Jessica nods. "Just don't bring that mess back into work. I can't have you as distracted as when she left."
Harvey just nods to leave it like that. What else is there to say?
Jessica leaves the office but she seems suspicious and it's back to Harvey and Donna just staring at each other.
"What are you gonna do?" Donna asks and this time Harvey's getting up. "Right now,'' Harvey begins as he's organizing his things on his desk mindlessly. ''I'm going home."
Donna just nods and starts getting ready with him. They both leave the office and leave the Kenza conversations to an end for now.
Once Harvey gets home, to the same apartment him and Kenza shared, he goes straight to the bar and brings out his whisky.
It was one of the first things he did when she left, stacked back on his scotch.
There were so many times he wanted to leave this apartment after her, they already put it up for sale when planning on to leaving for Seattle, but once Kenza left, Harvey couldn't bring himself to do it.
This was the only place that carried so many of her memories and memories of them, he wasn't ready to let that go. The only woman who's had this grip over him after so many years.
He drinks and can't help but to fall victim to his own thoughts. He thinks of everything. The fact that he's a father. With the woman he still loves.
The only woman who he ever felt comfortable enough to talk about kids with, at least in his adulthood.
He heads to the shower, glass still in his hand as he strips naked. He takes an ice-cold shower and enjoys the sensation of the cold prickling his sink in.
"Let it sink in." Kenza had said to him.
How much could he let it sink in? It was his reality; he had a child who he knew nothing about.
After finishing his drink and getting out of the shower, he tried to go to bed super early, because he did not know what else to do, but all he did was toss and turn.
No matter how much he tries to fall asleep, nothing helps. He gives up on sleep after a while.
He picks up his phone as he sighs deeply. He scrolls all the way to the unsaved numbers, remembers the last two digits like it's burned into his brain of one of the contacts and then clicks on the conversation.
Last text.
From 2018.
Unsaved number: The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. No matter how it ends, I care for you, and I always will.
Harvey clicks on the number and starts a call.
It rings for a little while and Harvey feels the anxiety creep up on him, his heart beating faster.
"Hey," Kenza answers.
"Can I come over?" Harvey goes straight to the point. "I want to see him."
Because he does, he's impatient to see his own kid.
"Of course, he's asleep already, but come over," Kenza says.
He puts on some casual clothes, orders his car ride to the address Kenza pinned and then he's suddenly in front of the apartment.
He gets buzzed in and while he's standing in the elevator, he feels himself acting on autopilot.
There's no more anxiety.
He's a grown ass man who had sex and had a kid.
God knows he's been more irresponsible with fleeting attraction and mere one-night interactions, so Harvey in some weird way is thankful.
That this was the best possible outcome.
He's just about to knock on Kenza's door, but she opens it before he has a chance to.
She's smiling at him and for once Harvey feels like it's normal, in this abnormal situation.
"Welcome," Kenza says.
Harvey walks in, they make their way through the hallway and Harvey's inspecting everything.
He noticed her tone being a bit lower and he resorts to whispering automatically.
"Is he asleep?" Harvey feels dumb for asking it but who knows with kids, they're unpredictable for all he knows.
Kenza laughs a little. "Yeah, still sleeping. He can sleep through a storm, you're good," Kenza responds with her pitch all normal.
"Come," she takes him to kitchen and opens up the fridge. "Coffee, tea, carbonated water?" Kenza asks, but before Harvey can answer, she's already reaching for the Pellegrino. Harvey grins and just thanks her as he's handing it over to Harvey.
They sit across from each other at the kitchen island.
Kenza seems more confident than Harvey who's sinking into the seat.
"What do you wanna know?" Kenza offers, placing her phone in front of her where it rests between them.
He's grateful she's taking control of the conversation because he's not sure where to start himself. He came over in a rush because he couldn't bury the thought or feeling of wanting to meet his own kid.
"What's his name?" Harvey finds himself asking out of impulse, the question didn't even register in his brain.
Kenza just smiles. "Isaac," she answers and Harvey feels a warmth inside his chest.
It was one of the first names they agreed to for their hypothetical kid's name. It was in the beginning of their relationship, and they might've been a bit drunk while having that interaction. It was mostly an entertaining and bickering conversation while they were snuggled up on Kenza's couch in her old apartment.
But one thing was clear that night; they didn't like any of the same names. Not for girls and not for boys. It was impossible, really. Kenza was throwing such weird names and got mad when Harvey didn't like them. Then Harvey suggested names and Kenza found a way to dissect said names and make fun of Harvey's name ideas.
Then Harvey had been quiet for a while and blurted out Isaac.
Kenza who had been laying with her head on his chest jerked up in an instant and Harvey had just began rolling his eyes, throwing his head back to demonstrate his dramatic response to their differences when Kenza excitedly was tugging on his shirt.
Harvey looked down to an excited face. "Isaac, I like that!" Then it was nothing more to that drunken conversation.
They were newly in love and young and everything was hypothetical when it suddenly wasn't.
Harvey gets back to the conversation. "When was he born?"
Kenza's grin seems to be growing wider. "November 18th, 2019."
Harvey finds himself laughing, all at ease. "You're kidding me," he says. But Kenza shakes her head no, smile on her face.
"Your birthday."
"My birthday."
They say in unison.
Kenza picks up her phone midst the joy, just taps the screen open and turns the phone over. Her screen picture.
It's a little boy and Harvey has to audible gulp.
There was a little boy who resembled just like Harvey's own baby pictures. Only difference was the bigger curls and the darker skin.
Harvey doesn't know what to say.
Well if he ever doubted if the kid was his, this would be a stop to it.
"He looks just like you, I know!" Kenza is speaking for him.
"Do you wanna see him at all? He was super easy to deal with today, I could send the nanny home earlier too, she's become like an aunt to him and my pillar in all of this."
Harvey just nods and get up from his seat, follows Kenza to one of the closed room. They make their way inside, it's dark so Harvey's super careful behind Kenza.
The door remains open and the light from the hallway illuminates a third of the room.
Kenza also lightens up the room with her phone and they walk into what he's assuming is her bedroom.
In the big king size, there's a bunch of pillows on both sides, forming a little safe haven in the middle of the bef.
Kenza carefully gets on the bed, knees sinking into the mattress and slowly motions with her hand for Harvey to join her.
Suddenly, he feels petrified. He stops dead in his tracks while he analyzes the small bump of a person under the blanket.
But he grabs Kenza's hand, the one she's gesturing with, even though he knew that's not what she intended.
Kenza puts down her phone, grabs Harvey's hand and makes more room for him.
She senses the tension and fear, brings him closer to her while she gently rubs her back. She picks up her phone again and holds it lightly over the child's face.
He's lying on his belly, the side of his face squished onto the pillow underneath him, lips all pouted. He's tiny, Harvey thinks.
So this is what his kid looks like.
"That's Isaac," Kenza whispers.
Harvey feels like he's in a fever dream.
He's thankful for Kenza's close embrace because it's the only thing anchoring him to reality, that he is in fact here.
He is in fact sitting on a bed with his ex and their child in front of them.
A part of Harvey wants to pick Isaac up, shower him with hugs and kisses and he's shocked wherever this instinct comes from because for an eternity he thought he was incapable of harboring those feelings.
But turns out he's not.
All he wants is to analyze every detail on his face, hear the way he sounds, pick up on his habits, find out about his small personality.
He can't do that so instead, Harvey starts weeping. Being overwhelmed didn't cover anything he felt.
Not fighting back tears, not letting a tear fall, he's just straight up crying but doing it so silently. He just lets the tears fall.
He hears Kenza take a deep breath next to him, and suddenly, she's embracing him fully.
Just like earlier today. His head against her chest.
She's still rubbing on his back and is now running her fingers through his hair and there's nothing Harvey wants more than this.
All of this, for an eternity.
Everything will be okay if he just stays here, if he doesn't pick himself up.
If he doesn't have to miss Kenza, if she didn't leave for Seattle, if she didn't have their kid behind his back, if she wasn't dying.
"C'mere," Kenza whispers in his ear. "Let's go," she stands up, but never letting go of Harvey in any way she can.
She's intertwining their fingers.
Harvey takes one last look through his blurry vision at the little kid who didn't flinch or budge once and walks out with Kenza where they silently close the door.
He can't say anything.
They stand in the hallway again and Kenza's apologizing repeatedly.
"I'm sorry for doing this to you, I'm sorry."
She should be, Harvey thinks, but it's both real and unreal anger towards her.
Because in a fucked-up way, he understands her, knows her, even.
Once Harvey gets a grip of himself, he wipes his tears away and they sit on the couch in the living room. They sit next to each other, both of their knees touching.
Kenza leans back on the couch, her knee still touching his and is turned to look at Harvey who just looks straight ahead of him to compose himself.
Once he does, he leans back and stares at her too, the weight of her knee still warm against his.
They had always been an over affectionate couple in private and it felt both odd and natural that they both just picked up where they left off even if they were exes. Harvey thinks, however, it has to do with all the external and extremes factors that lead up to this.
If Kenza had been back healthy and without a kid, it'd be a different situation.
But Kenza had continued a part of their life together without informing Harvey and completely excluding him from it. So maybe all the touchiness between them was appropriate and needed right now.
"What's the next step?" Harvey asks and runs a hand across his face, to make sure the tears are gone, and he can remain focused.
Kenza lets out a deep sigh.
"I'm not sure… I feel like I'm taking it day by day. One was letting you know, and I didn't know how'd you react, now I know and that's over. I feel relieved, but I don't know," Kenza answers honestly.
"I guess in my head, I wanted you two to meet. In a fantasy world, I wanted you to want him and offer to take care of him and raise him when I'm gone, but there's still so much we have to go through."
Harvey just listens.
"My parents got to meet him two summers ago for the first time, I came clean about our relationship and just my life, really. Life as a Dutch teenager, my life in America, all that. I thought they were going to kill me, I showed up to their door with a baby in my arms. It wasn't a nice reaction. It was a lot of yelling, a lot of name-calling, what a shame and dishonor, threats of being disowned and then the same reaction as yours, a lot of tears. They were mad at me, but not Isaac. I stayed there for a few weeks, and it was like we were a normal family, religious and cultural beliefs put to the side. I only told them about Isaac and my real life, but not about my health. What happened to me… It just put things into perspective for me, I wanted my family to be a part of my new family no matter what. And God forbid if something did happen to me, I know they'd raise him well. I mean I've seen how they are with him. But still… the fear of how they brought me up is always lurking. I have more faith in you than them, but just know if you can't, they're there. My family, my parents, my siblings will be there for him."
Harvey lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
Of course he wanted to be apart of his kid's life, of Isaac's life.
When things were hypothetical, he could have his doubts and fears of being a father, but reality was, he had a kid, and he was a father. His morale never budged on that front. He was going to show up.
But he doesn't know what to say. They just sit in more silence. ''I'm just overwhelmed,'' he confesses, and it's not to dodge any responsibility, it's because he can't think straight or formulate coherent sentences.
''I understand,'' Kenza offers in understanding. She picks up her own Pellegrino bottle and hands it over to Harvey who gladly accepts it.
He takes a minute to be proud of Kenza for finally standing up for herself in her conservative family who was a continent and sea apart. He feels proud for a second, but so incredibly hurt over the fact that it had to take a life or death (life and death situation, in this case) situation to push her to it.
Harvey glances at the clock, sees it's nearing midnight. He sees the bag under Kenza's eyes and how often she's stifling yawns while he's glancing over at her.
''Of course I wanna be there for him, I… just. I'm overwhelmed, Kenza. I can't give you any clear answers right now or make coherent sentences, because there's still so much I need to know.''