I don't own these characters.
In this chapter, letters are in italics and it'll be that way for a few chapters.
17: Hate the sin
Shego pulled out a small jewelry box from the hole in the attic that had hidden the journal. She rubbed off some of the dirt and took a look at the box for a moment. It was another beautifully carved wooden chest, she thought, and then she cracked the box open. It was full of junk as far as Shego was concerned. There was an earring, a seashell, and what appeared to be a lock of red human hair that was tied with a ribbon.
She closed the box and placed it on the floor because it did not hold anything she was interested in. Kim pulled out something from the containment space that might prove a bit more useful to the pair, a bundle of envelopes wrapped in a soft emerald green cloth. They were tied together with a black, silk ribbon.
"What's that you got there, Princess?" Shego inquired when she saw what the younger woman fished out.
"Looks like letters," Kim replied. She guessed they were important letters because of the cloth used to wrap them, as if to protect them, and the way that the ribbon was tied. It seemed to be a decoration as well a way to keep all of the letters together.
"Open them," the thief instructed the redhead.
"Is it—?" Kim tried to ask, but Shego interjected.
"The author is dead, Kimmie. I really don't think she'll mind," Shego pointed out because she knew that was what the girl was going to ask. She could not believe Kim was such a goody-goody that she worried about invading dead people's privacy. The people were dead and long gone for crying out loud.
"Right," Kim concurred.
The redhead carefully pulled the ribbon off of the notes because she did not want to chance damaging any of the papers. Shego seemed to be with her on that one because she did not complain about the redhead needing to hurry up. They both even held their breath, scared that somehow breathing too hard might harm the discovery. Once Kim separated the envelopes, she cautiously opened the first one that was in the pack. She cautiously held the letter that was inside of the envelope and they began to read.
-8-8-8-8-
Dearest One,
I know that you have gone and that it was probably for the best that you left, but I still mourn for your presence. I still long for you to be near me, touching me, talking to me, just anything. I thank you for your generosity in separating us while I cry myself to sleep because it is not you lying next to me when I retire to bed. It is like a shot to my soul to realize that you are not with me, though I know it is for the best. So, why do I cry even now as I admit it?
I am the weak one, am I not? You left me this because you knew that I was so weak and that I would need to contact you. I wish that I could pour my soul out to you on this paper, but it is difficult to get paper to hold liquid. I would have tried if I had the time, but I felt the need to get something to you now rather than once I had managed the impossible. I will make the attempt if it would bring you to me. All I need is for you to say the word.
I do not know what to say, except to plead with you to write me, see me, continued to love me. Let me know that this is not in vain and that I shall touch the heavens again. You are my paradise. Will you hear my pleas and my prayers? Will you return to me in some essence?
I ask you these questions because I, of course, want you back to me. Who would want to live without paradise after dwelling there for a time? I now know what Eve must have felt when she was cast out of Eden. I feel as though there is a hole in my entire being without you. I am nothing more than a piece of a person without you…
-*-(1855)-*-
Kimberly stared at the paper that Sheshona had left her almost a month ago. Written on the paper was a place for Kimberly to contact her beloved. It seemed that the raven-haired woman just could not let her dear doctor totally go, even if she had fled from the hospital like a thief from the scene of a crime.
It seemed Sheshona just could not completely run away like she wanted to do. She had to leave a trail of some kind. She had to give Kimberly a chance to catch her if she wanted to. Maybe Sheshona wanted to be caught, maybe she would rather run than chase for once, or maybe she did the right thing by leaving. Kimberly was not sure and neither was Sheshona.
The redhead only knew she could not even go a month without using that contact address. She had tried her best to ignore the one line written sloppy on the page. She wanted to go on with her life, but it was much too hard.
She missed Sheshona, badly, terribly, desperately. It seriously ached being away from the one that she loved. Suddenly, all romance poetry and books she thought were nonsense made total sense. It felt like she was bleeding to death all of the time without Sheshona. She wanted the bleeding to cease and only one person could bandage her wound, so she tired to get back that one person by using the means that her beloved left her. She needed Sheshona.
So, Kimberly sat down at her desk and tried to write Sheshona. It was hard at first because she did not know what to say. She did not know whether to be angry or sorrowful as she wrote considering she felt both of those and more. She even considered sounding thankful because she thought she should be just that. After all, Sheshona gave her a shot at living a normal life again. Had Sheshona stayed, who knew what sort of abnormal sins she could have committed with the other woman. She knew she would come across as wanting as she wrote because she desired her pale lover, longed for her. So, she wrote what she could and sent the letter on its way, silently begging for an answer that did not come.
Sheshona had fled to the place that she told Kimberly to write, so she had received the letter. She smelled it when it arrived and it smelled so much like her beloved physician. She became a little whimsical from the fragrance that filled her nostrils, but she shook that off. She ordered herself not to read it once she realized that she had just scented paper, which she believed to be a weird thing to do.
"I do not care for her," Sheshona stated aloud, as if that made it true.
She told herself to just throw the letter away. Things would be better if she just forgot about Kimberly, she told herself. She would be back in control of herself and her life if she forgot about the doctor, which was why she needed to just throw the letter away. So, she balled the letter up and chucked it into the corner of the attic room that she lounged in.
"I don't care about her," Sheshona said once more for good measure. The words bounced off the lonely walls of the room, echoing back and still remaining untrue.
The letter seemed to beckon to her, even though it merely sat still in the corner. It called to her like a wrinkled siren and it began to bother her. She thought that some company would settle her nervous and cause her to forget about the letter. She sent someone to get an old conquest for her that she knew would not mind entertaining her.
The conquest showed up and she was as Sheshona suspected, very happy to please the pale woman. Still, through out the night, Sheshona continued to glance at the abandoned letter, even at critical moments. Distracted, she failed to peak and her body refused to respond to any attention. After a while, focused on simply pleasing her conquest. She could only resist the piece of paper for the night.
While her companion slept, Sheshona went to the corner and retrieved the letter. She tried her best to smooth it out, but she could not return it to its original state. Something we have in common. She settled for it being crumpled. She moved toward a lantern to read it and her heart swelled at the first line, which called her "dearest one." She was dear to someone who was dear to her. It was a great feeling, but it also agonizing because she could not do as the letter pled. She needed control of her life and she could not have that with Kimberly. So, she did not respond to any letter that came.
-8-8-8-8-
Dearest One,
Why have your forsaken me? I beg at your feet to return to me, yet you turn your back to me. I will grovel for your return to me in some way, shape, or form beyond being a dream. I care so desperately and deeply for you that you cannot imagine. You must not feel the same because if you did, I believe that you would grace me with your presence now, if not sooner and I would swell from my love if that were to happen.
I never thought that these kinds of emotions existed until I met you. Everything is so intense and so strong. It is like a volcanic fire inside of me that was lit by you and you have left it burning out of control, but with nowhere to go. It is like I am locked in a box, being crushed, burned, and suffocated without you.
Do you feel the same? Do you feel close to that? I do not wish it on you. I would love for you to only feel happiness and pleasure. So, if that is what you are feeling in my absence, I suppose it is hypocritical of me to beg that you return to me. And yet, I beg of you to return to me, please.
My heart bleeds continuously without you by my side. I find it hard to focus. My eyes do not want to see anything aside from you. They imagine you sitting on my couch as you used to. They see you in the crowds when I take strolls home. They even put your face in the moon when I stare longingly at the sky, begging for any Divine entity to send you back to me. I am starting to believe that there is no divine being because if there were, you would be returned to me.
Am I acting childish? Do you find this unattractive? Are you laughing at me while reading this? I do doubt it. I know that you are the teasing type, but I do not believe that you would laugh at me or my current desperate agony. I believe that you love me, so is that why you do this? To save me?
I do not want saving, which amazes me. I can see why you resisted my treatment so thoroughly. I know I should thank you for this, but I want you back. I want you to acknowledge me. Write back to me. Just let me know that you still breathe. I suppose I could feel a bit easier if I at least knew that you still graced this planet with your glorious presence…
-*-(Present)-*-
"Hasn't she learned her lesson yet?" Shego groaned as they went through the letters. She wished she could travel back in time and just shake the doctor until she figured out that she had been used. It was starting to hurt her to read the letters.
"She's in love. She wants some attention from the one that she loves," Kim argued. She could understand what the doctor went through, even though she had never been in love. She knew what it was like to want someone to pay attention to her, though.
"She's stupid for loving a woman who obviously got what she wanted and left," the green-skinned thief commented, shaking her head.
"But, she kept the letters," the college student pointed out. To her that was a sign that Shego did not give her ancestor enough credit.
"So?" Shego asked with her eyebrows curled up, showing she did not see what her smaller companion saw.
"Obviously, she didn't just get what she wanted and left. She pined over Doctor Kimberly," the trim hero answered.
"Just because she kept the letters? She was probably just laughing as they came in. Apparently, she didn't answer any of them. I mean, look at the letters and how she's begging for a response," the elder female countered.
Kim looked skeptical. "How long could love letters stay funny?"
"I don't know. Maybe she was demented and thought that they were hilarious all the time." She would not put such a thing past someone in her family. They were all crazy in someway, after all.
"Maybe she did write back, but the letters just weren't coming fast enough for Doctor Kimberly. They did write extremely passionate and overdramatic letters back then," Kim stated.
"Why the hell do you even know that?"
"Excuse me for paying attention in school."
"Look, she didn't write back and it's that simple. Are you really this damn sentimental?" Shego inquired with a look of disbelief on her face.
"Are you really this damn cynical? Why not believe in love?" Kim asked, especially the love of their ancestors, as odd as that might be.
"Because love is a crock, especially if a Go is involved," the emerald-eyed villainess replied. She knew her family and what they were like, even if she had never met the person. Every Go shared one similar characteristic and that was selfishness. There was no room for love if one was selfish.
"Have some faith," the redhead said. "Especially in a woman with your name."
"So, you have faith in Doctor Possible because she had your name, even though she has just screwed up about a hundred different ways?" Shego inquired with a craned eyebrow. If they were basing their faith on just the fact that they shared names with those women, well, she was getting off of that boat.
"I have faith because they're in love. I believe in love."
"Why? Isn't it screwing you over?" Shego pointed out.
"Well, looking for it, yes," Kim admitted. "Nobody ever said looking for love was easy." She could not seem to find love even if she tripped over it, she thought. "But, I like to believe that if I love someone and if that someone claims to love me in return, we'll be together. We'll both work for it. What's wrong with that?" she asked sincerely.
"It's a pipe dream," the moss-hued woman stated.
Shego did not understand how Kim could believe so fervently in love when she obviously could not find it, even though she seemed to have given up on the search slightly with her attitude toward her current boyfriend and how she waited for him to break up with her. The pale woman herself never wasted her time looking for love and she did not think it existed. She had not seen any evidence for true love, romantic true love anyway. She believed there was tolerance. Lovers tolerated each other, not because they were in love, but because they seemed to like each other's company better than most. There was nothing romantic about it, more logical than anything else because sometimes it was better to be with someone than being alone.
"No, it's not and it's not wrong to believe even if it is," Kim argued. She had seen examples of true love, which was why she believed in it and why she believed that she would find it.
"You're such an idealist," Shego said, like it was an insult.
"Well, I'd rather that than this pessimistic view you have of the world. You must not be very happy," Kim commented and that pretty much shut Shego up for a moment. "Sorry about that," Kim apologized because she thought she was out of line.
"Don't be," Shego muttered. "You're right," she admitted with a sigh, her shoulder dropping.
The green-skinned sidekick could not believe she just confessed that, but Kim was right. She was not happy, not like most people were anyway. She was pretty content with her life, but she doubted that she would ever be happy until she finally got to challenge her mother and show that beast woman just how powerful she was. Well, maybe that would be a piece of her happiness, she considered while glancing at Kim.
"Wh-what?" Kim asked in disbelief because Shego agreed with her rather rude comment. She thought she might have heard wrong. Or did I not say what I thought I said?
"I wish I could believe in love like you. I'm sure I would be happier in life," Shego stated with a bit of a shrug. She wanted it to seem like she was not as affected by everything as she was.
"Why don't you believe in love?" Kim asked curiously.
"Because I don't have to and it's foolish to have faith in people. People are idiots," she said.
Kim nodded. She agreed with a bit of that because she had met many idiots in her life. But, she focused more on the middle part than anything else. The fact that she had said that it was foolish to have faith in people. She was rather jaded, which was not a surprise. Shego always came across as such, but not to this extent.
"Did I help add to this view you have in the world? You know, because of the way I acted that night?" the redhead asked shyly. Damn it, I did a lot of damage that night if that's the case. I really royally screwed up.
"I was born cynical, Princess. It's just the way I am," Shego replied in a dismissive tone. She was a pessimist, like Kim was an optimist. That was how things worked.
"You could miss out on a lot," the slender adventure commented.
"I doubt it," Shego replied. Her cynicism did not seem to be doing her any good around the redhead, but she did not see any reason to say that out loud. It would probably just cause Kim to freak out anyway. "I've experienced a lot in life and have a long way to go on more, so I'm not missing out. Now, do you want to keep going through the letters?" she asked.
"Yeah," Kim answered with a grin. She had a good time discovering things about their ancestors and it was obvious, but she had a good time being around Shego. She's pretty good company when she's not committing crimes.
"All right. Let's go downstairs then. No need breathing this musty old air when we could have some fresh air outside."
Kim did not argue. She held onto the cluster of letters and followed Shego out of the attic. The older woman led them outside onto the front porch. They sat down on a swing, which Shego always had a soft spot for from when she was very little. She would never tell anyone, but she liked the swing because her mother used to sit with her and rock her on the swing while reading her stories. Kim tucked her legs underneath her while Shego gently pushed the swing just a little bit. Kim held up the next letter for them both to see.
Shego frowned as they read letter after letter of Doctor Kimberly Possible pouring her heart out to Sheshona, pleading for some acknowledgment, wanting the runaway woman to return to her. How could her ancestor hurt someone who so obviously loved and cherished her? Did she not have some kind of conscience? How could she be so cruel? Was it just that she did not want someone to love her? What a fool.
Shego glanced down at Kim. The pale woman considered she might be a fool right along with her ancestor, but for different reasons. Sheshona had a woman who loved her with all of her heart and soul it seemed, yet she would rather run away from that and toy with the woman's affections from a distance. Shego had gone and learned to tolerate, maybe even appreciate the company of her enemy more than any other being she had ever met. A person she knew would go back to being her enemy once they got through all of the mystery of a hundred and fifty years ago. That was just how Kim was and she knew that. Hell, that was just how she was.
-8-8-8-8-
Dearest One,
I am ill today. My soul and spirit are sick and withering like unwanted and uncared for roses. They know of only one cure and it is not a treatment that I can provide. They weep for the elixir to expel their ailments because they wish not to die. They need not depart and yet, I am most confident that they shall do just that and I will be left a shell.
Death hovers around me now, covering my home in thick, dark clouds that always rain hard, chilling drops, as I always cry. I know you do not hear nor see my tears because of the noise of the storm surrounding me and because I am drenched in my own sorrow. I suppose that I shall die in this downpour.
If today Death paid a visit to my door, I would allow Him entrance. I would entertain Him as a guest, as a friend, in hopes that He would take me in his chariot or upon his horseback, so that He might ease my pain. I have some money to take should he leave me at the River and to Charon (1). I shall give him more coins than any other passenger should he carry me, as long as he takes me from this ache.
I have thought that perhaps if I were to die, then you might come visit my grave rather than abuse me with your absence as you do now. Perhaps if I were to ride with Him or Charon, you would cease your ignorance. But, then I suppose it would be too late.
Would you lament my passing as I lament your absence? Would you then wish that you had been gentler with me? I am dead without you, Dearest One. Do you at least mourn? A lover would do so. Would you bring flowers to this tomb that I have been residing in? I wish that you would, so that I might see your face again, even though it would also pain me since a ghost cannot touch the living.
I truly miss you, my darling, and hope that my words reach your eyes and then your heart, so that you might come to me on the winds tonight – at this very moment. But, I know that you shall continue to stay away. This is your decision and I have already bruised my knees enough with begging like a poor wretch. If you do not respond to this, then I shall finally be dead to you. I have no desire to be a bee to you. This shall be my last plea and if you do not respond, I shall halt all writings. You will always be in my heart, no matter what you decide. You are and always shall be my Dearest One.
-*-(1855)-*-
Doctor Kimberly cried as she penned the letter, believing she would never hear from her beloved again and she would never see her beloved again. She had already written Sheshona so many letters, fifteen to be precise. They had all gone unanswered, so she thought she would give Sheshona one last time to turn her down. It would hurt a great deal, knowing she was unwanted by a woman who promised she loved her. She would go about her life after that, even if it was a lie and getting out of bed seemed to be the greatest chore. She would be faithful to her husband, continue on with her work, which she been trying to bury herself in to forget her agony, and watch her son grow. She might even have another child, if that was what her husband wanted anyway. They would be a family. They would be normal.
She would try her best to forget her sin. She would try her best to forget Sheshona because it seemed that was what her beloved wanted. She would try to convince herself distance was best between them. She would try her best to move on from where she was. She had to go forward.
The letter reached Sheshona and she read it more than a dozen times, crying through most of the readings. She ignored her tears and wondered what she should do with the information. She looked forward to getting letters from Kimberly, her heart jumping with each one, but maybe it was time to do what she was supposed to do. Maybe it would be for the best for her to allow that letter to be the last one and she and the doctor could get on with their lives. They needed to be apart because it gave Sheshona control over her life. She wanted to be free of everything and she could not be that with Kimberly. So, I will let this be the last letter, she promised herself. This would have to be the end of it.
-8-8-8-8-
Next time: Is that really the end of things for Kimberly and Sheshona? And what in the world are Kim and Shego betting over?
1: Charon is the ferryman for the River Styx in Greek Mythology. He took the dead across the river to the gates of Hades. Kimberly mentions money because the ferryman had to be paid or he would not take souls across the River Styx and they would be left to wander.