He came again today. Why does he keep coming? I am nothing to look at and particularly nothing really worthy of love, as my soul cries out in response.
I start to cry, knowing there is a very long and difficult road ahead of me if I am ever to produce an heir to my "cursed" line. Feelings do stir in my heart for Christoph, but I am afraid to act upon these longings. I can tell he is in love with me, but I am unsure of how to reciprocate this love of his…
I sit, here in my study, and let my feelings flow into my music and writing. I may not be in the music room, but it does not matter, this room, too, is soundproofed. I pick up my ancient violin and play a small snatch of the melody, to test it out. I listen closely as my skeletal fingers coax out haunting notes from the well-worn instrument.
There! That part is not quite right. I scratch out the sequence and play around with the notes a bit until I hit the right combination. I play out my frustrations, which stems from deep within my soul, going back to my previous life as the infamous Opera Ghost.
Why must I be put through this? I ask myself. My soul wants to scream out in pain and frustration. Pain that comes from being feared, rejected, mocked, and unrequited love. The frustration comes from being totally innocent to the nuances and game of love. I have never had a boyfriend or a true best friend. The closest I came to a boyfriend was a good friend of mine, who was a boy, when I was around eight or nine years old. He was the same age as me, and we quickly became friends. The boy, called Roland, met me one spring in the garden by the woods when I was about eight years old. I was too young yet, as was he, for love, true, but we were very inexperienced, and I was especially so with normal childhood society and customs.
The first time we met, it was in the rose gardens by the woods. For being a girl, I had a lot of boyish tendencies and toys. For example, at that time, I remember playing in the dirt, thinking I was alone as I usually was. We shared a bag of candies he had brought, and played together many times after that warm spring afternoon.