DISCLAIMER: SKIP BEAT! and its associated characters are the creations of Yoshiki Nakamura. This author claims no ownership of Skip Beat or any of its characters. All other rights reserved.
Author's notes at the end.
The Bone Zone
Kuon Hizuri, formerly known as the actor Ren Tsuruga, was walking towards the Love Me room with his best man and his groomsman to pick up his fiancée and her wedding party for a pre-wedding dinner. They were only six weeks away from the wedding. Just six more weeks. After years of waiting, Kuon was finally going to put a ring on that finger, and nothing would ever part them again. He was crossing off the days on several calendars. It just made him feel better. But it was driving Yashiro and Kijima insane.
"Dude," Kijima said, panting after him. "Slow down! Not everyone has those gigantic legs of yours!"
"I know she has a history of outrunning you, Ren," Yashiro quipped a few steps behind him, "but I don't think you need to walk this fast."
Kuon scoffed at them. He couldn't wait. He loved his work, but he resented every moment spent away from Kyoko.
"And we haven't even talked about your bachelor party!" Kijima exclaimed. "At the very least, let me plan one. I know a few good clubs…there's a nice discreet one over in Kabukicho with really hot girls, Kuon—"
"Absolutely not," Kuon said.
"I mean, I know you're getting married, but there's nothing wrong with looking."
Yashiro elbowed him. "Kijima…"
"What?"
"You have absolutely no sense of self-preservation, do you…"
"What? I thought they were having an American-style wedding! Bachelor parties are a traditional part of American weddings, aren't they? You know, the groom's buddies take him out for drinks and…"
He stopped as Kuon spun around.
"Absolutely not."
Eep, Kijima thought. Kuon's face had darkened and there was a murderous glint in his eye. So this is Cain Heel? No wonder Murasame almost pissed his pants. The man turned around and briskly started walking again.
"Kijima-kun…" Yashiro sighed. "You know he hasn't even so much as looked at any other woman since Kyoko-chan came into the picture, right?"
Kijima just groaned.
"And I don't think he's setting foot inside a club with you again, not without Kyoko in tow. Not after that Kana incident."
"But that was years ago! They weren't even together then!"
"Doesn't matter."
"Ugh. He's too square for his own good."
The men quieted down as they approached the Love Me room. They could hear the girls laughing inside. Although Kyoko, Kanae, and Chiori had graduated from the Love Me section long ago, the little room held a special place in their heart, and they often met there to talk after long days of shooting and running around between appointments.
"What was the place's name again?" they heard Kanae's voice ask.
"The Bone Zone," Chiori responded. "We've got the place reserved for next Saturday."
Outside the door, the mens' eyes met. "Bone Zone?" Kuon mouthed to Yashiro.
Yashiro shrugged. He'd never heard of such an establishment.
"I think you'll love it, Kyoko," Chiori said.
"Definitely. There's so many cute ones there! And they let you play with them and everything."
"It's gotta be a strip club," Kijima whispered.
Kuon had gone red. "Is it true that they lick you?" they heard Kyoko say.
"Oh yes. I kinda like it, even though it's a little gross," Chiori responded. "They're like…kisses. Licks and kisses."
"Eeeewww," Kyoko said. Outside the door, Kuon nodded his head up and down. That was his Kyoko. She'd never, ever, ever let strange men lick her. Oh god, he thought. What are Kanae and Chiori planning?
More laughter in the room. "What, don't you like it when Kuon-kun licks you all over?"
They heard Kyoko sputter. Kuon smiled. He could almost see her blush. "Chiori! That's private!"
Chiori giggled. "Oh so you do like it, huh?"
They heard incoherent muttering from the girl in question.
"Do you think Kuon-kun would let you have one?" Kanae's voice.
Kuon's eyes were as wide as saucers. "Have one what?" he mouthed to Yashiro.
"I don't know what they're talking about," the flustered manager mouthed back.
"Dude, I figured Kyoko would be kinky once you finally got her in bed, but not that kinky!"
"KIJIMA shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Yashiro was glaring at him again but Kuon had gone white.
"Kijima, what do you mean?" Kuon whispered.
"It's obvious, isn't it?" Kijima waggled his eyebrows. "A threesome. With a stripper. With a MALE stripper."
"WHAT?" Kuon and Yashiro exclaimed at the same time.
"Shhhhhhhhh…."
The girls were talking again.
"...of his is certainly big enough," Kanae said.
"What's big enough?" Kuon asked.
Kijima just laughed.
"Your bed, maybe?" Yashiro whispered back. "Unless she's talking about…"
Kuon blushed.
"Still, having three of us there…it could get kinda messy." My god, Kyoko, what are you saying? Kuon thought.
He heard Chiori snort. "I bet."
"But do you want one?"
He heard her hesitate. "I, um. I don't know? I guess we've never discussed it."
Kuon was stunned. Kyoko had never complained about any of that stuff. Before hearing this conversation, he would've sworn she was perfectly satisfied.
"Wait, what time is it?" Kanae asked. "Aren't they on their way by now?"
"Hmm," Kyoko said. "That's unusual. They're actually late."
"It must be Kijima-kun," Chiori said. "Goodness knows Kuon-kun is never late."
"Hey!" Kijima whispered outside.
"Get yourselves together," Kuon whispered to them, "we're going in."
The three men composed themselves. Kuon and Kijima took point; being actors, they figured they could pretend to have just arrived while Yashiro got his face in order.
Kuon knocked.
"Oh! There you are," Kyoko said. Everyone turned their faces away as she bolted towards Kuon and the couple embraced. It was almost a habit now for their friend circle. Two competing heavenly smiles were simply too much. Staring at the two of them too long would certainly lead to blindness, or at least paralysis, followed occasionally with a sense of ennui and regret over not having a soulmate.
The group went out to dinner at a nice French restaurant, where they were able to hide from the press in a private room. Afterwards, Kuon made his way over to Kyoko, assuming that she would spend the evening at his place—or at least utilize his services for a ride home.
But Kanae was in the way. "Nah uh, loverboy," she said, her arms crossed. "You're going to get her alllllllll to yourself soon enough. We're having a girls' night at my place."
"Oh." Kuon was disappointed. Actually…no. He was distraught. He hid it as quickly as he could, because Kyoko was preternaturally good at figuring out his true emotions.
"Aww, Kuon," she said, smiling. Inside, he thanked his lucky stars she hadn't noticed anything more than his disappointment, "I'll see you tomorrow. We're doing lunch, right?"
"Tomorrow, then," he said. "I'll miss you." They kissed goodbye in the parking lot as everyone else rolled their eyes. Kyoko got into the car with Kanae and Chiori.
=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=
"Dude," Kijima said, as soon as the girls pulled away. "DUDE." They were standing by Yashiro's LME car, and Kuon was making sad puppy eyes as Kyoko was driven out of his line of sight.
"What?" Kuon snapped. Then sighed. "Sorry, man. I was just on-edge."
"Of course you are! They're definitely planning something at a strip club."
"But what do I do?"
"Simple," Yashiro said. "You do nothing. Kyoko-chan is an adult woman, and she loves you. You should trust her."
"I do trust her! But…"
"But you don't want some other guy rubbing himself all over her?" Kijima said.
"YES!" Kuon exclaimed. His hands were clenched into fists. His knuckles were turning white.
"Then do something about it, dude!"
"NO! Don't do something about it! For goodness' sake, Kuon, this is Kyoko-chan we're talking about!" Yashiro countered.
"I dunno, though, that Chiori sounds like she'd get Kyoko-chan into some shit," Kijima said.
Kuon and Yashiro looked at him curiously. "What? Chiori sounds fun!" he protested.
Yashiro had a smirk on his face. "I didn't know you were interested in Chiori, Kijima…"
"HA! This isn't about me, man. Kuon, what are you going to do here? You going to let your girl walk into a strip club?"
"Um." Kuon didn't quite know what to do. He knew he had a possessive, jealous streak, but he also knew Kyoko was one of the most loyal, trustworthy girls on the planet. Still, the idea of another man being around her…dancing suggestively around her, teasing her, even looking at her enraged him. That was his place, not some stranger's! And what if she found that guy more attractive than him? He couldn't bear the thought of anyone supplanting him in Kyoko's imagination.
"You gotta do something man." Increasingly, Kijima was looking like the devil on his shoulder.
"No. You're going to trust her. The same way she trusts you," Yashiro said from his other shoulder, halo and wings and everything.
"But it's not like he's even doing anything! He straight up refuses to go into a club without her!"
"He doesn't want to! That doesn't mean Kyoko wouldn't let him!"
Kuon knew that Kyoko probably would let him. She wasn't the kind of girl that loved conditionally, or imposed restrictions on him. But she'd be hurt. She'd think she wasn't enough. And then she'd probably retreat into that space of self-doubt and insecurity she'd had since Sho that he'd worked so hard to help her out of. And it's not like he hadn't seen plenty of other women in his time before. His better angel won out, and he said…
"Yashiro's right," he said. "I trust Kyoko, and Kyoko trusts me. And I don't need to go to a strip club. I've seen plenty of strippers before, I'm not really interested."
"But you're ok with some other guy shaking his junk in her face?"
"I mean, I'm not, really, but—"
"But you're Kuon Hizuri, the hottest actor in Japan. Seriously, you think some stripper is even competition for you?" Yashiro interrupted.
"You know, Yashiro, sometimes I worry about you. Even the most loyal couples like to look at a little strange now and then. Kyoko wouldn't be human if she wasn't even a little curious about some other guy."
"I'm really not interested in any 'strange,' Kijima."
"Yeah, but we've already established that you aren't human. And like you said, you've seen a lot of women, Kuon. But Kyoko-chan probably hasn't ever seen anyone but you. Cuz. You know. You cock-blocked everyone that could've possibly had a chance. For years."
"So you think…that…"
"She'll be looking at other dudes. At least before she marries you. If I were Kanae-chan, I'd be making sure she at least had the chance to check other dudes out."
"And…"
"You need to do something."
"Like?"
"I think you should steal the show."
"Steal the show?"
"This is a bad idea, Kuon, and you know it." Yashiro was growing alarmed.
"Yashiro, shut up." Kijima stuck his tongue out at the manager. No wonder Kuon had always been so conservative and straight-laced. With his natural instincts and a stick-in-the-mud for a manager, Kijima had no doubt that any impulse Kuon had ever had to have fun was squashed before it even saw the light of day. "I think you should surprise her. At the club. Remind her all over again why she's choosing you. Those other guys won't even know what hit them."
"How?"
Kijima smiled a devious smile and began sketching out a plan.
Yashiro just shook his head. He was going to have to clean up after this one, he was sure.
=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=
That Saturday evening, Kanae was watching Kyoko giggle as a number of adorable dogs cavorted around her. "The Bone Zone" had been a great idea. She knew Kyoko wouldn't be interested in the more traditional bachelorette party venues. Bars were out of the question. The girl drank only when she absolutely needed to—for a role, for example, or when politeness dictated that she absolutely have a drink. Plus, she could no longer count on going unrecognized now that the public had gotten used to seeing Kyoko 'as herself' more often. And the idea of going to a strip club was just ridiculous. Kyoko's natural shyness and her fierce sense of loyalty would probably ensure that she'd hide in the bathroom or refuse to enter the establishment if Kanae and Chiori even tried to get her to go to one. The girl was getting married to Kuon Hizuri, of all people. The absolute hottest guy in Japan, possibly in the world. Why would she waste time watching lesser naked men gyrating?
What she did know, though, was that Kyoko was susceptible to cute animals, and The Bone Zone was one of those special places that specialized in cute animals. Dogs, specifically, and ones that were older and abandoned and needed homes. Just the kind of thing that Kyoko would love. So she and Chiori had spoken to the Sanshos, an old couple that ran the shelter with their savings and made an appointment to spend an evening walking and playing with the dogs as a special activity to celebrate Kyoko before she got married.
"Special delivery for the Kyoko Mogami party?" said Sansho-san, wheeling in an absolutely gigantic cake.
Kanae and Chiori looked at each other. "Did you order a giant cake?" Kanae whispered to Chiori.
"No!" she whispered back. "I know how you feel about cakes. And god knows Kyoko and I couldn't possibly eat anything that big!"
Kyoko's eyes were all misty and Kanae could just see little hearts shining in them. She was already grinning because a sweet golden retriever had found his way onto her lap, but the cake had made the loopy smile on her face even worse. "Then who sent it?" she asked.
"Probably Kuon-kun," Chiori said. "You know he's an idiot for her."
"How did he know we were going to be here?"
Chiori snorted. "Probably Yashiro," she whispered. Kyoko was still too busy staring at the cake's fairy-tale decorations to notice the whispering going on behind her.
"That traitor." Kanae sniffed. So that was why he'd offered to play chauffeur for the day. He was supposedly waiting across the street in a cafe, doing work on his laptop.
"Oh! Thank you, Moko! Chiori!" Kyoko's eyes were sparkling. "It's such a beautiful cake!"
"Oh it wasn't us," Kanae said. "You know me better than that. Think of all the calories in just one slice of that cake, and there's enough for a hundred people here."
"Then…who…?" Kyoko asked.
"Who do you think?" Hrmph, Kanae thought. As if it could be anyone else.
"Do you think it could be…"
"Yes. It's that idiot loverboy of yours," Chiori quipped.
=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=
Inside the cake, Kuon was getting nervous. He was having Second Thoughts. Lots of Second Thoughts. He was thinking he should've listened to Yashiro to begin with. What possessed him to let Kijima talk him into this? What kind of idiot was he? Why not hide in a cake? Kijima said. It'll be fun, he said. You'll surprise her, he said. Kuon had agreed. The cake was to be presented on a wheeled cart, with a curtain to conceal his form hiding underneath it. At the right moment, the plan was to burst out of the cake from a concealed opening in the cart.
Well, he was definitely in a cake for sure now. And it was getting hot, and sweaty, and cramped, and this stupid gold lamé speedo was starting to chafe. He wasn't quite sure about that speedo, but Kijima had assured him it was what was commonly worn at these clubs. Personally, Kuon thought it made him look like that guy from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Kijima had also told him that oiling up his muscles would probably look good, so he'd done that too. He was feeling a little bit like a bird about to be roasted in an oven. Didn't one spread oil over birds for roasting? He couldn't remember if his father ever did that, and Kyoko had never actually roasted a chicken in his kitchen.
Stop, he told himself. What are you thinking, Kuon? Roast chicken? Birds? Cakes? Get your game face on, there's a bunch of nearly-naked guys out there trying to get your girl's attention. The week had been torture. He couldn't stand the thought of Kyoko admiring other men. He knew that it was ridiculous to feel like that—he didn't have a monopoly on being attractive, and Kyoko was her own person who could do whatever she damn well pleased. It was his privilege to spend time with her at all. And of course, male strippers and escorts were just people working in their own professions, and just because a dude was dancing suggestively didn't mean anything. He'd even seen amazing pole dancers and admired how much strength they had to pull off those feats. But still...it bothered him. Even if it was some vestige of toxic masculinity, even if it was some Neanderthal impulse, it bothered him. So Kijima had made him watch movies like "The Full Monty" and "Magic Mike" and "Magic Mike XXL," and even though his co-worker had laughed at him so hard he'd cried, Kuon had done his best to bump and grind just like the other actors on screen. He was Kuon Hizuri. He had played everything from soulless monsters to Shakespearean heartthrobs, he could definitely learn how to capitalize on his abs for his future wife. Right? RIGHT? And he was going to do it better than any other random stripper out there. His pride as an actor—and as a man!—depended on it.
He felt the little pushcart that the cake was on stop moving, but something was wrong. He'd expected loud thumping music, perhaps the squeals of a gaggle of excited women as the various acts made their way around the stages and poles. Male strip clubs had those too, right? But there wasn't any music out there. None that he could hear, anyway. Instead he could hear…barks? There was the unmistakable sound of Kyoko's giggle, the one she made when she was really happy, so at least he knew he was in the right place.
Outside he heard Kyoko say "Oh thank you, Moko…!" and he steeled himself to burst out of the cake for the surprise. He was prepared for this.
Ok, Kuon, let's do this. Count of three, he thought, 3…2…
"Gahhh!" he squealed. Something cold had just touched his butt. What is that? He was going to panic. And then…
"Did that cake just squeal?" he heard Chiori's voice asking.
He felt a wet lick on his leg.
"Hrufff huff huffff bark," said the thing that had licked him. "Woof?"
There was a Thing and it was licking his leg. The shock made him jump up faster than he was prepared to. "GAHHHHH!" he screamed.
"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" squealed the girls. The cake had exploded. Where a fairy-tale inspired buttercream expanse had been there was now…a very, very shiny, very-almost-naked Kuon.
He opened his green eyes, unaware that his entire face and his hair was covered in buttercream. He only vaguely registered that he was most definitely not at a club when he found Kyoko's eyes and said, uncertainly, "Uhh…Surprise?"
Kyoko's mouth had dropped wide open. The look she was giving him was full of shock…and…confusion?
"MO!" Uh oh. Kuon gulped. Kanae-san had turned on him, and she was furious. "Hizuri Kuon! What in the hell is the meaning of this?"
"I just…wanted to…"
"What? Wanted to what Hizuri-san?" Chiori yelled. "You wanted to crash her bachelorette party?"
"I um…thought you guys were going to a strip club! I didn't…I didn't want other guys…"
"You didn't want other guys to what?"
"So you thought you'd be a stripper busting out of a cake?" Two voices yelled out together.
He was going to appeal to Kyoko, but when he met her eyes, he was tongue-tied at the disappointment in them. "You didn't trust me enough to know that I'd never spend time before our wedding with other guys, Kuon?" she said.
"NO…!" But Kyoko had silently gotten up and walked away.
The squealing had raised the hackles of their four-legged companions. Pochi-kun, Maru-chan, Akita, Momo, Adzuki, Tadeo, even tiny, toothless and bald Oscar the Pomeranian—all the dogs in the shelter had gotten rather fond of Kyoko and her friends. And when they saw them squeal, well. Of course it was only natural that they would protect their friends.
"Uhhh…." Kuon looked at the pack of dogs that were starting to growl and move towards him like a hungry pack of wolves. It was somewhat…intimidating…even if most of them had greying muzzles and some had three legs instead of four.
It didn't help that he smelled like food, either.
And it was also slightly terrifying that he was trapped in the remainder of the cake that he hadn't managed to ruin.
"GAHHHHH!" he said, as Oscar bit him. It was not terribly painful, as Oscar weighed about three pounds and no longer had teeth, but it wasn't pleasant, either. Kuon fell over onto the floor.
Tadeo, the Spaniel Kyoko had been petting, leapt on him and began licking bits of cake and icing off of him.
It was then that the other dogs decided that he was more a treat than a threat and began licking him aggressively.
A few decided they wanted to hump him.
One or two decided they wanted to assert their dominance and peed on him.
Kanae and Chiori were doubled over laughing.
"Serves you freaking right, Hizuri Kuon," Kanae said, looming over him as he fended off licks on the floor.
Kuon sighed and gave up, only to see a sad-eyed golden retriever looking at him with reproach over to the side. "Yeah, I'm sorry buddy," he told the dog. "This was a bad idea."
"Hrrufff hrumm whuff," said the dog.
"Yeah, I hear you…" he looked over at the dog's name tag. "Mochi-kun." He gave a desultory pet to the dog's outstretched head and recognized him as the dog that had found him underneath the cake and licked his leg earlier. "Yeah, this was a terrible idea. We all thought they were going to a strip club…I should've listened to Yashiro."
"Hrrrruuff," said Mochi.
"I hope Kyoko-chan can forgive me."
"Bark!" said Mochi.
"You think she'll forgive me, right?"
Mochi just whimpered.
"You don't think she'll forgive me!?" Kuon didn't know why, but this dog was giving him serious anxiety.
"Hruff, bark," said Mochi, and sidled out of the room.
Kuon whimpered himself, and then squealed—again—as Kanae trained a hose spraying ice-cold water on him. They were at a shelter, after all, and the room had concrete floors and a drain for easy grooming.
"Well, we can't leave you all covered in cake bits, now can we, Kuon-kun? Or should we call you stripper-san?" she asked acidly.
So this is what it's like to have actual cold water poured over you, he thought. When she was done, Kanae and Chiori were still laughing and nearly crying over the sight of him drenched like a dog caught in the rain.
When he opened his eyes again, though, he saw Mochi herding Kyoko into the room. Her mouth was still in a thin line, but softened when she saw him looking drenched and sad on the floor.
He set his own puppy-dog eyes on her. They'd never failed him before, and she relented. "Fine," she said, and offered him a towel. It smelled vaguely of dog, but he figured they were in a dog shelter, so everything was going to smell of dog. "What in the heck, Kuon?"
Kanae and Chiori looked at each other and discreetly left the room.
"So…Kijima thought you guys were going to a strip club…and I…I got worried that…"
"You were worried? You?" she asked. "Why would you be worried?"
"I mean, he had a point. I know that you've never really had the chance to play the field…and…I was thinking that if you were going to look at other dudes that were mostly naked, then I wanted you to look at me, too."
"I would never, Kuon."
"Me neither. Women, that is."
"Really?"
"Really."
Kyoko sat down on the floor next to him, and he protested because her jeans were certain to get wet, too. But she just clambered over his prone form and gave him a kiss.
"I'm sorry," he said, when their lips parted.
"I forgive you," she said.
"So umm...you don't want a threesome, right?"
"What's a threesome?" He was going to grab her and kiss her again. She was too adorable.
"Ummm...well, we uh...kinda overheard you guys saying something about something you hadn't discussed with me yet?"
"Oh! Well...we knew we were going to a dog shelter...but we didn't know if you'd ever want a dog."
Just then, they heard a tiny whimper behind them.
"Can we take him home?" Kyoko asked.
"Of course," he said.
Moments later, they were rejoined by Kanae and Chiori, along with a sheepish-looking Yashiro who had been summoned via Angry Text. He was holding out a change of clothes for Kuon, who took them gratefully.
"I told you so," Yashiro said, grinning.
"Yeah."
"You should have tried harder, Yashiro-kun," Kanae said.
"It's ok," Kyoko interjected. "I forgave him."
There was a collective groan as the couple smiled at each other.
Mochi-kun served as an admirable ring bearer at their wedding a few weeks later.
Thanks for reading!
Umm. So I guess this is what happens when you leave a few fic writers unattended and on their own. I hope you enjoyed it?
And also: I'm dedicating this to my sister's Pomeranian, Oscar, who passed away a little over a year ago. He was 16 and still feisty to the very end, even though he no longer had his powerful poof of hair and had lost all his teeth.