Daddy's girl
Chapter Seven
"He's getting worse, isn't he?"
Jack hesitated for a moment, before nodding. "Yes," he said. "Sorry".
I closed my eyes. I couldn't take his pity right now. "How long?" I asked. I had to know, I couldn't just sit wondering. Jack shrugged.
"If he doesn't get any better…a few days? A week, maybe? Jenny, I-"
I don't wait to let him finish, I leave instead. Actually I run as fast as I can through the TARDIS, I don't care where I'm going, just as long as it's as far away from that room as possible. As far away from him. Eventually I stop, gasping for breath, and I notice I right outside his bedroom. I stare at it, thinking. Who would to know? It's probably not going to get me anyway answers, but…
I push the door open gently. Where to start? There's not really many places for him to hide things, just a bed and a wardrobe-and don't ask me why he's got one of those because he hasn't got any other suits, just the clothes in the big wardrobe down the stairs. It's more for keeping things in.
I'm not sure why I think there'll be anything in there that'll tell me what he meant. Later Jackie puts it down to "Woman's Instinct" whatever that means. Me? I say I'm just a nosy bugger. Whatever, I search the whole cupboard; find a few things of interest, but nothing with the answers I need. I look under the bed. Ditto.
And then I notice something I hadn't seen before. It's half-hidden under the wardrobe, a small metal square in the floor. I push the cupboard, which is very heavy, by the way, over to the side and bend down for a closer look. Carefully, I slide my fingers under the edges and lift.
Inside is a cardboard box. Even if this doesn't tell me what I want to know, it's sure to tell me something. I lift it out and open it.
It's full of papers.
A closer inspection tells me they are, in fact, letters. I pick up the top one and start to read, it's ripped so I can't see the very top.
…I don't believe in ghosts and have to wonder why I'm even bothering to write this. I'm hoping that maybe I'm wrong, but that doesn't happen very often. No matter, maybe I am. Or maybe I'm just being stupid. Either way I find I have neither the time nor the inclination to care.
Our daughter is now six months old and beautiful. But I can barely hold her. In my arms I feel she might drop. I let her down, badly. I let you down. The fact is, daddy is supposed to be perfect. Daddy is supposed to protect and love and all that. I nearly wiped out her existence. I was hurting, badly and I was blind. Those aren't excuses. I hurt her and it's in my nightmares she knows. Sometimes in the looks she gives me I think she does. She's a smart kid, I can tell that even now. Well, she is related to her mother.
I think about you a lot, and miss you every second of my existence. I love you. And I'm sorry. If I am wrong, I hope you know that. If I'm not? I hope you did.
I shivered. What was this? Again, he said he'd let me down, but not mentioned what he'd done properly, "Wiped me out of existence"? What did he mean by that, exactly? I picked up another one, this too, was ripped.
…Jack said he wasn't too interested, and he was right. Mickey basically ignored everything she said, assuming that he was smarter than her. Well, you can guess how that went down. Let's just say that, using the sonic screwdriver, she convinced him never to assume his intelligence again.
She's more and more like her mother everyday, at nine years old and I love her as much as I ever did. I still miss you, but I'm glad of what I have.
Of course, she still doesn't know what I did, and I hope she never will. But I don't even know if not telling her is the right thing to do. What would you do, Rose? I don't know, you were always better at this sort of stuff. I haven't ever told Jack, either, in case you're wondering. Or Saffron. The only person other than me who knows is Jackie and I think it may stay that way.
You're still in my dreams.
Again I shivered and put the letters back in the box. I didn't want to read any more, I was starting to think.
All an Accident
I never meant to fall in love. Not at fourteen, that was the sort of thing adults did. Jenny had never been anything other than my Godfather's daughter. And then one day, she'd suddenly…I dunno. They'd been visiting, I'd been doing a bit of studying and I'd looked at her, for the first time as she'd stood in the doorway, her long brown hair tied back and it just sort of…happened. She wasn't the twelve year old who I'd teased and wrestled with at my parents wedding anymore. I was suddenly, accidentally and completely in love with Jennifer Tyler.
I was a bit of a prick about it, of course.
I've never told her, mostly out of fear and cowardice. I never was ready to accept rejection, which is what makes getting into University so hard, but I still think about her all the time.
When her dad left her here at first, I was almost glad, and then hated myself for being so selfish. When he didn't show up for weeks and weeks I worried for her. And now, he might die and I'm downright scared. I wish I could keep her safe from things. I know how patronising that sounds. I don't want her to get hurt. Sometimes I wish I could just hold her and make it all alright.
But I can't. Because life doesn't work in that way, and it's never so easy. Dad shouts for me and I go running expecting the worst and the worst is what I get. He tells me what happened and asks me to go find her. I run through the TARDIS looking for her and shouting, until I finally find her in his bedroom, sitting on the floor with some papers in her hand. And a cardboard box.
"Jenny?" I ask, relieved that she doesn't appear physically hurt. She suddenly shoves the papers back in the box and the box in a panel on the floor which she then closes before turning to me.
"I need to go," she says, walking out past me.
"Go? Go where?" I call after her.
"Jackie's!" she replies. "I need to get some answers-the TARDIS is mostly healed up now, it's just material damage!"
I blink. Jackie's? Why does she need to go there? I follow.
"I don't understand! What do you mean, Jackie's? Jenny, please, tell me!"
She turns, a hard, determined look I know from experience spread across her face. "I'm sorry Mickey, I really can't explain just now. Please, just tell Jack to leave the TARDIS and then do so yourself. I'll be back soon, I promise, but now I need to go set the co-ordinates so could you please hurry as I need to do this alone. Please?"
I nod and she smiles gratefully. "Thank you," she says, and hugs me. I hold my breath. And then she turns away and leaves me to my own thoughts.