Wow it has been a long time since I updated this. Sorry in advance, but this isn't as funny as the other chapters (until the very end at least) but is longer than the rest. It's mostly just a filler chapter, but whatever. I thought it was a funny idea at the time…
Plus I wanted to commemorate my second ever fan art of Bakura, which I finished last night! Cough-cough…anyways, I will let you read now.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yugioh or the Yugioh Characters!
Random Randomness
Chapter 5: Yamis Gone Postal
It was a random day, of a random week, in a random house in Domino that Marik and Bakura sat down to plot. Bakura currently had their list of things to do. He read it aloud since Marik could only read on a third-grade level.
"Okay…we've already put a squirrel in the microwave…" He crossed it off of his list. "Break all the windows on a random house…" Bakura crossed it off. "Steal from 44 expensive stores…" Crossed it off. "Molest the mail man…we can do that later today." He stated boredly. "…Torture a group of random people mentioned by Yugi…" Bakura blinked, "How did this get on the list?" He asked in surprise.
Marik shrugged. "Marik don't know." He stated, "Maybe you put it on there after the drinking party two nights ago. You were pretty smashed…" The Egyptian yami suggested.
Bakura growled. "Hey! Oh whatever, it's already on the list so we might as well do it." He replied with a smirk.
Marik nodded. "Yes! But who to torture?" He pondered.
Five minutes later, they were still plotting to no avail. Bakura suddenly looked up. "Hey, how about those biker freaks the Pharaoh's brat was talking about?" He asked.
Marik shrugged. "Might as well." He said.
The two yamis then cleaned out the house and left the house's owner tied up and unconscious on the floor.
20 minutes later…
The two yamis crept out of the shadows, grinning. They were standing in front of a semi-nice house with three motorcycles in the driveway.
Bakura pulled his black mask down over his face; Marik tried to do the same, but got his on backwards.
Bakura hissed and smacked him on the back of the head.
"Baka! You've got it on backwards!" He said angrily.
Marik pulled it off and examined it. "Oh, you're right!" He said with an insane smile as he put it on the right way.
Bakura shook his head in shame. "Baka." He mumbled.
Silently, the two approached the house. They stopped when they reached the door. Marik glanced over at Bakura. "Now what?" The yami asked.
Bakura scowled. "We tazer 'em, duh! Then we tie them up and drag them away!" The white haired thief whispered fiercely.
Marik blinked. "Oh…Marik gets it now!" He whispered back.
Bakura rolled his eyes as he reached for the doorbell. "Just act natural, okay? Better yet…just shut up and don't say anything." He told Marik, who saluted him.
Ding-dong.
The two yamis heard a bit of arguing before a tall red-head answered the door. He looked at them suspiciously.
"What?" The tall man demanded dryly.
Marik shivered. 'Maybe it's his time of the month.' The psychotic boy thought to himself.
Bakura gave a sickening (and obviously forced) smile to the red head. "Ah, we have been sent to deliver something to a person named Alister…" He stated.
The red-head narrowed his grey eyes at them. "That would be me." He said cautiously.
An evil smile spread across Bakura's face. "Great…Now Marik!" He shouted.
The two psychotic teens jumped the red head and took him out with their tazer-guns.
Bakura cackled evilly to himself. "Geeze, that was almost too easy!" He stated.
Marik had already pulled out the rope and began to tie Alister up. "What should Marik do with him?" The yami asked.
Bakura sighed. "Just set him somewhere for now. We're gonna have to steal a car or something to get them out of here, though…" He said thoughtfully.
Hearing the racket, a puffy-haired brunet walked into the living room and gasped when he saw Alister unconscious. He looked around in panic.
"RAPHAEL! SOMEONE IS…" His yell was cut off by Marik whacking him over the head with the Millennium Rod. The brunet slumped to the ground.
The Egyptian blinked. "Hey…why didn't we just use this in the first place?" He asked the other yami.
Bakura shrugged. "I forgot you had the thing." He replied sheepishly.
A tall muscled Blond entered the room. "Hey! What's going on in here?" He demanded. Marik raised the Millennium Rod and used it to restrict his movement.
"That was easy." He commented. The brunet at his feet stirred.
Bakura growled. "You didn't hit him hard enough!" He told Marik. The white haired yami pulled out his Millennium Ring and forced the semi-conscious boy into submission.
Bakura sighed and sat down on the floor to ponder their next move.
"Okay, we have them, now what should we do with them?" Bakura asked Marik, who shrugged in return.
"We could feed their souls to the shadows." Marik suggested.
Bakura shook his head. "Nah even that is beginning to bore me." He stated. Marik pouted.
"How about forcing them to rob department stores for us?" He suggested hopefully.
Bakura thought about it for a minute. "No, we need to do that with someone famous…someone like Pegasus." Bakura blinked. "Hm, I like that!" He scribbled make Pegasus rob Kohl's on the bottom of his list.
"Now about them…we need a getaway vehicle." Bakura stated.
Marik glanced out the door in time to see the mail truck round the corner. "Hey, the mail man doesn't deliver mail on our streets anymore…but we can jump him from other people's houses." The he told the other yami.
Bakura's face melted into an evil smirk. "Marik, I think that is the best idea you have had all day!"
Marik blinked. "Huh? Molesting the mail man was already on our list." He corrected.
Bakura scowled. "No you idiot, the mail truck! We can use it as a getaway vehicle." He whispered dangerously.
5 minutes later…
Bakura brushed the dust of his new uniform. He chuckled. "I think it suits me." He said twirling in front of the other yami. Marik nodded.
The Egyptian was also in uniform, although his had numerous stains…
"Now what?" Marik asked.
Bakura blinked. "What do you mean?"
Marik sighed. "How do we get them," He motioned to the heap of limp bodies on the doorstep of the previously visited house, "into here?" He said while pointing at the truck.
Bakura rubbed his chin in thought.
- Time Break -
Bakura cackled. "It's a good thing you still have the Rod, otherwise I doubt we could have gotten them all into the truck!"
Marik smirked. "It's a simple strategy, forcing the strongest of the prisoners to drag the others." The two yamis shared a psychotic laugh at that.
Raphael, who had regained consciousness (although his movements were still restricted by the Rod), sighed. "So, who are you and what are you planning to do with us anyways?" The blond man asked.
Marik turned to his fellow yami. "Yeah…what are we going to do with them?"
Bakura shrugged. "This kidnapping thing is boring, let's just drop them off somewhere." The white haired boy suggested.
Marik whispered something in his ear. Bakura's eyes brightened. "Hm, I like that!"
- Time Break -
Bakura smoothed his uniform and rang the doorbell.
Raphael rolled his eyes. "So this is your genius plan?" He asked sarcastically.
Marik poked him with the Millennium Rod. He growled. "Just shut up and do as we say!"
The three men's attention was pulled back to the door as it was pushed open, causing the small bell at the top to ring.
The small boy sighed. "Bakura, Marik? The door isn't locked you know." He said softly, not wanting to offend his not-so-sane friends.
Bakura shook his head. "We can't come in; we are on the job right now." He stated proudly.
Yugi blinked. "…okay, if you say so. What are you guys doing?" He asked.
Marik smiled. "We're mail men! And we have a delivery for Mr. Yugi Mutou." He replied.
Bakura handed Yugi a clipboard. "Sign here." He requested.
Yugi sighed and took the pen and paper. He quickly scribbled down his name and handed it back.
Bakura smiled as Marik pushed Raphael up to the door. "Have fun." He commented
Marik glanced down at his imaginary watch. "Well look at the time! We must go make our other deliveries now." He said as they excused themselves.
The yamis jumped into the mail truck, slammed the one door and sped away at over 20 miles an hour. Yugi and Raphael sweat dropped.
Yugi smiled up at Raphael. "Would you like some tea while you are here?" He asked sweetly.
Raphael sighed. "Might as well…I hope the others can handle themselves."
- Time Break -
Alister snorted. "You guys are pretty stupid, you know that right?"
Marik nodded. "I have been told so before…"
Bakura rolled his eyes. "Trust me, this will work."
Alister sighed. "There is no way you can get past all the guards, especially dragging me along with you. This is Seto Kaiba we are talking about." The redhead replied.
The two yamis cackled. "Now?" Marik asked his partner in crime.
Bakura nodded. "Are you sure you can control all of them at once?" He asked.
"It may be a little difficult, but not impossible." Marik raised his Millennium Rod and rendered all the men motionless. He forced one guard to disengage the security system.
Bakura pushed the gate open with one hand and strode in, Marik and Alister (who was being forced) followed. The white haired thief re-booted the security system and led the way to the Kaiba Mansion.
Marik knocked briskly on the door, which was promptly answered by a frightened maid. "Nighty-night." Marik said gleefully as her mind was pulled under his control.
The three entered the manor and made their way up the stairs. Two staircases and four hallways later, they stopped at a fancy door.
"Well here we are, Seto Kaiba's study." Bakura informed their hostage (in a tour guide-like fashion).
Alister blinked. "How the heck do you freaks know your way around the place?" He asked, half in disbelief, half in awe.
Marik waved it off. "Eh, no big deal, we come here all the time!"
Alister gaped, looking convincingly like a fish.
Bakura calmly knocked at the door.
"Enter."
Marik smiled and swung the door open.
Bakura smirked as he walked up to the un-amused brunet CEO's desk. "Yo Ice Princess, I think we have something that belongs to you!" He declared, jerking his thumb in Alister's direction.
Marik pulled a bow off of a package in his mail bag and stuck it on Alister's head. He then pushed the red head forward.
Kaiba narrowed his eyes at the two psychos. "What the hell is this?" He demanded.
"Special delivery!" Marik chimed. "We would have delivered him to the front door, but the guards shot at us last time we came by."
Bakura nodded enthusiastically and thrust the clipboard into the billionaire's hands. "Just sign here."
Kaiba hesitated. His frown twisted into a smirk. "Okay, maybe I will play along." He said, quickly signing the paper and forcing it back into the yami's hands. "Oh, and Marik, I would appreciate it if you leave the staff and guards as you found them." He finished, handing the yamis each $500.
They smiled at each other. "Whoo! This is turning out to be a great day!" Marik said.
"Only one more big delivery to make…see ya around Kaiba!" Bakura said as they rushed out the door.
"Idiots." Kaiba mumbled under his breath.
Once Alister regained control of his body he pulled the silver puffy bow out of his hair. The red-head yawned and sat on the corner of the brunet's desk.
Seto blinked. "You're not even going to attempt to escape?" He asked curiously.
Alister smirked at him. "Nope, why waste the effort?" He asked. "Besides, the day has been boring so far, I might as well bother you."
Seto rolled his eyes. "Whatever, I'm sure you can entertain yourself."
Alister smirked to himself and leaned closer to the brunet. "Or you could entertain me…"
Seto gulped, his face reddening. Blood oozed out of the brunet's nose.
- Time Break -
"Let me go ya freaks!" Valon screamed as Marik and Bakura dragged him up the stairs.
"Shut up!" Marik growled. The other two were semi-cooperative, but this one was WAY too loud!
Bakura groaned. "Why does Wheeler have to live on the top floor? WHY?" He demanded dramatically.
Finally they reached their destination. They dropped Valon with a loud thud, ignoring his screams and curses.
Marik knocked patiently on the door.
The door was quickly unlocked and Serenity poked her head out. She blinked. Her eyes glittered.
"Hi guys!" She exclaimed.
"Special delivery…" Marik said, with considerably less enthusiasm.
She blinked looking down at Valon. "Oh…It's that hot guy from the other day!"
Bakura handed her the clip board. "Just sign here." He told her tiredly.
She eagerly snatched the pen and paper, scribbling her name and gave the clipboard back.
Serenity giggled. "See you guys later!" She grabbed Valon as soon as Marik released his mind control and dragged the brunet into the apartment, slamming and locking the door behind her. "Jooooooeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy! Guess who's here!" They heard her call from the other side of the door.
Bakura smirked. "Now that that is over…we must finish up the job!" He cried dramatically as they ran down the stairs, three at a time, and hopped into the mail truck.
"…for a mail man's job is never done, and he will not be deterred by rain, wind, sleet or snow!" They sang together gaily as they rode off into the sunset.
Meanwhile at the Kame Game Shop…
Raphael laughed. "…Yeah, Alister is like that too." He sipped his tea as he and Yugi watched the daily news.
"…This is Dustina Guitarez with channel 0008 News. Just in, it appears that a local UPS truck has been stolen by two un-known male suspects. It is not clear exactly what the motive is, but further investigating will be done."
Raphael raised an eyebrow. "Do they always do stuff like this?" He asked.
Yugi nodded. "Yeah…"
"…Oh my, and in other news, there has been a case of arson in the Domino suburbs! This middle class house was set aflame only hours ago! The house's owner managed to blow up the stove and toaster within only minutes of each other…the man has been taken into custody and will be receiving psychological help for his unknown mental disorder…"
The camera cut to Darts, who was chewing at his restraints.
"I object! The creatures attacked ME first! I only retaliated in self defense…how was I supposed to know that they would spontaneously combust when provoked? I say, let me go you hooligans!" The distraught King of Atlantis cried.
"More information will be reported when it is available; this has been Dustina Guitarez with 0008 News…until next time Domino!"
It took 6.3 seconds for the realization to sink through Raphael's skull.
"DARTZ-SAMA!" His cry was heard all across Domino.
Elsewhere in Domino:
Bakura blinked. "Did you hear something Marik?"
Marik blinked. "No…"
"It sounded like that blond muscle guy…" Bakura insisted.
Marik laughed. "Oh well, today has been great anyways, hasn't it?"
Bakura nodded and tossed the last package into a Church's outside donation box.
Marik blinked. "What was that?" He asked.
Bakura smiled. "Educational videos. I think they will really appreciate that. Helping educate people gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling." He said with a strangely sweet look on his face.
Marik sighed. "Hate to say it Bakura, but you are going soft…"
Bakura smirked. "No, not really…" He said with an evil cackle.
Back at the church, a nun pulled out the small package. She glanced at the picture on the front and promptly fainted.
108 Sexual Positions for Beginners was written across the top.
Bakura smiled. "…besides, there is more that one kind of 'educational video'."
The two yamis laughed evilly as they rode away.
JouVal-Yaoi-Fanatik: That was long for a random filler chapter; it takes up 9 pages of Microsoft Word on my computer!
Please review!
P.S. I will try to make the next chapter better!