The Slide into Hell

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: See chapter 1

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"There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance." Gilbert Parker

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"Daddy?" Dean began as he stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. The Winchesters had been home for three days and John had barely said a word to him. He couldn't help but notice the extra attention his father was paying to Sam and though Dean tried not to let it bother him, it did. He couldn't think of anything he'd done wrong and he didn't think any of his teachers had called John.

John looked up from the book he was reading; it was something Jim had given him before they left the pastor's home. "It's late. What are you doing up?"

Dean shuffled his feet, uncertainly.

"Come over here." John said, holding out his hand.

The young boy hesitated a moment before moving toward his father. He settled on the couch next to him.

"What's wrong?" John asked gently. He knew he'd been ignoring Dean for the last few days, and though Dean was too young to understand, it was out of guilt. Against Jim's protests, John made his decision and was trying to come to terms with it before involving Dean.

"Did I do something wrong?"

John looked down at his son; Dean's wide hazel eyes seeming to bore a hole into his soul. He put his arm around Dean and pulled him close.

"No, Dean, you haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry for the last couple of days, but I've had a lot on my mind."

"Is something wrong with Sammy?"

"Why would you ask that?"

"You watch him all the time. Is he sick or something?"

Sam was extremely perceptive for a four year old and that sometimes made John forget just how perceptive his older son was as well. John squeezed his shoulders.

"Sammy isn't sick." John hesitated. "Dean, do you remember before Sammy was born? Remember how you would say you wanted to be the best big brother ever?"

Dean nodded, his eyes still wide.

"You've been a very good big brother and I'm proud of you." John felt his son relax next to him. "You do a really good job of helping me take care of Sammy, but I'm going to need more help from you. Do you think you can handle it?"

"Are you going away?"

John didn't look at him. "I'll be going after more bad guys, but not right now. I have a lot of things to do, though, to get ready for it. Sammy is still so little and he's going to need someone to help him."

"I can help Sammy, Daddy."

"I know you can." John rested his cheek on the top of Dean's head. "And I want you to start learning how to help me with the bad guys. I'm going to teach you how to defend yourself and how to use the weapons – and I'm going to teach you all about the bad guys. When Sammy gets older, we'll both teach him these things together."

Dean said nothing.

"Do you remember what you saw when your mom died?" John asked quietly after a few minutes, holding Dean close. "The fire?"

"Fire." the little boy whispered. "I heard you yelling and I came out of my room. Sammy's nursery was on fire."

"Dean," John moved so that they were looking eye to eye. "I don't want you to be scared, but if you're going to help, you're going to have to know what really happened to your mom."

In only a few words, John relayed the story of how what he now knew was a demon came into their home and killed Mary. It took hardly any time at all to steal the little boy's innocence and catapult him into the darkness where John had been living since he saw his wife pinned to the ceiling and bursting into flames. From that moment on, Dean was not only his confidant, but a fellow soldier in the war John had chosen to fight. No longer a carefree little boy, that night was the last time he sat next to John in a loving embrace and it was the last time he called John "Daddy".

He didn't tell Dean about the lights that radiated around Sam. He didn't tell him about the abilities Sam would likely develop. Those things he kept to himself. Dean and John protected Sam, kept him as much away from the darkness as they could until he was old enough to begin to understand. He would be trained beside Dean, but kept away from the battles to keep him safe for as long as possible.

Although it broke his heart to do it, John backed away from his younger son. He thought this was the best way to strengthen the more important relationship between Sam and his older brother. He watched it grow, as he'd wanted it to do, and he was proud of how Dean handled the responsibility.

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Three years since John sat on Jim's porch, staring at the trees at the back of his lot. Three years since he drafted Dean into his personal army; three years that he'd been working with Daniel Elkins. Daniel was an expert hunter and helped John hone the skills he already had while training him in new disciplines. He learned about more creatures that he already had knowledge of, learning how to hunt and kill each one. Daniel was an excellent teacher, but the men butted heads often. John was impatient to learn about the demon that killed his wife and Daniel was adamant that John learn things in a certain order; that he built upon his knowledge systematically.

Daniel didn't approve of John involving his sons in the quest. That was something they fought about often, usually with one of them taking a swing at the other. Daniel had yet to meet the boys because John left them with Jim when they were working together, but that didn't stop Daniel from voicing his opinions often.

Jim was a constant comfort to the hunter. While he didn't agree with all of John's choices about his sons, he didn't want to cut the Winchesters from his life. Doing that would keep him away from the boys when they needed any type of normal influence they could get. Still enough of a father to keep Dean away from things he wasn't ready for, John left him and Sam at his place for long periods when he went out of town on big hunts. But every time he came back, John was darker and stricter with the boys. It scared Jim to watch sometimes, but once in a while he caught sight of John in an unguarded moment interacting with his children like a loving parent and his faith in the man would be renewed.

As the years went by, and John got more desperate to find his wife's killer, Jim saw less of the Winchesters. John spent more time working on his own, or with his sons, and the boys never met most of the people that had been closest to their father. They didn't know the inner workings of the hunters' loose organization because John kept them away from it. In part, he did it to protect Sam. Despite dragging him from hunt to hunt, and knowing it was only a matter of time before his abilities started to develop, John wanted to keep Sam safe. He didn't trust some of the hunters; he knew that there were those who would want to exploit Sam's abilities for their own gain. He had to keep Sam away from that.

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John watched as the sun set behind the trees at the edge of Jim's property. The hunter in him was so proud of Dean and how far he'd come in so short a time. At sixteen, Dean just had his first kill and the father in him was devastated that this is what life had in store for his son. He was afraid that this same thing, and worse, awaited Sam. John leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and rubbed his eyes. So many times he would come to Jim's after a hunt and so many times Dean would throw open the door and greet him on the porch. His wide, innocent eyes, searching his father's for some truth that John didn't know. Dean still looked at him that way sometimes, but gone was the innocence and now John knew too many things.

With every year that came, John swore this would be the year he found the demon. This would be the year he would find out how to kill it. But years passed and that didn't happen. Dean became more obedient; he embraced the hunter's life and excelled in his training. Sam got more defiant, though he participated in the training and eventually in the hunts. But John saw the stark difference between the brothers and he had been afraid for years he would lose Sam before they found the demon.

It turned out he was right about that. Sam went behind his back to apply to colleges and managed to get accepted into a prestigious university on a full scholarship. He'd known his boy was smart, but this…They fought, as they did about everything, and John forbade him to go. He even gave him an ultimatum, thinking Sam would back down. Of course he didn't, and now John was afraid that Sam was lost to him forever. Dean was stoic. John knew it had to have broken his heart to watch Sam walk out of their apartment, but he refused to talk about it. That was easier for both of them, he guessed.

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John ran out of the motel room in Jericho, California knowing everything he had to about the demon. Despite all the protection rituals he'd performed to make the room safe, the demon was close to getting him. It knew John discovered its secrets and needed to neutralize him before the hunter ruined all of its plans. He'd grabbed his journal out of habit, but at the last minute left it in the room. He knew Dean would come looking for him and he hoped Sam would be with him. They'd need the journal more than he would right now.

Dean was twenty-six and his entire life had been sacrificed, not only to fight evil – which John still believed to be a noble calling – but to kill the demon. His entire life. He didn't remember what it was like to have a normal family, a normal home. He didn't know how to do anything other than hunt. John often wondered if he'd been fair to his son when he made him a part of the cause, but still believed he'd had no choice. His family was marked; they were targeted. His sons had to know how to protect themselves.

And Sam. He'd been able to live normally for a while, but John always knew the life would come for him with a vengeance. The demon killed Sam's girlfriend, ensuring the youngest Winchester would feel the same need for revenge that John felt. He knew that feeling would make Sam reckless, but he hoped Dean was the same calming influence for Sam that he'd been on John all those years ago.

This would be the year they found and killed the demon because John refused to let his sons suffer any longer.

The End