Transcript of the Dr. Maradim Nadar (a.k.a. Graendal) Psychiatry Session:
Wheel of Time; Season Four
DR. MARADIM: Hello, viewers, and welcome back to the Season Four premiere of The Wheel of Time: Psychiatry in Action Show! Last season, we had the special "Chosen – I mean, Forsaken Issue," where I evaluated the issues of our favorite heroes – that is, villains. This season, all our good characters have been entered in the Box of Time™ and in just a few moments one lucky man or woman will be selected to receive a FREE evaluation of their problems. They also win a chance to get a vacation to the lovely island of Tremalking, along with a chance at one million gold crowns and a jo-car, fresh from the Age of Legends! And now, a message from our sponsor.
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DR. M: Thank you, Great Lord. That was enlightening. Back to our program. Our first contestant is…the Dragon Reborn himself – Rand al'Thor! Give it up for this sheepherder from the Two Rivers! Risen a bit in the world, hasn't he? Welcome to the show, Master Rand.
RAND: Aren't you Graendal? And out to kill me?
DR. M: Some know me by that name, but I'm just an innocent psychiatrist. Now let's talk, Master al'Thor. What are your problems?
RAND: Oh, I don't know, not much…except that I've got a voice in my head, I'm going to die, probably going insane, my army is led by a man who hates me, I have three women to protect and an odd fetish that makes me unable to kill any women, even when Lanfear tries to kill me. Yeah, I'm doing pretty good.
DR. M: Wow, Rand – may I call you Rand? It sounds like you have a lot going on! Now, let's break this down into more manageable pieces. Did you know that voices in one's head is often a sign of schizophrenia?
RAND: Really? Shut up, Lews Therin! I can't even hear myself think! (to Dr. Maradrim) See what I mean? He just won't listen to me!
DR. M: Hmmm… this is most peculiar. I have never faced a case like this! Let's move on. What's this about a fetish that makes you unable to kill women?
RAND: Oh, I don't know. It's just, that whenever I have to kill a woman, I find some way around it. It's probably that damn chivalry thing surfacing Even with Lanfear, my sworn mortal enemy, it's the same way! Wait, why am I telling you this, Graendal? You'll probably use it against me!
DR. M: (coughs) That's Dr. Maradim Nadar, thank you. Anyway, Master al'Thor, can you think of a reason for this problem of yours?
RAND: Oh, I don't know. It's just something about the helplessness and sensitivity of women. It makes me want to protect them. …Even if they're trying to kill me.
AVIENDHA: (growls angrily) …I'll show you helpless sensitivity, Rand bloody al'Thor…
DR. M: …Okay. Thank you, al'Thor. That was very helpful. Have you ever felt that the women in your life have dominated over you, or made you feel…lower than they?
RAND: Um…well, no, not really.
DR. M: Interesting, interesting. I see. Next question. You mentioned something about "your army being led by a man who hates you." What's that all about?
RAND: Well, Demandred – I mean, Taim, whom I must kill… SHUT UP, LEWS THERIN! …sorry. Anyway, he despises me because I am stronger, better, more handsome, and generally cooler than he is. Plus I have three girls, and he has zippo.
TAIM: (chews on the carpet while frothing at the mouth)
RAND: Plus, he's training all these crazy people to kill me. And pretty much, nobody in the Black Tower is loyal to me anymore. Except Logain, sort of. And that kind of sucks.
DR. M: I see. That is a small problem. But what does it have to do with you?
RAND: Well, he's out to kill me, and all of my various wives and lovers.
DR. M: Which number…?
RAND: Three.
DR. M: Did you know that polygamy is a sign of needing to turn to the Dark One – I mean, a sign of need for love and friendship?
AUDIENCE: …
RAND: No, I didn't know that.
DR. M: Well, it's true. Final question, and then you will receive your professional diagnosis! You said in the beginning of our interview that you "are going to die…" Why are you so sure of that?
RAND: Because the Prophecies of the Dragon state it. You want me to recite them for you? I know them in four different languages: Sea Folk, Common, Old Tongue, and German!
DR. M: …German?
RAND: You know, that country next to France? Wait, that's not my memory! Lews Therin, cut that out! (sighs) He can be so annoying sometimes.
DR. M: ….Fascinating. No, thanks, that will be quite all right. Have these Prophecies been proven correct before?
RAND: Well, they predicted me…
DR. M: I see, I see. That is very interesting. And now, after another message from our sponsor, RAND AL'THOR, the Dragon Reborn, will receive his professional "Wheel of Time: Psychiatry in Action" diagnosis, and a chance to win one of our unique prizes! Be back in a moment, folks!
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DR. M: Thank you, Moridin, and welcome back to Wheel of Time: Psychiatry in Action. We're here with Rand al'Thor, who has a chance to win one of our awesome prizes. Again, he could receive a vacation to the island of Tremalking, a jo-car fresh from the Age of Legends, or even one million gold crowns!
RAND: Why would I want to go to Tremalking? Everyone there killed themselves because I melted a giant statue's hand. What weirdoes.
DR. M: (louder) And now, I will announce the results of my talks with Rand al'Thor. I have deduced from his questions that he is a man hovering on the edge of insanity with questionable choices in commanders and a strange fetish that makes him unable to kill women.
RAND: Graendal…
DR. M: (angrily) DOCTOR MARADRIM NADAR! (coughs) Excuse me. Yes?
RAND: …Dr. Maradrim Nadar, that's exactly what I told you at the beginning of this interview. That doesn't seem…right.
DR. M: No? Oh, yes… these do appear to be my previous notes. Here are the correct ones. (clears throat) Rand al'Thor, alias the Dragon Reborn, is a man probably suffering from schizophrenia, who is using everyone around him for his own ends. Rand al'Thor, my advice is to open up to a few trusted friends and advisors? I might suggest myself, Semirhage, and the Great Lord. He's very sensitive, you know.
SHAIDAR HARAN: Aw, shucks, Graendal. I mean, Dr. Maradrim Nadar.
RAND: …Graenda – Dr. Maradrim Nadar, could you suggest some good guys?
DR. M: Well, I don't know about that. Good guys can be awfully wussy, you know.
S.H.: (clears throat)
DR. M: I mean, of course I can. Those three girls over there, Miniature, Avikiller, and Payne –
RAND: Min, Aviendha, and Elayne –
DR. M: (waves hand) Whatever. Anyway, they might be a good resource to help you let go of your troubles. I think that you are holding your emotions in too much, and maybe this "Lews Therin" is simply your way of releasing those emotions.
RAND: …I guess so.
DR. M: Yeah, well, I'm the professional here. And I know so. So there.
RAND/AUDIENCE: …
DR. M: Also, I think that your inability to harm women is simply a reflection of your deep need for more female… "friends." Again, I might suggest myself, Lanfear, and…
RAND: Um…I don't think that that is a good idea.
DR. M: No? Well, I thought it was. Anyway, that's all for this episode, where we treated Rand al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn! Come back next week for our next patient, our very own gambler, Matrim Cauthon!
RAND: Graendal! This is not over! I will kill you! I will kill you all! KILL TAIM! Shut up, Lews Therin! Never over! Never over! (runs offstage snarling)
PADAN FAIN: Hey, he stole my line! (runs off the other side, frothing at the mouth)
DR. M: ….'kay. That's all for this episode of Wheel of Time: Psychiatry in Action! See you next week on channel Shayol Ghul – "the best television under the Dark." This has been Maradim Nadar, your host, who IS NOT GRAENDAL. Goodbye, and go Dark!
GOOD GUYS: What?
DR. M: Nothing. And remember, the Dark One loves you!
BROUGHT TO YOU BY:SHAYOL GHUL: THE TELEVISION OUTSIDE THE PATTERN.
Are you feeling in need of a social revolution? Join the Dark One – fair wages, better pay, and the winning side. The Dark One – because Light just doesn't taste as good.
A/N: "go Dark" credit to ISAM and the hilarious Wheel of Time parody. When I find the link again, I'll give it to you.