A/N: Hi guys. I am so sorry for the delay, but thank you all so much for all the amazing words of encouragement and support that you have all given me. It's what I love about this site, because even though none of us have met, we become like a little family unit, constantly building each other up. Thank you for that.

Here's an extra long chapter for you all.

Enjoy.
. . . . . .

Chapter Four

Gildarts Liquor Store was quiet the next day. Not that that was surprising for a Monday afternoon. Everyone was too busy recovering from their weekend and trying to come to terms with the 'Beer Fear' that I had heard so much about, and those who did stumble in were just looking for a quick fix for their hangovers.

I found myself particularly tired that day, probably because I crept in the house at the back of six that morning. My father had already been up half an hour by the time I got in, and was more than a little confused by my early homecoming – especially since he believed that Cana, Levy and I had had a sleep over the previous night. I feigned a stomach upset had brought me home, kissed his cheek, and rushed up the stairs before I became totally engulfed by my guilt.

White lies were becoming common occurrences these days.

As I had laid in my bed, eyes fixed to my ceiling, I wondered what my mother would be making of me from Heaven. Could she see me? Did she and God stand around a swirling pool of memories and future happenings staring into its depths with disappointment in their hearts?

I prayed that she was too busy enjoying her time with the other angels to be wasting her eternity looking down on me and my sins.

I'd hoped that work would have been a distraction that Monday afternoon, but it wasn't. Sweeping the floors and wiping down any visible surface had been a futile attempt at a moment's silence from my mind, the stores quietness offering nothing but an invitation for the deafening mess in my head to take over. That stupid picture of the river taunting me every time I looked its way. I wanted nothing more than to tear it off its hook and trample the glass frame into sand.

I knew I never would though.

When the buzzer rang out above the door, I sobered, plastering on a cheery grin before turning towards the newest group of dead weights.

"Please don't tell me that's the smile you use to greet people," Cana chuckled, Levy following close behind, her nose buried in a magazine.

Feeling my shoulders sag, I relaxed, the two coming to lean across the newly polished counter. "I have to give the customers what they want."

Heaving herself on top of the counter, Cana laughed. "Lucy, it's a liquor store. People come in here for one thing and one thing only."

If I was honest I didn't really care what any of them came in for.

"Hey, what's with the picture of the river?" I asked, not daring to look at it again. "Seems a bit out of place."

With a shrug and roll of the eyes, Cana opened the jar of beef jerky that sat next to the till, grabbing a handful without shame. "No clue. Dad's always really liked it."

I don't know why I cared so much about the picture and the effect it had on me. But I did. I often wondered if there was a special reason behind its existence. Something more deep and meaningful than a simple 'because he likes it' answer. However, Gildarts' choosing of that specific picture was probably just that.

I sighed.

"Oh my gosh!" Levy gasped, eyes wide with shock as she turned the magazine to us. "Jenny and Hibiki are having a baby!"

I welcomed the change in subject, no matter how irrelevant or unimportant I found the newest celebrity baby scandal to be. Like the good little liar I was becoming, I cooed and awed with interest and delight as Levy read out the article. It's what was expected, after all.

"You know, you can tell if you're pregnant by pissing on dandelion leaves," Cana piped in once the article was finished, her mouth full of jerky. "Fun fact."

Levy laughed, and I joined in. "Dandelion leaves? Really?"

"No offence, Cana," I began as I nudged her down from the counter, "but that sounds a bit farfetched, even for you."

Hands up, she giggled. "I fucking swear! They get red lumpy bits on them if you are. It's probably the only fucking thing I picked up on in bio."

Closing the magazine, Levy leaned on the counter, an arm thrown over her eyes in mock outrage. "Alas! Gone are the days of Clear Blue."

I laughed and for a second the world was at peace.

Gildarts didn't really like it when Cana came around to the store. I think he was worried that she'd get drunk off the fumes, but it made the shift go in a little quicker. The three of us sitting around, talking about nothing and everything, reminded me of how it used to be. Before Mom. Before Natsu. Before secrets and double lives came into play.

I was a stranger to them now, and they didn't even know it.

"Sting Eucliffe asked me out yesterday," I said, quietly. Cana almost choked on her jerky and I could already see Levy planning my wedding. "I-I said no, though."

"What the fuck, Luce!?" Cana yelled. "Sting is super hot, why the hell did you say no?"

I shrugged, murmuring a response. "I don't know. I don't really like him in that way, I guess."

Cana scoffed in disbelief. I knew that she would invite Sting into her bed in a second given half the chance.

"Y'know, come to think of it, I can't really picture the two of you together," Levy said. "You're both too. . . sweet. It would be the most boring relationship in history."

I breathed out a small laugh, that familiar wave of shame hurtling towards me. "Yeah."

The buzzer above the door cried out in that moment, drawing my attention away from my friends. I didn't know whether to smile or cry when Natsu walked in, a dark haired boy and a girl who was practically attached to his hip following closely behind. He looked my way almost instantly, a hidden smirk pulling at the corner of his lips as he disappeared down the aisle. I felt the heat in my cheeks rise, my stomach churning. With nerves or delight, I didn't know.

"Sweet or not, you're nuts for saying no, Luce," Cana said, cutting through my thoughts. "Pump and dump, y'know? You've got to pop it some time."

Anger bubbling up, I snapped around to look at her, but she didn't seem fazed or even aware of my rage. "Who's to say I haven't already, huh?"

They both laughed, and I felt embarrassment sail alongside the shame.

"Luce, I'm fucking kidding," Cana said, wrapping an arm around my neck for a hug. "I know waiting is a big deal for you. I respect that. Always."

My eyes burned, and I wanted to be sick. But I took a deep breath, and I hugged her back.

I was pulled away when Natsu and his friends stumbled back up the aisle, their laughter ringing out through the store. Between them, they were carrying a small fortunes worth in vodka, cider, beer, and bourbon. I guess there was only one goal in mind for tonight.

"Hey, Luce," He said with a smile, the many bottles and boxes being piled onto the counter.

I smiled. "Hey, Natsu." I blushed. "Having a party?"

I didn't want to think of Natsu at a party. Girls dancing around him. Grabbing him. Vying for his attention. Not that that was a certainty to happen. It hadn't the night we met. Still, I knew he hadn't left alone.

"Juvia and Gray are," He answered, pointing to the couple behind him who nodded a greeting. "At Juvia's place."

Juvia was beautiful, and not the common type of beautiful either. She was tall and elegant, her skin flawless and her hair like spun silk. She looked like she had walked straight out of that glossy magazine that had been long forgotten on the counter. The words and pages too flimsy to contain such perfection.

It was then that I realised Natsu could share his bed with anyone, and still, he picked me.

Little broken me.

To think I had been there only hours ago and everyone but us had no idea.

Ringing up their items, I tried to keep my gaze fixed on the cash register, but every time Natsu looked away I couldn't stop myself from stealing a glance of him. I didn't quite know what the feeling in my gut was. I didn't love him. I knew that. But I wasn't indifferent either, and the thought of him talking away to another lonely girl at a party was enough to plague me.

"You've just spent a week of my wages on alcohol," I chuckled, trying to calm the turmoil in my mind.

Smiling, Natsu handed me the cash, our fingers brushing slightly. Looking up at him, I saw that he meant them too.

"Well, why don't you come by tonight?" He suggested, handing a bag to Gray. "The three of you."

Cana and Levy were delighted at the invite, their chatter becoming a distant hum as they got the details from Gray and Juvia.

Natsu just continued to stare down at me with that familiar smirk, our fingers still touching.

Pulling my hand back, I cleared my throat. "I can't." But I wanted to. "I have an extra dance practise every Monday night." If I didn't go I'd overthink everything. "The scouts from Edolas are coming soon." It would hurt.

"Can't you get off one night?" He asked, leaning in a touch. "It wouldn't be the same if I had to stand by that big window in the corner all by myself."

He smiled and I realised the party we met at was at Juvia's. "I guess I could text my dance teacher."

His smile grew. "Great." Grabbing the rest of the bags, he straightened himself. "I'll see you there."

With a subtle wink, he left, Gray and Juvia following closely behind.

As the buzzer screeched in the wake of their departure, Cana and Levy squealed. My heart was thundering, my knees struggling to hold my weight. Twenty questions were coming and I had no clue how to answer them. I didn't even know if I wanted to.

"Well, now I can see why you said no to Sting," Cana chuckled. "That's the guy from the diner, right?"

Levy gasped. "I thought I recognized him!"

"We're just friends." I tried to shrug off, distracting myself by texting Aquarius.

Aquarius

Hey, it's Lucy. I'm really sorry, I won't make tonight.
I think I'm coming down with something.
I'll see you at regular practise.

I stared at the message for what felt like years.

Xx

Send.

It wasn't a total lie. I wanted to throw my guts up.

Smiling, Cana leaned across the counter. "Friends, or friends?" I glared, and she giggled. "Chill! Again, I'm kidding."

I barely registered what she said as my phone started ringing, Aquarius' name flashing on the screen. If I answered she would know that I was bs-ing her, and if I didn't she would think I was being rude and ungrateful. Which is exactly how I was coming across. Still, I bounced the call, and no more than a minute later, my phone was buzzing with a message.

Aquarius

That's fine Lucy.
But even an hour's practise would have been better than nothing.
A x

Another thing I had learned about Aquarius – when it was one kiss, she was pissed.
. . . . . .

When I was a little girl, my mother and I would spend hours in my room playing dress up. She would braid my hair, and let me do her make-up, and Ashley would come in and demand a fashion show. We would stand in front of the mirror, and I would stare up at her in awe. She was so beautiful. Right up to the end. Even when they shaved her head and cut her open. Even when I didn't recognize her – just for that split second – she was still so beautiful.

I didn't know what I saw when I looked in that mirror anymore.

I thought that if I looked in it long enough I'd see the beauty that was once there, but I didn't. I just saw me, and as much as I looked like my mom, the beauty wasn't the same. I was wearing a black dress. Nothing special. It hugged my curves and stopped just above my knee and it made me feel pretty enough to go out in. Pretty was sufficient.

I left my hair down. It was a good curtain.

There was a knock at my door, and without looking away from the mirror, I called for my guest to come in. They did, and the door clicked closed behind them.

"You're looking nice," Mavis said, coming to sit on my bed, a small smile partnered with sad eyes. "A little bit extravagant for dance practise, I must say."

I swallowed, my eyes trained on my reflection. "Yeah," I stuttered. "Aquarius had to cancel. She's not feeling too great."

She didn't say anything. Just blinked with that same ghost of a smile. She knew. Yet she said nothing.

"Maybe you'd fancy a girly night then?" She suggested. "You, me and Ashley on the couch with a good movie?"

I looked down, the guilt clawing at my chest. "I'm meeting Cana and Levy. We're having a sleepover."

"Two nights in a row?" She pushed.

She wanted the truth.

"I guess that's what summer break's for." I tried to chuckle, but it sounded fake and sore.

Standing, Mavis came to my side, looking at me through the mirror. "Is everything ok, Lucy?"

"Of course," I said, looking up. "Why do you ask?"

She looked like she was going to cry, and I hated myself even more for it.

"Grief is a powerful thing," she said. "People teach us how to get things in life, but they never teach us how to lose things. We get through it with the ones we love close by, and we try not to lose ourselves in the process." I could feel my eyes burn. "You're a good girl, Lucy, and you know I'm here when you're ready. When you want to talk to me. I'll be right here."

I did know.

I wanted my mom though.
. . . . . .

The estate building outside of Magnolia was just how I remembered it.

A palace of lights.

Cana had picked me up in the Bug – Levy riding shogun. The two of them had been so excited for the party, and I felt it best to play along. Mavis had stood waving us off, the déjà vu almost too much to handle, but again, like the deceiver I was becoming, I just smiled and waved back. She had been waiting for me to cave. Waiting for me to break and confess to what I had become. But I couldn't do that. Not until I had learned fully myself.

I kept the smile even when we got out the car, Cana and Levy wasting no time in entering the house. If it was possible, it was even busier than last time. The music was twice as loud, the boys were twice as rowdy and if I didn't know any better, there was probably more alcohol soaked into the carpet than into their livers.

But still, I kept smiling.

"Now this is a party!" Cana cried over the music, grabbing my hand and telling me to grab Levy's as we pushed our way through the crowd. "Let's get a drink."

I thought of Gildarts, and what he'd say. "Cana, do you think that's wise?" I asked, stupidly. "Let's just dance for a bit first."

"I'm with Cana on this one, Luce," Levy chimed in with a giggle. "We have the whole night ahead of us."

I broke the chain, the two of them immediately linking back up. "Well, I'm going to go look for Natsu," I shouted. "I'll catch up with you."

"Don't have too much fun," Cana smiled, winking before dragging Levy away.

I was left in the sea of strangers. A perfect place to be if I was being totally honest. Lost and alone in a world of unfamiliarity, where no one knew me and where no one wanted to. It was almost too tempting to stand there – just for a little while – getting lost in the swarm and the music.

Closing my eyes, I pushed my way through the crowd. I breathed – a deep sigh – and for a fraction of a second, a pain that had settled in my chest for so long, lifted. And it was magnificent. I swayed with the music, bumping the bodies around me, flesh on flesh. Sticking. Trampling. Animalistic.

I was in an Eden of chaos.

And I loved it.

I don't know how long I stood there dancing. I don't think I even opened my eyes until I felt him pressed against my back. His fingers digging into my hips, our bodies swaying together to the beat of the music. Without turning, I snaked my arm up around his neck, my fingers gripping onto the hair at the nape of his neck, his lips brushing my neck. He was shirtless. Drunk. Wanting.

I didn't love him.

But I wanted to.

"You need a drink," He whispered in my ear.

It was thundering, and this time I didn't argue. I let him pull away, take my hand, and lead me through the crowd to the kitchen. My moment was gone and the pain came back.

While dancing, I hadn't thought much of Natsu's state of dress. His jeans hung low on his hips, the waistband of his boxers visible to the world. He glistened with sweat and his hair fell into his eyes, and he was utterly perfect. Sticky beer residue and all.

"Natsu?" I shouted, but he didn't hear. "Natsu!?" Turning, he smiled with heavy eyes. "Where's your shirt?"

I could tell he was trying to appear sober. That him being half naked was a normality. "I don't know." He answered, simply. "C'mon."

He pulled me again, and I followed.

The kitchen was a sardine can. Bodies squeezed in left, right and centre. I'd have been lost if Natsu hadn't pulled me closer. And I'm glad he did.

It was a keg stand that had attracted the horde to the kitchen. Most of the men – boys – were in one state of undress or another, the women standing with their tongues hanging out at the sight of them. I was placing my bets on Natsu's missing shirt and beer flavoured skin being a side effect of the drunken show.

"What're you drinking?" He slurred, pushing his way to the island in the middle.

And the truth was, I had no idea. Apart from whatever poison I had finished off the night we first met, the only thing I had tried was a small glass of red wine, and I hardly doubted that was an option.

I decided to play coy instead.

"Surprise me."

He seemed to like that answer, because all he did was smile.

Vodka. Southern Comfort. Triple Sec. . . I lost track of what Natsu was mixing together after that. I think he did too, if I was being totally honest. Pretty soon I had the vilest looking cocktail being handed to me like it was The Holy Grail. But I wouldn't complain. Not this time. I just smiled, stared up at him and drank.

And I drank.

And. I drrannk.

a'Nd I dramnck.

The night played out like a montage. The kitchen. Kissing. The dancing. Kissing. The drinking. Kissing. It was a blur that all merged into one long, messy medley of events that, I'm sure, my father would throttle me for if he knew. But I didn't care. I laughed. I smiled. I didn't think of my mom. I didn't feel consumed with guilt.

I just drank.

We were on the couch when the chaos began to even out. The spiralling events of wickedness quickly coming into line. We were squeezed into the corner, Natsu still shirtless, and a crowd around about us. My legs were thrown over his without care, his fingers dancing drunken circles on my inner thighs. Our lips barely parted. Not even to speak.

"Natsu, there's people." I slurred, not daring to look at the faces staring.

He smirked into my mouth. "So? Do you want to stop?"

He knew I didn't, and he kissed me again.

"But there's people." I didn't know if I was saying to him or trying to reach through to myself.

I heard some shout for us to get a room. Others begging to join.

Natsu pulled back, his fingers stilling on my thighs. "Juvia said I could have the guest bedroom tonight."

His eyes were clouded with lust, his breathing short and sharp. Our lips were swollen, but I could tell that neither of us wanted to stop.

"Ok."

There were cheers as we stood up, Natsu's name being called out by his friends as we left the room and stumbled up the stairs. The journey to the guest bedroom seemed to last a lifetime, one filled with bruised lips and knocking teeth. Strangers passed by and neither of us cared. We were engulfed by each other, our only thoughts of what would come next.

Staggering to a stop, Natsu pulled me to his chest, his back pressed against a door that he less than gracefully tried to open from behind.

In a fit of laughter, we fell through, our attention being forced away by the two brutes bent over the dresser with rolled up twenties to their noses. I tried to hide my shock. Natsu didn't seem to care.

"You two need to leave," He chuckled, waving them out. "And take your shit with you."

They didn't speak. They just snorted their gear, and left.

I had never seen anything like it before.

I didn't want to again.

When they were gone, Natsu locked the door, the thoughts of the two men being forced to the back of my mind when I found myself being pinned against it.

"I want to fuck you so bad," he moaned into my mouth, pulling me forward and leading me hastily to the bed.

There was urgency as he made quick work on his belt, the clinking of the metal digging up foggy flashbacks from the night in his Camaro. I closed my eyes, praying the guilt would stay buried a little longer.

Just a little longer.

I tried to laugh as Natsu threw me down on the bed. I tried to enjoy. He smiled as he pushed his jeans and boxers down, towering over me naked, proud and ready. I had seen him naked more times than I could count over the past five weeks, but for some reason I felt exactly how I did that first night in the front seat of that car.

My head was spinning as he grabbed my ankles. I could barely focus as he spread my legs. My breathing was becoming ragged as his hands skimmed my thighs, and my stomach churned as he threw my dress over my hips.

I needed to stop.

He pulled my panties down.

I was going to vomit.

He could see there was something wrong.

With underwear at my knees and dress bunched around my waist, I sat up, Natsu quickly stepping out of the way as I staggered to my feet. My panties fell to the floor as I lunged towards the en-suite, my dress falling back down over my hips as I skidded to the toilet. With grace and dignity flying out the window, I heaved.

And I choked.

And I cried.

Head in my hands I threw my sins up into the bowl, the cold bathroom tiles against my thighs helping to sober me.

I wanted to die.

Not from embarrassment. Not from shame.

I just wanted to end.

I wanted to cease existence. I wanted God to take me back to the time I was in my mother's tummy. I wanted to stay there. Never to break free.

Never to come out.

Natsu came and rubbed my back. He scooped my hair out my face and whispered for the pain to stop.

I don't know what pain he was talking to.

He helped me up once I had finished, and like a child, he washed my face and held me close.

When he undressed me, the urgency was gone. The heat and passion long forgotten. He just pulled back the covers, turned out the light, and held me close until he fell asleep.

I didn't love him.

But I wanted to.
. . . . . .

Natsu hadn't woken when I got out of bed. He hadn't even moved when I got dressed and crept out the room. At four-thirty, there wasn't many people still up. Many of them had passed out where they stood, and the others were too busy drinking themselves into a slumber to even notice my presence.

Not that my presence was noteworthy to begin with.

I felt frail as I made my way down the stairs, the hallways almost foreign without the music blaring in every corner. It was almost lonely.

But I didn't care.

I wasn't surprised when I saw that Cana was one of the few still awake when I made my way for the front door. She had taken over the keg with the few that still stood. Levy, on the other hand, was sound on the couch by the fire, a big tank of a man covered in piercings acting as her shield.

It was sweet, and I didn't want to taint it with staring too long.

Instead, I slipped out the house unnoticed.

I wasn't drunk, but I wasn't sober either as I walked barefoot around the grounds of the estate. I was lying somewhere between being numb and being in excruciating agony. But it was ok, because it reminded me that my existence hadn't dwindled away to nothing just yet.

There was still time, and I prayed that it would happen.

I thought back to Mavis, and what she had said as I traipsed along the gardens, my eyes scanning the flower beds reverently. We try not to lose ourselves. We try not to lose ourselves. It was like a curse. I couldn't even tell what myself consisted of anymore.

I was a liar and a fake and I had hate for myself buried so deep that an axe to the root wouldn't even cure it.

I stopped.

I shivered.

Natsu didn't hate me.

Natsu barely knew me.

But I was beginning to know him, and as I bent down and grabbed the bunch of dandelion leaves that had taken seed along with the rosebushes, I was scared to find out just how much.
. . . . . .

A/N: That was another super hard chapter to write, guys, but I hope you all enjoyed it. Like I said, this is a semi autobiography. A coming-of-age drama, if you will. A lot of the things you read here are things that I have went through and witnessed within the past year. It's hard and emotional, but it's real. I was condemning myself for so long, but when I gave parts of my life to a character, I realised that the things I was saying to myself were so cruel, and that if it was someone else living these things and struggling, then I would never treat them the way I was treating myself. Sometimes putting yourself first is necessary, and that's what I'm learning.

If any of you have any questions, or even want to chat, then please feel free to message me. I'm always here.

And if you enjoyed the confusion and turmoil that this chapter was, then please feel free to send a little review :o) Thanks xx