The Legend of The Possessed Nun: A Halloween Tale
Our story begins in the room of one Sister Mary Augustine who had fallen sick. Her Doctor, the great Greg House, cured her but when his lackey, Doctor Chase, went to tell her the good news all was not what it seemed.
"So when we remove the cross from inside of you, the sickness should leave and you should be able to go home in a few days."
Chase closed his file and smiled reassuringly.
"My job here is done. Now home for cookies and warm milk before bed. Maybe watch a Christmas special. Or I could just get stone- blind drunk. Both sound good."
"Doctor Chase" said the weak voice from behind him.
He turned around.
"You said you're a man of God, didn't you?" the nun said.
"I used to be" Chase said, annoyance tinting his voice .
Mary Augustine shook her head sagely
"God never leaves us. He's just not clear to those he do not wish to see him."
"Master your fear, or fear will be your master," Chase thought as sagely.
"Did you want something, Sister?"
The nun nodded.
"I want you to cancel the operation!"
Chase looked at his watch then at the clock. Nope, it was right.
"You…can't not want the operation. Not now. You're supposed…it's just not done."
The nun shook her head hard.
"If you do it, you will kill both me and doom others. I will not have that. I want you to let me die of the sickness in my own bed."
Chase blinked dumbstruck.
"Will you just wait here?"
He looked at the bed-ridden nun.
"Just….stay. Okay?" he said as he stood in the doorway before legging it down the hall.
The Foyer
"I'm a doctor. She's used to being alone."
House looked at Wilson with his trusty old Steely Gaze.
Another win! House thought Wilson is as twitchy as Cameron around "Bring Your Spider To Work Day". Now to say something SO sarcastic that he wets himself.
"House! Wilson!"
They turned as Chase hurried into the hall, dodging the heavily coated germ carriers.
He came to a stop and tried to catch his breath.
"She's not going to have the operation" Chase managed to spit out.
Both House and Wilson looked at their watches and then at the clock
"But it's half eleven" Wilson cried, his caterpillar eyebrows trying in vain for the scalp so big was this news.
"We solved the case" mumbled House in annoyance, wondering if this interruption was worthy of a thwaking.
"Am I supposed to say "Merry Christmas" yet?" a plaintive voice echoed from the lift area.
House turned around and made shooing motions.
Cuddy stomped over glaring her best glare.
"I have a booty call at home and a box of festive handcuffs."
"Just wait over there and stop complaining." House barked.
Cuddy let out a small scream of annoyance and stomped back to the foyer grabbing a magazine from an old lady.
"My hospital, my magazines" she snarled at the old dear.
House watched her go before turning back to his posse and lead them towards the room.
"Now we've got to go and beat some sense into that God-fearing cretin of a nun."
A very large woman struggled to her feet at this, dragging a snot-nosed six year old to his feet. The kid complained as his mother dragged him towards the door.
The woman glared at House.
"That's no way to speak in front of my child! You should have some respect for the young! I'm leaving."
Wilson and Chase stopped a few steps behind House as the woman shot holes into his back.
Finally House turned around and looked at the kid who was trying to pull free of his mother's tight grasp.
"Your child's got Kuru" House said simply and continued to limp.
"But I'm here for my medicine! There ain't nothing wrong with Paul!" the woman screeched, not sure whether to hold her son close or go get a shot.
House raised a hand and kept going.
"Trust me, he's got Kuru."
The woman scrabbled for a pen.
"How's that spelt?"
"Kuru. Kuru is spelt Kuru" House yelled as he turned the corner.
"Merry Christmas!"
"Not now, Cuddy" House yelled, full of cheer from a good snarking.
"Damn your beautiful blue eyes!"
Wilson touched the mother's arm.
"I can assure you, Madam, your son does not have Kuru."
"You sure? He sounded so sure of himself! Is it contagious? Do you think I could catch it? Do you think he could have got it from the mongrel of a dog his father lets him have? I said that dog was no good!"
Chase rolled his eyes and kept going as Wilson told the woman to come to the clinic on Thursday and he'd have someone talk to her.
Mary's Room
House paced the room as well as he could. Chase and Wilson just sat back and watched. Eventually House span on his heel.
"You dragged me away from precious sleep time to tell me you don't want to be saved? And you couldn't have said that before I had to go to a convent?"
"I wasn't aware that my cross was causing my illness." Mary said quietly.
House struck the wall with his cane.
"It's a copper IUD in a funny shape. You would have got the bunny rabbit but you didn't feel in a cute sort of mood. Did you really think God would care you have the thing that killed his son stuck up there? Did you?"
"You don't know the whole story" Mary said, tears appearing in her eyes.
"There's a piece of copper stuck inside you! You really thought it was going to make you feel full of beans and babyfree?" Chase barked then looked to House for approval.
He didn't get it and so he sat down quietly.
"I did it to save humanity."
Mary was now crying.
Wilson clutched her hand and squeezed it in a comforting way.
"You're very tired. It's been a hard few days. But if you would just let us operate, you can go home. "
"I can't let that happen!"
"WHY NOT!?" House screamed, his patience gone.
"House" Wilson barked disapprovingly.
"BECAUSE SATAN MADE ME PREGNANT."
There was a long silence.
"You might want to explain that last one" said Chase slowly.
It poured out. When she was on the streets she meet a man in a bar, she had gone to a hotel room. After he had paid her she had visions of a fiery beast tear at her flesh and her belly swelled up with his child. She awoke with scars all over her body.
The next day she got the cross
"And if you remove the cross, you'll unleash a beast that has no mercy. Who will try everything thing possible to ruin you. To harm you." she finished.
Another pause.
Chase spoke up first.
"Will you excuse us for a moment?"
The three doctors walked into the corridor.
"She's clearly mentally unstable." Chase said.
"Agreed," Wilson added. "We're doctors. We don't believe in superstitions and ghosts."
"Apart from aliens" piped in Chase.
"Will you please shut up?" House growled.
"It's not cancer. I can tell you that much" Wilson added. "Cancer doesn't make you think that you're bearing the Devil's spawn."
House tapped his forehead in deep thought.
"We listen to the crazy nun or we make her better. What a conundrum. Oh, I have an idea. I say we do our job!"
"She's not agreeing to it. It's illegal" Wilson threw in.
Cuddy's voice carried down the corridor.
"I heard illegal. I'm not helping you."
House ignored that.
"She's not in a state to make a choice. Put her on the list then ship her back off into the arms of the penguins."
As Chase scurried off, House turned on his heels.
"I have a Christmas to drink away. Come Wilson."
As they passed Cuddy, she got to her feet, hope burning in her eyes.
"Don't care," House called as harshly as he could as he passed. Which is pretty damn hard!
"I'm Jewish," Wilson said looking generally sad.
"LAST TIME I DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU!" Cuddy railed after the escaping doctors.
Six Weeks Later
The woman wandered into the park, rubbing the blood into her stained clothes. As she stumbled across the grass, she talked to herself in two voices. One was sweet and childlike. The other was harsh and taunting.
"Hello, mother. Might I have some more of that wonderful cherry cake. I'll tell you where to stick the cake. Now, now. That's no way to speak in company."
She cackled and spat on the ground.
A businessman approached her, worried.
"Are you alright, Sister? You look-"
The woman swung round and the man screamed.
The nun's mouth was covered in blood and her belly was purple and grotesquely swollen. It was also beating slowly.
The nun appeared to look through the man as she stroked the monstrous bulge.
It was truly the scariest thing he had ever seen.
"I told the Mother Superior my baby needed blood but she said I was wicked and I wasn't to have any. Threated me with prayer and holy water. So I broke the gas stove and burnt the convent to the ground. They made such pathetic noises as they died. And now they feed me and my child. Sweet and so tasty."
She laughed a twisted laugh and spat a wad of blood on the grass.
The man began to back away in fear but the nun lumbered after him, groaning with the effort.
The belly was now straining hard.
"IT IS TIME!" she screamed joyously.
And with that she exploded, spraying gore everywhere.
A dark shadow shot from the explosion and struck the man hard in the chest.
The man fell hard and twitched as the spirit entered his mouth.
He was still for a minute then slowly he got to his feet.
His head was aching and his mouth burnt. Then his humanity flickered and died leaving a beast of pure of hate in its place.
Something flashed through its head. A handsome man with a limp and blue eyes.
"He MuSt DiE! He Is ToO GoOd To LiVe!" the creature moaned
The demon looked down at the remains of the nun.
It leapt upon a leg and feasted.
That done, he turned to the moon and howled "I aM VoLgEr!" before running into the darkness.
The Canteen
"But the evil demon Volger got beaten by the amazing House's book smarts and charm and is now selling his body for change on the drive by. And that's the story of how Volger was spawned and why he hated me so much."
House nodded and looked around the shocked kids faces from his spot on the table.
Annoyance flashed across his face.
"You wanted the scariest story I could think of and that was the only one that came to mind. There's no need to cry. I did what you wanted! Stupid kids."
Limping over to the candy bowl, he began to fill his pockets.
Turning around he beamed at the other doctors who looked at him in wide mouth disbelief.
Cameron was crying.
Which was funny, even if she hadn't been dressed as the Toothfairy.
House had come to the party as Wilson. That said, he had just slipped on his lab coat and stuck a few pens in his pocket.
He nodded at Cuddy and grinned a scary grin.
"One story for the kids and I now have four weeks off clinic duty."
Slipping a lollypop in his mouth, he turned and walked out.
The only sound was the sobbing of small children.
Happier ending
"Who thought it was a good idea for House to tell the kids a Halloween story?" Forman the pirate asked as he beheld the floor full of children either crying or curled into the foetal position
Sexy Nurse Cuddy sighed and turned to Wilson the caveman.
"Keep the kids entertained. I'm going to wake the lawyers up and see if we can get a head start on the press this time."
She could imagine the headlines:
Cripple traumatises children and sensitive doctor with story of cannibalistic nuns.
Frontpage stuff.
As Cuddy reached door she felt a small tug on the hem of her skirt, that, considering how high up it was, was impressive.
She looked down into the cherubic face of a blonde four year old girl.
"Doctor Cuddy?" she said sweetly "What's Kuru?"
Cuddy smiled tightly.
"Go ask Doctor Chase, Samantha. He's the one dressed as a dinosaur"
"IT WAS THE ONLY COSTUME LEFT!" came a voice from a big purple dino suit.
"BARNEY!" cried Samantha, charging across the room.
Wilson saw his chance.
"Hey kids. Why don't you go give the dinosaur a BIIIIG hug?"
The kids swarmed Chase, their mental scars rapidly healing.
Cameron was also squeezing the dinosaur as hard as she could.
"Make the pain stop, Barney. Make it stop" she whimpered.
"I-CAN'T-BREATHE!"
Wilson turned and winked at Cuddy, who sighed and smiled her gratuide.
She didn't know why she was angry this time.
Last year House had brought slides of flesh eating bacteria.
At least it's only once a year she thought, as she went to get some punch.
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