Author's Note: WARNING!!! Violence, rape, and some sickness.

Chapter 5

No More Pain

Shit!! How in the fuck… Then it had dawned on Harry what the answer was. Potions. I must have grabbed this on my way out. Harry's mind was swarmed with over a million different thoughts about the diary and what to do with it and how Draco must feel right now, but only one thought really suck out in his mind; read it.

Harry ran his fingers over the golden lettering and was trying to decide on whether to read it or not. Well I really shouldn't read it. But what he doesn't know can't hurt him and besides maybe I can find out who the real Draco Malfoy is. Plus maybe I can find out how to act around him. It's worth a shot.

Harry threw his shirt off it was making him uncomfortable and then laid down onto his bed. Harry flipped the book over and hesitantly he opened it. He looked down at the fine hand writing and read:

Dec 25, 1991

I don't really understand why I am writing to you, I guess it's because father bought you for me and expects me to use you. I so guess I should start from the beginning and tell you all about me. My name is Draco Malfoy and I am a wizard, a pure blood wizard at that too. Not that it really matters to me, but it does to my mother and father. My father is dark wizard, he's a death eater for Voldemort and my mother fully supports Voldemort also. Me on the other hand, I think the guy is off his rocker, I mean come on he wants to kill everyone who's not a pure blood BUT HE'S NOT EVEN A PURE BLOOD!!!

Since my father is a death eater that means he wants me to be one also, which I have no intention or ever doing. I've seen what it has done to father, what it has made him into and there is no way that I ever want that kind of stuff to happen to me or my future family. I don't want my future family to be ripped apart like this. Oh yeah back to my point, since he's a death eater he has been making me practice the dark arts all of my life. I know a lot of very powerful spells that father says I shouldn't let anyone know that I know what they are, let alone that I know exactly how to do them.

Anyway, I am a first year at Hogwarts (the wizard school) and I am in Slytherin, not like that was a big surprise everyone in my family was in Slytherin. I only have four friends everyone else dislikes me, no surprise there considering who my father is, but they are Crabbe, Goyle, Blaise, and Pansy. Crabbe and Goyle are rather dumb, but they are loyal and I can depend on them. Not to mention they'll beat up anyone I want them to! Blaise, well he's just a perv and likes to talk about sex and stuff, which is quite amusing to hear him tell all of his stories. Pansy is nice until you cross her, and then she's just flat out a bitch. Plus not to mention she just, let me put it this way paybacks a bitch. My favourite class is potions, probably because father has shown me that potions can be more deadly than most magic. Plus if you do hurt someone with a potion they can't trace it back to the originator as well as they can with wand magic.

The funniest thing happened about two days ago!! Father tried to explain to me what the birds and the bees are!! I sat there patiently waiting for him to finish, even though I already know everything he was trying to tell me, mainly because of what all Blaise has told me. But, I learned long ago not to back talk father, or interrupt him, or try and act like I know more than him, or disobey him in anyway. If I do, well then I get punished. You know stuff like getting beat until I can't move or him putting an unforgivable on me. Stuff that hurts so I'll know not to do it again.

I believe, actually I know I had the worst punishment after not making Harry Potter my friend. Father was very upset with me, needless to say I was punished with the Crucio for a while and then later he just beat me. Father told me that I should have been firmer towards Harry and told him whose boss. But I think I should have been nicer to him. I mean, he didn't even know anything about his life and all of us did. He was probably nervous or something, I know I would have been. I mean one day your just an average muggle, the next day you're a famous wizard for something you don't even remember.

Father says that I need to make his life a living hell, since he turned down my friendship. I honestly think that the more I try to make his life suck, it turns out being better and my life is the one that gets worse. But every time I even get near Harry, whether I'm going to say something bad or not that stupid Weasley brat gets in the way and starts acting like a complete fool. In one of my attempts to make his life worse, he ended up becoming Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team!

Oh yes, I almost forgot! It's CHRISTMAS!!!! I just love this holiday, it's my favourite. I just love the snow and making snow angels and the hot coco and stuff, but mostly I love the presents!! I could never let father know that the snow and all of the Christmas things makes me happy or that I like Christmas holiday otherwise he would make it the worst holiday ever for me. He doesn't believe that I should let any of my emotions show whether they're happy, sad, angry, jealous, love, anything. He says that showing your emotions is a weakness. He says that it would be better if I just didn't have any emotions what so ever. But I don't think I could do that, I mean how could you go though life without feeling anything?

Anyway, father bought me you, and some new robes for school, some new books, a potions set with dark arts stuff, and of course a lot of dark arts things. He said that he had another gift for me, but that it wasn't ready yet and that it should be ready either by tonight or tomorrow. Well there isn't much else to say so….

Talk later,

Draco Malfoy

Harry stared down at the page in front of him. Well that didn't really answer any questions I had about him. Well besides that he's not allowed to show any emotion, but I could have figured that one out. Since I've already started I might as well just read it…. I mean one more page can't hurt. Harry with his mind made up turned the page.

Dec 30, 1991

As I said last time father had a gift he wanted to give to me…well he gave it to me and quite frankly I wish he didn't. To put it nicely, I absolutely hated it. Every little thing about it, I hate. There's not one good thing that came out of it, I didn't like anything about it. I mean an old raggedy shoe would have been better than this. To me, I felt like it wasn't really a gift but more like another sick twisted punishment.

If your wondering what it is I guess I'll just flat out say it. Father made me do that thing with him, the whole birds and bees thing, you know sex. Well yeah, he made me do that with him and I hated it. Merry Christmas to me!! What fun I'm having, NOT!!! I don't think Christmas will ever be the same again, it just can't be the same now…not after this, there's no way that it could be. There are a couple of things that are just wrong, first off it doesn't bother me so much that he's a guy cuz I found out a while ago, okay maybe about two months ago that I like both guys and girls, but the thing that bothers me is that he's my FATHER!!!!

What kind of father does this? I mean he told me that he loved me…well obviously he doesn't, if he wants to cause me to have so much pain. If you loved someone who wouldn't do this to them, would you? I have been waiting…waiting to wake up from this horrible dream. I just wish I could wake up and everything be the same again. I never imagined that this could happen. Thankfully that there isn't much left of Christmas break. Well at least I do know that I can talk to one person about this, my godfather. He'll help me, he'll get me out of here, I hope…I pray.

Aside from him having sex with me he has also decided to lock me in my room, so I can't leave unless he wants me too. So I spend every day locked up in this room, I hate this. If this is how sex is supposed to be, well then I don't know if I ever really want to ever have sex again. Quite frankly I don't think what father is making me do, well I don't consider it sex. I mean, trust me there is no way shape or form that I like this and I want to do it again. I mean I very much disliked it, when father made me have sex with him. I mean he seemed to like it and he was enjoying himself but it just hurts like hell for me.

Ever since then he has been coming into my room in the middle of the night, every night. I asked father if mother knew about what he was doing, and he just yelled at me. He told me that if I would even breathe one word of this to mother then I was as good as dead.

SHIT, I can hear him at my door, you know unlocking it.

Talk later,

Dra

And then the rest of his name was unfinished and the ink was smeared across the page. It looked as though he had just thrown the book aside not even bothering to finish it or even look at it. It looked like he had tried to hide it or something.

"Holy fucking shit!" Harry whispered to himself. I…I can't believe this. This has got to be some kind of a sick joke or something. I mean that…. This couldn't have happened to him of all people. There's no way that this could be real.

Harry closed the black book and laid it down in front of him. He knew that he really shouldn't read any more of the diary. But he knew that he had to find out more about Draco's childhood, his past. He picked the book back up and skimmed through the pages and stop when he reached the centre of the book.

August 22, 1994

Thank god that the summer is almost over, I don't know if I can take this stuff for very much longer. Soon I will be returning as a 4th year to Hogwarts. That place is my saviour from this hellhole I am forced to call home. After all that has happened between father and me I just…I just hate him. I just don't get it. Why? Why does he do this? Even if he is going to rape me, he doesn't have to do it every single night does he? I don't know if I have gotten one full night of sleep without him coming into my room and fucking me.

Even now when I am away from this place, I still have the nightmares of it. It's like the pain follows me wherever I may go. So even when I'm safe, even when I know he can't touch me, I'm still scared of him. Almost every night I wake up from a nightmare and I usually can't get back to sleep. But then again why would I want to go back to sleep? If all am going to do is dream. I just hate the pain of it all, not just the physical pain of him beating me but also the mental pain of knowing that he's only doing this because he knows I'll never tell anyone. He says I have too much pride to let anyone know that I am hurting, and he's right.

All of this stuff that Father has done has just made me feel isolated, alone. I don't think one person is the school knows what I'm going through; at least I hope no one is going through what I'm going through. No matter how much I may want to tell my friends, I know that I can't. They just wouldn't understand what it's like, to be so different from every one else. To have some kind of horrible secret that you can't tell anyone about. It's frustrating to know that they don't have pain like how I have pain. I feel as though I'm losing my mind. Then again, I pray I hope that no one in my school is going through what I'm going through. If they are I hope that they are dealing with it better than me. My head if just so fucked up from this. I haven't been able to think clearly for a long time. The only place where I am somewhat normal is back at Hogwarts.

But I've had enough, I'm tired of it, I decided last night that I'm going to fight back. This stuff has been going on for almost three years and I'm sick of it. So last night I fought him. All he ended up doing was punching me a couple of times and then just beat me an inch from death. By the time he was done beating me, I couldn't even pick myself up off the floor. So father picked me up and put me in my bed and did what he came for to begin with.

So of course today I hurt like hell. I've got bruises and cuts and stuff all over. It hurts me just to write in you, but I have to write to you. You're the only thing I can talk to about this. I mean I can't tell Crabbe or Goyle, I mean they wouldn't understand, but you. You can't talk back at me argue with me, all you can do is listen to me.

This crap has just made me hate my father more than what I did to begin with. But the thing is I hate myself more than I hate him. I mean I'm the one who lets him do this to me. Not any more, I don't care if father does beat me half to death at least then I'll know I didn't let him do this. At least then I would know that I tried to keep him away. At least then I'll know that this isn't my fault, and that maybe some of the pain will go away.

I mean is it so bad that I just want it all to stop? Is it wrong that I want it to end? Is it wrong that I just wish that I could live a normal life just for one day? I mean everyone around me is just so happy and cheerful, but I know I could never be like that. I try, but sometimes trying just isn't good enough. I want to be someone else, anyone else. Just as long as all of the pain would just leave me alone. I mean it doesn't matter what I do, I always just have this weight on my shoulders. It's just like I'm carrying on, even though there is nothing to carry on for. Sometimes I just wish I could die. At least then he could touch me, he couldn't treat me the way he does. Death, it just seems like the answer. The answer to all of my problems, if I could just reach out to death, if I could just die…then just maybe I could be happy, truly happy. And I haven't been happy in a very long time. I just wish that I could kill myself, but I know that I won't. I mean I'm too big of a chicken to actually hurt myself, even though I wish I could everyday.

I think my friends are starting to catch on. I mean they can tell something just isn't right with me. Pansy is always writing me and asking how I am, and saying that everything will be okay. But how could she say that, if she doesn't even know what's going on? Before the end of third year Blaise was actually talking to me in a serious way. Which I'd never seen him like that before. He told me that every time he looks into my eyes it looks like I'm lost. It looks like I'm longing for something. I almost told him, but I stopped myself. I don't need my friends worrying over me any more than what they already do.

I know I don't know a lot of things but there is one thing I am sure I can count on. Hogwarts. As soon as get on that train, as soon as I'm out of this hellhole, I know I'll be safe. I'll be away from him, even if I know once Christmas is hear I have to go back. But for then I would be away from the pain and crying and everything. As soon as I get to Hogwarts everything will be okay, even if it only last for a little while.

Talk Later,

Draco

I really hope he doesn't think death is the answer now. I mean he could talk to somebody about this, I mean he can't keep this to himself. If he does, he'll just drive himself mad. I mean he could talk to me, even though I know I'm the last person in the world he would ever want to talk to. But still, I'd being willing just to hear him out, just to let him get this off of his chest. I just can't believe that Hogwarts is his saviour too. The only difference is that I'm not really in any danger with the Dursleys. I mean it's getting harder for Dudley to beat me up now, now that I myself am stronger and can take him on. But over half the time they don't even really acknowledge that I am alive. They just pretend that I'm not even there, or if they don't acknowledge me they act as though I'm so stupid that I can't understand what they are saying about me.

Harry heard the door to his dorm shut; he looked up and saw Seamus and Dean walk into the room and head for their beds to go to sleep. Seamus looked over at Harry, who was lying on his own bed with the book in his lap, and called out to the raven-haired boy, "Night Harry."

"Night."

Harry had decided to read on…I mean if I've already read some of it I might as well just keep reading. I mean Draco is going to be furious with me either way. But I just end to know more about him and what all has happened, that way maybe I could convince him to talk to me. With that last thought Harry turned the page and continued reading.

August 30, 1994

He came again last night, not that it was a big surprise or anything. I mean he comes every night it's not like it's anything new. But I had a plan and I think my plan worked too. I took that muggle thing; um I think it's called a camera. I set it up in my room so that it could film what Father does to me. How father treats me when no one is looking. How he beats me, puts curses on me, how he…how he rapes me.

But now I have it on tape, now I have proof that he really does do this. But I still can't show anyone. They still wouldn't understand it. They still would think I was weak or that I am letting him do this to me somehow. I know how people are, they question everything, and I doubt that they would think that it's real. They would think that I made it all up somehow. That I'm just some attention seeking kid. But I'm not, all I want is justice. I want my father to feel pain like how he has made me feel for over the last couple of years.

I didn't film this for those people though. The only reason why I even set the camera up, the only reason why I filmed it is because I was trying to prove to myself that it's real, that it wasn't just some horrible nightmare. I think that it makes it more real in my mind by seeing on this. I think that it is implanted in my brain now that this is real, this is my life, this is what's going on whether you want to except it or not, it still is happening. That this way I could at least conceive that it is real and that I am going to have to deal with this, that somehow I need to make it stop.

Somehow, and I have no clue how I did it, but I got it transferred on to a moving picture. So it's like your watching a movie (a really bad movie) through the picture. I can't really explain how I've done this so I've just taped it below. It's just so disgusting, I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at this page again. It just depresses me every time I even glance down at the thing.

That's all for now,

Talk later,

Draco

Harry glanced down at the small but vivid picture. Lucius had his wand out and it was pointed down at Draco, who was lying on the floor in pool of his own blood. Draco looked up at his father tears were burning down the boy's cheeks. Lucius lowered his wand and grabbed his cane. He raised it high over his head and brought it down so hardly that it made a huge gash in Draco's already bruised side.

Draco let out a small moan of pain along with many new tears streaming down his face. He looked up at the man in front of him, he winced away he looked as though he were frighten of what his father was about to do. Lucius bent down and tried to pick the boy up off of the floor. But Draco just kicked at his father; his foot came into contact with his fathers jaw, making his father back away from him.

Lucius walked back over towards Draco this time just grabbing Draco by the neck. He picked the boy up off the floor and made him stand up. Lucius punched Draco in the jaw making the boy stumble backwards. Draco then lunged himself at his father causing his father to lose his balance and fall. Draco started to hit his father repeatedly. Lucius just laid there and laughed at his son. Lucius shoved Draco off of him. Lucius stood up and looked down at the boy. Draco stood himself up and started to look into his father's eyes. Lucius shoved Draco hard causing him to hit his desk and fall once again down on to the floor.

Lucius grabbed his wand once again and pointed it down at the blonde boy lying on the floor. Draco started to back himself up against the desk, trying to put as much distance as he could in-between him and his father. A small grin appeared on Lucius' face, it looked as though he was amused that his son was frightened of him. The word "Crucio" came from the older man's lips. But soon after a new sound came out into the room, Draco's screams. Draco's body was twitching and shaking, tears started to roll down his cheeks, his eyes then started to roll back in his head, his screams were starting to become hoarse from all of the yelling he had done, little cuts started to appear on Draco's arms, legs and back because his skin was starting to rip and this just caused him to scream even louder. Harry cringed at the sight of Draco in so much pain and misery.

Lucius took the unforgivable off of the boy. Draco laid their panting and gasping for air while trying to will his brain back to functioning again. Lucius bent down to pick Draco up again, but this time Draco didn't have the strength or the energy to fight his father off any longer. Lucius laid Draco down onto the bed. Then Lucius himself climbed up into Draco's bed.

The older man grabbed a potion from the bedside table and brought it up to the smaller boy's lips. Draco started to take the potion and his cuts and bruises were already starting to disappear off of his skin. After Draco finished the potion Lucius took the empty vial and laid it back down on the small table.

"You know, it would be so much easier on you if you would just stop trying to fight me off." Lucius whispered into the silent room as he started to remove Draco's clothing. Draco looked up at his father, his eyes seemed different to Harry. They had emotion in them he looked scared and lost.

Harry could hear someone shuffling their feet towards him. He looked up and saw Ron heading over to him. Harry slammed the rather large black book shut.

"Hey Harry? What's that you're reading?" Ron questioned with an eyebrow raised.

"This? It's…um… a um… potions textbook." Harry stammered hoping that Ron would just buy the lie and not ask any more questions.

"Okay? Well just don't turn in to another Hermione on me. I don't know what I would do if there were two people after me to read and do my homework." Ron joked. Harry let out a breath he didn't know that he was holding. He knew that Ron didn't believe him about the whole potions textbook thing, but he was glad that Ron just let the subject drop. "Anyway, I'm off to bed and you should turn in soon too. Remember we have potions again first thing in the morning and we don't want to fall asleep and give Snape another reason to take points from us."

"Alright, alright I go to bed soon. Night, Ron."

Harry watched the red headed boy cross the room and climb into his own bed. Harry opened the book up once again. This time deciding to read the last couple of pages to find out what Draco had been thinking about most recently.

Oct 19, 1996

I've finally come up with a way to get rid of the pain that I feel while I'm at school. I just fuck the pain away. Let me explain. Two weeks ago I came up with the idea and it worked. So two weeks ago I asked Pansy out. Since just about everyone knows, well any guy that is in Slytherin knows that Pansy…well… she's kinda a slut. She'll sleep with anyone. So every night I fuck her.

I know it sounds dumb, but it works. Every time that I sleep with her, all the pain goes away. I know that it's only gone for a while, but it's still gone. I just do it so that I can just have that little bit of time to myself…just a little bit of time when the pain fads away, so that I can just be me. When I'm with her I don't have to remember the things that happen at home. It's just my way of getting rid of everything. All the pain. I know it's dumb. Oh well.

But the scariest thing did happen not to long ago. Actually it was two nights ago. But when I was fucking Pansy I was thinking of someone else. Someone who I had never really thought of in that way. But I do have to admit; he's not really all that bad looking. It's just so odd. I don't know why I thought of him, but I did and I liked thinking of him while I was with her. But there is no chance in hell I would ever have a shot at him. I mean lord knows he's probably already fucking the mud blood or Weasley, which ever he likes more.

I don't know I'll be able to sleep with her much longer anyway. Because last night she completely freaked out on me. I mean she lost it…she started to cry and scream and stuff and was pointing at me like I was some kind of I don't know like an alien or something. At first I didn't understand what was wrong. But then when she pointed at my back I understood what was wrong.

See since now that I fight my father of course he fights back. So on my back I have these scars. Some are were his nails dug into my skin to deep, others are from him throwing me up against things like corners of desks and stuff, some are from the Crucio curse because sometimes when he cast that spell, it's so strong that my skin rips a part, and a few…they're the worst one's to me they are from his cane. After I'm already beat and I can't move, he'll take that damned thing and strike my back with it as hard as he can. I only have two scars from it one is on my neck because he was trying to hit my head but missed and the other one is on my side and I think it just looks flat out I don't know, twice as bad as any of the others.

When she started to ask me what they were from I told her they were from Quidditch. I told her that I fall off my broom a lot and that the landings are not exactly pretty or graceful. She didn't say anything, but I don't think she believed me. But I mean what else was I supposed to tell her. "Oh yeah well my dad has just been raping and beating me since I was 11." Then she would definitely freak out on me and start to act all motherly.

There has been this rumour going around about how Harry, has these horrible nightmares. I heard that he'll be sleeping and then all of a sudden he'll be screaming to the top of his lungs you know calling out for his godfather and stuff and how he'll like start twitching and stuff. It sounds kinda scary, I mean I have nightmares, but the way his sound they just sound like hell. I also heard something like his mind and Voldemort are connected. So like Harry can read his mind and stuff. That just kinda weird. I feel bad for the kid I mean, his parents are dead, now his godfather is dead, I mean who's next? And then when he does fall asleep he has to watch what that sick fuck does to people. It's like the boy has some kind of curse on him like if he ever loves anyone, they'll die. But in the meantime he gets nightmares.

Anyway it's time for me to go meet up with Pansy, I need her to get me some potion ingredients outside in the dark forest and I need also to fuck my problems away. Hehe. Oh yeah I almost forgot, tomorrow Slytherin plays Gryffindor!!! Not that it will be a big surprise or anything on who will win. I mean come Potter never loses; he's just the best there is.

I'll write later,

Draco

Well, that certainly answered some questions. Why in the hell is he thinking of me while he's shagging Pansy? Well, I've thought about him like that too…He's right. I do have a lot of pain, but not nearly as much as what he has. There is no way that mine could ever be as bad as his… So this was Friday night and that's why he was in the Entrance Hall! Harry turned to the next page, the last page in the book with writing on it.

Oct 21, 1996

Well as usual Slytherin lost, no big surprise there. But something else happened, it was really weird too. Well yesterday I wasn't really into the game, I didn't really want to play or anything so I just followed Harry around to make it look like I was really playing. But of course he doesn't like it when people follow him around so Potter pulled some dive trick on me and I fell for it.

Of course my anger got the better side of me, so I attacked him. Not exactly the smartest thing in the world to do. But when we were beating each other up, and Potter got a hard on. The next thing I knew I was rubbing my leg up against him and he started to moan. I don't know what was wrong with me. But for some reason I really wanted to make him moan. His moan was just so… I don't know how to describe it but it just made me want to make him cum in his pants. It's just kinda odd.

But then he started to thrust himself up against me, it just felt so good and it felt right. Not that I would admit this to anyone but when he started to thrust up against me I kinda started to get turned on by him. I have no clue what that was about. Not that I'm complaining. I mean he is the hottest guy in the school, if only he would just take off those silly glasses. If I was with him those would be the first things to go, along with most of his clothes. Hmm… There's a thought. Harry without his clothes on… that would be a nice sight. Hehe.

I think it pretty much solves it…I guess I have a crush on the Scar-Head. Oh well not much I can do about, well besides helping Potter with his way of relieving stress. Hehehe. It seems to me that he doesn't do that enough, otherwise what happened on the Quidditch Pitch never would have happened. Well unless, he likes me back in that way. But that's just nuts. But maybe then again maybe he's gay or bi too. Heck just about everyone in the school thinks I'm one of the straightest guys, but really I'm gayer than I am straight.

And to think Potter made me promise I wouldn't tell any body. Heck I'm the one who was rubbing up against him. I'm the one who was trying to make him moan out. I'm the one who wanted nothing more than just to shag him right there on the field. Plus, I did kind of slip up yesterday when we were in the hospital. I um well I kissed him, but the thing that shocked me was that he was kissing me back too! If Professor Snape hadn't interrupted us, I probably would have tried to take it further. Well I guess there's nothing else to say really besides the fact that all I want to do is shag Harry Potter senseless.

Talk Later,

Draco

Harry couldn't help but blush. Draco liked him. That's very interesting. I can't believe that he likes me like that. I never would have even guessed it if the whole kissing thing didn't happen. But now…I mean what am I supposed to say to him now? He likes me and I like him I guess I should just go for him and let him shag me like he seems to want to do so badly. Then again, maybe I could shag him.

Harry took his pants off and tossed them onto the floor next to him. He took off his glass and laid both the book and his glasses on his bedside table and then closed the curtains that surrounded his bed. He felt tired and he knew that he need to go to sleep, otherwise he would be falling asleep in potions. He stared up not really seeing anything, and let his mind wonder towards thoughts of a certain Slytherin before drifting off to sleep.

Author's Note: I know, I know the whole thing about Draco and his dad is very very sick. But still review and tell me just how sick and wrong you think I am.