A tear escapes as I lay in my bed. I am hugging a pillow while I think about what just has happened. I am scared shitless of what can happen to me. I hear Johnny coming inside. He sees me laying on the bed and inhales deeply. I lay with my back to the door. I close my eyes, pretending that I am asleep. He takes his shirt off and his shoes when he sits on the bed. He turns his head to look at me, then he stands up and takes his pants off.

"Baby?"

He whispers as he lays himself on his side, beneath the sheets. He looks at my back.

"I'm sleeping."
"Hmm."

He moves closer to me. I inhale deeply when I feel his fingers caressing my back. He looks at my bra, which I still have on. For Pete's sake, I should have taken it off because it is actually annoying me. His fingers are so soft, why is he being so caring? He opens my bra and I open my eyes.

"Hey!"

I turn a little so I can look at him. I see him smiling. I sigh and lay back down on my side. He moves closer to me. He leans in and gives me a sweet kiss on my shoulder blade. I cannot help but smile, but I also know what he wants, and I am not in the mood. Not with the news from his father. His fingers push the bra strap off my shoulder, he wants to take it off.

"Not now."
"Baby."
"No, I'm not in the mood."

He inhales deeply and slips his arm around me. I move a little and grab his hand.

"I love you."
"I know you do, but you can't change my mind."
"I don't want to change your mind."
"Not?"

He surprises me quite often, but agreeing on not having sex is the first time I heard him doing. I am quite appalled by this. Johnny not wanting sex. What a surprise indeed.

"Then why did you open my bra?"
"Because I know you find it uncomfortable in bed."

I turn a little so I can look in his eyes. He smiles as he looks into mine. He leans in to kiss me and I close my eyes to kiss him back. I feel his fingers going to my button and I hold my breath.

"Please, Johnny."

He looks at his fingers. I can see his smile and his love for me. He has changed quite a lot when it comes to love, and he has changed so fast as well. Now I think of it, he is more open and not afraid to show his love for me. He does not care what people seem to say or think. He protects me, and he seems to be so proud of me. I never had this in my life.

He looks in my eyes and I sigh lightly. That is right, he can make me sigh like a teenager with a huge crush, even when we lay in bed naked. Oh wait, I'm still a teenager. Right, sometimes I forget that myself. I know I am weird.

"I'm scared."

I whisper it because I did not want to say it out loud. I see his eyes changing.

"I won't ever let anything happen to you."
"But what if something happens?"
"I would die for you, Baby."

I keep looking in his eyes, then he kisses me, I close my eyes to kiss him back. I know he means those words.

"What if the plan doesn't work?"
"It will work, I'll make sure of it."
"Johnny."

He pushes some hair out of my face as he smiles, trying to make me feel at ease. I can see he would do anything to make me feel happy and comfortable. I can see it in his eyes, he does not have to say it with words. I move a little and take my bra away. He looks down and back at my face when I throw my bra away. But I am still not in the mood, I just want to sleep in his arms.

We cannot be in the mood every day, even if our relationship is still fresh and people love to have sex a lot when they just start a relationship. I have read that it is this hormone that when you are in love, that you want to feel that feeling it gives you all the time, that it is addictive, and that sex enhances that feeling. And that this feeling slowly fades the longer the relationship takes. I wonder, what if he gets tired of me?

"What's on your mind, Baby?"
"Have you ever been in love before?"

He watches my face to see if I am serious about this question. He inhales deeply. I keep watching him. I move on my back. He moves himself on top of me while he keeps looking in my eyes. He leans on his elbows. I see him thinking as I wait for an answer. I let my fingers go through his chest hair.

"I was, when I was twelve."
"You want to tell me about it?"
"Not really, I mean, I thought I was in love, and she made me think she was in love with me too."
"What happened?"

I can see this is something sensitive.

"She tricked me."
"What do you mean?"

He rolls off me and lays on his side. I watch him as he lays his head on his arm and his other hand lays on my belly. I see him thinking about his past. I grab his hand. He looks in my eyes.

"I was trying to ask her out for about three months. It was before the winter ball. I asked her if she wanted to be my date for the ball, and since she knows, like the whole school knew, that I dance, and she liked the thought of that, she said yes. I thought I was in heaven."
"What did she do?"
"She told me at the ball that she would become my girlfriend if I had sex with her that night. Of course, as being a teenager whose hormones are rushing through his body, I agreed on that. I mean, what boy wouldn't want sex with the girl they think they're in love with, right?"

I feel upset for him. I remember what he told his father, how his addiction started. He can see my expression and inhales deeply. He looks at my body, I can see his expression changing into one of admiration.

"So, she used you?"
"It was even worse than that."
"What did she do?"

He sighs deeply. I let my thumb run softly over his palm and he closes his eyes. He has a weird place for a turn on button, though it is also kind of sexy.

"After the sex, which didn't took long anyway, she told me the truth. It was her first time as well, she wanted to know how it felt. And she said that it sucked, that I am a loser. Then she walked away, taking my clothes with her, so others would laugh at me when I came out of the toilets."

Wait, toilets? His first time was in the toilets at a ball? I feel so sorry for him. No one should have their first time at a ball, or prom, let it be in the toilets of one.

"I'm so sorry."
"Don't be, the truth is that from that evening on, kids at school made fun of me. She didn't kept it a secret about the sex, and I had to walk naked through the building to get away. I've never felt so embarrassed in my life."
"People have no clue how good you are."
"I know you want to make me feel at ease."
"I want you to be happy."
"I am happy, Baby, you make me happy."

I lift his hand up and give a soft kiss on his palm. I see his eyes and he is holding his breath.

"It took three years for me to get over that whole thing, so I could move on."
"No one should have their first time in a toilet at a stupid ball."

He looks in my eyes. I lay his hand on my chest, he looks at the gesture. I grab his lower jaw and pull him in. We kiss and I feel him holding his breath. He moves and I stop the kiss. I watch him moving back on top of me. I smile as I look in his eyes.

"You're still not in the mood?"
"I want to give you a proper first time."

He chuckles a little about it. He leans on his elbows and gives me a soft kiss.

"How was your first time?"

I can see he has trouble asking me that. I think about my first time with Justin.

"You want to know about my first time with Justin?"
"Yes, and I still don't understand what you saw in him."

I sigh and lay my arms around his neck. I love his weight on top of me. It feels familiar, like home.

"It was awkward, we both had no clue what we were doing, also, he didn't even penetrated me fully when he came."
"How old were you?"
"Fifteen, it was in his room, we were together for about six months. I remember how many girls were so jealous of me at school. Justin was the popular boy, every girl wanted to date him, but somehow he wanted to date me."
"I can't imagine why, but I could see that he still loves you."
"I know he does, he wants me back, but I told him I've moved on, I'm with you now."
"Why did you broke up?"
"We wanted different things, so I told him that it would be better to break up, to be honest, I stopped loving him in the last few months of our relationship. Maybe I've never really loved him to begin with, I didn't know what love was at that time, except for the love you get from your parents."

He looks down at my body and I watch him. Then he lifts his head up again and I see him smiling. His special smile. Making me to smile as well.

"I'm glad, Baby."
"Johnny?"

I see him swallowing and I inhale deeply. I lay my hand on his cheek, feeling the little hard stubbles he has now.

"What if you fall out of love with me? What if you get tired of me? Or you don't find me attractive enough anymore?"

He can see my fear for that happening one day.

"I know our relationship is still fresh, and everything is amazing and all, because that's normal when you start a new relationship, but what if you eventually get tired of that?"
"Baby."

I close my eyes when I feel his fingers on the base of my throat. He has no clue what he is doing to me. Not only with this, but with everything he does.

"I don't think it's possible for me to fall out of love with you."
"You don't know that."
"I think I do. I've never felt anything like this before. I don't want to lose these feelings, Baby, I finally feel what love is, you're not going to lose me, even if you would want to get rid of me. I'm never letting you go."
"I think I've just fallen deeper in love."

I whispered the sentence. He smiles and inhales deeply. I pull his head closer and kiss him. He closes his eyes and moans.

"I thought you weren't in the mood."
"What if your mother kills me or something?"
"She won't get near you, I'll protect you."
"But what if?"
"I'll die of heartache."

Now he sounds corny. I do see his eyes, the twinkle in them. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. He moans deeply while he kisses me back.

"Baby."
"Yes?"
"Are you really not in the mood?"
"I want you to feel like it would be your first time."

He chuckles a little and gives me a kiss on my nose.

"Baby, I think I've got a little too much experience for that."
"But think as if it's your first time."
"No, I don't want that, but I do want to say that every time with you, it feels real and good, you make me feel connected, wanted and loved. And most of all, you're not getting tired of it, of me."
"I want to make you feel like that all the time, because I really love you."

He starts to kiss me, the kiss that takes my breath away. And then, my dear reader, I do not think I have to tell you what happened right after that kiss.