Forgetting Her

He bolted upright with her name on his lips, the shiver running down his spine having less to do with the cool air in the hole-in-the-wall apartment he was staying in and more to do with the images that lingered from the dream. He could still see her lifeless gaze, still feel the blood leaking through his own hands as he tried to put pressure on the wound, and he had begged her to stay with him. Reddington's cool voice stayed with him, even as the more logical side of his mind assured him it was just a nightmare. Just a dream.

What part of never was unclear to you, Tom?

Liz was not dead. She was alive and as safe as she could be right now with everything that was happening. A struggle with a gun had happened, yes, but the shots had brought him to the floor, not her. As long as she kept her wits about her, she would be safe. As much as Tom hated to admit it, Reddington would protect Lizzy where he could not, at least until he got what he wanted. Then he had no idea how the Concierge of Crime would act. Part of him hoped that the affections were true, if for nothing else than Liz trusted him and would until Reddington proved her wrong. If he betrayed her - like you did, a small voice in his own mind seemed to say - she might not recover from that one. She might not know to fight back until it was too late. At least when he trained a gun on Liz, he knew he wouldn't pull the trigger. He couldn't say that he had the same faith in Reddington if push came to shove.

Tom loosed a long breath out his nose and leaned back against the creaky bed he was sleeping in, blinking against the darkness of the room. He missed his bed. He missed the little townhouse that they had bought together and lived their lives together in. He missed her, no matter how much he tried not to. No matter how deep into Christof Manheim he tried to sink. It didn't matter.

He reached up to run his hand through his hair, only to be reminded it was gone. His fingers traveled across his buzzed scalp and he winced just a little as they found the cuts a broken bottle of some kind had left. He'd barely felt it when it had hit. He'd been so absorbed by the need to pummel something or someone. He needed something to focus on other than her.

Blue eyes drifted over to a small digital clock next to the bed. Three in the morning. Liz would already be up and possibly in the office by now. His gaze drifted down to the phone next to the clock and he frowned. It had been a mistake to call her before he flew out. He never should have reached out. It put his new mission in danger and it opened up wounds that she would be trying to close by now, but he hadn't been able to stop himself. She had answered before he'd given himself permission to dial and then… then he'd had to say something, even if she hung up in his ear.

But she hadn't hung up immediately like he had expected her to. She had stayed on, and he could hear that small smile in her voice as he gave her tips on undercover work. He couldn't protect her like he'd hoped to, but he could do that at least. He could help her protect herself.

An ache set in as he forced himself to look away. He couldn't call again. He shouldn't call again. It put everything in danger, including her. He had to make the right decision and move on. Tom needed to forget the way a real laugh always made it all the way to her eyes, or the way that she would jump on his back when she was being silly. He didn't dare think about how comfortable it had once been between them, and how he could have been happy to live the rest of his days just like that. It had been a truth that had terrified him, but even now it did him no good. He had to forget her so that he could do his job.

He just wasn't sure he knew how.

Notes: These two just kill me. They really do. I ship them so hard.

Thank you so much for your lovely words of encouragement on these! I've had several requests that I'm going to let stew for a few days and see what comes of them. I wanted to get this one written before tonight's episode. I'm sure that will send the plot bunnies gnawing on me like crazy :D