Scars That Make Us Brave
When Liz had been a little girl she had dreamt of fire and terror. She woke screaming in her bed, unable to contain it until Sam came in and rocked her back to sleep. He would sing to her, stroke her hair, and comfort her. Her daddy who had chosen to be her daddy would tell her that the scars left behind by terrible events could make her brave if she would let them.
That has been years ago now. Sam was gone and not all of Liz's scars were physical. The ones on her soul didn't make her feel strong or brave, they just left her a little more hollow with each new mark. Each terrible event chipped away at her and she wasn't sure if there would be anything left at the end of it, leaving her empty and alone. A shell of who she had once been and of her who father would have wanted to her to be.
Liz shifted in the bed, sheets wrapped up around her and shadows playing over the form of the man sleeping soundly next to her. She shouldn't have kept meeting with him like she had been. She should have told him to go and meant it, but she couldn't quite make herself. He had kept calling, kept offering bits of advice and answering questions when she needed him to. He was knowledgeable and clever, giving her a fresh viewpoint on things when Reddington could not or would not. One thing led to another and the man that had once been her husband was lying next to her that night, sleeping more peacefully than she thought he might have in some time.
He had a few scars of his own. She'd put several of them there, and as her gaze traveled over his bare back she could see the faint outline of where a bullet had cut through him. She hadn't seen the wounds since they had healed and they were fainter than she might have suspected. Before she gave herself permission to she reached out, fingers touching the raised skin and Tom tensed a little in his sleep.
Liz held her breath, waiting for him to wake, but when he didn't, she let it loose. Instead he only stirred, twisting so he was lying in his stomach and face turned towards her. It was strange, looking at him like this. He looked so peaceful right then, so much like her Tom. Even with the buzzed hair and the German tattoos, in that light she could see him, and she had to admit to herself just how much she missed him.
He had told her that she helped him to feel wanted for the first time in his life. She had been his greatest success because of that. Even after everything, he wanted to love her. She wasn't sure she understood why, but she supposed it was something close to her own reasons why she couldn't quite let him go.
Liz scooted closer and pressed her lips against his shoulder. Blue eyes fluttered open and a smile pulled his lips. "Hey," he murmured. "Good morning."
"Not yet," she answered and forced herself to keep her breathing steady.
His eyes were focused in on her, sharper than they should have been just out of sleep. He'd been in hiding lately, she knew, running from the Germans, from his former boss, and who knew else. Tom had made a lot of enemies, but he seemed determined to make sure Liz wasn't one of them. Between ducking in and out of the shadows, he'd offered to help her where he could. How he was keeping himself afloat without work and without access to the money that he might have had stashed in various places, she was pretty sure she didn't want to know. He hadn't gone and gotten that boat yet, though, and if she were honest with herself, she wasn't too upset with that.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked, his eyelids drooping again once he seemed sure that no imminent threat was looming over them.
"Scars."
"Yeah? Whose?"
She watched him carefully. His muscles were relaxing again and he had his arms shoved up under the pillow, face buried in it. He looked so comfortable there and he was near to dozing again. She sat up, eyes fixed on the ones on his back again. Slowly, carefully, she reached out and ran her finger across one. "Ours," she said quietly and he shivered.
"Tickles."
That pulled a small laugh out of her and he cracked an eye open again, a smile tugging his lips. "What about our scars, Liz?"
The mirth faded, brief as it had been, and she remained quiet, fingers gently moving over raised skin. He shifted after a moment, turning over so that he was lying on his back and looking straight up at her. She didn't move, but remained frozen there, a whole new set of scars visible from the front, and when she finally did speak, her voice was small. "Are we fooling ourselves?"
Tom's expression remained blank for a moment, but somewhere behind the mask that darkened his eyes she could see flickers of emotions running so deep that many people had probably told him they didn't exist. Her name left his lips in a breath, and he reached up, fingers touching the side of her face gently. A few more of the walls crumbled to reveal more of the man she'd loved so much once. "Why?"
Liz loosed a shuddering breath and leaned into his touch. "Look at us. It's like… we're trying to put our shattered life back together with only half the pieces. You lied to me about everything and I nearly killed you. How…" She pulled in a deep breath and closed her eyes, her hand coming up to touch his.
"I don't think we're trying to put it back the way it was," Tom said softly. "I guess… I thought we were trying to build something out of it."
"Why though?"
He looked struck by the question and Liz tried not to feel guilty. These were the hard question. Someone had to ask them or he was just going to sink back into his role of her loving husband. She was not just pushing him away because she was terrified. Absolutely not.
"I love you," he spoke the words that he so rarely said anymore. They weighed heavily in the air between them and he sat up so that they were facing each other on the bed in some motel room that Liz was in that week.
"How?"
"What do you mean how?" he asked, tilting his head as if he were genuinely confused by the question. It was a quirk that he shared with the man that she'd married.
She reached out again, fingers ghosting over the entry points that she'd left on him. "I held you prisoner."
"You saved my life."
"I… levied your health for information."
"You were in over your head. You didn't…" He sighed and pulled his knees up closer to his chest, hunching over them, but never breaking eye contact. "You're too good of a person, Liz. What happened to you - what I did to you - wasn't your fault." A small, real smile played on his lips. "Not everything was a lie. A lot of it was true. You changed… everything, Lizzy. I never wanted to get out before you. Never even thought about it."
"It's caused you nothing but trouble."
"So? If I can be close to you, that's all that matters. I don't care what they threaten me with."
"You're crazy, do you know that?" she asked with a small laugh and she rocked forward on her knees, pressing a kiss to his lips. "Do you think they can make us stronger?"
"What?"
"Our scars."
"I hope so." He swallowed hard. "Do you want me to go?"
Liz shook her head, her hair falling in all directions. Tom leaned forward and she met him halfway, so much of the pain that they felt smoothed over by the moment shared. It might not last, but maybe as time went on it would. They could find the truth in the lies that were told and replace the bad moments with good ones. They could build their lives back up, even if they couldn't return to what they once had. They could build something new.
Finally they broke, both breathless from the kiss and Tom scooted back down into his place in the bed. She followed, feeling his strong arms around her. It felt right. It felt safe, despite everything that had happened. The thought of him walking out of the door and never coming back frightened her more than having him there. Maybe they could take that bumpy, winding road together, and maybe, just maybe, they could come out stronger than they ever knew they could be.
Notes: Apparently I just wanted to kick myself in the Keen2 feels tonight. Between my update for my story Small Truths and this one, I almost ended up a weeping mess. These two just about kill me every time.
It bothers me greatly that his scars don't show very clearly in the Tom Keen episode. I think, maybe, you can see one of the bullet scars when the light hits just right, but it's very difficult to tell on my television. Has anyone else noticed that?
If you have any other shorts that you'd like to see, don't forget to let me know! I'd be happy to add them to my list :D