Anything Less

"I've been thinking."

Liz snorted, looking up from her documents that she was going over. "Well that's dangerous," she teased, her voice holding a little less bite than it probably should have been. It was easy to fall into the fantasy that nothing had happened, especially with dinner sitting mostly eaten between them and Tom leaned back against the bed, simply watching her. It should have made her uncomfortable, but the look was softer than it had been in a while. It reminded her more of the man that she had married and less of the cold operative that could snap a man's neck while chained to the wall of a boat. He was there to provide some insight to a case that they were both fairly confident had direct links to the Major's organization. She had chosen to call him instead of Red, telling herself that the decision made sense. Tom had grown up in the organization. He knew more about it than Red ever could.

She shifted, flipping a paper over to start in on what was written on the other side. "What are you thinking about?"

"Remember when we first started dating-"

"Tom," she warned. They had an unspoken rule that they didn't discuss their life before unless Liz brought it up. Their relationship was professional now. He was a CI and that's where it ended.

"Just hear me out? Please?"

She sighed and laid the file down, waving him on to continue. A small smile turned the corners of his lips up and he shifted to grab the cups that had been all she had to drink the wine in that he'd brought for the dinner. She still wasn't quite sure where he had found a place to cook the food, but he was resourceful. He had shown up with it in hand when she called. Maybe it was time to leave the motel and get a real apartment. One with a table and cabinets to store wine glasses in.

Tom passed the cup over and set the wine bottle between them. "When we first started dating we'd get together like this - well, not exactly like this, but you know what I mean - and we swapped stories and got to know each other."

Liz was mid-pour when she looked up at him, feeling her entire body tense a little at what should have been a casual statement of fact, but only seemed to serve as a reminder of all the lies. "I'd watch what you say next," she warned, her voice cold.

Her ex-husband blinked, raising his hands as if she had a gun on him. "I was just going to say that you should ask if you want to know anything. A lot was true, but there's a lot you don't know."

"You say that like I care," she bit out. "You told me what I needed to know about your past in the boat."

Tom visibly winced at that, his eyes growing a little more guarded at the mention of his time as her prisoner. He didn't bring it up and she hated to think about it, so it was never talked about. Finally he settled back again. "Just thought you might want to know the truth, after asking for it befor."

"What is there to know? You were raised by a man that likes to kidnap children and raise them to be sociopaths."

"Never mind," he snapped back. "I was just... Never mind."

Liz felt a small stab of guilt and her shoulders sagged. She shut the file in front of her and set her cup down, studying him. It made him uncomfortable, if the small twitch that was beginning to show was any sign, but she tried to remind herself that while he was doing a poor job of it, he was trying to be more open with her. That should mean something. It did mean something, if she was able to get past the burst of anger and hurt. "That was a little harsh," she admitted softly.

He shrugged. "You're just being honest," he said with a mirthless laugh.

He was shrinking back behind his defenses and Liz found herself reaching out to him, fingers touching his arm carefully. He flinched and Liz knew she had struck a real sore spot. "I'm sorry. You're right, I don't know much about it and... What do you want to tell me?"

Tom shrugged again. "It was an open invitation."

"Honesty hour?" Liz asked with a small smile. When they had been married and they had had a particularly nasty fight,, they would often grab a bottle of wine between them and have what they called their honesty hour. Anything could be said and the other promised to listen. It opened things up and often allowed them to speak more freely so that the underlying issue came out by the end of it.

"Only if you want."

"Only if the same rules apply," she countered sternly. "No getting up and walking out if you don't want to answer. And you have to be honest, Tom, not just pick and choose."

"That's kind of the point, but you have to promise not to get too pissed if you don't like an answer." A very small smile and a little bit of a tease shone in his eyes. "Maybe put your gun out of immediate reach?"

Liz snorted, rolling her eyes. "I promise not to shoot you."

"Okay."

"Anything? Really?"

"Anything."

She pulled in a breath and thought about what she wanted to lead with. It was different than on the boat. There she had been his interrogator, but here he was offering the truth. She was about to break through some of the lies, and that could be dangerous. In that boat she had been very careful not to ask questions that would compromise the burning rage she had been drowning in. If she were honest, she was a little afraid of getting to know Jacob that had masqueraded as Tom. "Where were you born?"

"Chicago."

"What happened to your parents?"

He shrugged. "No idea. I grew up in the system."

"Until... Bud?"

Tom chuckled a little. "Yeah."

"What's funny?"

"More ironic. I..." He closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath, like he was steadying himself for what he was about to say. When he opened his eyes again, that blue gaze was focused in on her. "I didn't...connect well as a kid. Still don't. Not really. I can make everyone around me think I get it, but I can count the number of honest connections I've made in my life on one hand."

"Bud was one?"

"Thought he was. Guess it wasn't as mutual as I thought."

He had said that his handler was after him, and as far as she understood the Major was the person that he referred to as his handler. This man that had raised him had put a gun to his head because he had come back to help her. She hadn't let herself dwell on it before, but now that she did she realized just what that meant.

"I guess he was the closest thing to family you had, wasn't he?" she asked softly.

"Yeah."

"What about foster parents?"

He shrugged again and took a long drink from his cup. "Too many to count. I had one set I liked, but I wasn't very good at faking it yet. They didn't know what to do with me and sent me back."

"Tom," she breathed, inching closer. "With all of that, why would you have ever wanted to adopt?"

His expression softened at the question. "Bud gave me a choice when I was fourteen and I took it because I didn't see another option. I was alone and more scared than I wanted to admit. I didn't have anyone on my side. I guess... I just wanted to give a kid a chance to get out of that. Like Sam did for you."

The mention of her adopted father's name made Liz's chest tighten a little and Tom turned to look at her again. "Sam saved your life in more ways than you know, Lizzy."

"He always liked you."

"I liked him too."

"Did he know?" she whispered, the question one she wasn't certain she wanted an answer to.

"About me?" He waited until she nodded. "He did, but Liz, your dad and I were very honest with each other about you. He knew how I felt and that's the only reason he didn't shoot me on sight."

Liz choked on a laugh. "You were terrified that he would," she managed, remembering how nervous he had been to meet Sam.

"Yeah. That wasn't an act."

She smiled and finally leaned back against the bed with him, their shoulders almost touching. "So he was okay with it?"

"He understood. Trust me, I was on the receiving end of some pretty dangerous threats of I ever broke your heart." He frowned a little, a distant sort of look in his eyes. "Your dad was a really good man. I guess... He's probably what a dad should be."

Liz watched him and felt a small smile take hold. She had always thought that he would have made a great father. She had watched him with the kids he taught and how well he handled the ones that seemed to cause the most trouble. She didn't dare voice it, but she still thought - if he could straighten out his path - he might still make a good father someday.

Impulsively she reached out, looping her arm through his and leaning against shoulder. "You may not make connections easily, but once you do you can't give them up, can you?"

"Apparently not."

"What about Bud?"

Tom snorted. "If it were just me.. Whatever. I don't know what I'd do. Probably nothing."

"Who else is it?"

"He might come after you. I don't know. Even a maybe is dangerous."

"That's why you've been willing to help with these cases?"

"Yeah."

This man truly had given up everything for her now, and while it was obvious that he wanted to be in her life, he hadn't been overbearing about it. Calls had turned into visits, but only when one of them needed something. He hadn't asked for a lot in return for the help he gave, though. She wasn't sure if he was just trying to prove something or if he wasn't sure how to act now that he wasn't hiding behind a mask.

Liz tightened her grip on him, bracing herself for her next question. "If you loved me, why didn't you tell me who you are?" The question left her lips on such a small voice that she hated it, but it had weighed on her too many sleepless nights since he had come back. If he had stayed away she could have just assumed that she was another job, but he had made it abundantly clear that it was more than that.

He pulled in a deep breath, his shoulders rising and falling with it. Silence filled the motel room and she finally risked a look up at him, finding a frown etched deeply there, his expression thoughtful. "I'll answer," he promised when he realized she was watching him. "Just...give me a second."

"Just be honest. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, Tom. Pretty sure there's only so much you can do to them." She tried for a smile to ease the tension.

"I was scared," he breathed out. "I didn't... I didn't want to lose you. I thought about telling you, but after the go-box... I just wanted to put it all behind us."

He sounded so unsure of the words, like she might just get up and walk out. She should. She should have been running, not joining him with putting her heart on the line. Finally he pulled away enough to look at her. "Could you tell me honestly you wouldn't have just left, or turned me in, or-"

Liz shook her head. "I don't know what I would have done."

"I liked being what I became for that job. I hoped... I hoped it just wouldn't end. Stupid, huh?"

"Maybe not. Here we are, aren't we?" He blinked at her and Liz shifted so that she was on her knees and could look him directly in the eye. This was why she hadn't risked talking to him on the boat. She had been afraid how much of Jacob really was wrapped up in Tom. Right then, she saw the man she had fallen in love with. He was a little rougher and carried a heavier weight than she had realized, but he was there. "Do you love me? After everything we've done to each other?"

"You know I do," he whispered.

"No, Tom. Everyone else has said it but you. I need to hear you say it. I need to know that I'm not... Putting my own emotions on you, you know?"

He nodded, his expression tight. He hadn't uttered the words to her since the evening he had told her that he was taking Hudson for a walk. They had fought, she had nearly killed him, and life had been a continuous hell since then. She had wondered from time to time how different things might have been if he'd come clean about everything at various points in their marriage, right up until the point that he shattered her heart in their dining room by refusing to love her after everything. He'd told her it was just a job then, and now she needed him to tell her the truth, even if it was that he didn't truly love her. She needed to know.

Slowly, Tom shifted where he was sitting and took hold of her hand, lifting it to his lips, and pressed a kiss to it. "I love you, Lizzy. More than anything or anyone. I'm not.. very good at it, but I'm learning."

She leaned forward, barely breathing, and her free hand went to the side of his face. Tom leaned into her touch and didn't resist as she pulled him towards her, his eyes drifting closed.

The last time she had kissed him, she had been trying to break free. He couldn't be honest with her and she couldn't allow herself to accept less.

But then he had come back and chosen to tell her the truth.

Now, as the kiss deepened, she was fairly certain that goodbye was beyond either of them. His hand came up, tangling in her hair, and she held tight to his t-shirt as they rocked back.

A soft laugh escaped her as his back hit the floor and she found herself leaned over him. He blinked his eyes open. "What?" he asked breathlessly.

"This could easily be the most reckless decision either of us have ever made."

"Do you want to stop?" he asked hesitantly and she leaned down and kissed him again.

"No."

Notes: So, I actually meant to post another shorter one today, but then this happened, and now I'm posting it because I really just need these two to have honest, romantic, and fluffy moments.

The hiatus is over tomorrow! We have four lovely weeks of Blacklist for the season. I'm dreading that longer break, though. Thoroughly dreading it. If you're over on Tumblr, though, there's a fun RP group that has been going back and forth over there. There's a Tom, Liz, Red, and Ressler. You should go watch them bicker and flirt and ask them questions. It's a lot of fun.