Ichigo Charm

A/N: It's humor with AU. Deal.

Warning: Slight AU. Definitely spots of OOC in here. Occurs after the night (well…several nights?) of the Arrancar battle (Ikkaku, Renji, Hitsugaya, and Matsumoto). By the way, I'm also ignoring the Vizards for this. Meaning: MANGA SPOILERS.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

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It was quite early in the morning of a wondrous school day and as the orange-haired teenager took a glance out the window, he already knew that the day was going to be, well, good. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and even his crazy father didn't barge into his room to give him the 'morning hug' treatment. What more can a guy want? Oh, that's right. No soul-eating monsters with giant masks to be appearing in his town please.

The young man called out softly towards his closet, "Oi, Rukia."

There was no response.

"Hey, wake up!" He yelled louder, "Ru-ki-a."

Not a noise.

Ichigo sighed and got up, "You better get up or-"

Tripping over an object strewn carelessly on the ground, he fell and landed on his face. "Damn it! Stop leaving your…pink frilly box on the floor?"

He looked at the girly wrapping and Ichigo's cheeks lit up to a light shade of rose when he saw the Chappy the Rabbit shaped note attached to the aforementioned box with his name written cleanly on the paper.

"Maybe from Rukia…?"

Making sure the door to his room was closed and locked (of course, he checked his closet, when he suddenly recalled that Rukia didn't live in his closet anymore and was actually in his sisters' room), he placed the box at the center of his bed. What did the violet-eyed girl get him?

"It better not be Chappy related." The representative shinigami wiped his sweaty palms against his shirt and placed them over the lid of the box before eagerly tearing the package open…

PSSSSFFFFFFFFFFF!

"F-" Ichigo coughed violently when he inhaled the pungent pink aroma that was triggered to spray when the box opened. Eyes watering from the corrosive contact, he looked down at the innocent bottle before throwing it across his room and running out.

"Is she trying to poison me!" He sniffed himself and wrinkled his nose. "…Smells like lavender…and strawberries?"

…He slapped his forehead in aggravation. When would the referral to his name end?

"This better wash off."

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Ichigo, the air around him smelling strongly of strawberries, ran towards the raven-haired girl who was walking in the direction of his school. Sadly, the scent did not wash off; instead, it got worse.

"RUKIA!"

He watched as Rukia lazily raise a hand in greeting, not bothering to turn around. "You know, maybe you should get some lessons on reiatsu control."

Ignoring her, he bellowed, "What's the big idea with the perfume!"

She turned around slowly. "What perfume are you…?" The young woman paused. "Ichigo…"

"So?" He quirked an eyebrow noting the strange expression on her face as she faced him. "Tell me about the perfume."

Rukia suddenly smiled with her lips curved into a seductive smirk and began pacing towards him. "Ichigo…How about I tell you that you look very delicious today?"

"…What?" Ichigo's brain halted for a second before screaming out, "This is definitely not our Rukia!"

"I'll admit something to you." Rukia leaned into his personal space and Ichigo took a step back from instinct. "I've always found Chappy very adorable but…" She paused, her index finger lingering on his shoulder.

Ichigo gulped, ears reddening.

"…He'll never surpass you."

The male shinigami gave her a nervous smile as he tried to ignore the heat he felt rising from his cheeks. "What's worse, being compared to a rabbit or confronting a Rukia impersonator?"

"Ichigo…" rumbled the female as she pressed against him.

"Ahh…Rukia?" He stiffened from the contact and awkwardly patted her back; his face was very, very red. The little demon inside him cackled, "Rukia: 4! Ichigo: 0!"

She looked up at him with her big doe eyes and whispered, "Let's be rabbits and have a romp in our nest h-"

Before she could finish her sentence though, Ichigo ran away from her as fast as he could. No amount of persuasion could have made him stay.

"Wait, my honey rabbit!"

He could hear the rapid footfalls behind him, and that prompted him to run even quicker.

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"Oh shit that was…"

Ichigo breathed out loudly, collapsing into his chair. He was surprisingly alone in the classroom right now, being the first one present.

Resting his head on the desk, he muttered to no one in particular, "She was so…so forward."

Immediately, the door slammed opened; when Ichigo looked up Keigo appeared beside him and wrapped an arm around the shoulder of the shinigami. "Oh ho ho! Who was forward with you, Ichigo my bestest bud in the whole entire world?"

"Ehh…Bugger off Keigo." He half-heartedly knocked him upside the head.

"What?" Keigo paled but then bounced back up with a bright smile. "Ahh, I know you don't mean to say such harsh words-!" He made a move to smother him in a hug but Ichigo waved a fist threateningly.

The teenaged boy frowned. "Don't be so antisocial Ichigo! Even though it's one of the traits I absolutely adore about you, it's not fair for you to use it against me of all people!"

Ichigo inched away from Keigo, slightly caught off guard with the 'absolutely adore' comment. He spoke up, noticing the lack of personal space, "You, stand over there or I'll..." He let the threat hang.

"But, but…" Keigo gave him a suffering pout and hovered above him. "If I stand over there, I won't be basked in your beautiful glow!"

The orange-haired teen twitched and paled. "Beautiful glow! Is he…?"

"ASANO KEIGO!"

Both boys turned towards the outburst and saw one furious Chizuru. She stepped up and glowered at Keigo, "What the hell do you think you're doing to poor Ichi-chan!"

"Ichi-chan!" Ichigo cried out indignantly against the abuse of his name.

Chizuru brightened when she heard the nickname and nodded, "Isn't the name cute? It certainly fits you, Ichi-chan."

At that moment, Keigo stepped forward. "Honshou, get away from him."

"Or what, huh Asano? You have no guts." Chizuru laughed; the glasses flashed in the light, hiding the evil glint in her eyes. "Ichi-chan is as good as mine."

"What, I don't have a say in this?"

"Well Ichigo is not yours Honshou!" Asano smiled wickedly and spoke proudly, "The student has to step up to a higher level than their teacher someday and it's quite obvious that today is my day." (1)

"Shut up." Ichigo glared at the two, feeling uneasy as both of his classmates gave him an amorous smile, and spoke up, voice betraying the nervousness he felt, "Chizuru but I thought you were only partial to…females?"

"Oohh, but I was Ichi-chan…That was, until I saw you through the classroom doorway and saw how angelic you looked. Maybe I was always self-consciously partial to you and only you…You can almost say that I'm Ichigo-sexual!" Chizuru sighed blissfully.

Ichigo felt his left eye twitch.

Keigo ruffled his hair - an obvious sign that he was annoyed - and then pointed an accusing finger towards the young woman, "I should be the only Ichigo-sexual in this room!"

Her expression darkened, "Asano, back off!"

"Humph, I was here first! Ichigo loves my company, don't you?" Keigo turned expectantly towards the boy.

Before Ichigo had a chance to reply though, the only girl in the room growled dangerously.

"Don't make me use my Chizuru Genocide on you."

Scoffing, he flailed his arms around and exclaimed mockingly, "I'm sure it hurts as much as the uninventive name."

"Why you…!"

Ichigo slumped deeper into his seat, his mind going into troubled, confused circles and it only got worse when…

"My, my. I didn't expect so much noise coming from two people!"

…another voice floated in on the conversation.

Matsumoto Rangiku walked casually towards the three other people in the classroom, hair shining and cleavage bared, but neither Keigo nor Chizuru approached her with the same eager. In fact, noted the male Kurosaki, they seemed to ignore her…

…which was obviously fine for the female shinigami, who stopped in front of Ichigo's desk and leaned in to meet his gaze.

"Mou, Ichigo, you smell so nice today!"

As if to make her point, she sniffed the air around his neck, hovering dangerously close. And Ichigo? He blushed crimson, head tilted so his eyes wouldn't stay plastered on the ample bosom. "Ahhh…Thanks?" "Gah! Haven't you ever heard of covering up!"

"Hey! What do you think you're doing to him?" wailed Keigo as he wrenched Matsumoto away from the orange-haired boy.

Matsumoto glared at the offending hand on her shoulder and openly punched the human teen across the face. She then turned back around, sending Ichigo a sweet smile. "Now isn't that better?"

Ichigo nodded dumbly, leaning over his desk to glance down at his fallen, twitching comrade. A bruise rapidly made an appearance on the young man's face.

Chizuru gaped at Matsumoto.

"So." His line of vision was intruded by the woman's assets. "Ichigo…I think you should tell me your secret."

Ichigo found his voice. "What? What are you talking about?"

"Oh you know." In a sultry voice, she dipped in, her hands reaching for the buttons on his top. "I want to know how you-"

"GRAH!" Chizuru launched herself at Matsumoto. "Get away from him! He's mine."

"Hey-!" cried out the blond. "I don't see your name on Ichigo, you-"

"Chizuru GENOCIDE!"

The shinigami clawed her opponent but that didn't make the red-head let go of her hair. "… Playing dirty-" She took a hold of the teen's wrist, digging her fingernails into the skin.

"Talk about a cat fight." Ichigo leapt up and tried to separate them. "OI! Damnit! Stop fighting."

"SHE STARTED IT!" they both roared in unison.

"Well can you both CUT IT OUT," exclaimed the young man, exasperated.

"NO!"

Riiiiii-iiiiiiiiiiiiiipp.

And that was when the unimaginable happened.

Matsumoto Rangiku, back pressed against the floor with a fistful of Chizuru's hair in her hand, was top naked in all her double, shining glory.

Time stopped.

And Ichigo? He screamed.

"COVER YOURSELF!"

"Oh…? You don't like my boobs?"

"GAH! Don't swing around like that!"

"But Ichigo-!"

"No one likes your boobs," scofffed Chizuru, the supposed 'lesbian', "so stuff them back into your shirt already."

"Chizuru."

"Yes, Ichigo?"

"Don't say those words; it's disturbing coming from you."

Standing up, Matsumoto puckered her lips into a pout and placed her hands on her hips. "But if you don't like my boobs, that means you don't like me!" She grabbed Ichigo's arm and 'boob-squished' it.

Ichigo paled, feeling the woman's bare assets against his bare arm and now, all he could think about was the air he needed - lots and lots of cold, refreshing air.

And so he ran as fast as his legs could carry him, ignoring the squawks of protest.

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The door to the roof slammed shut, muffling the high-pitched yell that suddenly came from several floors below him (Perhaps someone saw Matsumoto downstairs…?). The sound of rustling fabric against skin and the silky hair barely hiding her well-endowed assets - Ichigo could still see the sharp images, as if the picture was burned into his retinas, and his mind, not-quite literally, exploded.

And now as he sat on the ground, leaning against the roof door, he could still feel his heart beating rapidly against his ribcage.

Below him, the raucous grew louder, but of course, he didn't know that.

"I don't understand why they're making me wait…" grumbled Hitsugaya Toushirou. He was gripping his standard-issued cell phone rather angrily.

Ichigo's head whipped upwards, and he stared at the back of the small captain; as he was just preoccupied, he didn't even notice him. Sighing, the representative shinigami 'stepped into the troubled waters', so to speak, and started, "Oi, Toushi-"

Without turning around, he snapped, "It's Captain Hitsugaya, Kurosaki."

"Yeah, yeah. Of course, Toushirou." It was just too easy to rile the diminutive captain.

Hitsugaya stiffened his posture but didn't retort. The phone in his hand buzzed quietly, distinctively emitting out music one would hear on an elevator.

The two of them stayed silent, that was until Hitsugaya grunted in annoyance and snapped the phone shut. "Kurosaki, what are you doing up here anyway?"

Ichigo uncharacteristically stuttered and his mind rewound itself. "It's best if you don't go downstairs right now."

"Why's that?"

"I know this sounds kinda strange, but…" Ichigo shifted uncomfortably, the all too familiar heat rushing to his cheeks.

The captain clicked impatiently, "What?"

"Well…" Ichigo didn't hold back and blurted out, "Matsumotoisnakedwaistup."

If he was surprised, Ichigo couldn't tell from the body language. Taking a moment, the young captain calmly queried, "And just how, no, why did that happen?"

"She and a classmate of mine…" The shinigami felt more and more self-conscious as he spoke, "They were…uhh…fighting over me."

Ichigo heard a soft snort of laughter and the boy was about to speak up for his dignity but Hitsugaya commented first, "That is absurd."

He didn't know whether to feel offended by the comment or relieved that he wasn't the only one that noticed it was strange.

"Since no one should be fighting over you except me."

The orange-haired shinigami sputtered as he suddenly found Hitsugaya sitting on top of him and the white-haired boy was giving him a very peculiar look.

"Or maybe…even under you?" The captain smiled in an eerily sweet way.

"What the hell-!" Ichigo looked like he choked on a cat. "Get off of me Hitsugaya!"

"No." Hitsugaya smiled. "You're my sun in the frigid winters."

Ichigo felt the cold reiatsu pinning him down and he bit out, "Let go!"

"The water to my ice flowers!"

"Wha-?"

"The tea to my morning grogginess!"

"I'm warning you-!"

"The sheath to my sword!"

Ichigo blocked him out by screaming, "SHUT UP!"

"Oh?" Pausing, Hitsugaya looked down at his prey and tilted his head. "Well…I can always just get off of you, if that's what you really want."

"Really?" asked Ichigo hopefully.

"But…" The same creepy smile lit his face again. "You have to call me 'shirou'." The captain looked down at him expectantly.

This was just too much. "Do I have to?" Ichigo closed his eyes, embarrassed for both Hitsugaya and himself (more for himself though). There was a pause. "S-SShirou."

Hitsugaya frowned and poked him on the forehead, "With more feeling!"

"Shirou!" cried out Ichigo, glaring daggers at the boy, but true to his word, the reiatsu lifted.

"I luuuurrrvve-Hey!"

Ichigo pushed Hitsugaya off unceremoniously and escaped without another word. The white-haired boy pouted and stomped his foot.

"Get back here Kurosaki Ichigo!"

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Now he's just plain angry.

Something must be wrong with him if he's able to attract Hitsugaya Toshirou, the strict, aloof, diligent, and no-nonsense kid-captain of the Gotei 13. And attract was putting it mildly, considering the young captain was in-his-face dropping pick-up lines.

Sure, he could easily dismiss Rukia for eating a bad sandwich this morning that somehow made her act and talk that way (he might just try and find this 'bad sandwich' later). And Keigo? He was always weird, end of story. Chizuru had her female hormones and Ichigo knew next to nothing about women. And Matsumoto…Well, the young shinigami doesn't even want to think about her right now…

But really, something must be wrong if even Captain Hitsugaya began hitting on him. He had to draw the line somewhere between coincidence and illogical and that was definitely on the far side of illogical.

And now, as Ichigo ran down the school hallways being chased by fangirls and fanboys alike, he can't stop thinking about this effect he was having on everyone. What if it were to happen around the most stoic of people? Take for example, one Kuchiki Byakuya, older brother of Kuchiki Rukia.

Oh how wrong it would be if Byakuya were to see him and start to sparkle like Kon cushioned upon 'a pair of great valleys'.

Ichigo's mind bled.

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"Ichigo."

"Oh no…" The teenager stopped abruptly, shoes digging into the dirt of the school yard as he faced the shinigami "And just when I thought I was home free…"

"Ichigo!"

He eyed the approaching man warily, noticing the extra sparkles around his smile. This is not going to turn out well.

"Ichigoooooo!"

"…I heard you the first time Yumichika."

Ayasegawa Yumichika clapped his hands together as he stood in front of the orange-haired teenager and practically exclaimed, "My! You look absolutely radiant today!"

"Thanks. Now if you don't mind-"

"Actually I will mind if you go."

"Well too bad!" Ichigo snapped at him. "Get out of my way."

"Come now Ichigo!" Yumichika grinned brightly. "You should relax. Although, that scowl does make you look…hot."

A fist flew and it connected with Yumichika's left jaw.

"You punched me…?" A delicate hand brushed the raw mark; a bruise would undoubtedly form there later but most unsettling was the brief flash of anger that lingered on the other man's expression.

Ichigo crossed his arms together and scowled, "So what if I did-?"

And instead of a snippy remark, Yumichika started to sparkle and gush, "That-That was so graceful and elegant Ichigo! Punch me again! Maybe on the right side?"

"…This is so wrong." Disbelieving, Ichigo waved his arms. "I'm not just going to punch you for no reason!"

"But Ichigo, your raw display of strength is so inspiring!"

"You've gotta be joking…" The substitute shinigami shook his head and spoke, "If you say so."

"Of course!" Yumichika smoothed out the nonexistent wrinkles on his shirt and explained, "Strength and beauty go so well together, don't you think?"

And suddenly it hit him (well, more like slapped him). The words 'strength and beauty' triggered the names Shihouin Yoruichi…and Urahara Kisuke.

"That bastard!" fumed Ichigo. "It must have been him! Somehow, it has to be."

"Oh?"

"See ya, Yumichika!" smirked the teenager.

"Where are you going?" The fifth seat hailed after Ichigo. "This is so uncomely but please wait for meeeee!"

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Ichigo walked through the open gates and spotted the small figure sweeping away the front door. "Oi Ururu. Where's Urahara?"

"Owner?" The young girl blushed as she tilted her head towards Ichigo. "I-I don't know."

"Not her too." The shinigami scowled and walked past the girl. "I'm just going to drop inside."

And he suddenly felt something latch onto his mid-back.

"Ururu, let go of me. You're not thinking straight."

He felt the shake of her head. No.

"Don't make me use force."

Ururu didn't let go. Instead, she swung around so that she was hanging off of Ichigo's front. Her eyes were sparkling in adoration as she looked up at him.

He shuddered and tried to unlatch her fingers. Hurting a little girl is wrong, no matter how drugged and hypnotized they are. He isn't a big brother for nothing.

"Ururu."

"N-No!"

And off came his shirt. At least Ururu had her clothes on and she's not hanging off of him anymore. He's not going to be mistaken as a pedophile, damnit…

Ururu looked up from the floor, fingers locked around his shirt, and started to cry.

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Ichigo locked the front door, sighing in relief.

…Ururu just tried to take off his pants by distracting him with her tears. Smart girl.

"Haaaa Ichigo you should look in the mirror right now. The expression on your face is fuckin' priceless!" howled Renji, smacking his thigh in mirth.

He roared back, "Yanno, when a little girl tries to molest you, you think you'll know something's more than wrong!"

That prompted Renji to laugh even harder.

"SHUT UP!"

"C-C-Can't help it!" he cackled, the pair of strange glasses he was wearing flashing under the light. "So damn funny!"

Ichigo made a move to strangle the red-head but stopped. He stared at Renji as the man's laughter subsided. Suspiciously, Ichigo narrowed his eyes. "What? No gushing love declarations?"

Renji gave him a Look. You're stupid, you know?

"Don't tell me-! The box with the toxic fumes!" He pointed an accusatory finger. "It was you."

The vice-captain smiled cockily and flexed his fingers. "Don't have to thank me."

"You bastard…"

In a serious voice, Renji growled, "At least I got Rukia to jump you-"

"-along with everyone else!"

Renji grinned, "Oh yah…Just a small detail though."

"Small…detail?" Eyes glimmering evilly, Ichigo snorted, "Yes, it will be a small detail when you're gagged and stripped to your boxers, bastard."

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Renji scream of horror could be heard throughout the whole neighborhood. "YOU-YOU FUCKING BASTARD, ICHIGO!"

Ichigo grinned and glanced at the party behind him by looking above the glasses that apparently blocked out the effects of the perfume. They - as in Ichigo, Rukia, Yumichika, Matsumoto, Hitsugaya, as well as Urahara's company - were currently outside of the Urahara Shop, listening to the scene inside of it.

Multiple curses and splintered furniture could be heard.

Urahara commented, "Any damaged goods will have to be reimbursed."

The humiliated shinigami gave him their coldest glares.

"…But of course, I'll make an exception just this once."

"You know this is partly your fault, Kisuke," smirked Yoruichi.

He grinned, amused as well. "Well, I suppose I should have factored in Renji when I placed the love spray out in the open"

"The freeloader should be kicked out."

"Now, now Jinta," admonished the shop owner. "I'm sorry that the 'attraction potion' just affects children more…"

Hitsugaya glowered. Ururu blushed. Jinta howled out, "Not fair!" He was the unlucky one to walk in on Ichigo spraying Renji with the perfume.

"I'm just glad that I took the antidote before spraying Renji," muttered Ichigo. "Or else I would've been mauled by the wonder kid too."

"Shut up!"

Rukia rolled her eyes and asked, "Where is the love spray anyway?"

"Well…I gave it to Yoruichi."

Everyone turned their attention to the former special ops. leader.

"Hmmm…Let's just say it's circulating in Soul Society as we speak," cackled Yoruichi. Urahara hid a knowing smile behind his fan.

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In Soul Society…

"Sir," bowed a servant. "An item from the real world was sent here to be examined by you."

"Who is it from?"

"It's anonymous sir but on the box there is Miss Kuchiki's favourite rabbit character..."

"I see." Kuchiki Byakuya placed down the scroll he was examining and motioned the servant to bring in the item.

The servant left a rather pink and frilly box on the desk.

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The former stealth captain grinned, "I'm sure Byakuya would like this pretty little gift."

Rukia was about to voice her disagreement but was cut off by a particularly loud exclamation from Renji.

"DAMNIT IKKAKU. STOP STRIPPING!"

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End

Oh yes I forgot to add. This is NOT a bashing fiction.

(1) It was hinted in the manga that Chizuru is a 'mentor' to Keigo. I believe she was teaching him how to be a womanizer.

EDIT: Thank you (with a bunch of love of course) to lostxwords for pointing out that I spelt 'Urahara' wrong. I can't believe I made such a terrible mistake without noticing. I know how jarring it is to read a character's name when it's spelt wrong. I apologize for this error.

Thank you for your valuable time readers.
Constructive criticism is definitely welcomed.

Spyrit