More Than He Deserved

He was a talented liar. When he needed to, he could even lie to himself. Now, though, there were no more lies. He had hidden behind masks before and they'd done well for him, but they were off now and he knew exactly who and what he was. Jacob Phelps was a lot of things, but he knew better than to think that he deserved her.

She wanted him though. That's what she had told him before they had slept together on his boat. Her world, already falling apart, had shattered dramatically after that. He hadn't been aware just how bad it had gotten until after the fact, but he hated himself for not being there, even though he knew that he couldn't be. Bud had been too close. He probably shouldn't have stayed as long as he did to help her with the way they had been swarming at the time.

That had been months ago now. Liz had been on the run with Reddington and she had changed. He didn't blame her, necessarily. Those that were strong enough to survive always adapted to their circumstances. Liz had always been strong. It was one of the things he loved about her. The blonde hair wasn't the only oddity he'd come across when she had slipped him an invite to meet with him like two teenagers sneaking out of their parents' houses to rendezvous. She was more closed off, more calculated, much like she had been when she was trying to keep her emotions in check when she held him on the boat.

To say the least, that wasn't something that instantly sent him into her bed like she seemed to be expecting.

"Liz," he whispered, his voice a little hoarser than he expected as her hands tugged at his belt. "Lizzy, hey?"

"What?"

"Stop just a second," he murmured and caught her hands. They were trembling in his and he pulled them up to press a kiss along her knuckles. The skin was broken there like she'd been in a fight recently and he shifted so that he didn't risk hurting her.

"What?" she asked again, her voice tense and she tried to pull her hands away. He let her and she went back to undoing his jeans.

"Is that all I'm here for?"

That seemed to stop her. "What do you mean?"

"I just… I'm wondering if I misread all of this," he admitted softly, a worry that had plagued him for a while finally breaking free. He'd pushed it aside since she had left, telling himself that his time alone on the boat was giving him far too much time to find trouble where it wasn't. Now, though, when she had contacted him for the first time in weeks and he was seeing her for the first time in months, he felt it crop back up. It was a worry that said that he was a distraction and something of her past to hold onto when she felt her present tipping dangerously, but to be discarded when it wasn't. She had told him that she wanted to know Jacob, but part of him wondered if it was true. "Why am I here?"

Liz huffed and pulled away. "I don't know. Why are you here, Tom?"

He winced a little, the words biting deep. "I'm here because you asked me to come," he said softly. "I thought… I don't know. I guess I thought that you still cared some. I'm sorry if I misread you."

"I needed a distraction," she said tightly.

Jacob nodded slowly. He'd been there. That's all sex had ever been for him before he'd met Elizabeth Scott, but she had changed everything for him. She was different, and that meant the way he saw her was different. Everything about her. "Liz, I'm all in on this," he said, his voice a little raw with the honesty that he was allowing to flow. "You know… You know how I feel about you, but I… I don't think…" He swallowed hard and found her staring at him. He wasn't making any sense to her, so he took a deep breath and tried again. "I've been used all my life for whatever people wanted or needed. If this is just… you using me to forget everything… that's not good for you or me."

Liz's shoulders sagged and she looked away. For a moment, Jacob was almost certain that she was going to crawl right back out of the bed and start getting dressed, but she turned back and leaned in, her kiss feeling much more like the Liz that he had married. Her hands were still trembling, but so were his. Her fingers trailed down his sides and stopped. Jacob opened his eyes when he felt hot tears hitting his face and found hers still closed. Slowly they opened and a haunted look met his. "Babe," he whispered.

"I'm sorry."

He loosed a breath he hadn't realized he was holding and his fingers tangled in her hair. "It's okay. I just… talk to me? I know a lot has changed, but you can still talk to me, right?"

She nodded and kissed him, shifting to lean against his bare chest when they broke. "I don't know who I am anymore," she confessed. "I killed an unarmed man when I could have brought him in, I betrayed my friends, I tortured you….."

"Liz, it's okay."

"No, it's not," she snapped, sitting up and Jacob felt his chest clench. She had been burying it so deep that even she might not have known that it was affecting her. "I'm supposed to be one of the good guys."

"You are. You're one of the best people I know."

"You must know some really rotten people."

Jacob found himself chuckling as he pulled her back down, pressing a kiss to her hair. "I do know some pretty rotten people. The guy that raised me is trying to put a bullet in my head because I fell in love with a woman that I wasn't supposed to."

Liz tightened her grip around him. "You still love me?"

"Of course I do," he answered, a little surprised that she didn't know.

"You haven't said. Not since you walked out."

Jacob pulled in a steadying breath. "I guess I just figured you wouldn't believe anything I said, so I'd prove it."

"You've definitely gone out of your way to prove it," Liz laughed softly. "I love you too."

"Not just using me?" he teased.

"No." One hand moved and he felt her finger press against a scar that a bullet had left on his back when it had ripped through him. "I'm so sorry."

"I forgave you a long time ago."

"Same," she answered. "Tom, can we just… I'm really tired. I don't think I've had a good night's sleep since your boat."

"I don't sleep well without you either," he confessed softly and nestled down. "Good night, Liz. Love you."

"You too. Jacob," she said purposefully and he smiled. They'd been through hell, and they weren't done pushing through, but at least they knew that if they both made it, they'd have each other on the other side. That was more than a man like him deserved and he knew it.

Notes: This was a micro story challenge over on Tumblr with the prompt 'trembling hands' for this pair. I know I've heard several people (that ship other ships) call the boat scene a 'hook up' and indicate that it didn't mean anything, and while I think that's entirely untrue, I also think that the longer he's alone and away from Liz, I could see Jacob worrying about that. He's given up everything he's ever known for her, and he's still separated from her. I really hope they get to see each other quickly in S3.